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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new here, but came searching for a place to belong, and talk, I guess.
The last thing I wanted to happen just happened... instead of me being able to somehow tell my husband that I sexted someone a couple months ago, he found out on his own. Including the picture of other guy's junk.... not OK. Naturally he is devastated and I am completely lost. I know that I was wrong. I know that I deserve to be hated. I just don't know how to fix it.
He said that I don't know how to behave when I drink, and therefore he knew one day that I would do 'something'. I called a therapist to see if I could begin sorting myself out ASAP since I have never pulled the trigger on that, and she said that she'd rather see us together because my issues impact both of us and our marriage.
Also, I have no idea how to get him to believe me and trust that I had zero physical interaction with this guy...not that it matters, I guess. I just felt it important for him to know that, but of course... he doesn't believe me/ seem to care at the moment. He is so hurt and angry and I so desperately want to make it better.
Not that our marriage was picture perfect, but I was supposed to grow old with him, have grandchildren.... I don't know how I let this happen (made this happen) and where to go from here.
 

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transparency will help for starters

give up all passwords, don't delete anything, let him snoop on your phone all he wants, be proactive in telling him where you are and what you are doing etc


also understand that it will take a long time for you to be able to regain his trust if he is willing to R

I suggest you click the newbie in my signature, in particular the 3rd post of the thread has things a former cheater can do to help their spouse heal
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you. I offered to give him all of my passwords and he said he didn't want to live like that... I'll read the post as you suggested. Appreciate it.
 

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A few thoughts to start:
  • Give him all your passwords to everything. Phone, e-mail, any form of communication.
  • Give him all photos exchanged, yours and the other man's.
  • Give him all communications between you and the other man.
  • Fully disclose the time line of your activity with the other man
  • If you deleted anything, tell your husband about it and what was on it.
  • If you were in recent contact with the other man, send him a no contact message, approved by your husband.
At the moment, a lot of honesty will go a long way.
 

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Thank you. I offered to give him all of my passwords and he said he didn't want to live like that... I'll read the post as you suggested. Appreciate it.
Not a good sign....

He needs to get to counseling. When they don't care what you do anymore it's not a good thing. Disconnect to survive.

Just be there for him is all you can do right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have tried reaching out to him a few times today to schedule a therapy session for us. He will not respond to me or answer my calls so I just scheduled it for myself. I'm mostly afraid that he will shut down and just shut me out.
 

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You can only give him honesty and let him know that you are going to counciling on your own. It sounds like he also has an issue with you drinking. I would limit that to times when he is with you. The disconnecting is a BS's way of protecting themselves from the hurt. You need to keep telling him that you love him and do any little things you can to prove it. Keep doing it even if he never says it back. You created this mess, now you have to clean it up.
 

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I kind a disagree with yout IC in that you need to straighten out your own sh1t so that you can straighten ot the marriage.

Granted its a good idea to share the IC and turn her into a MC, but the issue is you and you looking and learning the tools to affair proof your marriage.

So sure bring H in but if the IC start to blame him for your infidelity then you got the wrong MC.

I personally believe your infidelity has everything to do with you so thats why I disagree with you shrink.

As far as helping your H I suggest calling him thru out the day and just keep it realy short and let him know you are think of him and if he is alright, then let him go.

In my case my fWW would always call and it helped me. Even if it was just a few seconf convo, it really ment alot. I could always count on her call as she went into work, at break, at lunch and on her way home.


Another thing that sticks out in my mind is her huge degree of submission she has towards me. Back in the day...d-day that is she took alot of crap from me but kept on coming back...I'll give her that.
 

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In addition I would talk to your IC with regards to the agenda she has for your H...I mean if she start going down the blame game with him, for your infidelity it will push your old man even further a away.

Again you choice to behave this way is all on you and the action you take for your self to have healthier behavior will reflect on your recommitment to the M....hopefully it works!
 

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He's pretty hurt and angry right now, you have just dealt a devastating blow to his ego and his manhood. All your attempts to get him to help you fix this are only pushing him further away.

Write him a letter, apologize, let him know you love him and only him, tell him you will do whatever it takes to fix this, let him know you are going to get help, tell him he is welcome to come but don't force him.

It's going to take awhile to rebuild his self-esteem, you let him down big time and right now he needs to be able to process all of this, right now he is watching mind movies of the other man's junk and his emotions are on a roller coaster.

Go to your appointment, leave him a note, love him from a distance, don't push him, but let him know you're there and let him know when he's ready to talk you're ready to listen.
He may never trust you again, but that is something you may just have to live with.
that's the price you pay for getting your freak on over the phone with another dude.


Also, whoever the owner of this junk is, you need to cut off all contact with him, delete him from your phone and never speak to him or text him again...this is non-negotiable!

Good Luck :)
 

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I have tried reaching out to him a few times today to schedule a therapy session for us. He will not respond to me or answer my calls so I just scheduled it for myself. I'm mostly afraid that he will shut down and just shut me out.

He has already shut down. What you have to do now is hope he will open back up. You must provide an enviroment where this is possible. I know of a similar situation where the wife did exactly the right thing and it all worked out but she was smart enough to know her old man and play it the way he was able to work through it. In his case he needed to be able to talk about it when ever he wanted and vent those feelings whenever they were at critical mass. He still does a couple of decades later though it is more like having a converstation with her than venting but it still accomplishes the goal of venting pressure. She listens intently and never debates. That is what has held them together all these years even though he loves her more than life itself, he would never had been able to take it where she not so smart as to understand the damge done and how to handle it. That being said IC until he is ready for MC.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you so much for all of your replies!

He did call me back to say that he would go with me. I've never been. She isn't my counselor, just someone my insurance recommended. I left her a VM this morning, told her what I'd done, and send her an email as well. She called me back and in the brief chat she said that she preferred to see us both if possible, because my issues impact both of us and not just me. I get that. But he's also a man, and what man wants to go to counseling? I get that too.... It's set for Monday at 6. She asked me how his agreeing to come made me feel... hopeful yes, and then like crying more.
I want to express to him how sorry I am, but words are meaningless to him. Now is a good example of why, I guess. Hard to get someone to have butterflies when they hear I love you from someone who's just betrayed them.
I'll offer any/all passwords to him and follow his lead. He was supposed to take the kids to the Polar Express with friends tomorrow (I was supposed to be on a girls trip that had been planned before we knew about the Polar Express ). I don't know if he's still planning to go or not. I don't want to punish the kids but I also feel like it's too soon to ask him.... anything really. I offered to pick up the kids from school today and he said he would do it.

I just don't know how to act/ what to do to make his pain less... I realize it is not going to happen overnight and may not happen ever, but I can't just sit back and do nothing. (Yes, I know, I've done enough...)
 

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Marriage is based on trust and love, and you've broken both, and it doesn't matter if it wasn't physical. You gave another man physical pleasure that was meant for your H. You have betrayed him. It was selfish. It was entirely your fault.

I'm happy for you that you appear to realize the pain you have caused. What happens now is up to your BS, and on his time table. Answer every question he poses, don't be snarky. If drinking contributed, give it up (not just cut back). What's more important, a drink or your marriage. Hope you make it through.
 

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He has already shut down. What you have to do now is hope he will open back up. You must provide an enviroment where this is possible.
I agree with the folks saying that he is in shutdown/disconnect mode.

My wife offers up all her info and tells me everywhere she goes (asking for permission), etc. At this point, I am saying the same thing as your husband - I don't want to live that way. I don't want to be with someone that I'm going to have to spend my energy worrying/snooping about fidelity.

My ego was crushed by the messages.

I don't want to do MC with her either. This is a bad sign, as my resolve is growing to go for a D instead of an R.

Don't ask for feedback or praise for doing the right things. Just do them. Nothing is annoying me more than MY WIFE bringing all this stuff up and constantly trying to get a temperature check on me.

Good luck.
 

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I hope you canceled the girl's trip.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Forgot to comment on the drinking part- he says when we are out together (bar/club scene), and I drink too much, I don't know how to act (boundaries drop, more talkative and flirtatious) and lose regard for him. I see his point and told him I would never drink again if that's what he wanted.
But I see My 2nd Rodeo's point- and I feel like my H would be the same. Actions not words. And not in your face about my wherabouts and business.
Maybe I'll just write my passwords down for him to keep them if he wants, and I'll offer to just go to IC if he'd rather do MC later... if he wants.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
And yes, I turned around and promptly came home to save my marriage and not go on a stupid trip. Also, yes, I do not have contact or even method of contact for the other guy anymore. My last message to him was Saturday, it was a closure message to me, saying goodbye. My H saw everything today, and doesn't see my message as saying goodbye, but thinks I was still trying to reach out to him on Saturday. I had already planned that if it did warrant a response, my response would have been to apologize for my inappropriate behavior as a married woman... But I didn't get a response, so since I didn't lead off with that, my H thinks I was just Fishing. The sexting lasted about 2 weeks at the beginning of October. And meaningless, occasional conversation after. The other guy is not someone I would ever run into again. He is literally 9000 miles away. I just made the dumbest biggest mistake of my life.

Thank you again for all of your input. It is very helpful to hear things from different sides.
 

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Forgot to comment on the drinking part- he says when we are out together (bar/club scene), and I drink too much, I don't know how to act (boundaries drop, more talkative and flirtatious) and lose regard for him. I see his point and told him I would never drink again if that's what he wanted.
But I see My 2nd Rodeo's point- and I feel like my H would be the same. Actions not words. And not in your face about my wherabouts and business.
Maybe I'll just write my passwords down for him to keep them if he wants, and I'll offer to just go to IC if he'd rather do MC later... if he wants.
Hey, don't tell him you'll never drink again. Wrong approach. Why? Because it's 1) not believable and 2) tells him this is just temporary/panic changes - not lasting.

So watch the "nevers".

I was trying to really reflect on whether or not you should offer up your passwords. Here's what I think might be neutral to ok to great - write down all your passwords and put them in an manilla envelope. Write a note and leave it somewhere that's his space - IDK his desk, closet, car. The jist of the note (keep it short) "Here they are if ever you want them, I will not mention this again or ask you if you want them. Do what you will with these, I don't need to know. My life is an open book to you from now on."

I'm not him, so think on this - how HE would respond.

Good luck.
 
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