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Hello,

I need a place to share my story and feelings. I'm getting anxious waiting for my counseling appointment next week. Any insight into my situation is welcomed.

I've been married for a year and am currently separated from my husband. Just two weeks after our honeymoon, my husband received a DUI. I then learned that my husband had been drinking while working/drinking on the way home from work, for over a year before we got married. My heart sank learning this. How didn't I know?! I'm still dealing with this betrayal and trying to understand his alcohol abuse.

Just as I thought we were working things out and getting help (talking to family, seeing doctors, meeting with our priest), I learn that the entire time he was continuing to drink and lie to me. I didn't know the extent of his drinking until I looked through his work shed, phone, and bank account. I found an entire bin of empty beer cans. He also recently got into a hit and run incident and didn't tell me about it. I had to find out by reading a text from his employee about meeting with the police. I still don't know all the details (he hit a wheelbarrow) but his court date is next month. I'm afraid he'll get into an accident and hurt himself or someone else. I couldn't live knowing he hurt or killed someone. Plus, we'd be ruined financially for life.

Since he owns his own business, our banks are separate. I knew things have been tight with him, but after I looked through the bank statements, I was mortified to see how careless he is with his spending. He's even purchased a pre-paid credit card. I'm thinking so I can't track his spending.

Another gut-punch is that we will not be buying a home this year - not that I think it's in our best interest at this point. However, he's not in a great financial situation. It was recommend to us that we apply for a mortgage just under my name. It was always our goal to buy a home together after we got married and it's sad we're far from that. Fortunately, I do have a good job and pay our rent and utilities. My mother-in-law told me I need to put my "hopes and dreams on hold"...I can't seem to let that statement go.

I really love him and know life is never perfect. I just cannot take any more of his lies or nights when he is moody because of drinking or withdrawal. I feel more like his mom than his wife. We separated once before for a month just six months into our marriage. I thought then he'd take me and our situation seriously, but things didn't really change. I cannot picture having children with him like this.

Besides struggling with alcohol, he is a very nice man. He hasn't ever been verbally or physically abusive. He does a lot for me and with me. He does a great job of helping around the house and makes dinner almost nightly. I keep going back and forth on what to do. It has only been one year. If I divorce now, I'm afraid I'll regret it and feel guilty. I take marriage seriously and the thought of breaking vows is terrifying. I know he has the potential to get clean and I love him so much. Although, I'm also afraid of staying longer and nothing changes or he's good for a while and then relapses. I don't want to waste precious time when I could be moving on. I'll be 26 next month.

It feels good to write that out. I'm so sad and confused. Please keep me in your prayers.

~E
 

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An alcoholic lives in a very different reality, it will boggle your mind at the extent he will go to hide his drinking and the consequences of his drinking. My advice....divorce him so you are protected from ruin, certainly do NOT buy a house together or start a family.

If you want to stay with him because you love him do it as two single people.
 

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I agree with Cooper. You don't want to hear it but divorce and don't look back. I had a very long marriage with an alcoholic and if I could go back and see the signs I would of never married him. It's been disappointment after disappointment, isolation and hurt. We had some good years but they were few and far between.
 

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Oh wow, you're just a newlywed and are facing this already.

Alcoholism is for life! He will have relapse after relapse. He'll promise to do better, then fall back into it hard. He'll lie and hide his alcohol usage from you.

One DUI leads to more. He may just end up killing someone with his car.

If you love him and want stay with him, you'll be pulling your hair in frustration! You'll be in for constant worrying too!

He'll lie and cheat and do anything to feed his habit.

Divorce seems your best choice AFAIC.

I feel really bad for you! I hope everthing works out in the end.
 

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Alcoholics rarely get that problem under control. And things don’t improve with time. Better to leave now than ten or twenty years down the road when you have children to consider and more debt to deal with.
 
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