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Alcohol, dating sites and unhappy marriage

3K views 41 replies 24 participants last post by  EastCoastNative 
#1 ·
Hello, I’ll apologise if this is a long post, but I don’t know what to do. My wife has suffered from anxiety and depression and low self worth. We have been married for over 21 years with two kids 18 and 12. Alcohol is a major issue for her, which I know is a seperate topic. She is having specialist psychotherapy.
Recently, her behaviour has changed, increased drinking and staying up till 4am clubbing before a working day. This week, on my night shift, she was awake till 4am on Monday night and again last night. She signed up to match.com stating “Yes- just wanted to see if anyone liked me, am feeling insecure x” I tried to chat to her to make her feel better, but was told ‘I’m fine’. This morning, I came home from work at 6am and she was already in the shower having been awake till 4am. She admitted chatting to strange men on WhatsApp and was pleasuring herself. She said she was sent rude photos, but I did not ask if she had sent any back.
I probably overreacted this morning as she was very defensive and shady. She has said she’s not been happy in our marriage for months now, says she wants to work things out. But I am not sure she does.
we live in an expensive rented house, kids don’t want to move. Neither of us can afford to move out - unless we give up this house and find two places cheaper. I want to resolve things, but she accuses me of being always annoyed and grumpy. I’ve told her, I cannot cope with the alcohol abuse and inability to seek help. I just don’t know where to turn next. I do have five more sessions with relate, but don’t know whether to push to stay together, or accept it’s the end. I admit I can be grumpy, but it’s a reaction to her behaviour, which is likely to be issues from childhood coming out. It’s the shutting me out, when she wants open and honesty from me, knowing I’m home for kids when I need to be etc.
Apologies if this has come across jumbled, but I feel totally lost, upset and taken for granted😢
 
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#2 ·
may be both of you would be better off apart, some times one is pulling down the other , or using the other as a fall back ,
it seems like you would be best thinking about the kids first , and she needs to hit the wall or keep turning for years
 
#4 ·
Just from what you have said she seems like she loves you but she doesn't want to be married anymore. Match.com, she admitted she isn't happy. She says she wants to work it out probably just to stay in the house because if you divorce she has to find her own place. And she shows no desire to get help with drinking or your marriage. I would say she wants out especially talking to other men and not hiding it either. I would bring up possible divorce to her just to see if it wakes her up and makes her realize your ready to leave.
 
#5 ·
Your wife's behavior is unacceptable. She has cheated on you, and you are worried about overreacting? Short of physical violence you can't overreact. Get this is you head, SHE HAS CHEATED ON YOU. She pleasured herself late into the night with random men. She is on a dating app. And your feeling lost and taken for granted? Those are not the primary emotions you should be feeling right now.
 
#6 ·
If alcohol is her problem, she needs to deal with that and then see where she's at. Meanwhile if she's drunk a lot, could you even trust her to split custody of the kids or would she be driving drunk or just neglecting them?

First she needs to stop drinking. Sounds like she has self-esteem problems as well but she's in therapy for that although she's chosen to go on a match site instead to pump up her ego. She really doesn't sound like she's making good decisions.

If you split, for finding a suitable place to live will be her problem but it'll have to be suitable for whatever children are left at home. Neither of you will be able to move away from the other sharing custody as far as too many miles away.

If she wants to work on your marriage she sure has a funny way of showing it.
 
#22 ·
If she's clubbing until 4am the shower activity is just the icing on the cake. She's not being innocent at a club until 4am (what normal clubs are even open that late?).

Being on dating sites and actively communicating and getting pictures ALONG with the clubbing she's most likely not only cheating but seriously playing the field with many partners.
 
#10 ·
Many thanks everyone. Reality is hard to accept, but it’s clear to see. I’ve got kids tea on the go and she’s on her way home from work. Regardless of discussions I’ve had on here, I’ll be extremely interested in how she is when she gets home.
 
#11 ·
Many things to comment on….

Why is she in therapy? Therapy occurs for 2 reasons, you’re being forced to go or you want help. She obviously doesn’t want help. If she’s being forced it’s worthless because, like I just mentioned, she doesn’t want help.

I truly believe in the vows “in sickness and in health”. She is sick, she needs help. She needs to go to an inpatient rehab center and deal with her alcoholism, depression, and self esteem. However, if the sick person refuses to get treatment, then you’re not obligated.

Why are you being an enabler? You’re watching the kids so she can go out drinking. Youre not doing any to prevent her from this behavior. You‘re providing the $ for this behavior. How much money is she spending on all this clubbing? Even if she’s drinking at home to excess, that adds up to a few $100 a month.

Of course no one wants to move, but is that what you’re really concerned about, the kids moving to a different neighborhood or school. You’re not worried about the examples you and your wife are setting as parents, teaching them that drinking to excess is ok. Arguing parents are ok. Infidelity is ok.

You’re really ok with her cheating on you?

You need to face reality. Your marriage is over. The only hope of saving it is to get her into a rehab program. If she refuses, tell her to get out.
 
#14 ·
Recently, her behaviour has changed, increased drinking and staying up till 4am clubbing before a working day. This week, on my night shift, she was awake till 4am on Monday night and again last night. She signed up to match.com stating “Yes- just wanted to see if anyone liked me, am feeling insecure x” I tried to chat to her to make her feel better, but was told ‘I’m fine’. This morning, I came home from work at 6am and she was already in the shower having been awake till 4am. She admitted chatting to strange men on WhatsApp and was pleasuring herself. She said she was sent rude photos, but I did not ask if she had sent any back.
There is NOTHING acceptable to what you wrote here that your wife is doing -- this is NOT how a married person acts.
She is out clubbing and drinking WITHOUT YOU?? NO WAY. She is on match.com!!!! SHE IS MARRIED. NO WAY.
She is chatting with strange men? NO WAY. She is pleasuring herself with these strange men and getting photos from them? NO WAY.
WHY did you accept ANY of this. NONE of this is acceptable. You need to tell her all this stops, or you WILL divorce her.
Too bad if you have to get a smaller place -- is staying in that house worth her cheating, disrespecting you, and her being a AWFUL example of what a wife and mother are to your kids?
Seriously, see a lawyer so that you'd know what a divorce would look like for you financially and child support/custody. You NEED to be willing to go through with it -- it may shock her out of this crap she is doing. But if NOT, you SURELY would be better without her.
 
#16 ·
Your wife is a drunk, a liar, and a cheater. She is a piss poor example for the children. And so are you! A proper man and father would NOT tolerate her alcohol addiction, her clubbing, her internet dating, or anything even close to it.

Shine up your spine, file for a divorce, and show your girls what a man with self respect looks like.
 
#18 ·
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. Update from here… My wife came home from work yesterday, clearly ashamed and almost in tears. She was apologetic and admitted she had made a huge mistake. I have listened to her, told her what I felt and how it would have looked in the other direction. No doubt there will be many more conversations in the coming days and I will be seeking professional advice from relate and legal advice too. Perhaps we can save this, perhaps not. Truth is, I do not know, She thinks we can, BUT… I am well and truly guarded now, especially for my children’s sake. One things for sure, this will NOT happen again under my roof!!!
 
#20 ·
I would require a poly to verify no physical sex while out partying and possibly hooking up while you were at work.

Alcohol would stop.
Clubbing would stop.
Phone apps would stop.

Get proof of all this. Make a daily record of her activities for court/custody. I would monitor her comms and if she attempts talking to other guys again, divorce....hell you know she will, just go ahead and have papers prepared for when she does.
 
#23 ·
What do you do?
You stop aiding and abetting her behavior.
You get pissed.
You take some pride in yourself.
You study up on and implement the 180. Today.
You sort out your personal/ financial affairs as quickly as possible.
You organize your own hook up on Monday morning.
Except yours is going to be an attorney, a nice, toothy one.
Find one that has had considerable experience with those of her ilk.
Unleash them on her.
No one ever has to or should tolerate anyone dishing out the extreme disrespect that your wife has to you.
Sometimes, cost has to be no object.
This is one of those times.
You will make it work financially. When there is a will, there is a way.
Never allow yourself to be treated this way.
Protect yourself and your kids.
They should be your focus.
Just dispose of her properly.
Find the right attorney, and just get it done.
 
#39 ·
Hi everyone. Don’t know why I’ve come back here, but….. 5th May came and went, our planned spa and day and concert evening. Usual story - she got drunk, disappeared into another bar. Then told me I’m not her type. Following day after she woke up from her drunken slumber she stated that SHE wants the separation. I won’t go into too many details, but that behaviour had continued while we were ‘working on things’ but I was genuinely upset when she told me.
Fast forward a few weeks later and I had moved out into a shared house while I looked for my own flat - probably wrong as she was the cheater, but it was right for me due to my work. I have since found a flat of my own where my children now have a safe, alcohol limited space.
Also, on a much happier note, I met a lovely lady at a friends birthday house party, and have been dating her ever since. We’ve even had a short holiday together. She drinks very little, has the ability to enjoy life, having recently come out of her own controlling marriage. Some would say it’s too soon, but we understand each other with each other’s personal situation. I know my ex is struggling with this, and I need to be sensitive about this. However, it’s enabling me to move on away from what has become a toxic marriage. My next stage will be divorce… as soon as I sort a few things out. My ex wants divorce too, but states she is not ready. Personally… I am - along with developing a relationship with my new lady.
 
#42 ·
Yeah, I am tempted to say slow down. But I wish you good luck.
Funny, I was thinking the same thing. On the one hand, there's like a less than 1% chance that such an early rebound will be a successful long-term relationship. But on the other hand, the other woman knows his situation, they are both enjoying each other's company, and he is actually happier. So why not.
 
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