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I've spent hours looking around on this forum, and there is no shortage of threads where wives feel like fetishes have taken over their sex lives. I guess I felt like I needed my very own thread?

My husband and I have been married for 10+ years. Outside the bedroom, I think we're a great match. But, of course, sex is a large part of any marriage, so problems there can feel like really big problems.

Lingerie. Before we married, I knew he had a thing for lingerie. Like, wearing it. But I (naively?) thought it was just a kink, something to add spice now and then but not a necessity. I didn't like it, but figured I could accommodate occasionally. Of course, it was much more of a need than I realized at the time. Still, we've worked through it and come to a bit of a compromise. Neither of us is 100% happy, but it works. The compromise allows him to enjoy it on his own, but I won't have sex with him dressed up. To do so creates resentment in me that would be catastrophic to our marriage. And I think I look darn good in lingerie. I'm tall and have a decent body for my age, but I have no desire to wear it for him because as much as he loves seeing me in it, it seems to only light his desire to wear it himself.

Toys. I have no problem with toys. However, what once used to be an occasional request for anal (for him to receive, not me) has over the years also become a necessity. He often describes it as a deep need that nothing else will fulfill. Again, while it's not my thing I could occasionally do it for him as a kinky addition, but he enjoys it in a way he has never enjoyed me. He gets completely lost in the experience and becomes this person that I can't stand, and again the resentment I feel is awful. He knows I don't like it but has no idea how deeply it affects me. But he enjoys it, so I give in some. And while I could enjoy playing with toys myself, just as with the lingerie - when I do, all it seems to do is make him want it more himself.

Some time back, he became fascinated with oral toy play (again him, not me). I've always fancied myself as having decent oral skills, but it thrills him to show me that he is so much better. He claims it's not a competition, and perhaps he doesn't intend for it to be, but as a result I have no desire to show off my clearly-mediocre skills on him now.

On the topic of toys, there are dozens and dozens of them. All shapes and sizes. Regular trips to the store to find one that might be slightly different than the other 99 lying around. A new one will burn in his mind like a child with a new toy - he can't wait to be able to play with it. In the heat of the moment, he'll beg me for it. If I say no, he literally begs like we're playing some coy game. Only I'm not playing! He'll keep on and on til I give in. By then I'm angry and resentful, but he's so absorbed in the "yes" he just got that he doesn't notice. He finishes and thinks it was a great night, while I lie awake fuming that this has happened yet again.

All of this has gone on for years. Sometimes I think it's more than I can handle, but I am determined to make my marriage work. I say yes when I don't mean it, and feel guilty when I say no. I dread sex because there's always this fear of what he's going to ask me to do this time, and how am I going to answer. I'm sure I miss out on occasions for really good sex because I'm afraid "the other" is going to enter in somehow, as it does so often.

Now we've added a new fetish. Unwittingly, I may have even contributed to it. On a recent vacation where we were feeling particularly intimate, he started asking about my previous partners and experiences. He's not a jealous type at all, so this was not a negative conversation, we were just talking. I told him some stories, and it seemed to really excite him. We had good sex afterward. Like, really good. None of the other fetishes even came up at all. It was absolutely incredible. I thought we had turned a corner.

In a sense we did. This seed that was planted in his head of me with someone else took root and grew quickly. Within weeks he was on forums and learning about hot wives and cuckolding, and decided that was for us. He even made contact with some "bulls" and got their pictures to show me, hoping I would be interested. There's a club nearby where this type of thing takes place, and he keeps begging me to go.

I draw the line here. I absolutely will not have sex with someone else. Not no, but heck no. For a million reasons, but just to name one: I'm a devout Christian and I really feel with all my heart that it would be wrong. What he and I do in our bedroom is up to us, but stepping outside our marriage crosses a line. Nevertheless, it's now a part of almost all our sexual encounters. He talks about it throughout, tries to get me to talk about it, to say someone else's name, etc. When I say the thought simply isn't appealing to me, he says "sure it is, just let your hair down a little." It's like he thinks I'm playing some cat-and-mouse game where I really want it but I pretend I don't so he'll beg. He simply isn't hearing me!

He feels that as long as he's ok with it, it isn't wrong. He's even bought me a book that was written by some theologian that supposedly debunks the "religious myth of monogamy".

I don't want to fight about yet another sexual fetish. I'm open to lots of things sexually, as he knows from being with me 13+ years. But it feels like he has no boundaries at all, and he doesn't understand why I do.

I know the answer is to talk about it, but that's so much easier said than done. We've talked for years about it. He knows how I feel, and it doesn't change anything. Talking doesn't do squat for us. His physical desires override any words he hears. He isn't mean about it, it's just that any conversation we have is forgotten when he's "in the mood".

All that said, outside the bedroom he is a wonderful husband. He loves me very much, I know he does, and he shows it in a million other ways. I just hate this impasse we are at. Or rather, I'm at. I generally carry on like everything is fine, because he isn't the easiest person to talk to about stuff, but sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to resent my husband. I want to love him and respect him deeply. The times when it weighs heavy on my mind, he thinks I'm just pms'ing or have had a bad day.

No clue how to talk to him in a way that he actually understands. Can anyone relate? Any of you guys on the fetish end that can help verbalize what he may be feeling so I can understand? Wives who have successfully worked through this?

If you've read through this, thank you! And TIA for your helpful input.
 

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Posting again, since you moved it here :)

Not a fetish guy and not a woman that has had to deal with this but damn, I"ll give you my 2 cents anyway.

For starters, damn proud of you for drawing the line at the hot wife thing, good job on the boundaries. You gave and gave and it still wasn't enough. So you filled both ends of the spectrum in my book. You more than compromised but you also stood tall when it came to your bedrock values.

Now for your husband. He is a self serving, immature and inconsiderate SOB. It's one thing to bring things up and suggest them, it's another to throw your own desires and objections aside for his own good. When it comes to all of this, you don't have a husband, you have a dog or large child, with the same level of self-control.

I'm sorry but I have not patience for guys like this and even worse, guys that would do the opposite of protecting their wife and family but giving them up for self pleasure. Forgive me but I hope this guy isn't a Father?
 

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...For starters, damn proud of you for drawing the line at the hot wife thing, good job on the boundaries...

...Now for your husband. He is a self serving, immature and inconsiderate SOB. It's one thing to bring things up and suggest them, it's another to throw your own desires and objections aside for his own good. When it comes to all of this, you don't have a husband, you have a dog or large child, with the same level of self-control...

...Forgive me but I hope this guy isn't a Father?
I appreciate your candor. We have grown kids, and he's a great father. I know the snapshot I describe doesn't paint him in the best light, but if he were a total monster I wouldn't be married to him. It's hard to encapsulate an entire person or relationship in one post, so I understand the immediate reaction is, "That SOB!" He would tell you he's very giving, even in the bedroom, because even physically he does always try to satisfy me in any way he can. It's really just this one area of his fetishes where I feel like second fiddle.
 

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I appreciate your candor. We have grown kids, and he's a great father. I know the snapshot I describe doesn't paint him in the best light, but if he were a total monster I wouldn't be married to him. It's hard to encapsulate an entire person or relationship in one post, so I understand the immediate reaction is, "That SOB!" He would tell you he's very giving, even in the bedroom, because even physically he does always try to satisfy me in any way he can. It's really just this one area of his fetishes where I feel like second fiddle.
Grown kids cool, good to hear that and I trust you if you say he is a good Father. I just had the thought of a dad trying to ***** out his wife while, in the same respect trying to raise young children that could be caught in the crossfire when sh$$ like this goes south.

In that aspect alone is where I drew the line, the other kinks ... to each her/his own.

Seem like you are REALLY open with communication so it's not like, in a lot of the threads on TAM, it's about communication. Talking to him, as you had mentioned, is not going to help. Maybe it's time to start giving him a wake-up call when he goes to far? "Listen, I'm happy to continue to spice things up with you but I have already told you I'm not interested in ______ and I'm tired of talking about it. If you keep bothering me about it when I have made my feelings clear, here's a pillow and blanket and there's the couch"
 

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.....Before we married, I knew he had a thing for lingerie. Like, wearing it. .....I won't have sex with him dressed up. To do so creates resentment in me that would be catastrophic to our marriage. And I think I look darn good in lingerie. I'm tall and have a decent body for my age, but I have no desire to wear it for him because as much as he loves seeing me in it, it seems to only light his desire to wear it himself.

Toys. .... Again, while it's not my thing I could occasionally do it for him as a kinky addition, but he enjoys it in a way he has never enjoyed me. He gets completely lost in the experience and becomes this person that I can't stand, and again the resentment I feel is awful. He knows I don't like it but has no idea how deeply it affects me. But he enjoys it, so I give in some. And while I could enjoy playing with toys myself, just as with the lingerie - when I do, all it seems to do is make him want it more himself.

Some time back, he became fascinated with oral toy play (again him, not me). I've always fancied myself as having decent oral skills, but it thrills him to show me that he is so much better. He claims it's not a competition, and perhaps he doesn't intend for it to be, but as a result I have no desire to show off my clearly-mediocre skills on him now.

On the topic of toys, .....he literally begs like we're playing some toy game. Only I'm not playing! He'll keep on and on til I give in. By then I'm angry and resentful, but he's so absorbed in the "yes" he just got that he doesn't notice. He finishes and thinks it was a great night, while I lie awake fuming that this has happened yet again.

.....I think it's more than I can handle, but I am determined to make my marriage work. ..... I dread sex because there's always this fear ......

Now we've added a new fetish. Unwittingly, I may have even contributed to it...... Within weeks he was on forums and learning about hot wives and cuckolding, and decided that was for us.....I absolutely will not have sex with someone else. Not no, but heck no.....

....I'm open to lots of things sexually, as he knows from being with me 13+ years. But it feels like he has no boundaries at all, and he doesn't understand why I do.

I know the answer is to talk about it, but that's so much easier said than done. We've talked for years about it. He knows how I feel, and it doesn't change anything. Talking doesn't do squat for us....

All that said, outside the bedroom he is a wonderful husband. He loves me very much, I know he does, and he shows it in a million other ways. I just hate this impasse we are at. Or rather, I'm at. I generally carry on like everything is fine, because he isn't the easiest person to talk to about stuff, but sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to resent my husband.....

No clue how to talk to him in a way that he actually understands..
What I was struck by is your anger, resentment and unhappiness. There also seems a bit of jealousy or something in some of your comments about oral skills and lingerie.

One of the famous lines by David Schnarch is that married couple don't have communication problems, they communicate far too well. He uses the example of a dating couple in a restaurant and on old married couple. The dating couple are looking in each others eyes and talking so much they have hardly eaten a bite. The old married couple are eating without saying a word. Then he has you really look closely at them. Their body language, facial expressions, glances, frowns, and even clearing of throats is a conversation all in itself. He likes to point out that after a decade or so, your spouse will know when you are very angry or unhappy with them, almost to the point of mind reading the non-verbal communication.

I want you to think about that for a moment and reread the portions you posted that I put in bold. Your husband knows you disapprove of his sexual desires, your anger, resentment, and unhappiness.

The Gottmans have studied why some people remain married and others divorce. They have found
that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are a sure sign of future divorce. You might want to think about what you have posted as you read the following and do some introspection.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

You say you love him and want to keep your marriage, but your feelings may get in your way. I applaud you for having boundaries on not having sex with someone else. Good for you. You have a right to have sex the way you want it sometimes and to ask for more consideration of your desires. But remember you can't change your husband, only he can change himself. You can change yourself and you can provide him with positive feedback when he does things you like. You can express your preferences and desires, but you can't force him to change.

My suggestion is for you and your husband to get some marriage counseling with a sex therapist who will help the two of you negotiate some common ground, some limits on the frequency of what he wants and maybe open your eyes as to some role playing the two of you might both be able to enjoy some of the time.

The alternative is to have him drift away from including you in his sex life or to have you drift away by not allowing yourself to be a meaningful part of his sex life. The two of you need to start working together to find something you both can enjoy.

Good luck
 

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I've spent hours looking around on this forum, and there is no shortage of threads where wives feel like fetishes have taken over their sex lives. I guess I felt like I needed my very own thread?



My husband and I have been married for 10+ years. Outside the bedroom, I think we're a great match. But, of course, sex is a large part of any marriage, so problems there can feel like really big problems.



Lingerie. Before we married, I knew he had a thing for lingerie. Like, wearing it. But I (naively?) thought it was just a kink, something to add spice now and then but not a necessity. I didn't like it, but figured I could accommodate occasionally. Of course, it was much more of a need than I realized at the time. Still, we've worked through it and come to a bit of a compromise. Neither of us is 100% happy, but it works. The compromise allows him to enjoy it on his own, but I won't have sex with him dressed up. To do so creates resentment in me that would be catastrophic to our marriage. And I think I look darn good in lingerie. I'm tall and have a decent body for my age, but I have no desire to wear it for him because as much as he loves seeing me in it, it seems to only light his desire to wear it himself.



Toys. I have no problem with toys. However, what once used to be an occasional request for anal (for him to receive, not me) has over the years also become a necessity. He often describes it as a deep need that nothing else will fulfill. Again, while it's not my thing I could occasionally do it for him as a kinky addition, but he enjoys it in a way he has never enjoyed me. He gets completely lost in the experience and becomes this person that I can't stand, and again the resentment I feel is awful. He knows I don't like it but has no idea how deeply it affects me. But he enjoys it, so I give in some. And while I could enjoy playing with toys myself, just as with the lingerie - when I do, all it seems to do is make him want it more himself.



Some time back, he became fascinated with oral toy play (again him, not me). I've always fancied myself as having decent oral skills, but it thrills him to show me that he is so much better. He claims it's not a competition, and perhaps he doesn't intend for it to be, but as a result I have no desire to show off my clearly-mediocre skills on him now.



On the topic of toys, there are dozens and dozens of them. All shapes and sizes. Regular trips to the store to find one that might be slightly different than the other 99 lying around. A new one will burn in his mind like a child with a new toy - he can't wait to be able to play with it. In the heat of the moment, he'll beg me for it. If I say no, he literally begs like we're playing some coy game. Only I'm not playing! He'll keep on and on til I give in. By then I'm angry and resentful, but he's so absorbed in the "yes" he just got that he doesn't notice. He finishes and thinks it was a great night, while I lie awake fuming that this has happened yet again.



All of this has gone on for years. Sometimes I think it's more than I can handle, but I am determined to make my marriage work. I say yes when I don't mean it, and feel guilty when I say no. I dread sex because there's always this fear of what he's going to ask me to do this time, and how am I going to answer. I'm sure I miss out on occasions for really good sex because I'm afraid "the other" is going to enter in somehow, as it does so often.



Now we've added a new fetish. Unwittingly, I may have even contributed to it. On a recent vacation where we were feeling particularly intimate, he started asking about my previous partners and experiences. He's not a jealous type at all, so this was not a negative conversation, we were just talking. I told him some stories, and it seemed to really excite him. We had good sex afterward. Like, really good. None of the other fetishes even came up at all. It was absolutely incredible. I thought we had turned a corner.



In a sense we did. This seed that was planted in his head of me with someone else took root and grew quickly. Within weeks he was on forums and learning about hot wives and cuckolding, and decided that was for us. He even made contact with some "bulls" and got their pictures to show me, hoping I would be interested. There's a club nearby where this type of thing takes place, and he keeps begging me to go.



I draw the line here. I absolutely will not have sex with someone else. Not no, but heck no. For a million reasons, but just to name one: I'm a devout Christian and I really feel with all my heart that it would be wrong. What he and I do in our bedroom is up to us, but stepping outside our marriage crosses a line. Nevertheless, it's now a part of almost all our sexual encounters. He talks about it throughout, tries to get me to talk about it, to say someone else's name, etc. When I say the thought simply isn't appealing to me, he says "sure it is, just let your hair down a little." It's like he thinks I'm playing some cat-and-mouse game where I really want it but I pretend I don't so he'll beg. He simply isn't hearing me!



He feels that as long as he's ok with it, it isn't wrong. He's even bought me a book that was written by some theologian that supposedly debunks the "religious myth of monogamy".



I don't want to fight about yet another sexual fetish. I'm open to lots of things sexually, as he knows from being with me 13+ years. But it feels like he has no boundaries at all, and he doesn't understand why I do.



I know the answer is to talk about it, but that's so much easier said than done. We've talked for years about it. He knows how I feel, and it doesn't change anything. Talking doesn't do squat for us. His physical desires override any words he hears. He isn't mean about it, it's just that any conversation we have is forgotten when he's "in the mood".



All that said, outside the bedroom he is a wonderful husband. He loves me very much, I know he does, and he shows it in a million other ways. I just hate this impasse we are at. Or rather, I'm at. I generally carry on like everything is fine, because he isn't the easiest person to talk to about stuff, but sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to resent my husband. I want to love him and respect him deeply. The times when it weighs heavy on my mind, he thinks I'm just pms'ing or have had a bad day.



No clue how to talk to him in a way that he actually understands. Can anyone relate? Any of you guys on the fetish end that can help verbalize what he may be feeling so I can understand? Wives who have successfully worked through this?



If you've read through this, thank you! And TIA for your helpful input.


He does take his fetishes very seriously, doesn’t he.
It must be tiring being a wife sometimes. Difficult to know what to recommend but these things tend to get worse with age as more extreme stimulation is needed. Maybe that’s why some men resort to porn as they don’t want to burden their wives with this stuff.

What kind of person that you ‘can’t stand’ does he become? Submissive? Or gay-ish? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Essentially, you're sexually incompatible, and can't find a compromise that actually works for both of you. He can't change what he needs, and neither can you, and you're both frustrated and angry about it. It doesn't matter, really, that you're good outside the bedroom - so are friends! The only true solution I see is to split up so you can both find someone sexually compatible in addition to other areas.
 

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There is a big gap in your sexual interests, and the question is whether there is a way to bridge it. If not, then a marriage with a bad sexual mismatch is going to be unhappy and may not last.

You are absolutely right to draw lines. Insisting on on 3rd person is completely fine. I know that it is a kink for some, but for most people that is outside what is acceptable. You need to stay completely firm on that.


As for the rest - the problem is that as you say these are "fetishes" not "kinks". He seems to need them in order to enjoy sex, and that is what makes this a big problem.

How willing is he to do what you want? It sounds like you are doing a wide variety of things that he enjoys, but how often does he reciprocate?

Have you asked about a compromise? Half the time you play to to his fetishes - at least as far as you are willing to go, but no 3rd parties. The other half he plays to your desires - whether those are kinks, or whether what you want is traditional romantic sex. Each of you does your best to be enthusiastic for the others desires.

An alternating system isn't great, but at least it doesn't feel completely unfair.


As an aside, his fetishes are not very unusual individually as kinks - something that someone wants once in a while, but taken together and turned into fetishes they seem pretty far out there.
 

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All of his fetishes seem to be those one may expect of a homosexual man, especially the latest where he wants to bring a man into your bed. I'm sorry, but not normal behavior of a hetero man.
 

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No clue how to talk to him in a way that he actually understands. Can anyone relate? Any of you guys on the fetish end that can help verbalize what he may be feeling so I can understand? Wives who have successfully worked through this?
I'm not quite sure what's the best way to approach your husband but I can certainly relate.

In my last relationship we dabbled in some experiences that make me cringe now. My partner had an insatiable sexual appetite that never seemed to be satisfied with our sex, swinging, group sex or cuckoldry. On the other hand I was not satisfied at home at looked to an open relationship and dom play. At the time I went along with everything because I eventually lost sexual interest in him and felt bad about it but also because I myself had a high sex drive and felt I should take advantage of these opportunities in light of my openness to all things sexual. Our problems were quite complex and the internal and external sexual experiences only compounded the issues.

Looking back now I realize we were both damaged people who were seeking affection and acceptance through sex. He had never gotten over the death of his mom during his childhood and that desperate need for his mom's love and affection was channeled into desperation for sexual intimacy. Likewise my need for recognition/affection that was never met in my abusive childhood was confused with a need for sexual variety.

Since I seriously started exploring my issues stemming from childhood and placed more focus on building a healthy relationship, my sexual interests have changed dramatically. Moreover, I recognize now how damaging these past experiences were to my sexuality. Even now I still struggle with dissociation during sex that had become the norm for me with my ex, as a coping mechanism to satisfy his sexual needs despite my lacking interest.

Edited to add: A good read that has helped in my journey of sexual healing is the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
 

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All of his fetishes seem to be those one may expect of a homosexual man, especially the latest where he wants to bring a man into your bed. I'm sorry, but not normal behavior of a hetero man.
is a panty wearing fetish generally held by homosexuals? I am not familiar with this fetish at all so excuse my ignorance.
 

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All of his fetishes seem to be those one may expect of a homosexual man, especially the latest where he wants to bring a man into your bed. I'm sorry, but not normal behavior of a hetero man.
There are some hetero men that have a fantasy of sharing their wife - but agree that these are all leaning towards the homosexual end of the spectrum. Or maybe its a submissive thing?

Almost sounds like an addiction. If you indulged him on the "cuck" fantasy, I would be afraid that the next fetish would be even more extreme. You aren't comfortable and are starting to resent him and sex. Time to draw the line.

Would he be willing to go to counseling? This obviously isn't working for you.
 

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There are some hetero men that have a fantasy of sharing their wife - but agree that these are all leaning towards the homosexual end of the spectrum. Or maybe its a submissive thing?

Almost sounds like an addiction. If you indulged him on the "cuck" fantasy, I would be afraid that the next fetish would be even more extreme. You aren't comfortable and are starting to resent him and sex. Time to draw the line.

Would he be willing to go to counseling? This obviously isn't working for you.
More extreme than watching while another guy ****s your wife? Holy **** am I sheltered.

Married but Happy nailed it earlier. OP and hubby are sexually incompatible. Be it cuckold extreme or incredibly prude only in the dark under the covers missionary extreme, people at the either end of the sexual spectrum have a greater chance of not being sexually compatible with their partner.
 

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More extreme than watching while another guy ****s your wife? Holy **** am I sheltered.

Married but Happy nailed it earlier. OP and hubby are sexually incompatible. Be it cuckold extreme or incredibly prude only in the dark under the covers missionary extreme, people at the either end of the sexual spectrum have a greater chance of not being sexually compatible with their partner.
This may sound sarcastic, but its not intended to be so. You may be sheltered (or not), but I'll assume you are ok with math. What's more extreme than watching "just" ONE guy screw your wife???

Truly not trying to make light of this. I think @Keke24 had a very interesting and insightful take on what the future might hold.
 

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This may sound sarcastic, but its not intended to be so. You may be sheltered (or not), but I'll assume you are ok with math. What's more extreme than watching "just" ONE guy screw your wife???

Truly not trying to make light of this. I think @Keke24 had a very interesting and insightful take on what the future might hold.
Yeah I get that.

Guess Im just thinking once you open that door, what does it matter if its one guy ****ing your wife at a time or you are having an entire football team run a train on her?
 

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Thank you all for your replies. Several points I appreciate but don't have time just now to reply individually. I'll be back when I have a moment to really address each. Thanks again!
 

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Wow... you are an extremely tolerant and loving wife to let things get to this point.

Personally? To me he sounds extremely selfish. EXTREMELY. He wants you to do all of these things for him, because he wants it.

Are they reasonable things to ask? Are they things you WANT to do? Are they things you find pleasurable?

DOES HE CARE about these questions - or rather just indulging his increasingly extreme fetishes? This certainly sounds like a case of "if you give a mouse a cookie" you give in a little, he wants more, and more and more.

Another thing that strikes me is that it seems like he makes sex about him, and what he wants you to do to him, or what he wants you to do with toys etc - instead of sex being about sharing something fabulous with YOU. Pleasing you. Making sure YOUR needs are met.

Instead, it sounds like he doesn't hear you. Nothing worse than a self absorbed tone deaf lover.

I consider myself fairly open minded and adventurous, with a high sex drive - but your husband's kinks I would find a huge turn off. It wouldn't be in me to indulge them, and I would also be extremely resentful of my husband for pushing for them, ESPECIALLY when I made it clear it wasn't my thing.
 

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All of his fetishes seem to be those one may expect of a homosexual man, especially the latest where he wants to bring a man into your bed. I'm sorry, but not normal behavior of a hetero man.
I really feel compelled to point out that no, the H in this case is not homosexual.

Male Homosexuals don't like having sex with women and he and his wife are having sex, normal or classically heterosexual sex at least some of the time. Homosexual males (as opposed to lesbians) want to have sex with another man. Homosexual men also don't want to become women. Transsexuals are another matter, but he still wants having sex with his wife, so he is probably not willing to be surgically altered or do a complete mental transition.

The guy has some real issues. Probably is either submissive or is ashamed of his masculinity or feels he should punish his masculine self. He may even be bi-curious, but he is not homosexual at all. I would wager that he likes feeling sexually humiliated, which might explain the feminization he engages in.

If the wife wants to take control now that he has proposed a cuckold fantasy, she can tell him that she will role play with him on some frequency of her choosing but he has to agree to allow her to lock him in chastity and have complete control of his sexuality.

She could sweeten the deal for him once a month or couple months by dressing him in feminine clothing and role play as a man or she can tie him to a chair or bed, go in the other room and pretend to have sex with another man come back and tell him how good it was and better than he was. She might even be able to overdose his experimentation to the point that he wants to back off. One question she might really want to think about is how much does he want to be in control of his sexual experiences/experimentation.

I really think that she and her H would benefit from marriage counseling with a sex therapist, who might be able to suggest some role playing exercises they could try and report back on to see if they can get his desires under control or at least within the boundaries she can handle.

He sounds like he could use some real therapy, but that is another issue.

He may be a lot of things, but as long as his only sex partner is his wife, he is not homosexual.
 

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If the wife wants to take control now that he has proposed a cuckold fantasy, she can tell him that she will role play with him on some frequency of her choosing but he has to agree to allow her to lock him in chastity and have complete control of his sexuality.

She could sweeten the deal for him once a month or couple months by dressing him in feminine clothing and role play as a man or she can tie him to a chair or bed, go in the other room and pretend to have sex with another man come back and tell him how good it was and better than he was. She might even be able to overdose his experimentation to the point that he wants to back off. One question she might really want to think about is how much does he want to be in control of his sexual experiences/experimentation.

That is a big if.... She has already stated how his fetishes have caused her resentment. She has already stated how he attempts to constantly push the boundaries, irregardless of her feelings on the matter.

I don't know - Maybe he OP is a dom at heart, and has no problem seeing her husband as a humiliated fem. For me, that would kill any attraction I had left. And again, for me, I would have no interest in cross dressing as a man, role playing as a man, nor seeing the man I married in woman's clothing being humiliated.

According to the OP "He knows how I feel, and it doesn't change anything." So why should she be upping the game for him? Sweetening the deal for him?

How about he sweeten the deal for her, and stop obsessing and spiraling out of control with these fetishes? Honestly, he is already getting WAY MORE than most wives would be willing to provide.

The guy has some real issues. Probably is either submissive or is ashamed of his masculinity or feels he should punish his masculine self.

He sounds like he could use some real therapy, but that is another issue.
This part I agree with - but I disagree it is another issue. IT IS THE ISSUE. I think he owes it to his wife to get some help for these compulsions, as it is damaging their relationship.

She is already bending backwards for him (I would have given a hard NO many stages ago), its time for him to put in some effort as well - like addressing the fact that his fetishes are increasing, and at this point doing harm.

She has every right to say enough is enough. This man has very little in the way of boundaries, or consideration for his wife.

HE needs help.
 

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......This part I agree with - but I disagree it is another issue. IT IS THE ISSUE. I think he owes it to his wife to get some help for these compulsions, as it is damaging their relationship.

She is already bending backwards for him (I would have given a hard NO many stages ago), its time for him to put in some effort as well - like addressing the fact that his fetishes are increasing, and at this point doing harm.

She has every right to say enough is enough. This man has very little in the way of boundaries, or consideration for his wife.

HE needs help.
I too agree he needs help, but he first needs to figure out he wants to change himself. His wife sounds like she has told him what she wants and made him understand that she isn't real happy with what he is doing. However, that has not been enough so far to motivate him to change himself. It is a shame, but it is what it is.

His wife on the other hand is saying that she wants to save her marriage and that other than "THE ISSUE" he is a good husband and she loves him.

It would be best if he could change himself, but if for some reason he can't then the wife has a choice. Does she want to gradually withdraw emotionally from her husband and marriage or does she want to figure out someway to build their relationship in some way she can live with.

My hope would be that marriage counseling would help motivate him to change, but if he can't do that and the W wants to strengthen the emotional bond between them, then she will have to change, even if we view her as already bending over backwards.

In my marriage when it became sex starved, I at first thought that my wife was a frigid ice queen to refuse to have sex with her husband. It took a lot of time for me to change myself so that I could make her feel loved and cherished, even if she refused to have sex with me. Then she got use to feeling loved and cherished and that allowed us to get marriage counseling with a sex therapist that eventually helped her see that I had changed and if she wanted to remain married she would need to change herself and her willingness to have sex with her husband. The type of sex I am talking about is not at all kinky. The point is that someones one party needs to change themself so that their partner can change. The "wronged" party may need to change first and that is one of the hallmarks of the MW Davis approach to Divorce Busting.
 
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