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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We always see the aftermath of infidelity in the CWI forums. And there is generally a consensus to what the man should do after his wife has an affair. If it works, good. If it doesn't work, then tough luck, at least he'll have his self-esteem and confidence back.

Now after the affair when building the relationship back, I've seen that "Married Man Sex Life Primer" is highly recommended. Yes, it is effective. Yes, it is highly correct in the way that you need balanced alpha-beta traits and good self-boundaries to make an LTR work beatifully.

But what I have to ask you is this - doesn't the initial attraction(although it can be prolonged by this approach) wear off eventually? And won't the cheater become restless and cheat anyway? I mean if somebody just isn't mature enough to not frigging cheat, are our actions supposed to make them grow up?

Note: I'm not talking about swingers, serial cheaters, sociopaths etc. Just a good nice cake eating girl (lol)

Note 2:I'm specifically talking about female infidelity here. I don't know what can be done in the event of male infidelity, why it happens, simply because I cannot cheat(as a male) and thus have no perspective of a male cheater.
 

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My answer is, no. I can only control my own actions. I can better prepare myself for the hurt/harm of a break up, but I cannot prevent her from wanting and pursuing an affair. It is her decision and all I can do is the best I can to be a good partner/husband.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That sucks muchly. With higher than %50 divorce and infidelity rates, marriage in USA doesn't feel very tempting, somehow.

Damn I wish I was less paranoid and more trusting :)
 

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Paranoia is not good. You probably have learned, "Trust but verify".
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Let's not call it paranoia, let's call it "there are government satellites watching me."

But on a more serious note, I got cheated on in a country where the divorce rate is %3 and cheating isn't all that common(although I think in the younger generation I am in it's a bit more than rare.) So basically, I know I'm gonna say "oh, she seems like marriage material" about a crackheaded methusing heroine addict.
 

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I see where you are coming from. Also though, it scares me that some who cheat don't really consciously decide to do so. It just starts by the eroding of boundaries. And then someone trying to prove to themselves that they can be platonic friends with someone despite an obvious sexual attraction and interest. Why do you have to do that? What does that do for you? Also, I think some people take communication and trust for granted. What I mean is, find someone who doesn't have any "off limits" subject matter. Someone who communicates effectively and just doesn't shut down or rug sweep issues. Someone who will truly be vulnerable to you. If they have deep psychological issues, I think they should take the time to face their demons and get help rather then expecting their spouse to just love those issues away. Not needy but someone who truly makes a conscious effort to consider how certain things would effect their spouse that they do. And if they are unhappy, they are self aware enough to tell you why and what it is they need.

I think affairs happen because of unrealistic expectations, selfishness, too much independence, and people not being open and honest enough in marriages. And I think that some people are so hurt by their spouses that they learn not to give or care so much.
 

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Let's not call it paranoia, let's call it "there are government satellites watching me."

But on a more serious note, I got cheated on in a country where the divorce rate is %3 and cheating isn't all that common(although I think in the younger generation I am in it's a bit more than rare.) So basically, I know I'm gonna say "oh, she seems like marriage material" about a crackheaded methusing heroine addict.
If you don't mind me asking, what country were you in?
 

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But what I have to ask you is this - doesn't the initial attraction(although it can be prolonged by this approach) wear off eventually? And won't the cheater become restless and cheat anyway? I mean if somebody just isn't mature enough to not frigging cheat, are our actions supposed to make them grow up?
If a woman or man lacks this thing called "Integrity" to their own word or vow to another...and has not grown from their past hurts inflicted on another...now giving & espousing a willing Transparency ...so TRUST can be rebuilt brick by brick..... I don't know that what you ask is assured... it's a leap of Faith... a Risk....after all....
is always a Risk.

I think Mature people cheat as well. It's more about Integrity to ones word and Honesty in all things. Like the words of Billy Joel's "Honesty"

At least if one is falling out of love... they will alert their lover - so it can be worked upon together.... this is honorable/ respectful even... even if it may hurt .... it doesn't crush, maime & destroy the way cheating would... betrayal is far worse.
 

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If a woman or man lacks this thing called "Integrity" to their own word or vow to another...and has not grown from their past hurts inflicted on another...now giving & espousing a willing Transparency ...so TRUST can be rebuilt brick by brick..... I don't know that what you ask is assured... it's a leap of Faith... a Risk....after all....
is always a Risk.

I think Mature people cheat as well. It's more about Integrity to ones word and Honesty in all things. Like the words of Billy Joel's "Honesty"

At least if one is falling out of love... they will alert their lover - so it can be worked upon together.... this is honorable/ respectful even... even if it may hurt .... it doesn't crush, maime & destroy the way cheating would... betrayal is far worse.
I think this is a great response. You have addressed the fact that both parties are at fault and each of them is lacking something which is required to have a good relationship.

I just don't think any of these things "Affair-Proof" a marriage and I think I read it here in your response.

There is no person nor one relationship that is perfect and there never will be. There will always be the possibility of divorce in any marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
If you don't mind me asking, what country were you in?
Turkey. Although I'm a last year med student, after this comes board exams and specialty training, while I am training to become a psychiatrist, I plan to take the USMLE and travel to USA. So, yeah I'm a bit worried about what will happen in a country where divorce and affairs run amok :)
 

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SA you should get your own radio show.
I would likely be as obnoxious as a Dr Laura at times.. Some people can't stomach her... I love her.....

I think I'll keep the keyboard -it tones down my feistiness in the heat of irritation......I could see my sticking my ever opinionated mouth (meaning my foot) into my mouth on a daily basis if I had that platform.

But thank you Mr Falcon, the King.

2ntnuf said: There is no person nor one relationship that is perfect and there never will be. There will always be the possibility of divorce in any marriage.
I do believe this to be so...then there are those on the other side... who could be so hell bent on upholding vows (even when the emotional has died a tragic death)... but still trudge through in sacrificial misery to uphold them... this is no healthy answer either.
 

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A legitimate divorce where there just is too much effed uppedness to deal with is one thing. Being lied to and getting cheated on then getting dumped is another :)
I don't understand this, but that's okay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I just don't think any of these things "Affair-Proof" a marriage and I think I read it here in your response.

There is no person nor one relationship that is perfect and there never will be. There will always be the possibility of divorce in any marriage.
I just read somewhere that a marriage's length and health isn't much related to how compatible the couple is, but related to how well they deal with incompatibilities. Basically the relationship doesn't need to be perfect, I guess.

I don't understand this, but that's okay.
:) I meant that a legitimate divorce where there is just too much crap to deal with is okay.
 

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I think this is a great response. You have addressed the fact that both parties are at fault and each of them is lacking something which is required to have a good relationship.

I just don't think any of these things "Affair-Proof" a marriage and I think I read it here in your response.

There is no person nor one relationship that is perfect and there never will be. There will always be the possibility of divorce in any marriage.[/QUOTE]

I would likely be as obnoxious as a Dr Laura at times.. Some people can't stomach her... I love her.....

I think I'll keep the keyboard -it tones down my feistiness in the heat of irritation......I could see my sticking my ever opinionated mouth (meaning my foot) into my mouth on a daily basis if I had that platform.

But thank you Mr Falcon, the King.

I do believe this to be so...then there are those on the other side... who could be so hell bent on upholding vows (even when the emotional has died a tragic death)... but still trudge through in sacrificial misery to uphold them... this is no healthy answer either.

The emotional never truly dies. We avoid it. We try to replace it with others. It never truly dies. There are other threads which have covered this by talking about their spouses being "friends" with their X's. Although not clearly stated, it can be inferred that those relationships are poo poo'd by many because of fear of these emotions returning.
 

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I would likely be as obnoxious as a Dr Laura at times.. Some people can't stomach her... I love her.....

I think I'll keep the keyboard -it tones down my feistiness in the heat of irritation......I could see my sticking my ever opinionated mouth (meaning my foot) into my mouth on a daily basis if I had that platform.

But thank you Mr Falcon, the King.

I do believe this to be so...then there are those on the other side... who could be so hell bent on upholding vows (even when the emotional has died a tragic death)... but still trudge through in sacrificial misery to uphold them... this is no healthy answer either.
SA don't you ever insult yourself again by comparing yourself to Dr. Laura. You have 10x the integrity that woman has. Did you know she was married when she was in college but she cheated on her husband with some guy she was working for at a radio station(who was also married)? He even had nude photos of her and posted them on the internet. Also, she always attacks the women, especially when they want to divorce their husbands. She preaches to them to be more selfless and worshiping to their husbands. As a man, that does sound pretty cool:rolleyes:....BUT I think she is projecting her guilt onto them for the mistakes she has made in her life and what she did in her first marriage. And she is somewhat of a racist. That woman is nowhere near you in integrity.

Thread jack over.
 
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