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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Saw this on reddit. Thought it would be a useful resource here;

Posted by Mike'stropical61( has some other really good posts)

I have two Graduate Degrees, one in Adult Education, one in Information Systems, Several Undergraduate Degrees in much the same field. I have extensive counseling experience, not only in Infidelity cases but including those. Literally thousands of counseling case experience. I am retired Army, former Airborne and Air Assault trained, twenty one year’s total military time. Since then I have worked as an Adult Education Instructor for the Army, last few years in Administration.

Greetings all!

Fellow betrayed and all interested parties. I just ran across an article that I thought was both interesting, affirming, and very informative. As such the link to the article is listed at the end of this post, please feel free to read and provide comments. In short the article clearly articulates what I have been posting here for the last two years. But let me summarize my points that coincide with the article.

I have been reading, listening to, talking, and discussing the infidelity landscape in great detail for most of my adult life. I have literally counseled hundreds of people, both male and female in the process. I am always on the look-out for helpful information and articles. As a consumer I have notices many stories follow the same story line and have very familiar patterns. Now I am not stating that each and every one of your stories falls into that category but I would almost say that 95% do.

Patterns: Spouse acts coldly, different, or is disinterested in the relationship or the spouse. Spouse acts out of character, not the same, different morals, behavior, etc. Spouse no longer prioritizes family or betrayed spouse (BS), goes out frequently and has many out of character unexplained absences. Spouse denies or minimizes affection or warmth. Now you can add additional parts to these patterns but you get the idea of what we are discussing here. Bottom line is the first indicator that there is something wrong is a change in behavior and affection. Second indicator may be a lack of interest in the spouse, the relationship, the future. When these indicators present themselves please be certain to investigate. They do not happen in a vacuum and the reason more than likely is an affair. But why?

Factors: Affairs do not happen in said vacuum. I am not giving excuses for this behavior whatsoever, so please do not crucify me for the following, but there are some underlying causes for an increased chance of your spouse cheating. Depression, mental issues, low self-esteem, low self-worth, hormonal changes due to life events such as pregnancy or aging, all heighten the chances of your spouse cheating. The reason is simple and yet has catastrophic consequences on you and your relationship. Your wayward spouse is seeking a thrill, a distraction from everyday life, a distraction from their problems and they seek an affair as a thrill or outlet. The affair releases chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin in their brain and the addiction begins. The chemical reaction in your WS’s brain is similar to heroin addiction. Many of you have stated that your WS just cannot let go of the affair partner, and even after confrontation they continue to contact the AP. Rarely can they just cut off the AP without going through what you could liken to withdrawal. They know fully what the consequences are going to be if they don’t but they just cannot let go of the drug of choice at that time. Only after they have completed the withdrawal and they can look back on that time can they clearly see how destructive that behavior was to them.

Fall-out and progression: I will use a common example. A couple has been together for ten years and one of the partners has an affair. See factors listed below for the why but is that the entire story? Why can’t they just get their spouse to make the changes inside the relationship that will cause those same chemical/hormonal releases and not find them outside of the relationship? Let us say that the factors for example are what you might say are a mid-life crisis (really a change in hormonal levels) and the partner now sees you as the obstacle to getting what they want. Along comes a potential AP and now your spouse will distance themselves from the relationship, not leave it but distance themselves nonetheless. Most humans cannot focus on more than one relationship at a time so now the AP is the giver of the drug, you are the stability and the everyday. The release of those hormones in your spouse’s brain will cause changes to that structure and will cause the WS to move closer to the AP. As a result they will distance themselves from you which could also be called alienation of affection. Now the WS will do anything and everything within their power to get their drug. Just like the heroin addict they will do things out of character, will do immoral acts, lie, cheat, and steal in order to maintain that drug giving relationship. In many cases the WS will sacrifice everything to continue receiving that drug. They will sacrifice their children, their spouse, their security, yes in short their future in order to get one more hit.

Final Outcome: I know that all of you have heard the term “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, right? Well that saying is really not far from the truth unfortunately. Just like alcoholics or drug addicts, cheaters are addicts and like all addiction they can reform but more than likely they will always remain in danger of reoffending. When their situation changes, when life is boring or stressful, when depression reemerges, all those could be triggers for another affair. So as the BS you have to be aware that you have to be ever vigilant of those facts and continue to monitor indefinitely. Does it absolutely mean that your addict will not reoffend? Well there are all sorts of addicts that have beaten the addiction and are good to go but in each case it required some intervention, their agreement, and therapy to get to a point where control is possible. They, your WS, see you as the obstacle to getting their fix while the affair is going on, so if you discover the affair and issue an ultimatum or if you try to fix the relationship, the WS will continue to see you as the obstacle to their fix and they will or could resent you for that. I have heard it called being weak but it really is a matter of you standing in the way of the addict getting their fix. Your WS may however still beg you to reconcile and to not blow up the relationship but why do they do that? Have they really come to their senses? Remember that you are the routine and the AP is the high, the thrill, the extraordinary. Well here we have the rational side of your WS’s brain taking over permanently or temporarily. It is difficult to give up routine, safety, security, and stability. To give up the structure you have built. But let us say your WS actually wants to reconcile, is it a certainty that the affair is over? Many times as per your stories the WS continues to go back to the AP for contact even after reconciliation is initiated. Remember what I stated in the beginning, you have an addict on your hands, and with that addict comes continuous vigilance and monitoring to ensure they stay in the relationship and not stray.

What are your thoughts?

PS: Link to the article below, please read:

Clueless Alienation Syndrome

Https://www.lindajmacdonald.com/blog/clueless-alien
 

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Good post. Good points, my opinion: yes, I agree w the addiction concept, and like most addictions, it takes great will power to not dabble in detrimental behavior in the first place...whether that be an affair...gambling, drinking, drugs. Porn etc (if these are your weaknesses)

It takes a strong mind to steer straight,
And a weak mind to be easily swayed.

As I read this, so do we become also addicted to our partner and thus always trying to seek that 'fix'?
I think so. Is it because of love we're always trying to get in their pants? Maybe. Or is it that fix that no else should not provide? Maybe again.
Or both.
 

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Reconciliation is very risky and it's never worth it, plus known you have damaged goods sleeping next to you is not good or healthy!
That's why I don't believe in reconciliation, because yo can never fully reconcile and live a normal life with a cheater!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Good post. Good points, my opinion: yes, I agree w the addiction concept, and like most addictions, it takes great will power to not dabble in detrimental behavior in the first place...whether that be an affair...gambling, drinking, drugs. Porn etc (if these are your weaknesses)

It takes a strong mind to steer straight,
And a weak mind to be easily swayed.

As I read this, so do we become also addicted to our partner and thus always trying to seek that 'fix'?
I think so. Is it because of love we're always trying to get in their pants? Maybe. Or is it that fix that no else should not provide? Maybe again.
Or both.

Hey I agree. I feel like sometimes we get stuck in the fixer mentality. I wonder is some of the POS fall for the woe is me attitude to fix.. the by showering them with affection and sex. They [ws] gets lost in their own lies.
 

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I never met one of those Aliens of planet Affection?
Which star system do they derive from?

One of us, likely has visited there.


Ares Martin-
 
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Saw this on reddit. Thought it would be a useful resource here;

Posted by Mike'stropical61( has some other really good posts)

I have two Graduate Degrees, one in Adult Education, one in Information Systems, Several Undergraduate Degrees in much the same field. I have extensive counseling experience, not only in Infidelity cases but including those. Literally thousands of counseling case experience. I am retired Army, former Airborne and Air Assault trained, twenty one year’s total military time. Since then I have worked as an Adult Education Instructor for the Army, last few years in Administration.

Greetings all!

Fellow betrayed and all interested parties. I just ran across an article that I thought was both interesting, affirming, and very informative. As such the link to the article is listed at the end of this post, please feel free to read and provide comments. In short the article clearly articulates what I have been posting here for the last two years. But let me summarize my points that coincide with the article.

I have been reading, listening to, talking, and discussing the infidelity landscape in great detail for most of my adult life. I have literally counseled hundreds of people, both male and female in the process. I am always on the look-out for helpful information and articles. As a consumer I have notices many stories follow the same story line and have very familiar patterns. Now I am not stating that each and every one of your stories falls into that category but I would almost say that 95% do.

Patterns: Spouse acts coldly, different, or is disinterested in the relationship or the spouse. Spouse acts out of character, not the same, different morals, behavior, etc. Spouse no longer prioritizes family or betrayed spouse (BS), goes out frequently and has many out of character unexplained absences. Spouse denies or minimizes affection or warmth. Now you can add additional parts to these patterns but you get the idea of what we are discussing here. Bottom line is the first indicator that there is something wrong is a change in behavior and affection. Second indicator may be a lack of interest in the spouse, the relationship, the future. When these indicators present themselves please be certain to investigate. They do not happen in a vacuum and the reason more than likely is an affair. But why?

Factors: Affairs do not happen in said vacuum. I am not giving excuses for this behavior whatsoever, so please do not crucify me for the following, but there are some underlying causes for an increased chance of your spouse cheating. Depression, mental issues, low self-esteem, low self-worth, hormonal changes due to life events such as pregnancy or aging, all heighten the chances of your spouse cheating. The reason is simple and yet has catastrophic consequences on you and your relationship. Your wayward spouse is seeking a thrill, a distraction from everyday life, a distraction from their problems and they seek an affair as a thrill or outlet. The affair releases chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin in their brain and the addiction begins. The chemical reaction in your WS’s brain is similar to heroin addiction. Many of you have stated that your WS just cannot let go of the affair partner, and even after confrontation they continue to contact the AP. Rarely can they just cut off the AP without going through what you could liken to withdrawal. They know fully what the consequences are going to be if they don’t but they just cannot let go of the drug of choice at that time. Only after they have completed the withdrawal and they can look back on that time can they clearly see how destructive that behavior was to them.

Fall-out and progression: I will use a common example. A couple has been together for ten years and one of the partners has an affair. See factors listed below for the why but is that the entire story? Why can’t they just get their spouse to make the changes inside the relationship that will cause those same chemical/hormonal releases and not find them outside of the relationship? Let us say that the factors for example are what you might say are a mid-life crisis (really a change in hormonal levels) and the partner now sees you as the obstacle to getting what they want. Along comes a potential AP and now your spouse will distance themselves from the relationship, not leave it but distance themselves nonetheless. Most humans cannot focus on more than one relationship at a time so now the AP is the giver of the drug, you are the stability and the everyday. The release of those hormones in your spouse’s brain will cause changes to that structure and will cause the WS to move closer to the AP. As a result they will distance themselves from you which could also be called alienation of affection. Now the WS will do anything and everything within their power to get their drug. Just like the heroin addict they will do things out of character, will do immoral acts, lie, cheat, and steal in order to maintain that drug giving relationship. In many cases the WS will sacrifice everything to continue receiving that drug. They will sacrifice their children, their spouse, their security, yes in short their future in order to get one more hit.

Final Outcome: I know that all of you have heard the term “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, right? Well that saying is really not far from the truth unfortunately. Just like alcoholics or drug addicts, cheaters are addicts and like all addiction they can reform but more than likely they will always remain in danger of reoffending. When their situation changes, when life is boring or stressful, when depression reemerges, all those could be triggers for another affair. So as the BS you have to be aware that you have to be ever vigilant of those facts and continue to monitor indefinitely. Does it absolutely mean that your addict will not reoffend? Well there are all sorts of addicts that have beaten the addiction and are good to go but in each case it required some intervention, their agreement, and therapy to get to a point where control is possible. They, your WS, see you as the obstacle to getting their fix while the affair is going on, so if you discover the affair and issue an ultimatum or if you try to fix the relationship, the WS will continue to see you as the obstacle to their fix and they will or could resent you for that. I have heard it called being weak but it really is a matter of you standing in the way of the addict getting their fix. Your WS may however still beg you to reconcile and to not blow up the relationship but why do they do that? Have they really come to their senses? Remember that you are the routine and the AP is the high, the thrill, the extraordinary. Well here we have the rational side of your WS’s brain taking over permanently or temporarily. It is difficult to give up routine, safety, security, and stability. To give up the structure you have built. But let us say your WS actually wants to reconcile, is it a certainty that the affair is over? Many times as per your stories the WS continues to go back to the AP for contact even after reconciliation is initiated. Remember what I stated in the beginning, you have an addict on your hands, and with that addict comes continuous vigilance and monitoring to ensure they stay in the relationship and not stray.

What are your thoughts?

PS: Link to the article below, please read:

Clueless Alienation Syndrome

Https://www.lindajmacdonald.com/blog/clueless-alien
I read the article link and wow. That is astoundingly accurate to my story, and I also quite enjoy the label of Clueless Alien for waywards. I have believed since I found out about the affair that my wasbands brain has been permentantly damaged by his idiocy. I now have some support for that assertion. Thank you for this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You know I felt these things during my RA. I woke up from it... I couldn't believe how far I had fallen.
 
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