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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been maried 20 yrs. I have been thru 3 of his "midlife" episodes. Each episode involved him going out with "friends" to unwind and have a few beers. Each episode
found me left at home, the first time with his young son from a previous marriage, the next one found me home alone with our newly adopted daughters ages 2 & 4, this time I am also home with my children now ages 10 & 12. He works 2nd shift and
oftens stays out til 4 or 5 am. He drinks and drives. On weekends he can't wait to go out with friends for a few cold ones. He almost always comes home drunk and is usually either very silly (not in a good way) or very grouchy. It doesn't take long before he falls asleep (or passes out) and then comes the most god awful snoring you ever heard. Our daughters have learned to avoid him altogether during these times. The younger one commented that she wanted her next dad to be more like her uncle. The older on can do no right in her dad's eyes. We just bought a house and settled in to a family oriented neighborhood. The girls love it , I love it. I would hate to have to try to sell it and move into an apartment. I don't know what to do to turn this around. He denies his drinking is a problem and that I shouldn't be so uptight. He will not go to counseling, as he does not have a problem.
I worry about his health, his safety, our finances (25$ a night 2-4 times a week) and the damage it is doing to my daughters. I can't sleep when he is out, worrying that a policeman will come to the door. When he does get home I can't sleep with the snoring and the sour smell of used beer. I am so tired, I worry myself sick pondering the legal ramifications should he get in an accident. Am I responsible? would our insurance cover damages if he's DUI?, what if he gets arrested,how much would that run? How would we manage transportation if he lost his license? I am closing in on 50 years old and my life seems to be falling apart. Any suggestions or advice??? tfaye
 

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Is there any body who he respects that you could ask to talk to him? This may help because he may not see it as you attacking him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Two of he people he likes and respects most each got him a case of beer for his birthday yesterday. He always keeps beer here at the house,Funny part is he likes to go out and pay $2.00 to 3.00 at the bar. Drinking beer is a very social thing for him. He never drinks mixed drinks or shots, it only beer. He says he is not an alcoholic, it does not interfere with his job, it only a way for him to relax. It is a very frustrating situation. If I bring it up I am nagging and being totally unreasonable, and he just tunes me out or walks away from the conversation. Then the next time we see each other, it's like the conversation never even happened.
 

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Do you ahve a basement? Have him build a "man cave" in the basement with his own personal bar, that on fridays or saturdays he can have his frioends over and you will not bother them...at all. They can drink, play poker, whatever.

Ilike to hang out with the men of my neighborhood, we end up at someones house and drink, wives are included, kids play in the yard where ever we are....big party...then we walk home.

we can do this every weekend if we wanted to
 

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Ok, advice from someone who is married to a recovering alcoholic which won't consist of enabling...

YOU have to draw the line. The only person that can help him is HIM, but YOU don't have to help him. Get it?
A person who choses alcohol over his family, choses to drink and drive repeatedly with no regards to his own life, car, family or others on the road, and someone who lets alcohol cause this much grief IS an alcoholic. I'm sorry, you don't have to be homeless or have robbed to be an addict. The minute you chose alcohol first, you've become an alcoholic.
Basically, from what you said, he is either in denial of his problem or cannot admit his problem. So, you're in for one terrible ride until he does (which could be never).
My husband had gone through rehab and 4 months later was back to being a "weekend warrior." And no, it was NOT ok. Some people cannot drink ever, and a lot of the times their friends don't understand that. So, a year after rehab, I took what little money I had (which believe me was hardly enough) and moved into a crappy studio apartment. And let me tell you - for the first time in years I felt free. I really felt free. I was no longer his mother, his babysitter, his cop - his enabler. I was me and I could live my life.
That was my husband's bottom. That made him realize that even one drop of alcohol was not acceptable. In the end he chose me.

The lesson here is that you have to decide what YOU want and what is best for the children. Even if that means struggling hardcore financially for a while. Do not wait for him to "come around." All that does is prolong everyone's suffering. Stand up for yourself, don't think for a second that you have anymore control over his drinking than he does. It is not your responsibility. YOU and your children are your responsibility.

Definitely find yourself a good support group. Good luck, believe me I understand how hard it is.
 
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