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We have been a couple for 23 years and married for 20. We now have 2 beautiful and healthy Teenagers. Pretty normal sex life to start, you know making babies. Very normal loving family home life. Wife had no interest in any Oral Sex till I asked 10 years ago while on vacation on an incredibly romantic island. Her response was "I'd do it if you really want me to". Bad Sign. Very little interest still. Over the years I have tried to interest her in toys, games, oils and lubes all again to little or no interest. Porn would be a horror for her. In the last few years, very few orgasms on her part, always in the missionary position, maybe her on top a couple of times per year. After sex, she is completely exhausted, even without having an orgasm. She does not even fake it. More and more its just a HJ as she has no energy or passion. Sometimes Oral on her, but rare. The other night, a complete disaster when I tried to play out a fantasy with her during a HJ (intercourse was out of the question) and she angrily got up and said "this does not turn me on at all" and she got up and got dressed and went to sleep, leaving me stunned. She has plainly told me that she has no interest in sex at this time in her life, and that even if I want her to enjoy it, she says can't. What is strange is that she knows how much love and passion I have her, yet there is nothing reciprocating. I should have picked up the signs over the years that sex is not something she enjoys, and not bought and then thrown out all the romantic toys. Sex is now once a week or less. Last month, trying to be open, I asked her if she masturbated if I am away for a night or two, and she said sometimes, but I know she is lying, as we are together almost constantly, and she has no toys or lubes what so ever. The Hitachi Magic Wand if got her for XMASS, thrown out years ago. I should have asked that question at the start, as it turns out she is not a sensual being at all, very beautiful, but now cold. Maybe she has fallen out of love with me, and can't tell me. The thing is I am in terrific shape and a great lover. I feel great love and compassion for all, and I want to share that with her. Nothing back at all. I think our marriage is close to dead as there is no spiritual or emotional connection at all. I think I have been a terrific husband and don't deserve to now be locked in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. She could care less about my needs, and its not just about sex. She has no interest in me at all. Maybe the kids burned her out. Maybe depression. Maybe 23 years is to long. Surely Menopause is involved as she is close to 50. She could have a great lover for the rest of her life but is to narcissistic to see that. I have never been more depressed about having so much love to give and its just going to an empty soul. At this point, I really don't want to be intimate at all with her. It will never be the same. Maybe thats what she wants. I think I will stick it out for the next 5 years till the kids are in college and then either she cares for me with some passion or I am gone. How sad. Thanks for listening.
 

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So many stories as yours ...you are not alone.

Is your wife resentful for anything from your hand over the years? Unfullfilled desires, dreams, wounds not talked about , forgiven, healed..... Have you satisfied her love languages ?

Or possibly slipped into "Nice Guy" mode and she has slowly grown "apathetic"?

Resentment can cause a divide like a grand canyon & destroy one's emotional vulnerability with the other...which also steals their joy, excitement and ....passion.

I feel desiring intimacy/sex is mostly between the ears/ our attitude ~ if one has enough hormones running through their bodies.. getting to the roots of her discontent, the depression...also your manning up (book above)- for yourself... ..... these things are a good start....for trying to salvage what can be salvaged.
 

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Wow there are so many mismatches, have you told her that you don't want to stray, but can't go on like this. Lay it out on the line so that she is clear about you being very unhappy. If she is LD she doesn't care about having a great lover, she doesn't feel the urge, and that may just be hormonal and not her fault.
 

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Another of those clear cases where she "knows" you won't leave or stray, so she has no incentive at all to change. She needs her cage rattled but it doesn't sound like you've got the will or the stones to do it. I'll bet if you started going out on Friday and Saturday nights, and occasionally spending the night in a hotel and returning the next morning as if nothing was wrong that she'd start making an effort pretty quickly.
 

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Wow, thanks for the replies. I don't want to stray, but I can't go on like this. Sex with my wife is now completely hollow. I dread sleeping near her now. What do I do if she wants sex? She has no clue how deeply she has hurt my feelings.

When I described my situation to a close Female Friend, she said "don't you have a lover on the side". That really woke me up. I felt like there is hope, that I can have a lover again, someone who has passion and empathy.

However, I would not take another lover as I know it would crush her despite her selfishness. I must wait till my teen is in college. Thankfully, I will still be in my early 50's with so much to offer the right lover. Thanks for listening.
 

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Married,
You want to be a stand up guy? This is your shot.

You sit your wife down and gently take her through a revised financial plan. In a low-key and non-threatening manner you explain that when your youngest leaves the house you plan to do the same and you want to create a plan that leaves you both in a good situation.

Wow, thanks for the replies. I don't want to stray, but I can't go on like this. Sex with my wife is now completely hollow. I dread sleeping near her now. What do I do if she wants sex? She has no clue how deeply she has hurt my feelings.

When I described my situation to a close Female Friend, she said "don't you have a lover on the side". That really woke me up. I felt like there is hope, that I can have a lover again, someone who has passion and empathy.

However, I would not take another lover as I know it would crush her despite her selfishness. I must wait till my teen is in college. Thankfully, I will still be in my early 50's with so much to offer the right lover. Thanks for listening.
 

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Wow, don't give up like this! You must have had great love for each other to build this family. If you got sick tomorrow, it would be her sitting by your bedside. Talk to her, then talk some more. The surest way to ending your marriage is to bottle it up, fester with resentment and end up 'married singles'. People who are married in name only. Ask her to seek MC with you. Ask her if she is depressed. Divorce is a harrowing event in a person's life.
 

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Honestly OP...being there myself with a wife not into sex but much worse than your once a week.

You probably freaked her out over all the sex stuff. She sees you as nothing more than a sex fiend and a deviant.

Think about it fom her perspective and how you handled it. She really never was much into it but you kept hammering her for it (Trying to FIX her) buying lubes vibrators list goes on an on. You made her hate sex and finds your weekly stuff a CHORE. Probably disgusting.
Even HJ's are the most she'll do because they are the LEAST sexual way to get you off so you leave her the freak alone.

If you would have taken a half a second to look at things from her perspective and temper some of your fantasies you and her would probably have a decent sex life she would actually enjoy like before. Problem is you caused this an women don't forget.

You have a TON of damage to undo. If you want that wild sex life it won't be with her and its going to be a LONG time before she even considers WANTING instead of ACCEPTING a sex life with you again. YOU are just another chore on her list. Nothing is there for her. She only does it because she doesn't want to divorce because you provide safety and security for her. She accepts your life but is probably not very happy at all.

Might as well divorce if you are unwilling to look at this from her perspective and own up to the fact you pushed her over the edge years ago. Forget BJ's she only does those when she wants to.

Sorry just calling it like it is. You attract more with honey. Look in the mirror and you will see why your sex life is messed up right now.
 

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Honestly OP...being there myself with a wife not into sex but much worse than your once a week.

You probably freaked her out over all the sex stuff. She sees you as nothing more than a sex fiend and a deviant.

Think about it fom her perspective and how you handled it. She really never was much into it but you kept hammering her for it (Trying to FIX her) buying lubes vibrators list goes on an on. You made her hate sex and finds your weekly stuff a CHORE. Probably disgusting.
Even HJ's are the most she'll do because they are the LEAST sexual way to get you off so you leave her the freak alone.

If you would have taken a half a second to look at things from her perspective and temper some of your fantasies you and her would probably have a decent sex life she would actually enjoy like before. Problem is you caused this an women don't forget.

You have a TON of damage to undo. If you want that wild sex life it won't be with her and its going to be a LONG time before she even considers WANTING instead of ACCEPTING a sex life with you again. YOU are just another chore on her list. Nothing is there for her. She only does it because she doesn't want to divorce because you provide safety and security for her. She accepts your life but is probably not very happy at all.

Might as well divorce if you are unwilling to look at this from her perspective and own up to the fact you pushed her over the edge years ago. Forget BJ's she only does those when she wants to.

Sorry just calling it like it is. You attract more with honey. Look in the mirror and you will see why your sex life is messed up right now.
Are you kidding? His sex life sucks because he wants to have sex with his wife?! The nerve!
 

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Honestly OP...being there myself with a wife not into sex but much worse than your once a week.

You probably freaked her out over all the sex stuff. She sees you as nothing more than a sex fiend and a deviant.

Think about it fom her perspective and how you handled it. She really never was much into it but you kept hammering her for it (Trying to FIX her) buying lubes vibrators list goes on an on. You made her hate sex and finds your weekly stuff a CHORE. Probably disgusting.
Even HJ's are the most she'll do because they are the LEAST sexual way to get you off so you leave her the freak alone.

If you would have taken a half a second to look at things from her perspective and temper some of your fantasies you and her would probably have a decent sex life she would actually enjoy like before. Problem is you caused this an women don't forget.

You have a TON of damage to undo. If you want that wild sex life it won't be with her and its going to be a LONG time before she even considers WANTING instead of ACCEPTING a sex life with you again. YOU are just another chore on her list. Nothing is there for her. She only does it because she doesn't want to divorce because you provide safety and security for her. She accepts your life but is probably not very happy at all.

Might as well divorce if you are unwilling to look at this from her perspective and own up to the fact you pushed her over the edge years ago. Forget BJ's she only does those when she wants to.

Sorry just calling it like it is. You attract more with honey. Look in the mirror and you will see why your sex life is messed up right now.
Nice way to blame the original poster. As a woman, I don't think it's fair to dump his wife's unnatural reaction to sex all on his shoulders. Frankly all the things he has mentioned he'd like to try are pretty mainstream and nothing really kinky.
 

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In the last few years, very few orgasms on her part, always in the missionary position, maybe her on top a couple of times per year. After sex, she is completely exhausted, even without having an orgasm.
Well, that would make me want to avoid sex...no orgasms and complete exhaustion during sex trying to get to orgasm? ugh. I'm not surprised sex has become a chore if that is her experience of it.

When did she stop having orgasms regularly? Why do you think she isn't having orgasms much anymore?

Are you still affectionate with each other (outside of bed, and not leading to sex)? Do you connect when you talk, or are you in two separate worlds? Do you do anything fun together, like you used to when you met? Do you compliment each other, or flirt at all? Do you laugh together?

Do you respect her? Does she respect you?
 

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It sounds to me as if she is going through menopause or is perimenopausal. Have her hormones checked out.

If a man is low in testosterone, he will have a problem maintaining and erection or lose desire, if a woman is low on female hormones, she will also lose desire.
 

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Honestly OP...being there myself with a wife not into sex but much worse than your once a week.

You probably freaked her out over all the sex stuff. She sees you as nothing more than a sex fiend and a deviant.

Think about it fom her perspective and how you handled it. She really never was much into it but you kept hammering her for it (Trying to FIX her) buying lubes vibrators list goes on an on. You made her hate sex and finds your weekly stuff a CHORE. Probably disgusting.
Even HJ's are the most she'll do because they are the LEAST sexual way to get you off so you leave her the freak alone.

If you would have taken a half a second to look at things from her perspective and temper some of your fantasies you and her would probably have a decent sex life she would actually enjoy like before. Problem is you caused this an women don't forget.

You have a TON of damage to undo. If you want that wild sex life it won't be with her and its going to be a LONG time before she even considers WANTING instead of ACCEPTING a sex life with you again. YOU are just another chore on her list. Nothing is there for her. She only does it because she doesn't want to divorce because you provide safety and security for her. She accepts your life but is probably not very happy at all.

Might as well divorce if you are unwilling to look at this from her perspective and own up to the fact you pushed her over the edge years ago. Forget BJ's she only does those when she wants to.

Sorry just calling it like it is. You attract more with honey. Look in the mirror and you will see why your sex life is messed up right now.
Is that you T2??????:scratchhead: Actually making sense with cogent thoughts?:p:confused:

OP I have to ask why you think you are such a proficient wonderful lover? Heck you don't do oral often with your wife (and I wonder about any woman who doesn't like oral as I would a man and oral:p:confused:), and she seldom orgasms. The only way I know I am doing anything right is the fact my spouse orgasms..... Yes I am caring, compassionate, giving and enthusiastic, but does that make me a good lover? Heck I don't know.

T2 is right, you have been getting sex at least 1X/wk for 3 years and have tried to bully your wife with sex toys and gifts and she has told you she isn't into it and you have not really discussed it.

I can only imagine what my spouse would do if I bought her a 'magic wand' and left it under the tree at xmas (probably end up in my ass;)).

And it took you 3 years to figure it????? Sorry but you're slow on the uptake.

Best advice is divorce or find a mistress and leave the poor woman alone....
 

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Are you kidding? His sex life sucks because he wants to have sex with his wife?! The nerve!
T2 is in a sexless marriage. Based on his past threads, his wife is very likely in a long-term physical affair with another man. She stays with him because he makes a good salary that allows her to not work. His emotional defense for his wife's actions is that the other man is just a friend, that he is to blame for her refusal to have sex, and that he must, somehow, earn back her affection. Because otherwise, he made the mistake of marrying a gold digger who never cared about him.
 

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T2 is in a sexless marriage. Based on his past threads, his wife is very likely in a long-term physical affair with another man. She stays with him because he makes a good salary that allows her to not work. His emotional defense for his wife's actions is that the other man is just a friend, that he is to blame for her refusal to have sex, and that he must, somehow, earn back her affection. Because otherwise, he made the mistake of marrying a gold digger who never cared about him.
But what he said I think was not off base. Only on TAM do people think marriage vows are a contract to a fulfilling sex life and carte blanche to whenever and wherever you want.

Read the OP again and tell me why he should have and expects more.
 

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But what he said I think was not off base. Only on TAM do people think marriage vows are a contract to a fulfilling sex life and carte blanche to whenever and wherever you want.

Read the OP again and tell me why he should have and expects more.
I don't think that expecting a marriage to include a satisfying sex life is a radical idea. To the contrary. I think the people who insist that one spouse has the right to disregard the other are the radicals. If a wedding was a mutual suicide pact, the brides would wear black.

T2 was completely off base. While I agree that it is possible for a husband to come across as a pervert and freak out his wife, I seriously doubt that is the case here. The OP is talking about buying some lingerie and toys. He's not trying to get his wife into swinging or uploading videos of her online.

However, I think the Married Man Sex Life, and/or No More Mister Nice Guy approaches, where the husband takes the lead in changing the marriage, may be beneficial here. Sitting back and complaining and hoping that the wife changes here behavior will get the OP nowhere fast.
 

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I don't think that expecting a marriage to include a satisfying sex life is a radical idea. To the contrary. I think the people who insist that one spouse has the right to disregard the other are the radicals. If a wedding was a mutual suicide pact, the brides would wear black.

T2 was completely off base. While I agree that it is possible for a husband to come across as a pervert and freak out his wife, I seriously doubt that is the case here. The OP is talking about buying some lingerie and toys. He's not trying to get his wife into swinging or uploading videos of her online.

However, I think the Married Man Sex Life, and/or No More Mister Nice Guy approaches, where the husband takes the lead in changing the marriage, may be beneficial here. Sitting back and complaining and hoping that the wife changes here behavior will get the OP nowhere fast.
Personally I think buying sexy lingerie or sex toys for Xmas for a spouse who makes it abundantly clear she is not sexual is ballsy and quite off putting.

Read the OP again and tell me where he should have expected more (only coerced her into oral 10 years ago).

Plus he's getting no pity from me as he is getting it at least weekly as it is...
 

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But what he said I think was not off base. Only on TAM do people think marriage vows are a contract to a fulfilling sex life and carte blanche to whenever and wherever you want.

Read the OP again and tell me why he should have and expects more.
What's so radical about the idea of a fulfilling sex life with one's spouse? If we agree to forsake all others (part of the standard marital vows in my country) then the expectation that comes with giving up sex with others is the spouse provides the sexual fulfillment since one can't get it from outsiders.
 
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