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after 30 years of marriage can a man dumb as hell towards his wife by what he says

1895 Views 6 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  Henri
my wife and i are in a "rekindling" phase in our marriage of 30 years due to past issues from me. example- not being there for her as i should have been .i love this woman dearly and overtime i was too stupid to realize that she was falling further away from me and our relationship.she had decided herself to leave but she never left the home ,it was that question or comment is-last night i tried to start our intimacy again it went very well to a point lets say we were like at a solid 2nd base .so just when i thought third base was well insight she said to me that she didnt want to have sex as -admittedly- we used sex as a cure for problems throughout our relationship. so i understood and respected her wishes.but i guess being an aroused guy i tried sweet talking her-it was working-BUT then i said something i dont know if i was jokng or what. this is what i said. i dont just want to have sex with you that i wanted to make love to you but if u just want to have sex thats ok too. she was hurt by this statement .was i wrong with this? looking for some comments
ps i meant it as a joke
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i'm not sure what is wrong with what you said. doesn't sound bad to me. sounds like you told her you'd prefer to make love, but if she wants just sex, that is fine too. sounds like you wanted to do whatever she wanted.

there must be more to it. maybe, whatever the case, it doesn't matter. sometimes even if you're right, or justified, you just have to suck it up that you did or said something wrong, and go for the peace vs. the righteousness.

Maybe try again tonight and be totally romantic about it? Ask her out on a date?
The thing that bothers me about this, as it has happened to me too many times to think about is the fact that she led him on, as if there was a chance of scoring, then after advancing toward third base, she quits playing the game. Nobody likes a quitter when the ball is already in play. Why allow excitement to build that will only lead to disappointment?
I'm would think she knew his intentions from the start, but he didn't necessarily know hers.
My view is that she wanted to make love as an act of intimacy. When the joke mentioned sex it snubbed the flame. She was working on itimacy and the joke made it sound like Bob might be just after getting "his oats" in either case.

From the sound of the OP it was a delicate emotional situation with 30 years of history for her at stake (and for you too Bob of course), perhaps not a time for jokes but signs of affection and care. If there was going to be sex she might have been ready for it, but perahps she wanted it to happen naturally rather than be given a choice like in a fast food menu. (joking :) ).
Yes you can fix this. Both will need to change, so that you can become lovers again, meeting each other's needs. But the change will most likely have to start from unilateral action. Here is a list of books that can help you. Often times I find that one good self-help book is worth hour, months, even years of counseling. So here goes.

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again, Michele Weiner Davis - great for communication, and for taking responsibility and action to improve your quality of life.

Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, Laurie Puhn. - Ways to tackle problems in a common sense way, and open direct, honest communication in areas of conflict.

Fight Less, Love More

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, John Gottman. - Ideas and activities to go through to understand each other more and strengthen your bond together.

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone - a recipe for reconnecting emotionally and physically.

“His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”, Dr. Harley… good guides for how to meet each other needs and rebuild a to a passionate marriage.
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I don't think it was a joke, I think you were being "honest". I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you said....It is things like this that make guys throw up their hands and yell "WOMEN"

I think she was in a "no pleasing her" mood, and nothing would have ebded well for you...
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I agree with your first point Woodchuck. I don't think it was a joke, from what I read I think Bob was speaking up on his feeling of uncertainty. If there wasn't room for doubt, then there wouldn't have been any need to have raised it as Bob did. I therefore think Bob was being "honest" as you point out. :)
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