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First of all I’ll start by saying this is going to be relatively long, but after 3 years, I just don’t know what else to do, where else to turn. I'll admit I am the other woman, and I know that won't win me any friends on here. But I am hoping to hear from anyone who may have been in a simlar situation and how they coped.


It all started when I was 19. I left uni and got this great job. It was well paying and something I was really excited about doing. My current boyfriend (we lived together) at the time was very abusive and for that reason, I spent all the time I could at work or with my family. I never went home if I didn’t have to. After about 2 months at my new job, I started to fall for a workmate. I’m one of those people who falls hard and fast. I knew he was married with a child and so intended to keep my feelings to myself and just continue a good friendship with him and admire him from afar. But I found myself swapping into certain shifts so I would run into him. One afternoon when we were hanging out after work, he says to me: ”would you like to be more than friends?” Without thinking I said “YES!!” because I was so into him. He had previously told me that he had not had sex with his wife in 12 months, the last time being on their wedding night. I figured there must be an issue with his marriage, and he was intending to divorce his wife. I guess it was bad judgement that skewed my common sense and told me that accepting his offer was ok. I know that’s not necessarily the case, but I figured it was him who initiated things with me, and he was the one who was hitched. As a 19 year old, you don’t have much life experience and you don’t understand marriage. I shouldn’t carry all the blame, but trust me, for a long time, I have copped ALL the blame.

So we proceeded to have our affair. It was hot, it was passionate and it was filled with so much love, It was not like anything I had ever experienced before. Someone who genuinely cared about me, just wanted to see me and spend time with me. It was magic. For 2 months all we did was message each other constantly when we couldn’t be together, sappy love notes and telling each other how we couldn’t wait to move in together. He didn’t tell his wife right away, why, I’m not sure. Maybe it was to prevent the inevitable backlash. Maybe it was for the sake of their son. He got to the point that he didn’t care if his wife found out about us, as all he wanted was me. He introduced me to his son, we would sometimes watch movies together or go for a drive somewhere. It was eventually his son who mentioned my name to his wife. That’s how she found out. And understandably, she went nuts. She told him she wanted a divorce, told him to pack his stuff and go. Of course we didn’t care, he was free to see me as he pleased and we didn’t have to hide from anyone anymore. So we rented a house and moved in together. We lived together for about 4 months, 4 turbulent months. It started off great, we had nothing, but didn’t want anything. We only wanted each other. I knew I loved him, but I didn’t realise just how deep that love had grown inside me.

What I didn’t realise at the time was how f*cked up my head was from the abusive relationship with my ex. My ex would bash me, then tell me he loved me. I genuinely thought that if someone fought with me, they were showing me that they loved me. Of course, this transferred over into my new relationship/affair and I can only imagine I became the girlfriend from hell. I would start fights about god knows what, because I wanted the new guy to show me that he loved me. It wasn’t the ring or the bracelet or the time spent together that gave me the hint that he loved me, it was only when we fought did I think he was showing it. I was so wrong. And it tore us apart as you’d expect. I could feel and see him getting tired of my ways, to the point where I was on the ground, begging him to stay with me. I would grab onto his shirt, and not let go until it ripped right off him, just to keep him inside the house. The last thing I wanted was him to leave me, to go back to his wife. I loved him, more than I had ever loved anyone or anything.

I still don’t know why exactly he left me, but I gather it was a combination of me being a nutball, and the pressure from his wife saying “I’m going to get a divorce and get full custody of our son and you’ll never see him again”. I never expected to be the only importance in his life, I knew I could never stack up to a child, but I did want to be up there somewhere. In the end, he left and went back to his wife, citing to me that he was only going back for the benefit of his son, and that he did not love his wife. I remember him telling me that maybe when his son didn’t need him anymore, when he was older, maybe......

So after 6 months together, he went back home and left me in a huge, empty house. I didn’t know what to do. My stomach dragged around on the ground everywhere I went. I cried all day, cried all night. I remember lying in bed some nights, crying, but there were no tears. I had literally cried so much that there were no tears left to weep out. I didn’t even realise that could happen. I knew I had loved him, but I had no idea just how much. I guess it’s true, you don’t know what you have till it’s gone. I found going to work hard because I would run into him occasionally. I didn’t know whether to play the “Oh yeah, I’m doing fine, how are you?” card to look strong and confident and hopefully make him realise what he was missing, or whether to play the “I love you so much, can’t we please try and work it out”? Card to let him know I still really cared. When I didn’t run into him, I found myself looking at his roster to find what shifts he was on so I could purposely run into him. I wanted to be so in his face, in his world. I didn’t want him to forget me. I fell into such a deep, dark depression that my whole persona changed. I hated the person I had become. I had some of the darkest thoughts during those days. Thoughts that would scare children and adults alike. I felt like this black cloud hung over me constantly, just threatening to rain on me every second of the day. I would tell myself “If these feelings don’t go away in 2 months, I’m going fix it for good ”. (if you know what I mean...) But I never got the courage to. I would think about it constantly, think how I’d be happier just not being here, not feeling how I did. Every day was a struggle to get up. I would wake up and not open the curtains. I didn’t want to see a sunny bright world. There was no sun in mine. I started to hear from him less and less, he didn’t call in to check on how I was anymore, he wouldn’t read the letters I wrote him and he never called or text. I guess in reality he might not have been able to being back home with his wife, but even still, I told myself, if he had wanted to, he would have found a way like he had before.

I didn’t know what to do to get my mind off him. I tried everything. I tried calling in sick at work so I could stay in bed and cry all day, watching sappy love movies. It didn’t work. I tried drawing and creating art to express my dark moods and the pain in my heart. It didn’t work. I tried volunteering my time at animal shelters and community organisations to keep busy and keep my mind off him, but it didn’t work. I tried talking to some of his friend, who knew how in love we had been, but it didn’t work. They sympathised with me but admitted there was nothing they could do. I have tried climbing hills and mountains, overlooking some of the most beautiful landscape and screaming at the top of my lungs, falling to the ground in a heap and crying like I needed to expel tears to breathe. But no, nothing works. I still thought about him all day every day. What he was doing, who he was doing it with, when would I hear from him again if ever? Did he still feel the same way about me? Why and how could he stop caring, just like that? When would I get over him and feel normal again?

Recently I found out that him and his wife and son went on a holiday overseas. Now it may be selfish of me, but a piece of me literally died inside when I heard that. After all this time thinking one day I might be in with a chance with him again, it looked like they has reconciled and were trying to make their marriage work. Even though I had no right, no say, It felt like he was betraying me. All of a sudden I had thought that maybe he wasn’t just there for his son anymore, maybe he actually wanted the marriage to work out? Maybe it was working out. Nowdays, when I see him and ask how he is going, the answer is always “Yeah, good”. Not the “Oh you know, the same, nothing ever changes”. That I used to get.

I’m now about to turn 23 and I had no idea that 3 years later I would still be in the same place, still feeling the same intense feelings. I see him occasionally but I never get the feeling or vibe that he is interested in me anymore. I try telling myself that he is just keeping distance for his sons sake, but deep down I wonder, maybe he really doesn’t feel anything for me anymore... There has not been one day that has gone by in the last 3 years that I have not thought about him multiple times. He consumes my thoughts. I have dated 4 or so other people since him and I just can’t give myself to them completely. Even though this guy doesn’t want it, he still has such a huge piece of my heart that I just can’t give to anyone else. I don’t want to feel like this still, I’m sick of hurting and spontaneously bawling into tears but I just don’t know what to do. People say "Oh your only young, you'll find the right one!" But he WAS the right one. He was the ONLY one.

They say time heals all wounds, but seriously, how much time can I possibly need?!
 

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Well, I have no real sympathy for your situation. You got involved with a man who was involved with his wife....No matter what he said which could of been and most likely was a bundle of lies.

If your whole relationship is based on a a lie how real was it to begin with?

Other thing is I think the whole "soul mate" or "where is only one" thought process is a bit far fetched. If you believe there is no one else you wont live looking for anyone else.

Why not go to counseling for yourself? Work to strengthen and better yourself so when you do find someone you bring a better you to the relationship.
 

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Wow this is quite a diferent perspective. I agree with IdontKnownow. You need to find counseling. Its obviouse that havent made smart decisions when picking the men in your life. I'm certain its because of some other, more seriouse, underlaying issues.

Were you abused as a child? Have you dated any other guys after "the one"?
 

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Never mind the affair-get thee to a therapist!
 

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I think what you may be feeling is guilt not love. You are accustomed to abuse so you abusing yourself since no one else is around to do it. This man is not worth your love and devotion, he is a deceptive cheater who abandoned his wife and child for a few months of fun with you. No matter what you did, he would eventually have gone back to his wife. The time with you was just like a fun vacation from the marriage for him. You actually helped stabilize his marriage and save the break up of his family.

You made a mistake, you were very young and as such, vulnerable and he probably took advantage of that. An older more mature woman would have said no.

So now how to get out of the vicious cycle. First of all, recognize the kind of person this man was by looking at what he did to his wife and child and to a vulnerable girl. He does not paint a noble picture of a good man. Would you want such a man as a husband? Just imagine being abandoned for a 19 yo teen when you are married with a child.

As an exercise, write a letter to his wife and child apologizing for the pain you have caused -DON'T SEND IT - do it to get rid of your demons. Then burn it and release yourself and move ahead vowing never to be taken in again.

The acceptance and expectation of abuse is problematic, as you know. Cognitive therapy and self knowledge works very well. Start reading about your problem it will open your eyes and start you on the road to healthier relationships.

I will also repeat the refrain that others have said, you have youth on your side. Did you know that you are changing and your brain is still growing and maturing at this time more than an adult brain? Use the momentum of your young mind to change. Go back to school, change jobs, do something bold and daring to change your path.

You sound like an insightful young woman use it to your advantage. The good thing is, you dug the hole you are in and you can climb out any time you want. I wish you the very best. :bunny:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Were you abused as a child?
I wasn't abused as a child, but the mental and physical abuse for 4 consecutve years as a teenager by my partner at the time is what I blame a lot of my problems on today. He destroyed my trust, my better judgement and my ability to believe in myself.

Have you dated any other guys after "the one"?
I have dated several other men, but it just hasn't been the same. I blame that mostly on myself. I find trusting them difficult, and they find my personality flucuates. A combination of my 2 past (failed) relationships. My current partner is very supportive and has been willing to listen to my dramas mentioned above. But I don't expect him to understand or accept that there are still underlying feelings for a man who clearly doesn't deserve them.

You made a mistake, you were very young and as such, vulnerable and he probably took advantage of that. An older more mature woman would have said no.

So now how to get out of the vicious cycle. First of all, recognize the kind of person this man was by looking at what he did to his wife and child and to a vulnerable girl. He does not paint a noble picture of a good man. Would you want such a man as a husband? Just imagine being abandoned for a 19 yo teen when you are married with a child.
I fully understand what you're saying. He was twice my age, his wife was more than twice my age. She may have her own insecurities, but the age difference would be enough on its own. But as you say, it has no doubt made their relationship stronger. He certainly is not the person I first thought he was when I first met him.

As an exercise, write a letter to his wife and child apologizing for the pain you have caused -DON'T SEND IT - do it to get rid of your demons. Then burn it and release yourself and move ahead vowing never to be taken in again.
I will try that, I will try anything at this point :)

I wish you the very best. :bunny:
Thank you very much for your insightful help.
 

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When I was 15 yo i was seduced by an older man, a coach. I was so mush in love. I have a difficult time even telling this story. When I think of it I still get enraged and wish there was some way to get revenge but, I digress.

I got over it to trust again. I vowed never to be that vulnerable again and I worked hard to make that happen. With few exceptions, my experiences with men were very positive after that, I was never sexually active with them when I dated and they respected me and considered me "marriage material".

I was able to trust because I refused to let such a person win and by being happy and being married to a good supportive man is the best way to thumb my nose at such scum. I married a much better man than a subhuman who knew the potential for destroying my life.

If I can do it, you can do it too. The trick is to realize that the person who did this is not good and took advantage of you naivety and trust as a young inexperienced teen. The best way to get yourself back is to have a successful relationship. Send him an invite to your wedding and pictures of your first child. Tell him you are glad your husband is nothing like him now that you realize how pathetic he is and that you feel pity for him.

I believe in karma. Not in a punishing way but, I think when we do things it effects the way we view ourselves. People seem to get away with wrong deeds but in the end, life throws them a curve ball and that makes them think. Bad things happen to good and bad people but I think bad people take it as retribution and are not able to call upon the solace other people and the faith and strength of a person who has disciplined themselves to be decent to their fellow man.

It is likely that this man makes a habit of taking advantage of people so he does not have true loving relationships because he is always trying to get what does not belong to him. He walked away from the gifts of a loving wife and a beautiful vulnerable child all for a bit of fun.

He thinks he dodged the bullet and got what he wanted and still has what he needs. That old wheel of life, it will role around again and when it does ... You take your good fortune with both hands you deserve it.
 

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Ok. He might have fallen in love but mostly lust with you, and enjoyed some hot sex with you.
Then he found out you're actually a crazy controlling freak who would cry like hell, begging him, tearing off his shirt. He had enough with you. Yes, sex was great but you're impossible to get along with.
Lacking sex with his wife was the problem in his marriage. It's enough his wife showed him how sexy she is with some love and willing to take off her panties, you know, he would agree to crawl back to his wife.
Of course, in the beginning, he wasn't sure about his wife, so he told you it's for his son.
Well, you know. after the wife gave him some good fk, right, they're very happy together now.
As for you, once again, sex was great. That's all.
It's not love. He cared for you because of lust.
You think he loved you?
If he loved you, he should have married you, instead. The fact is, he loves his wife, so you're dumped, but you still miss him for 3 years and still crying in the dreams.
Time to wake up!
Pls respect yourself.
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Ok. He might have fallen in love but mostly lust with you, and enjoyed some hot sex with you.
Then he found out you're actually a crazy controlling freak who would cry like hell, begging him, tearing off his shirt. He had enough with you. Yes, sex was great but you're impossible to get along with.
Lacking sex with his wife was the problem in his marriage. It's enough his wife showed him how sexy she is with some love and willing to take off her panties, you know, he would agree to crawl back to his wife.
Of course, in the beginning, he wasn't sure about his wife, so he told you it's for his son.
Well, you know. after the wife gave him some good fk, right, they're very happy together now.
As for you, once again, sex was great. That's all.
It's not love. He cared for you because of lust.
You think he loved you?
If he loved you, he should have married you, instead. The fact is, he loves his wife, so you're dumped, but you still miss him for 3 years and still crying in the dreams.
Time to wake up!
Pls respect yourself.
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Well this will definitely help NOT. This is as speculative as my post but my guest is closer to the what really happened i'll bet. He was deceptive, selfish exploitative and predatory. You think such loves or is loved by his wife? You believe in fairytales then. Probably not and a wife who has problems having sex with her husband for a year is not going to reward him with hot sex after what he has done, nor is she likely to have sex that takes too much of her time and effort and passion. He ain't gettin' any hot sex just subsistence basic unsatisfactory sex. He probably dreaming of the 19 yo old girl he took advantage of, in frustration. He will never have that again.

She is actually very lucky she did the crazy thing with him and sent him packing.

She avoided being in a relationship with a marginal man twice her age. The age thing would have become a big problem after the honeymoon period and she matured and realized what she gave up her youth for. When she is 30 he 50 and on a decline. She on the other hand, will just be coming into her own. Hardly a time to be stuck with an aging deceptive man. By that time she would be resenting him for being too old for her. Many women married to men with age gap who plucked them up before they could evaluate what they give up come to regret their fate. she would be in a relationship that was out of phase with her stages in life and she would probably end up taking care of an old man when she is 45 or 50 with a 65 and 70 old sick man. Yuck.

Count your blessing OP, you will realize you are lucky with a little more time and perspective.
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I can tell you that I know how you feel. I was abused physically and emotionally for years. I was 18 when I "thougght" I had met the man of my dreams. He took charge, came from a really great family,took me to places I had never been. I was totally in heaven. We dated for eight months. I then went on to college about two hours away. He promised he would see me every weekend. The first month was great and then the lies started. He started making me feel guilty if I went out and enjoyed college life, and he was at home partying away. All my friends saw it but I couldn't,he was the man of my dreams. One day he broke up with me because he told me it was the best thing for me.WHAT? I was devastated. I cried,missed class/work,went into depression. He would call to 'check' on me. I would call just to hear his voice on his answering machine. I took cold medicine just to go to sleep from the pain. I returned home from my first year at college and he started calling again. I thought he really cared but he never came to see me. Then one night he called and was really chatty and he informed me he was getting married! The week before he was telling me all about a piece of land he was looking at to build our home? I was beyond myself. I forced myself to go back to a local community college and worked forever. I thought I would kill myself between work and school. I started dating and got very serious with another guy.

I still held back my feelings. He proposed and I said yes. Why not,I knew I could not have my man again. As soon as my dream man found out I was engaged,he was enraged. He all the sudden called and took me for dinner. He broke off his engagement. We went out a few times, I never told my fiance. I started seeing my dream man in a different light. He was controlling,he lied,he made me self concious,stopped buying me gifts,but told me what HE liked.

A lot of things happened between all this but I still had feelings for him on my wedding day. Not love,but I couldn't get him out of my head. Once I married, he never contacted me again. Over the years I realized that this really was never love. It was the idea of him that was love not him. This did not happen over night.

It took me a long time because I had been abused and I had a hard time realizing what was best for me. I hope my story helps you because I know how you feel. The saying time heals all wounds is really true. Keep focusing on you. Go to counseling,keep volunteering,go get some new outfits, get a new hair style and do it for you! Find out who you are and when someone special comes along,you will be healed and can have a loving and good relationship!

I know you had the affair,that was wrong but you were 19 and you learned from your mistakes.move on and focus on YOU. Good luck.
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