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After awhile

1655 Views 14 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  EnjoliWoman, 
Shooboomafoo
After awhile, I got tired of the dark cloud. Perhaps it wasnt true "healing" completely, or many people's definition of "getting over it", but rather, a defiance against this gloom. After a year of being divorced, and a few more months after that.. I finally can truly recognize a difference in "whats on my mind lately".
Its not the divorce, or missing the marriage, its not anger towards how it all went down, or the after-effects that rubbed salt in the wounds. Its not worry about lonliness or being exiled from that old life... Its no longer bitterness. Ugh... finally...

I find myself more in a frame of mind, that is guarded against being affected by the ex's doings these days. To remove that off of the list of conscious daily ruminatings is so alleviating.
I would not have thought I could reach this point before. I would never have thought I would reach a point that I no longer hated her, but rather, hoped she was alright, and prayed for her security and happiness.

I was so used to worrying about everything that now i find myself uneasy for not having something to worry about.
--good grief---

Reformulating what is important to me, revising the list, cleaning out the file cabinet and doing a fresh mental defragmentation.

The most important thing I had to do yesterday, was to take down all my Halloween decorations, that and make sure I spent quality time with my kid, as it was the last day of my week with her yesterday. I have to mow the lawn this weekend, before I get a letter from the homeowners association. I have a rear brake light out. Auto parts store within walking distance. Bulb is $2.99

I cant wait for people who were feeling like I did right after the divorce, to get to this point, and I had a hard time believing I would ever get there, as I carry things longer, and ruminate, and mull over it beyond its season.

But its there. That point of jumping away from the island of gloom and swimming towards the shores of "MY" own life.
Where issues like the ones above, miniscule and ordinary, are the focus of the day, and I make my own coffee in the morning, and can sit and flip thru the channels of my own t.v. thinking to myself what is it "I" want to do today?

This is "Life" after divorce.

Now, I work towards my own goals. Paying off debt, doing things to make my house better. Painting, caulking, electrical..
Work is going better. I got a raise on Halloween. 6% not bad..
My kid brought home a great report card this past week.

Now I need to find a woman-friend. BOY DO I NEED TO FIND A WOMAN FRIEND!!!!

--how counterintuitive that may sound....
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EnjoliWoman
I don't think that is counter-intuitive. Everyone has social/emotional needs and certainly physical needs. It's not like you want to experience the hurt and dark days again. It's the good parts you'd like to have again. Even in MY marriage there were good days - granted I find it hard to remember them but I'm sure there were decent days.

And even that desire for companionship will run in phases if you are anything like me. I'll be happy, productive, doing stuff with friends and then there will be a special occasion such as a holiday party where I have to RSVP as just one and suddenly my life feels lonely. With Christmas and New Years' Eve coming up and boyfriend just putting us on "hold" I'm already feeling sad. I'll be alone this Christmas as it's Ex's turn and she'll be gone til school resumes in January. I haven't had a date on New Year's Eve in 9 years. (yes, I'm counting) I would love to go to a party but find I'm dreading midnight with no one to kiss. Then spring will come and I'll have pretty days, yard work, pool opening, etc. to fill my days and I'll be fine until it's summer and I see more people out walking holding hands, no one to join at a BBQ or bonfire. Then back to school will have me busy with my daughter and her sports schedule.

Your cycle might not be the same as mine - maybe you'll get restless in the spring "when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love". But they always pass.
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Shoeguy
Shoo,

Congrats on your new mindset. When we first started posting these times seemed like only a pipe dream.

It's a lot better place than the past year and a couple months isn't it? Your thoughts and time frame are almost identicle to mine. If I remember correctly we are about the same time line. I was divorced in April 11.

Our stories are completely different in some aspects, my wife didn't cheat (that I know) and I left the house instead of having to still live with her while the divorce was progressing. But as far as the healing/thinking they are very close.

I used to spend lots of mental energy thinking about every little detail. I progressed and moved on to trying to keep myself busy all the time. Then just the other day I realized that it is nice to just relax and watch some of those shows that I recorded. No one else around. Just me and the TV. I did that two nights in a row. WOW hope I don't get lazy.

I didn't think about what the ex and my kids were doing, or the fact that there were some dirty clothes that could be washed.

My issue now is I find myself figuring out how I would reject the idea of a reconciliation if she ever wanted one. Seems like I'm degressing some but I must think about that once a day. It is wierd. Oh well..it will go away.

Take care,

shoeguy
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Shooboomafoo
hey Shoe!
Glad to hear you are doing good too. That thought crosses my mind also, the idea of "what if" she figures the grass is no greener and wants to R.
My coming to terms with her ending the marriage involved taking her speech about not loving me anymore seriously. That took too much getting over to jump into anything with her again.

Besides, now I have an idea of what I want, having never had it....lol.
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Shoeguy
Good point Shoo,

I seem to use the same point of view except my ex never gave me the "I don't love you anymore". Her point was she wanted something different and didn't know what that was but us wasn't working. Sometimes that makes it hard.

I never fully got closure. I tried to get 15 minutes of her time about 6 months after the divorce to try and get a better picture. After a few lenthgy texts she blew up. The next day she sent and email to my sister and a close friend and stated that she didn't see how a 15 mintue conversation would change anything and that it was a waste of her time and effort. I didn't deserve any of her time. It still gets me spinning sometimes.

Well we each have our hurdles to get past. That one is a big one for me. Glad that you Shoo have conquered some big ones.

Take care my distant friend who walks a path not unlike mine. Safe travels.

Shoeguy
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Shooboomafoo said:
After awhile, I got tired of the dark cloud. Perhaps it wasnt true "healing" completely, or many people's definition of "getting over it", but rather, a defiance against this gloom. After a year of being divorced, and a few more months after that.. I finally can truly recognize a difference in "whats on my mind lately".
Its not the divorce, or missing the marriage, its not anger towards how it all went down, or the after-effects that rubbed salt in the wounds. Its not worry about lonliness or being exiled from that old life... Its no longer bitterness. Ugh... finally...

I find myself more in a frame of mind, that is guarded against being affected by the ex's doings these days. To remove that off of the list of conscious daily ruminatings is so alleviating.
I would not have thought I could reach this point before. I would never have thought I would reach a point that I no longer hated her, but rather, hoped she was alright, and prayed for her security and happiness.

I was so used to worrying about everything that now i find myself uneasy for not having something to worry about.
--good grief---

Reformulating what is important to me, revising the list, cleaning out the file cabinet and doing a fresh mental defragmentation.

The most important thing I had to do yesterday, was to take down all my Halloween decorations, that and make sure I spent quality time with my kid, as it was the last day of my week with her yesterday. I have to mow the lawn this weekend, before I get a letter from the homeowners association. I have a rear brake light out. Auto parts store within walking distance. Bulb is $2.99

I cant wait for people who were feeling like I did right after the divorce, to get to this point, and I had a hard time believing I would ever get there, as I carry things longer, and ruminate, and mull over it beyond its season.

But its there. That point of jumping away from the island of gloom and swimming towards the shores of "MY" own life.
Where issues like the ones above, miniscule and ordinary, are the focus of the day, and I make my own coffee in the morning, and can sit and flip thru the channels of my own t.v. thinking to myself what is it "I" want to do today?

This is "Life" after divorce.

Now, I work towards my own goals. Paying off debt, doing things to make my house better. Painting, caulking, electrical..
Work is going better. I got a raise on Halloween. 6% not bad..
My kid brought home a great report card this past week.

Now I need to find a woman-friend. BOY DO I NEED TO FIND A WOMAN FRIEND!!!!

--how counterintuitive that may sound....
Click to expand...
I like this post:) It's awesome how you've laid every thing out like this.And the home work is such a pain in the a$$,rewarding experience:D
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D
Shoeguy said:
Good point Shoo,

I seem to use the same point of view except my ex never gave me the "I don't love you anymore". Her point was she wanted something different and didn't know what that was but us wasn't working. Sometimes that makes it hard.

I never fully got closure. I tried to get 15 minutes of her time about 6 months after the divorce to try and get a better picture. After a few lenthgy texts she blew up. The next day she sent and email to my sister and a close friend and stated that she didn't see how a 15 mintue conversation would change anything and that it was a waste of her time and effort. I didn't deserve any of her time. It still gets me spinning sometimes.

Well we each have our hurdles to get past. That one is a big one for me. Glad that you Shoo have conquered some big ones.

Take care my distant friend who walks a path not unlike mine. Safe travels.

Shoeguy
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Don't despair my friend, I can totally get 15 minutes of my ex's time and guess what...it will be the longest waste of time ever....there are no answers.
Just a weird look on a face that I used to love, a friend of 25 years and a lover for 23. She is like an alien to me now. Strange and speaking a different language. There is no sense, no closure to be gleaned, I have accepted that woman are a different species, and as for the one I was married to is concerned (not all woman fall into this category), she will never evolve. I pity her. I hope the next companion she finds is more capable than me at speaking whatever it is she speaks and understanding her flawed logic.

Learn what you can from the past, but move on when you can. Sounds like you are there already, congrats!

I too remember the list of chores, the $3.49 pack of light bulbs, doing what I want...when I want...new TV shows.... Every since that day I have been free, the only ties I have to the pain of the past are of my own making. I just gave up making those ties, too much effort for no gain.
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Shoeguy
I guess another way to look at it is that closure just might be gained by moving on. The door may not be totally shut but if you are miles away from it you can't tell it is open anymore.

I have moved on but sometimes I stop and turn around and shake my head. But they are fleeting thoughts and I turn back around and try to keep walking. Sure is getting esaier.

I did ask the girls last night how they were doing in regards to living in two places. They both said they were comfortable and everything was going alright. The only comment I wasn't expecting was from my 14 yr old and she said it is just a little strange going from such a big house to a much smaller one. I kind of laughed and said I know what you mean but this one is much easier to take care of.

So since the kids are moving along as well as myself at least there is some right in the world.

Hope all is well.

Shoeguy
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Catherine602
I am so happy for you Shoo.

Your approach to recovery is very level headed. I wondered when your plans would get around to dating. I think you are right, it is time.

May I offer some advice for you to consider? Remember to date many women before devoting any time to just one. Don't listen to their words but their actions and approach to life. Has she had goals that have been successfully executed, is she financially stable, is she looking for a man to fix her?

Do you think you have a tendency to attract women looking for a fix since you are a problem solver? If so, I think it may be very difficult for you to change this tendency. But you must or you will end up with a self-centered woman.

Find a woman who wants to give as much as she gets. It will take time to recognize this type of woman, that's why you have to date lots to educate your detectors.
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Shooboomafoo
Oh Catherine,,, you are so right.

Im full-on "fix it" guy, and can get myself in deep water if I am not careful. For that reason, and avoidance of it, I find myself not too eager to "look" for someone to date. The physical aspect of it all, is powerfully encouraging, however something is telling me that I am not finished getting to where I need to be "esteem-wise" as well as having had enough time to myself, being selfish, thinking of my own wants and needs. I guess to some extent, I am practicing healthy self-centeredness? lol.

After 16yrs with the same woman, I need the time to care about me, even if that is simply getting to enjoy "not" having a thousand things to do every moment of every day to pacify someone else. I guess I got tired of dumping everything I had to give, was, etc. out the window.. That took a lot out of me, trying to uphold that "idea".

For now,,, just going with the flow.. much less complicated now.. coffee on Saturday mornings is better knowing I dont have a hundred things expected of me..
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Catherine602
Sounds like a little fear holding you back maybe? You will meet women who want more than you are willing to give to them on your path to finding someone special.

That is a given and no reflection on you. How will you hone your skills and recognize these women and extricate yourself if you don't practice?

The first few times you experience this, you will feel guilty cutting things off. You can use the support of this site and friends to help you deal with this harmful emotion.

I think after a while, you will desensitize your feelings and accept that you deserve a mutually satisfying relationship.

As for sexual needs be honest about the fact that you are exploring. I think you will find that there are many divorced women who are exploring too.
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ing
Hi All.

Since I am on a similar timeline I thought i would chime in.

It has been a tough couple of weeks for me. The ExW has left her boyfriend in the hope of recovering her marriage. This is after I Divorced her a few months ago. Sad really.

I think what caused it was me being able to easily converse with her, to send some time in the same place and we even had dinner out together. How could I do this you may ask, well, I'll tell you:p

I have been seeing a psych in a very practical way. Dealing with issues to do with a 16 year old daughter who lives full time with me is not easy. Especially since she has been blanking her Mother and has all sorts of other issues. [16]

That aside. I am dealing with Anxiety brought on by the affair and breakup. In a session he sneaked in this one.

" How about when you next meet her you remove the armor, you adopt open body language and relax. Work with me on this one.."

This seemed so counter-intuitive that it just may work. I have advanced TAM counter-intuition training. Worth a shot.

The effect on me was amazing. A bit like having had a wound that was wrapped under a bandage, removing it, and finding it healed. Miraculous almost.

The first time I had a coffee with her, while I waited for some kid thing. I talked about the weather, pleasantries . Not revealing anything about my life really. Just the top ten highlights. We talked about the kids. I laughed and then I left. My friend? Most certainly not.
But she can no longer get to me because what she sees is that there is nothing left to get to.

In hindsight on all the meetings since the new plan I can see that she was saying almost exactly the same things that she has been saying for all the time since she went alien.

I got the "apology" a couple of days ago. It looked really familiar and then I realised that it sounded almost exactly like
this.
I almost sent her the link. I didn't though. I just has a chuckle to myself. Which I suppose is the point, isn't it?
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EnjoliWoman
Catherine602 said:
That is a given and no reflection on you. How will you hone your skills and recognize these women and extricate yourself if you don't practice?

The first few times you experience this, you will feel guilty cutting things off. You can use the support of this site and friends to help you deal with this harmful emotion.

I think after a while, you will desensitize your feelings and accept that you deserve a mutually satisfying relationship.
Click to expand...
This is hurtful to hear but necessary. It sounds predictive of the soon-to-be divorced guy who said he needed to put "us" on hold until he fixed himself.

I can totally see he would be the type to keep me around due to guilt. He even said I would have to be the one to break it off for good. *sigh*

I'm wondering if he will come to the conclusion that he deserves a mutually satisfying relationship and that it's not with me... how far down the road this happens. :( Damn.
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Catherine602
EnjoliWoman said:
This is hurtful to hear but necessary. It sounds predictive of the soon-to-be divorced guy who said he needed to put "us" on hold until he fixed himself.

I can totally see he would be the type to keep me around due to guilt. He even said I would have to be the one to break it off for good. *sigh*

I'm wondering if he will come to the conclusion that he deserves a mutually satisfying relationship and that it's not with me... how far down the road this happens. :( Damn.
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Enjoli I am sorry that what I said caused you pain. Taking it from the woman point of view, my advice may seem insensitive. But I think my advice to Shoo has another side for women.

Realize that anyone getting out of a marriage is probably in no state for a committed relationship. I think it is important to be honest about the state of mind.

Your guy sounds honest although he seems to be leaving the door open. What he is doing is telling you he cannot offer you more but if you want to hurt yourself by giving him something for nothing then its on you.

If you are looking for LTR, you are taking a big risk if your get involved with a newly divorced person of either gender.

I don't know your story but I would say - make a surgical cut of the relationship with this guy. You are destined to waste time waiting for him. He is being honest so take him at his word and don't be pulled back no matter what he says.
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EnjoliWoman
Catherine602 said:
Enjoli I am sorry that what I said caused you pain. Taking it from the woman point of view, my advice may seem insensitive. But I think my advice to Shoo has another side for women.

Realize that anyone getting out of a marriage is probably in no state for a committed relationship. I think it is important to be honest about the state of mind.

Your guy sounds honest although he seems to be leaving the door open. What he is doing is telling you he cannot offer you more but if you want to hurt yourself by giving him something for nothing then its on you.

If you are looking for LTR, you are taking a big risk if your get involved with a newly divorced person of either gender.

I don't know your story but I would say - make a surgical cut of the relationship with this guy. You are destined to waste time waiting for him. He is being honest so take him at his word and don't be pulled back no matter what he says.
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It's weighing heavily on my mind but I needed to hear that. I think we're perfect for each other and fell for him even with my "no dating separated men!" rule because I broke the rule.

Now I'm the one who needs some time before I'm ready to move on so I'm leaving the door cracked to see if we both end up ready at the same time or not. But meanwhile we aren't dating each other or anyone else. We are keeping in touch. I told him I don't want a friend so if it turns to that, it will just slowly fizzle.

But it hurts to realize he could very well just "settle" for me out of guilt and years down the road be unhappy with the relationship but I can see he'd bet he type to just stick it out. That would deprive both of us of what we deserve.

I've never had someone completely and utterly in love with me. I love him that way and it's the first time I have felt like that. It sucks we don't both feel that way but he's not sure that he won't - just needs time. Just sad over all. You didn't cause the pain - I did/he did/life and circumstances did. *shrug*
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