[darkfilly]

I would really appreciate feedback about this incident, because frankly it makes no sense to me.

We had been having discussions for awhile about my husband having ex girlfriends on his FB friends list. While I understood from him that he doesn't even communicate with them, beyond an occasional comment on a status update, I have long felt that it isn't right for a married man to have female exes as friends on FB. I had also been reading the book, Facebook And Your Marriage, and felt pretty validated by the authors standpoint on this. So last night the topic came up again and my husband seemed pretty adamant about claiming that I don't trust him, that I am insecure and jealous of these other women. Well to be honest, I am not jealous or insecure about them. What bothers me is his unswerving loyalty to these "friendships" even though they are causing friction between us. But he doesn't see it that way, so I am portrayed as a jealous, insecure wreck over people from his past.

I tried using the example of how would he feel if I had ex boyfriends on my friends list, and was being stubborn about unfriending them if he told me it made him uncomfortable. But he got angry and just went to sleep.

So this morning, I came out to say good morning, and he actually commanded me to come and stand in front of his computer while he angrily unfriended each ex girlfriend. It felt like a sucker punch. I was still half asleep and couldn't understand why he was being so hateful. It hurt for him to do it this way as if I had commanded him to throw away his favorite armchair. I am still hurt. I can't believe that he doesn't see what was wrong with it, and worse that he thinks that the sole reason I felt uncomfortable with it is because I am jealous!

:crying:

 

[Cletus]

Why is it so hard to understand that he might see this differently than do you?

I had to go through the same exercise with my wife. I had an ex with whom I rarely had any exchanges. My wife said that every time she saw one of her posts appear on my timeline, none of which had anything to do with me, she would get all upset.

So I unfriended her. But the problem was my wife's, not mine. I think she was wrong, but it was in our marriage's best interests to do as she wished.

 

[tech-novelist]

I don't see anything wrong with your position. Many marriages have been broken up with the help of Facebook.

 

[Holland]

Right and wrong for both of you.

I have ex's on FB, am amicable with and have coffee's and dinners with my ex husband (and kids) but my SO trusts me. My SO travels for work, has dinner with his ex (and their kids) but I trust my partner.

If I was accused of being untrustworthy it would be a personal insult because I am trustworthy. I don't accuse my partner of being untrustworthy because I do trust him.

Look at why this was such a big deal for you, do have you have reason to not trust your husband?
Your husband was very passive aggressive about his reaction. You guys have some issues to work on here that may need a third party to help you with.

 

[richardsharpe]

Good evening
I am still FB friends with an Ex. I think that as long as the conversations are not hidden, there is nothing wrong with this. I would be unhappy if my wife insisted that I break contact with anyone.

I understand the fear of loosing someone, but I'm afraid that telling someone to cut off contact could easily push them away. It shows a lack of trust, and someone who is not trusted, may not fell that they need to behave in a trustworthy fashion.

Its sad, I see signs that my wife trusts me less with time - not based on anything I have done. She tries to hide it, but I notice her snooping in various ways. I always admired her for trusting me, and would never have done anything to violate that trust. If the trust is gone, it feels like there is less to violate. (see my long ago thread about the jewelry store card).

 

[darkfilly]

Why is it so hard to understand that he might see this differently than do you?

I wish I knew! I really wish I knew why we can't see eye to eye on this. Maybe it has to do with his behavior early in our relationship, when he couldn't seem to stop mentioning various ex girlfriends. I listened at first, puzzled but trying to be patient. Then I got tired of him recounting stories about them all the time. I asked him very reasonably to please try to focus on us, and our new relationship, and explained that I felt uncomfortable with how much he had to keep bringing these other women up. So maybe seeing these woman being friends with him on FB recreates that same pain?

I had to go through the same exercise with my wife. I had an ex with whom I rarely had any exchanges. My wife said that every time she saw one of her posts appear on my timeline, none of which had anything to do with me, she would get all upset.

So I unfriended her. But the problem was my wife's, not mine. I think she was wrong, but it was in our marriage's best interests to do as she wished.

Perhaps I will show this to my husband. If only he could see that it is in our marriages best interest! I admit that the problem is mine. What hurts is the way that he responded. Grudgingly, angrily.

 

[perol]

If he's not hiding anything from you and you trust him not to doing anything inappropriate with these girls then why did you have such a huge issue with it?

Sometimes ex's CAN be friends and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I think you are being unreasonable, I totally get his anger, and he probably thinks you don't trust him.

FB isn't the problem here, it's your jealousy and lack of trust in him. That will spawn bigger problems over time, just wait and see.

 

[chillymorn]

i think face book ruins lots of marriages. if he chooses this hill to die on then its pretty telling of his inability to be the husband you need. for crying out loud if he barley even talks with them then is a small compromise to have a happy wife.

 

[darkfilly]

Well, I am happy to report that we have had a talk and I got him to see that it wasn't about lack of trust, but about my feeling uncomfortable with him getting upset about my wanting to talk about it. I realize that it came across as a lack of trust but that was not the issue. And his reluctance to unfriend the exes aroused my suspicions. I also have a strong dislike of FB because I have had some hurtful experiences with friends and family on there, so that played a role, too. And of course his angry response was hurtful as I am very sensitive. I made it clear that I don't object to his being on Facebook, and he has decided to leave the two exes unfriended because they never even talked much if at all. He is also going to purge some other friends off his list that he hasn't been actively talking with.

I want to thank you guys for your varying responses because they helped me to clarify my feelings and discuss them better with my husband!

 

[FeministInPink]

@darkfilly--are you being jealous, irrational, and making a big deal out of nothing, when you want him to unfriend his exes on Facebook? Yeah, maybe. But everybody does irrational stuff sometimes. It happens. No biggie.

What IS MORE IRRATIONAL is your husband's reaction. It seems really strange that he would prioritize superficial Facebook "friendships" over his partner's peace of mind. Are they really that important to him? I doubt it. You're asking for something which, in the overall scheme of things, is very insignificant, but which will also give you a great amount of security, and would pay off large emotional dividends. Like @Cletus posted above, his wife asked for something similar, and he thought it was weird, but he did it anyway, because that's what was best for their relationship, and ultimately, it didn't really matter all that much to him. it was a small (negligible) sacrifice for much greater gain.

So why is your husband making such a big freaking deal about it? I think you need to get to the bottom of THAT.

 

[UMP]

Ah.......
I am so glad we are not on facebook. I refuse all that crapola. No facebook, no twitter, no smartphone, nothin. When someone makes fun of my flip phone, I toss it across the room and slam it against the wall. "can your phone do this?" I say.

Regarding the question.
They are called "ex" girlfriends for a reason. That would be analogous to keeping my "little black book" with codes I had next to the names. First thing I did when I got married was to burn that "little black book." Ah, the memories. If I were a recovering crack addict, the last thing I should have in storage is some crack. Don't be fooled, speaking as a male, regarding our old lady friends, we're all past addicts. (at least I am)

Sometimes you have to learn to just move on and move forward. Ex's on facebook, that's a no no IMO.

Easy for me to say, cause I ain't got facebook and I'm soooo glad I don't.

 

[perol]

I realize that it came across as a lack of trust but that was not the issue.

You say it has nothing to do with trust or lack thereof, but then you say this:

And his reluctance to unfriend the exes aroused my suspicions.

suspicions= lack of trust.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself about the reasons you want him to discontinue communication with his ex's.

 

[LonelyinLove]

I have an ex BF on my friend list and I won't defriend him. He was my BF in high school...many years ago. We have shared friendships and history. I'm also FB friends with his wife and daughter.

The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.

As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.

 

[samyeagar]

I have an ex BF on my friend list and I won't defriend him. He was my BF in high school...many years ago. We have shared friendships and history. I'm also FB friends with his wife and daughter.

The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.

As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.

So your Facebook friends are more important to you than your marriage. To each their own, and no doubt, this works for your relationship,

 

[LonelyinLove]

So your Facebook friends are more important to you than your marriage. To each their own, and no doubt, this works for your relationship,

It's not an issue in marriage...I married a grown-up...and we've been married for 36 years.

 

[FeministInPink]

I have an ex BF on my friend list and I won't defriend him. He was my BF in high school...many years ago. We have shared friendships and history. I'm also FB friends with his wife and daughter.

The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.

As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.

So, you're saying that if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook (and let's say for argument's sake that he was NOT friends with any exes on Facebook)... if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook, that you would BLOCK YOUR HUSBAND rather than unfriend your ex from high school? And basically send your husband the message that your high school ex Facebook friendship is more important than he is?

Wow.

 

[perol]

The H can go pound sand if he thinks he's going to manage my Facebook page. If he were to ever get that invasive, I'll block my friends list.

As it is, he is friends with the ex BF too, and he has an old GF on his list as well.

You sound like you're angry at your husband.

 

[LonelyinLove]

So, you're saying that if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook (and let's say for argument's sake that he was NOT friends with any exes on Facebook)... if it really bothered him that you were friends with an ex on Facebook, that you would BLOCK YOUR HUSBAND rather than unfriend your ex from high school? And basically send your husband the message that your high school ex Facebook friendship is more important than he is?

Wow.

Okay.

So if it really bothered me to unfriend on old friend, who I have kept in contact with for years, based only on my H's jealousy and unfounded feelings, the message my husband is sending me is that his feelings are much more important than mine, right?

This is a two edged sword, and I'm not fencing.

 

[LonelyinLove]

You sound like you're angry at your husband.

No, this isn't an issue for me.

Deleting people from our past based on the jealousy and insecurities of our SO is not a good thing.

Everyone from our past is part of our story and unless there are still romantic feelings, what is the big deal?

 

[UMP]

It's not an issue in marriage...I married a grown-up...and we've been married for 36 years.

You GO girl !!!

I think the perfect analogy would be alcoholism.
Some people can drink ONE drink every day with no problem whatsoever and others who are alcoholics can NEVER drink, lest they fall.
Obviously LonelyinLove and her husband are mature in their relationship and have no hang ups regarding ex's. I on the other hand have a more addictive, weak personality in regards to the opposite sex. My wife knows this and I know this, therefore no interaction with ex's, even as "friends."