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Change WILL come, Horizon.

Perhaps as friend, or as foe. But it WILL come.

Having said that, let me also quote: The only thing you can change is yourself. But sometimes, THAT changes everything else.

I confess I also am a victim of self-perpetuated stasis. It's so easy to advise.
 

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Horizon,
Did I miss somewhere that you were not actually married?
Is that something you are just now revealing?

Are you considered common law in your Provence?

Seems I remember discussing her paying some maintenance.

At least / above all, you got off the hamster wheel, Horizon.

Best of luck in moving ahead.
I think this is true and it required Horizon doing some work in IC and facing some hard truths.

I think your are doing well Horizon, keep getting stronger and do the right things so you can regain some of your lost self-esteem.

Lost in your youth, lost in your own cheating, lost in your wife's infidelity.

You are a worthy person, keep working on yourself.

Your partner is a side note now, you know what is important, your health and well being, your kids, and moving on.

I wish you well,
Take care.
 

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Horizon,
Did I miss somewhere that you were not actually married?
Is that something you are just now revealing?

Are you considered common law in your Provence?

Seems I remember discussing her paying some maintenance.



I think this is true and it required Horizon doing some work in IC and facing some hard truths.

I think your are doing well Horizon, keep getting stronger and do the right things so you can regain some of your lost self-esteem.

Lost in your youth, lost in your own cheating, lost in your wife's infidelity.

You are a worthy person, keep working on yourself.

Your partner is a side note now, you know what is important, your health and well being, your kids, and moving on.

I wish you well,
Take care.
Yep, you missed it, he's talked about it all the way through. In his area the phrase is "de facto", so he has some rights and a lawyer will need to be involved.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,690 ·
zugzwang - you can feel the change. You feel better, stronger, a little smarter. You know that the actual break will still smack you hard but you realise that that is the next step. There is no reconciliation, no going back. She feels safer in her addictions. I am the opposite now - I get the safety in wanting to stay behind but I simply can't do it anymore.
 

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Yep, you missed it, he's talked about it all the way through. In his area the phrase is "de facto", so he has some rights and a lawyer will need to be involved.
Is that you honey? You know I tend to forget the details.

Sorry NF having a little deja vu to go with my apparent memory loss. :D
 

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zugzwang - you can feel the change. You feel better, stronger, a little smarter. You know that the actual break will still smack you hard but you realise that that is the next step. There is no reconciliation, no going back. She feels safer in her addictions. I am the opposite now - I get the safety in wanting to stay behind but I simply can't do it anymore.
Good on you Horizon. You sound to me like you are getting there, slowly but surely you are doing it. :)

I really hope you are prepared for the possible eventuality of another affair though.

As you disengage more and more from her, she will more than likely need someone else to provider her with emotional and physical sustenance.
But then again, maybe the whiskey will be enough.

Take good care of you and those kids of yours. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,695 ·
I am going to stay in my house and raise my children - she does her bit as any mother does. Despite her problems she does not ignore her parental responsibilities. I am not going to fork out 150 a week on a bedroom with some stranger. This is my home and yes, I have my creature comforts here - modest as they are, I don't need a lot.

I'm doing my own stuff - I'm still working out, pushing for more hours and obviously a FT job ( you have to understand my FT job options are a little limited - much that comes through is heavy lifting stuff, loading unloading, and I just can't sustain that with the dodgy lower back I have). But I will have a FT job.

Why should I be the one to vacate the premises anyway? Of course not, but she refuses to go as well. So I just do what has to be done. If you call that "staying for the kids" then so be it.

It's probably because I had an abusive upbringing but the last thing I want to do is disrupt their lives - they have their friends, their sport, their schools and yes, their creature comforts. It's a pretty good home - except that Mum and Dad, who are perfectly civil 98% of the time just do not love each other.

There is a sh!t load of stuff out there on whether the kids are better off with the parents staying under the same roof or the regrets people had for not separating sooner in their lives etc etc I get it. But I'm a different person now and my belief is that my children will be OK - the heat is off now. I've grown past the daily resentment and anger.

I don't need her to make me feel better and I don't need to fix her - used to believe that once but that is over now; it was part of the co-dependence. I have learned that lesson. And I have realised she is not going to change and it is not my problem anyway.

There is always a price to pay either way. I'm paying this price. If she wants to hook up with someone I don't give a damn. It doesn't bother me now because I know there is a better person out there for me - someone who is not toxic.

I know why she needs to hook up - it's a pattern she developed way back before my time, I just tuned in to it very late. I wasn't awake to what I participated in.

See, your thinking this is a long winded excuse for being a doormat but it's not. I don't need to know what she is up to now - I'm not her partner, her lover or her bloody parent; I'm not even her housemate. Her sh!t is her sh!t. For now I am here - things change, but I know in my heart this is where I have to be now.

She can't humiliate me T - that's over.
 

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I'm fine with you staying for the kids. I did, too. I'm not fine with your kids watching their mom cheat on their dad. I hope to God you have the fortitude to find a way to put a stop to that. Otherwise, guess what happens, no matter HOW good a dad you are? They will become adults who either cheat or become doormats. Because children become what they observe.
 

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Discussion Starter · #1,699 ·
Hi NF and hello dear friends,

thanks for asking. Life is pretty good. I'm making great progress in counselling and have finally jagged that full-time job. Hell, that took a while. The process involved for older workers to get a job is plainly disgraceful.

I am weaning myself off the anti-depressant Pristiqu for no other reason than I was confident I could do without it. So far so good, though things can get a bit 'funny' - but nothing too outrageous.

I am still living in my home and it has pretty much settled down. My ex WS does her thing and I do mine and we sort the parenting as required. For those wondering, she does not bring anyone here and to my knowledge is not involved with anyone. But "frankly I don't give a damn".

The big thing for her was suddenly losing her brand new job with the big pay packet and OS travel. That was a massive blow to her and she has had to lower her expectations with a less well paid position.

To her credit she has cut right back on her consumption of alcohol and is even supporting my goal to eradicate junk food from the pantry and having it as an occasional treat. The kids aren't impressed but there are alternatives.

So all things considered it could be a hell of a lot worse. Feel free to ask me anything. I trust that you are all well and heading in the right direction.

best wishes Horizon

PS: Forgot to mention - I have had some "contact" with the opposite sex in recent times. Just saying.
 
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