Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 50 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, looking for some outside input.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...

A friend told me to think of my past and of my future. I have thought of the past and remember early on in our relationship when I wanted to break up with him, but didn't as I couldn't look him in the eye and hurt him. I also remember when he popped the question. We were sitting in the car and he told me to close my eyes. I heard the tell tale sign of the jewelry box opening and remember thinking 'oh crap'. But, stupid me said yes. (we had discussed marriage prior to this and we both had decided to get married.). I have thought of my future and I want to be genuinely happy. I have had a recent friend tell me that my husband and I are one of the happiest couples he has met... I told my friend that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't mean it is good on the inside....

So, I have made up my mind and I will be telling him I want a divorce.

So, I am hoping for some outside input. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong? Is lack of attraction to my husband justifiable reason to want a divorce? (we met when I was in high school)....

Please reply!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Hi, looking for some outside input.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...

A friend told me to think of my past and of my future. I have thought of the past and remember early on in our relationship when I wanted to break up with him, but didn't as I couldn't look him in the eye and hurt him. I also remember when he popped the question. We were sitting in the car and he told me to close my eyes. I heard the tell tale sign of the jewelry box opening and remember thinking 'oh crap'. But, stupid me said yes. (we had discussed marriage prior to this and we both had decided to get married.). I have thought of my future and I want to be genuinely happy. I have had a recent friend tell me that my husband and I are one of the happiest couples he has met... I told my friend that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't mean it is good on the inside....

So, I have made up my mind and I will be telling him I want a divorce.

So, I am hoping for some outside input. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong? Is lack of attraction to my husband justifiable reason to want a divorce? (we met when I was in high school)....

Please reply!
Before you drop this on him-as someone who at one point did something similar- I urge you to explore with a therapist your feelings. Finding why you don't have a desire for him and what you want out of him, life, love, you, etc. good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
326 Posts
He deserves to be wanted and loved. You talk about him as if he is a good guy but you just don't want him.

There are a lot of women who would give their right arm to to have a decent & faithful man.

How are you going to feel after you divorce when you see him with his new woman and she is holding onto his arm and looking into his eyes, as if she was the happiest woman in the world??
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
117 Posts
A telltale sign here is that you didn't really find him attractive from the start of your relationship (it appears). I don't believe in mistakes, only lessons you learn from.
You deserve to know the love of a man and to feel love back to a man. Go and find it without guilt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
A telltale sign here is that you didn't really find him attractive from the start of your relationship (it appears). I don't believe in mistakes, only lessons you learn from.
You deserve to know the love of a man and to feel love back to a man. Go and find it without guilt.
Thanks for the words. I can't describe how they make me feel. But, I still feel so guilty......
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
326 Posts
Maybe you could take a family member or two and get on a cruse ship for a couple of weeks and get away from him.

When you you come back you may have missed him and care for him more than you realized.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
434 Posts
Hi, looking for some outside input.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...

A friend told me to think of my past and of my future. I have thought of the past and remember early on in our relationship when I wanted to break up with him, but didn't as I couldn't look him in the eye and hurt him. I also remember when he popped the question. We were sitting in the car and he told me to close my eyes. I heard the tell tale sign of the jewelry box opening and remember thinking 'oh crap'. But, stupid me said yes. (we had discussed marriage prior to this and we both had decided to get married.). I have thought of my future and I want to be genuinely happy. I have had a recent friend tell me that my husband and I are one of the happiest couples he has met... I told my friend that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't mean it is good on the inside....

So, I have made up my mind and I will be telling him I want a divorce.

So, I am hoping for some outside input. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong? Is lack of attraction to my husband justifiable reason to want a divorce? (we met when I was in high school)....

Please reply!
Is there anyone else in the picture? Like maybe this 'friend'?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
47,277 Posts
Hi, looking for some outside input.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...

A friend told me to think of my past and of my future. I have thought of the past and remember early on in our relationship when I wanted to break up with him, but didn't as I couldn't look him in the eye and hurt him. I also remember when he popped the question. We were sitting in the car and he told me to close my eyes. I heard the tell tale sign of the jewelry box opening and remember thinking 'oh crap'. But, stupid me said yes. (we had discussed marriage prior to this and we both had decided to get married.). I have thought of my future and I want to be genuinely happy. I have had a recent friend tell me that my husband and I are one of the happiest couples he has met... I told my friend that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't mean it is good on the inside....
I feel so remarkable bad for your husband. How sad that he’s gone through 19 years with a wife who did not want to be his wife. You really do need to own up to your dishonesty in this and how you have harmed him.

Have you been a SAHW through all of this? Or do you have a job outside the home?

So, I have made up my mind and I will be telling him I want a divorce.
Good. The sooner you set him free the kinder it is to him.

So, I am hoping for some outside input. Am I being selfish?
No you are not being selfish. Setting him free from a wife who has really had not desire for him and really did not want to be married to him to start with is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do.

Sadly he will probably be devastated and wonder where he went wrong. I really feel badly for your husband. How horrible to have wasted 19 years of his life on someone who felt as you do about him. He did not deserve this.
Am I wrong?
No, you are not wrong. It’s the only way you can even start to undue to harm you did in marrying him.

Is lack of attraction to my husband justifiable reason to want a divorce? (we met when I was in high school)....
If your lack of attraction was a new thing then I would say that you should first do things to rebuild your attraction to him. Passion can be rebuilt in a marriage.

But since you say you never had any attraction to him to start with, yes your lack of attraction to him is justifiable for divorcing him.

I hope that you do not try to take him to the cleaners in a divorce after you took 19 years of his life from him by marrying him when you really were not attracted to him and were really not keen on marrying him to start with.

I am so saddened for your husband. Cannot imagine the pain he will feel to find this all out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Maybe you could take a family member or two and get on a cruse ship for a couple of weeks and get away from him.

When you you come back you may have missed him and care for him more than you realized.
I am just at the end of a 2 week trip visiting friends and family. And I don't find myself missing him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I feel so remarkable bad for your husband. How sad that he’s gone through 19 years with a wife who did not want to be his wife. You really do need to own up to your dishonesty in this and how you have harmed him.

Have you been a SAHW through all of this? Or do you have a job outside the home?


Good. The sooner you set him free the kinder it is to him.


No you are not being selfish. Setting him free from a wife who has really had not desire for him and really did not want to be married to him to start with is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do.

Sadly he will probably be devastated and wonder where he went wrong. I really feel badly for your husband. How horrible to have wasted 19 years of his life on someone who felt as you do about him. He did not deserve this.

No, you are not wrong. It’s the only way you can even start to undue to harm you did in marrying him.


If your lack of attraction was a new thing then I would say that you should first do things to rebuild your attraction to him. Passion can be rebuilt in a marriage.

But since you say you never had any attraction to him to start with, yes your lack of attraction to him is justifiable for divorcing him.

I hope that you do not try to take him to the cleaners in a divorce after you took 19 years of his life from him by marrying him when you really were not attracted to him and were really not keen on marrying him to start with.

I am so saddened for your husband. Cannot imagine the pain he will feel to find this all out.
What is a SAHW? Stay at home wife? We both have careers, so it is not liked I have mooched off of him for the last 19 years! I own my own company and I do quite fine with that.

I just needed some outside input, whether I agree with it or not. (and thanks to everyone who has replied)

I grew up being the person that also tries to do what is right because that is what everyone else expected. Well, everyone expected us to get married, I didn't want to disappoint them. He wanted to marry me, I didn`t want to disappoint him either. I was never the person that thought of me first, I also thought of the others around me, tried to make others happy. I thought if they thought it was right, then it must be. Please don't assume that I am blaming others. I was young, he has my first, I didn't know anything different. I know some people are going to shake their heads at this but well, it is too late to turn back time and I want to make this 'right'.

Oh, and I would NEVER take him 'to the cleaners'. What we have now we build together, and I greatly respect that. The thought to take him 'to the cleaners' hadn't even crossed my mind, and will not happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
811 Posts
Just be glad there are no kids in the picture.

If this is truly how you feel, then I say get divorced. You wouldn't be doing either of you any favors by staying and being unhappy. Maybe you'll both find happiness with someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
How "they may me feel" I may be missing something...who made you feel guilty? are you sure you are telling the whole thing? Is there somebody else in the picture?
Posted via Mobile Device
Me made me feel guilty. No, there is no one else.

I did a lot of searching on the internet looking for stories and help and advice with someone in the same situation as me. It is very hard to find. Anything I did find said that after that many years you should just stay together. Or they said that after having kids the lack of attraction is normal after childbirth. We don`t have kids, so that doesn`t apply. (and of course, I don`t have kids so I have no idea if the statement is correct)

So after reading story after story to say to stay together, and whereas I don`t, it made me feel quilty. Not sure if you understand. Then I stumbled upon this forum and decided to post a thread.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,211 Posts
I have been with my wife for about 20 years now. Several years into our relationship, we split for a while. We wern't married then. She even moved 4 hours away with a friend. We both dated other people and I had fun dating again. As I told my wife (then x-gf) about some of my dates. I think she became a little jealous and came back after 6 months. I kind of wish she didn't come back. I don't feel she is attracted to me or desires me. To a degree, I feel little desire toward her.

Do I want to throw away 20 years?

Can I find somebody who desires me and me them?

Will I be able to not see my daughter every day?

I don't know the answer to any of that.

I would never tell her I was never really attracted to her.

I would be devastated if my wife told me she was never attracted or desired me all these years.


Most of our friends think we are a very happy couple. My wife is my best friend and I would hate to lose that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
Bluedog, let me guess how marriage went for you. You never communicated any of your feelings - ever - to your husband this entire time. You let him continue to go about the marriage doing the same things that may have grated on you and you smiled at him and lied through your teeth about everything being perfect - or at least that you had no complaints. Is that right?

If so, then that's terrible. So if you never felt love for this man - ever - then you basically robbed him of some of his best years. In the meantime you cheated yourself out of happiness too. So why did you marry him in the first place? Can't say no to anyone who you feel sorry for?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I have been with my wife for about 20 years now. Several years into our relationship, we split for a while. We wern't married then. She even moved 4 hours away with a friend. We both dated other people and I had fun dating again. As I told my wife (then x-gf) about some of my dates. I think she became a little jealous and came back after 6 months. I kind of wish she didn't come back. I don't feel she is attracted to me or desires me. To a degree, I feel little desire toward her.

Do I want to throw away 20 years?

Can I find somebody who desires me and me them?

Will I be able to not see my daughter every day?

I don't know the answer to any of that.

I would never tell her I was never really attracted to her.

I would be devastated if my wife told me she was never attracted or desired me all these years.


Most of our friends think we are a very happy couple. My wife is my best friend and I would hate to lose that.
Thanks for the reply. It sounds like our situation is very similar and I appreciate you sharing with me. I don`t want to devastate him, and you last sentence totally hits home. But, it will be up to him if he can forgive me enough to continue to be friends... If he doesn`t, then I respect that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Bluedog, let me guess how marriage went for you. You never communicated any of your feelings - ever - to your husband this entire time. You let him continue to go about the marriage doing the same things that may have grated on you and you smiled at him and lied through your teeth about everything being perfect - or at least that you had no complaints. Is that right?

If so, then that's terrible. So if you never felt love for this man - ever - then you basically robbed him of some of his best years. In the meantime you cheated yourself out of happiness too. So why did you marry him in the first place? Can't say no to anyone who you feel sorry for?
ouch.... I guess I deserved that...
 
1 - 20 of 50 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top