Afraid of being single, don't want to date

2968 Views 22 Replies 15 Participants Last post by Onmyway, Nov 28, 2012

Onmyway

Discussion Starter · Nov 27, 2012

So, as some of you may know, I have decided to divorce my wife after finally forcing her to admit to having an affair (I had 3 or 4 d-days) and her other affair that she won't admit to, the other guy won't either, they only admitted to sending suxual texts to each other, nevermind that they hung out in his apartment for hours alone, but anyways, moving on.

She is living with me still, we are hoping to hold out until she graduates, which could be two years or so, uggh, and we have two 10 year old daughters.

For some ironic reason she was afraid of me starting to date other women, and since I have no interest in seeing anyone right now, we both promised that we wouldn't date until we are at least divorced, I managed to hold myself back from saying "But you already did date".

But anyways, moving on again to the intended original subject. I am almost terrified of being alone, I don't want to grow old alone, and when my daughters become adults it will be even more lonely.

But on the other hand, I don't want to date at all. Don't get me wrong, I see women that I am attracted to, I talk to women that I am attracted to mentally and physically. I even got a phone number for a woman the weekend before last, but I managed to "lose" the phone number (I threw it away) without ever calling her. But I guess that I'm afraid of the commitment, of being hurt this badly again. Is this normal? Once our divorce is through should I just go for it and try to date? Any ideas?
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didntcitcoming

· #2 · Nov 27, 2012

Feel for you.....but you are in good company! I'm sure you have heard the phrase "Fake it unitl you make it".

**Set up a facebook account and reconnect with old friends.
**Start an online dating account and go on some dates...You are not looking to get remarried anytime soon....just practice dating.
**Start going out with friends to parties, clubs, etc....
**Def. 180!!!

Look, you have to start living life for you...Who cares what she wants (she don't want you or you wouldn't be here!).

Good luck

Cdelta02

· #3 · Nov 27, 2012

You shouldnt "date". Be free, enjoy life, go for a coffee with a nice lady or for a lunch. Let your comfort build back up. Give it time. You will know when you are ready to "date".

And screw what your WW thinks. She doesnt get to call the shots anymore. If she doesnt like it, she can take a hike, she already has anyway!

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diwali123

· #4 · Nov 27, 2012

Why are you promising her anything? She already broke your wedding vows and now you are trusting her with this?
Stop being a doormat.
Eventually you will feel it but right now is too soon.
I think it's really hard for men to date while still living with wives. Even if you are in separate bedrooms most women would be uncomfortable.
hy are you agreeing to stay together until she finishes school? It just seems like you are placating her.
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WorkingOnMe

· #5 · Nov 27, 2012

diwali is right. She doesn't want you to date, but I'll be you $50 that she herself doesn't wait. As soon as she feels the coast is clear she'll be on the prowl again. And you'll feel like a schmuck for waiting.

CH

· #6 · Nov 27, 2012

Shouldn't have made that promise. You know why she's doing that right. Hopefully in 2 years you might change your mind.

Is there even a chance for R?

WorkingOnMe

· #7 · Nov 27, 2012

cheatinghubby said:
Shouldn't have made that promise. You know why she's doing that right. Hopefully in 2 years you might change your mind.

Is there even a chance for R?

True. As soon as she thinks things have blown over she'll be trying to seduce him. Making him nice meals, dressing provocatively, cuddling on the couch. And if he's nice enough to keep her in the house for 2 years, he won't say no I'll bet.

Ostera

· #8 · Nov 27, 2012

Unfortunately, I'm with you on this. My stbxw has completely ruined my self esteem and I am emotionally drained. At 50 I don't see myself attempting to get serious with anyone again. I don't need the heart ache. I am 2 months seperated and her issues (needing other mens attention) and controlling behavior have devastated me. I fear that other women my age will probably have more baggage than I can deal with.

Prodigal

· #9 · Nov 27, 2012

Onmyway said:
... we are hoping to hold out until she graduates, which could be two years or so, uggh, and we have two 10 year old daughters.

The problem I see with this arrangement is your daughters are looking at two role models for marriage; two role models who are together for reasons they consider necessary and nothing more. You are saying "uggh." Don't for one minute delude yourself into thinking that your kids aren't being negatively impacted by your arrangement, because they are.

Onmyway said:
For some ironic reason she was afraid of me starting to date other women, and since I have no interest in seeing anyone right now, we both promised that we wouldn't date until we are at least divorced ...

No irony seen from my perspective. Your wife doesn't want you to be happy with another woman. Not that she wants you, but it's a matter of pride. Sick pride, I may add. Kinda like, "If I don't want him, I don't want any other woman to want him either." Sick.

Onmyway said:
I am almost terrified of being alone, I don't want to grow old alone, and when my daughters become adults it will be even more lonely.

This is all-or-nothing/black-and-white thinking. It is also known as "awfulizing." So you are terrified to be alone; thus, why not agree to your wife's no-dating agenda. This mindset may very well be what is keeping you stuck. JMO, but I'd separate now, start divorce proceedings, and get on with life. You may not realize it, but nobody is winning in the current situation. You are miserable (not to mention you're playing the victim/doormat here), your wife is miserable (or just using you as an economic security blanket until she graduates), and you children ... well, they are going to be unhappy in their so-called "happy" home.

You are trying to control the future by projecting a lot of what-if scenarios. ALL ANY OF US KNOW, WITH ANY REASONABLE CERTAINTY, IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY - IN THIS MOMENT IN TIME.

You'd have far more peace of mind if you weren't living in limbo land. The marriage is over. End it. Yes, there is pain and loneliness involved, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And that light ain't a train! Trust me. I KNOW loneliness. We survive it, conquer it, and learn to adapt. And there are plenty of women on this planet who would be a good match for you. Believe me.

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Viseral

· #10 · Nov 28, 2012

Onmyway said:
So, as some of you may know, I have decided to divorce my wife after finally forcing her to admit to having an affair (I had 3 or 4 d-days) and her other affair that she won't admit to, the other guy won't either, they only admitted to sending suxual texts to each other, nevermind that they hung out in his apartment for hours alone, but anyways, moving on.

She is living with me still, we are hoping to hold out until she graduates, which could be two years or so, uggh, and we have two 10 year old daughters.

For some ironic reason she was afraid of me starting to date other women, and since I have no interest in seeing anyone right now, we both promised that we wouldn't date until we are at least divorced, I managed to hold myself back from saying "But you already did date".

But anyways, moving on again to the intended original subject. I am almost terrified of being alone, I don't want to grow old alone, and when my daughters become adults it will be even more lonely.

But on the other hand, I don't want to date at all. Don't get me wrong, I see women that I am attracted to, I talk to women that I am attracted to mentally and physically. I even got a phone number for a woman the weekend before last, but I managed to "lose" the phone number (I threw it away) without ever calling her. But I guess that I'm afraid of the commitment, of being hurt this badly again. Is this normal? Once our divorce is through should I just go for it and try to date? Any ideas?
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Don't worry about it. You won't have any trouble.

Thing is, the less you "try" with women, the more they want you. After my separation, I tried to avoid women like the plague for two years, but for some reason they kept coming out of the woodwork. I guess I became "a challenge". Go figure.

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adv

· #11 · Nov 28, 2012

I think that if family money (or yours if she's not working) is going towards your wife's degree, then you should separate as soon as you're able. She cheated on you so you are no longer responsible for her betterment. Also, as someone else already said, you already know she has no problem "dating" other people so why would you want to put yourself into a self imposed limbo for 2+ years while she does whatever she wants?

On your children's side, they need to see their father as a man they should they are proud of, one who will not tolerate infidelity or disrespect, which are at least two things your wife has shown you and they have probably noticed.

On the dating, once your wife is gone and the toxic feelings you have about women start to fade, you will probably start to find yourself with more dating opportunities than you can fit into your schedule. Just keep things light, talk to a variety of women, and then start to decide what you like.

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Onmyway

Discussion Starter · #12 · Nov 28, 2012

Yeah, living together like this is a sh*tty situation, and I don't believe her promise not to date one bit. However, I think it's the best route for now as I do have my kids future to worry about, and if I was the least bit interested in dating I wouldn't have made that promise to not date. If we had family or anything here is would be different and she would have been completely gone already.

I suppose that I am projecting a lot of what ifs onto my situation, I have gotten looks and a phone number among other signs, I suppose I should just wait until my feelings settle and take it easy for awhile.
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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

· #13 · Nov 28, 2012

What could be lonelier than being in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you? You've already experienced the worst. Honestly, once you establish a relationship with yourself and learn to manage your time, you will not feel lonely, though perhaps you might be alone...and who isn't at some time or another, even when in the healthiest of relationships? One should always live their life, even when partnered, in a way that will 'hold up' should crisis strike...a death, a disabling accident or illness, a betrayal, etc. What you are facing is what anyone faces, at some time in their adult life...the realization that when push comes to shove, it's them and themselves. Most people come to terms with this, some people call it spiritual enlightenment, others call it mature adjustment. There is a lot of advice given in various forums about 'working on me' that follows along the same lines as befriending yourself.
Don't panic!

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Prodigal

· #14 · Nov 28, 2012

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:
What could be lonelier than being in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you? You've already experienced the worst. Honestly, once you establish a relationship with yourself and learn to manage your time, you will not feel lonely, though perhaps you might be alone...and who isn't at some time or another, even when in the healthiest of relationships?

THIS. Listen to what Homemaker is saying. You are not looking at the bigger picture. And I say that with sincerity and compassion for your current situation.

You came here looking for advice. Whether or not you take it is up to you. But it saddens me that you believe you are staying for the sake of your children.

Take it from someone who watched her parents marriage start to unravel at the age of 8. I was a MESS. I kept it under wraps, but I started having major anxiety attacks when I was 8. And my parents stayed together for another three years. How I wish they had ended it before that.

Your fear is what is holding you back. Not your kids.

EleGirl

· #15 · Nov 28, 2012

It's pretty typical to not be interested in dating at first when a relationship breaks up.

Instead of thinking about dating right now what you can do it to get more social. Go out and do things you enjoy. You will meet people doing this. And along the way, when you are ready you will meet someone new.

One way to get started on expanding your life is to go to Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup they have tons of groups that do things... you just got to show up and have fun. Take a look at the website and see what they have.

Doing it this way is really a lot easier emotionally because it gives you time to heal and move on at your own pace.

jonepeteru

· #16 · Nov 28, 2012

Eventually you will feel it but right now is too soon

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Onmyway

Discussion Starter · #17 · Nov 28, 2012

Thanks for the advice everyone, it may be hard for me to take but I am definitely listening. Everyone here was 100% correct when I first suspected my wife's affair, and it was my mistake to ignore that advice and tell myself "not my wife" so I will be sure to listen now, thank you all.

And I would love for her to move out, but I just can't bring myself to it for some reason, I want her to finish school and get a good job, and that is the part that I'm looking at for my kids. I don't make a lot of money and I travel a lot, daycare, the alimony that this backwards state will make me pay on top of my normal bills will kill me. I wish I had never moved us down here to this sh*tty place. I feel stuck.
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Onmyway

Discussion Starter · #18 · Nov 28, 2012

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:
What could be lonelier than being in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you? You've already experienced the worst. Honestly, once you establish a relationship with yourself and learn to manage your time, you will not feel lonely, though perhaps you might be alone...and who isn't at some time or another, even when in the healthiest of relationships? One should always live their life, even when partnered, in a way that will 'hold up' should crisis strike...a death, a disabling accident or illness, a betrayal, etc. What you are facing is what anyone faces, at some time in their adult life...the realization that when push comes to shove, it's them and themselves. Most people come to terms with this, some people call it spiritual enlightenment, others call it mature adjustment. There is a lot of advice given in various forums about 'working on me' that follows along the same lines as befriending yourself.
Don't panic!

Thank you Homemaker, this makes so much sense.
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Onmyway

Discussion Starter · #19 · Nov 28, 2012

EleGirl said:
It's pretty typical to not be interested in dating at first when a relationship breaks up.

Instead of thinking about dating right now what you can do it to get more social. Go out and do things you enjoy. You will meet people doing this. And along the way, when you are ready you will meet someone new.

One way to get started on expanding your life is to go to Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup they have tons of groups that do things... you just got to show up and have fun. Take a look at the website and see what they have.

Doing it this way is really a lot easier emotionally because it gives you time to heal and move on at your own pace.

Thanks for the advice and the link, I will check it out

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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

· #20 · Nov 28, 2012

I really admire OP's patience and presence of mind to be roommates with his wife in order to keep life progressing in an orderly fashion as the dust s l o w l y settles. I think maybe some of us kneejerk and say it's not a healthy situation, but blunt force trauma of sudden separation is also unhealthy. It seems like the family will 'feel' its way out of the situation, and continue to 'function' just in a different way. His comment about the laws and the finances reflect real constraints on the situation, that will reflect how a solution/decision feels on a day to day basis...real constraints have to be respected. There needs to be a plan for housing, food, education, employment... Of course emotional health is important, but one can move onto emotional health more quickly if not also adjusting to a new physical situation. Perhaps just re-arranging the house and changing the daily habits/traffic flow and dividing up the social space and parenting just a bit more than usual will be the way to go. Every family/couple is different. OP really does sound like he's in a good place to start, asking decent questions and not sounding like he expects retribution. He just wants to feel better about the situation...that doesn't require radical change, subtle also works pretty well. Waiting on a divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing.

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