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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Posted here before... Going to medschool wife stay with kids 4+5... I try to do my part, today started later so i made brkfest, lunches for kids and snacks... Wife comes down starts working in kitchen putting stuff away and j tell her i will do it, she says no, i will not! And continues .... to clean ...this just infuriates + smacks me down bc every mornjng i cook extra brkfest and put dishes from washer away+ leave kitchen clean and this morning i had everything undercontrol... And basically trying to give my wife an EASIER morning and she doesnt SEE it.

I feel really beat down by this because i put forth effort on weekend to do a couple small project and generally be mindful and will to help...and its not acknowledged!

I feel depressd ... Now time to see patients:(
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You're making yourself sick OP. Do that stuff because you WANT to do it, not because you need her validation. Do that stuff because doing it makes YOU feel good.
Thanks! Im not doing it for validation but in the least i dont expect to constantly be told i dont do anything or not enough specially when im trying!

And ignoring is tough when she is soooo angry because there so much to do. Talking doesnt help because besides saying i dont do enough she doesnt wanna sit down and talk...
Do i do enough?? I guys have commented previously and said that yes more than enough...
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what is bugging her? is she angry all the time? what exactly is her problem? that you're working your a$$ off and she has the luxury of being a SAHM, but she's griping. there is something else going on. does she want more sex than you? are you short tempered. whatever it is, she's pissed about something. You can't be having this anger issue go on and unresolved. She either needs to talk with you one on one or in marriage counseling to get to the bottom of her resentment problem. It's not normal.

I'm a WAHM. my husband works very hard. I do everything around the house because I'm home and I can. I don't expect, on the 2 days off during the weekend, that he works hard around the house. He does the outside fix-it stuff.
 

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My H does this same sort of thing sometimes- the kitchen is a constant source of friction. If he sees me cleaning up, he often feels compelled to march in and start putting dishes away loudly, (though he had no interest in cleaning until he saw me in there doing it).

Maybe they are irritated at us for stealing their daily chance at kitchen martyrdom, I don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
My H does this same sort of thing sometimes- the kitchen is a constant source of friction. If he sees me cleaning up, he often feels compelled to march in and start putting dishes away loudly, (though he had no interest in cleaning until he saw me in there doing it).

Maybe they are irritated at us for stealing their daily chance at kitchen martyrdom, I don't know.
I just dont get why, for example, right now we had dinner, she cooked, then we noticed kids needed bath so i did it ... Happy to do it since im out all day! I come down and notice she is living room on the ipad... But dishes arent done... Ok so since i always do them so i did (in my mind she is comfy, was with kids all day, she cooked, so actually, no problem ... I rinsed and popped dishes in washer.
HOWEVER, if the tables were turned and i was downstairs on my ipad...i know for a fact from history from experience she would say something like "can u help w dishes" i wouldnt have gotten a chance to relax...
I dont mean to sound insensitve ... I just dont know: is it THAT tough being SAHM? That you need space at the end of day. What about my needs...i need a mental brk too and jsut dont get how she doesnt see that, worse yet if she does and doesnt care... Doessnt she realize my work outside home is and will benefit us?

Really i dont get... And from this website, i dont really get women and why these sorts of control games are played. I am sure this is about her trying to control me... What is the ultimate goal here???

So frustrated!!!
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I am right there with you H2.. I have come to the conclusion at times that it will only continue as long as we allow it too..

Yes.. Being a stay at home mom is hard work.. And you have no Adult interaction.. I could see that from my ex wife who was a stay at home mom... It does sound like you are trying very hard to be as helpful as you can.. That much is clear.. As a parent you should realized with your kids.. If you allow a behavior to continue with them , nothing ever changes.. Same thing goes with her.. You have to stand up in a nice way and say what is on your mind and how you feel.. She can only control you if you allow it.. And if that is her endgame you are in for some more resentment.. If I were you I would try ti insist that she sit down and talk to you..

ABitMuch is right.. Do the things because you want to them.. You dont give a present because you expect something in return do you?..

Did the thought cross your mind that maybe her cleaning up the kitchen was her way of saying thank you for doing what you have done already??
 

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Would also add some other thoughts because I can't stop thinking how much our situations parrallel..

Is she a SAHM by her choosing? If so, you may want to consider that it is not exactly the enjoyable experience she had hoped.. Maybe she is missing having a career, etc.. etc.. and she has resentment towards you for having life outside the home..
 

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WOW. Your wife mirrors my wife in so many ways. My wife is also a SAHM.

My wife hates for me to do anything around the house unless she asks me to do it and that usually includes instructions on how she wants it done.

If I do the dishes or sweep the floor or anything without her asking it is usually not done "the right way" and she will proceed to tell me how it should have been done.

I can sit next to my wife for hours and she will not say a word but the minute I get busy with something else (computer, book - doesn't matter) she suddenly has something that I need to do for her.

My wife was diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) years ago. In her case it is marked by a deep need to control EVERTHING.

I realized years ago that it is not about me or a lack of respect or love for me, it is just the way she is.

She has gotten better over the years (with medication) but the OCD is still there. Only now I make a joke of it. If she gets a little to controlling I tell her that her OCD is in over-drive today. That usually helps. She now laughs and says "Yeah - I guess it is".

There is no goal or hidden agenda to this for her. It is a manifestation of her problem. We have both learned to live with it. But truthfully, before she was diagnosed and before I understood what the situation was, it drove us to the brink of divorce.
 
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