[ABHale]

If I’m understanding your time line correctly, you started your relationship with the OM before you and your husband started the in home separation. Then it turned physical afterwards.

You are lying to yourself if you think this didn’t have an effect when you two made the decision to give each other space. You need to figure this out for yourself.

 

[bobert]

Do you think that could be because of the affair? How they were conceived? Either way its wrong for people to do that and those babies lives come first as far as I am concerned.

No, it's because you don't approve of anyone having a baby unless they are with you on planet perfect. Hate to break it to you, but there is no perfect situation to have a baby.

 

[Diana7]

You read the thread, what do you think about some of the replies? I get that this is a hot button issue for many, including myself.

I think its great that she is keeping the babies and while the way she conceived them isnt the best, they are here and she isnt just going to get rid of them as many would.

 

[Diana7]

No, it's because you don't approve of anyone having a baby unless they are with you on planet perfect. Hate to break it to you, but there is no perfect situation to have a baby.

Eh?
Sorry you have got the wrong person here, I didnt say any such thing if you look back. I was answering another poster as to why some here may have attacked her. I think its brilliant that she will keep the babies when so many would just get rid of them. Babies are innocent and dont deserve to die. She seems to have lots of family support and thats good too as she will need that.
So dont jump down my throat and be rude when you clearly havent read all the posts. Some posters were actually pretty rude to her, so maybe go and attack them instead.

 

[Gabriel]

You speak quite highly of the AP about how you have so much in common etc This man has a little girl and cares nothing about the risks he has been taking that his family will at some point blow up because of his actions.

Right- honestly, this sounds like a garden variety 2-way affair to me. The OP claims she is essentially separated, but, no divorce plans have even been started, and they are living together. For all we know the husband has absolutely no clue his wife has been considering a divorce at all. And this "separation" is a way for the OP to semi-justify her actions of sleeping with her guy friend she's had a crush on.

Now, oops, she's pregnant. If she wasn't pregnant, she wouldn't be considering any sort of reveal of her affair. She'd be continuing the extra-marital sex, the keeping her husband in the dark, etc.

Sound about right?

 

[Lostinthought61]

Cici how did it go? What course of action did he want to pursue? Remember he is in the driver seat of his own life and he is the victim here not you. You need to ensure to him that he is not legally bound to that child regardless of you martial status. He needs to go on and find a new life without you.

 

[Gabriel]

I have something to confess that I'm very ashamed of. This is something that I haven't been able to share with anyone in my life. I've just read everything I wrote and realized that it's really long, so I apologize....

I'm 30 years old and have been married to my husband for 7 years. Over the past 6 months we have sort of been doing an unofficial separation while we attempt to work on our marriage. Originally, I had wanted to salvage our relationship. We have gone to marriage counseling, but he sort of quit half way through because he "didn't have time" but claims he still wants to save our marriage. I am having a hard time completely letting go of the relationship. I think we both are for some unknown reason. At this time we are still legally married and living together, but it's often more like a roommate situation. These days, I feel that even if we were to resume counseling, we may just simply want different things in life and be too different as people to really have a successful marriage no matter how hard we work on it.

In the meantime, I began a relationship with another man. My husband doesn't know about it. I honestly thought it would be more of a fling, which I suppose it is, but it's just been going on for months now. This man is someone who I am friends with. We used to be pretty good friends in college and then we drifted apart but remained in touch. He's married and has been having issues in his relationship too, but they were never separated. We began having what is essentially an affair about 4 months ago, but if I'm perfectly honest we were probably having an emotional affair for a few months prior to that. I feel really guilty about it. I'm not proud of doing this. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone, even my closest friends. You're probably asking why I don't just stop seeing him if I feel so bad about it. He's become my main support person. I feel that he and I have so much more in common than me and my husband. We have similar values, goals, interests, and so on. I feel my husband and I married so young and our relationship was based on things that really aren't so important to me now. The relationship I have with this other man is so much more fulfilling.

I recently found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on birth control (Depo shot), but we have had unprotected sex. My husband isn't the father. We have had sex over the past 6 months, but very infrequently and definitely not within the time frame that I became pregnant. I had no idea how far along I was until I had an ultrasound yesterday when I found out not only am I now 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant, but I'm expecting twins. Twins aren't the most shocking thing for me since my maternal grandmother has a fraternal twin and my brothers are fraternal twins. However, it's just a lot to take in.
I have not told anyone about the pregnancy. I know I want to have these babies. I'm not getting any younger. I don't think there is any way for my marriage to survive this. How long might it take for me to have space from the marriage, begin to date again, eventually marry again possibly, and then have children? I'm not sure I want to wait that long.
I am not sure how to break this news to my husband. I'm not sure how to break the news to the father. I feel such an incredible amount of guilt because of our relationship, but this makes it so much worse. I feel so bad for doing this to his family. I think that is the main thing that sometimes makes me second guess having these babies. This will affect his wife and daughter far more than just our having a relationship.

I just needed to share this with someone. I want some honest feedback and advice please. I don't think there's anything that anyone can possbly say that will not be as bad as things I've already thought about myself, so I can take some honesty.

The bold in the first paragraph tells me that your unofficial separation isn't a separation at all. Just a listless marriage. And that You think and You feel things but You don't KNOW things. "We may just want different things" - um, how about you talk about it instead of having an affair?

The bold in the 2nd paragraph tells me you are in an affair "fog". You say that this relationship is so much more fulfilling - HA! Your affair buddy doesn't have to deal with his wife and kid when he's around you - he's going to say all the right things to keep you as a side piece. He's having cake and eating it. How can you even know what a real relationship with him would be like - once all the sneaking around is done and a bright light is shone on the two of you, guarantee most of this lovey magic disappears.

The bold in the 3rd paragraph is further proof you are not "unofficially separated" - you two are still having sex, even if not often. Your H has absolutely no clue what is about to hit him.

Question. You've said a couple of times you were going to tell him "today". Yet, this apparently hasn't happened. You are understandably afraid but my guess is you will feel a lot of relief just unburdening yourself from this secret. Just do it.

My last question is this. If (God forbid this were to happen - I don't wish this on you) you somehow lost the babies via miscarriage before telling him, would you still tell your husband what happened? Something tells me you wouldn't.

BTW, I have twins myself. They are a blessing but the work is overwhelming. The first 4 months or so was a total blur for my wife and I. Even with the both of us, we needed help. You are going to need support from somebody. Whether it's a sibling or your parents or something. You will need to prepare yourself. People with no kids often think it's "cute" to have twins. It's a ridiculous amount of work even for two loving parents. I can't imagine one parent getting through it. I speak from experience here.

 

[manfromlamancha]

I agree that the innocent babes shouldn't be made to pay for the sins of their father and mother. I also think that it would be great if she kept her babies. She should attempt to now provide the best care and upbringing for them that she can - if (a) she is truly remorseful and wants her husband, AND (b) he can see past this in that these babes are innocent and need to be seen as a blessing for whoever has them to care for, then that might be the best possible result. As for the POSOM (not saying that OP is any better than him though), he needs to step up in providing for these babies. The babies need to grow up knowing they were loved and treasured. OP you need to have a really honest chat with your husband while protecting the innocent babes at all times.

 

[Cici1990]

I confessed everything to my husband last night. I'm currently writing this from a hotel room where I'm supposed to be focusing on work, but I'm really struggling to stay focused. I should have taken a mental health day but I need to save all my paid leave at this point.

I started by telling him that I began talking to a friend about 6-7 months ago and that it became more than a friendship over the course of a few months, after which is became physical about 4 months ago. He asked if by physical I meant one or two times or if it was a full blown relationship/affair that's been going on this entire time. I told him it was the latter. He was like "What the ****? The entire time we were in therapy, which YOU suggested, you were ****ing this other guy? And when I wanted to stop counseling because we were getting nowhere YOU complained and even then you were still screwing around with him?" I told him yes, but I thought I would put an end to it eventually but allowed myself to just fall deeper and deeper into the relationship. He asked if I'd been in our house with the other man and I told the truth, which is yes we have a few times. He didn't get violent towards me, but he was MAD and obviously shocked like I'd punched him or something. He definitely did not suspect anything. Of course he wanted to know who it was. I told him. He know the other man only through me. They don't talk, have each other's numbers, see each other in person, etc. They've met in person several times but it was many years ago. When I told him who it was (which I'm not sure I should have done...maybe I should have just told him that I didn't want to say quite yet, but I didn't really think about it in the moment) he was like "I knew it! I knew there was always something between you and you've both been interested in being more than friends for way longer than 6 months! I'm going to kill that ****ing bastard..." Note, there hasn't been anything other than friendship between me and the other man prior to this. We have been friends, not super close, but we have been in semi normal communication and follow each other on social media and stuff like that. When he and his wife has their daughter 3 years ago I sent him a gift, which was just a baby onesie with the logo of one of our favorite bands on it. We both loved this one band and it was just sort of a silly gift to congratulate him on his baby. My husband got so mad about it and didn't want me to send the guy the gift for his baby. So, my husband has been uncomfortable about my relationship with this other guy for years.

So my husband was basically like "What now? What are you expecting from me?" I told him that there's more, that I'm pregnant with the other man's babies. He said "Babies?" I told him it was twins. I thought he was about to pass out. He was at a loss for words I think. He was like "You're ****ing with me. This cannot be happening." I didn't really know what to say. He was getting more and more upset. He asked me "How many times?" I wasn't sure what he was asking and he said "How many times did you let him cum in you?!" I don't know, most of the times we were together. He said he can't talk to me anymore right now. We're getting a divorce immediately and he's not about to raise these kids as his own. He says I can do whatever I want with the situation now, have the kids, do whatever I want, but he's not sticking around for it.

I told him I'm sorry, I cried. I didn't cry for sympathy, I just couldn't help but cry and tell him how sorry I was. He said that means nothing, that I'm not sorry, and I'm probably only sorry now because I got knocked up and have to admit to what happened. I let him know I would leave and that I had a hotel booked for a few days. I thought he'd be fine with it, but it almost seemed to make him more upset. He accused me of just running away, yet again. Then he assumed that I was going there so I could meet up with the other man. I told him no, that I just thought it might be better if we had some space since emotions are high, it's going to be really uncomfortable being in the house together right now, and I figured he probably wouldn't even want to look at me after this news. He was like "So you're going to go stay in a hotel and get covid? Then bring it back here to me on top of whatever else you've probably given me?" Then he asked me if it was just this guy or if it had been others too. I told him it was just this guy. I told him I'm sorry but I really want to go be alone right now, that this was a lot to handle and that I already have a whole bag of stuff, including disinfectants, to take to the hotel and that I'll be fine.

So I don't know how long I will be here. I booked the hotel for 3 nights just to give us time to cool off. I don't expect his attitude to change, but at least this will give us a small window to process things separately.

At about 1 in the morning he texted me. He asked if I was sure the babies weren't his. I felt so bad. I told him I'm sure and when I conceived and he knows we didn't have sex around the time at all. There is no chance they are his. I almost wish that they were just so that this situation might be a little easier to handle.I haven't talked to him since.

 

[Cici1990]

Well, the biggest, scariest, most difficult story that you’re going to have to tell is the one you’re going to have to tell the twins one day.

You’ll be explaining this one for the rest of your life, that one’s your job.

For now, you and your affair partner and his wife and 3-year old are first in line, this foursome get the first round of talks. You four get to deal with the pregnancy.

And then you can tell your husband, he’s your last priority anyway, your pregnancy has nothing to do with him, don’t drag him into that baby drama.

I told my husband first. I feel bad about what this will do to the other man's family, but I'm not the one who is going to explain this to his wife and daughter. He needs to do that, once I tell him of course. I feel like after all I've done to my husband by having this other relationship, the least I could do was tell him first, which is what I did.

 

[Cici1990]

Here’s my advice:

#1 give the babies up for adoption. Some wonderfully stable couple would give everything they had to have your two babies.
You could give the two babies a stable home and a mother AND a father.

#2. Tell your husband the truth. You haven’t. I fear you won’t. I fear you’ll not tell him and have these babies and let him think they’re his. You haven’t told him yet, have you?

#3. The babies father should be told. Then tell him you’re giving them up for adoption unless he wants to contribute child support or divorce his wife and marry you and raise the kids.

So there it is. My advice.

So my thoughts:

You wrote how you were so closely matched and had so much fun with the AP, and how he was so much better of a match than your current husband. Very childish thinking. Apparently you’ve forgotten, or you’ve twisted your memories of your husband in order to squash some of your guilt about what you’ve done.
I say this because you felt about your husband the same as this AP, or you wouldn’t have married him.
I suspect the pedestal you’ve placed under this AP will get knocked out about the time you mention the word pregnant.

You are nothing but a mistress to him I suspect. A woman he has sex with and has no fears of any actual commitment to—- until he hears the word pregnant. Add twins to that and his expression will get noticibly worse, if that’s possible.

You should give the kids up for adoption. They deserve two parents who have time to be their parents. You’re going to need to be making a living. They’ll be with a sitter or your relatives. That responsibility you shouldn’t saddle you relatives with.
Abortion? I don’t even know why that has even been mentioned. I’m glad you at least haven’t stopped that low. Please consider adoption. You could make someone supper happy and give your kids a wonderful life.

Wait until you have a stable home before you have kids. Keeping these kids for yourself in your circumstance is yet another selfish move in a long line of selfish decisions you’ve made lately. I hope you’ll at least think about it.

I think adoption can be a wonderful thing, but it is not something I'm considering in my situation. I want to raise my children. I'm a 30 year old woman with a good career and as long as things are divided somewhat equally in a divorce, which I'm sure at this point is going to happen, I will be able to afford to raise my children by myself even if it takes up almost all of my income. I can give them the love that they need and deserve and I know my family will love them as well. They can still have a good life with me. Even if I placed them for adoption (we aren't supposed to say things like "give up for adoption" these days because the wording is negative and hurtful), that can present a different set of problems for them. Adopted children often grow up and have many issues that stem from being "given away," no matter how great their adoptive families are. They will also definitely wonder about their biological parents and the circumstances surrounding their adoption. With DNA, social media, etc. it's very hard to keep everything a secret even with a closed adoption. I don't think I could do a closed adoption anyway - knowing my children were out there and not being able to know how they were doing and see them grow. I just couldn't do it.

Never for one moment have I thought about lying to my husband to make him think he was the father. Despite everything I've done, I think that is on a whole different level. I don't hate him. He's also not stupid and he'd be able to figure out that there is no way he could have impregnated me at the time they were conceived.

 

[Broken at 20]

OP, what's your financial situation look like?

Divorce is expensive. Luckily it sounds like neither of you want to prolong it, so there won't be any drawn out legal battles, but there will still be court fees and lawyer expenses. And if your husband is the primary earner, he might be forced to pay for your attorney if you can't afford one. Which is another can of worms to deal with.

Also babies are expensive. Clothes, cribs, the hospital bill, and whatever else (to the posters who asked, no, I don't have/ever want kids so I'm sure there are several expenses and things I didn't think of/missed). I've heard strollers are also very expensive, and you'll need one for twins. A baby shower might help offset these expenses, though probably not as much as you might wish.
Then there is the day-care. Standard maternity leave is 12 weeks in the US. After that, I'll assume you'll go back to work, and the babies will need daycare. Where I live, it's about $850 a month. That could be a lot or a little to you.

As for child support, I imagine the OM will fight you tooth and nail. But that is also assuming he isn't going through his own divorce. If his STBXW decides to take him to the cleaners, he'll have child support payments on 3 kids, and alimony. Unless he earns over $100K/yr., I imagine he's going to have trouble paying that (or surviving for that matter...HA!) So I would say don't expect to get regular checks from him.

Might be a good time to start budgeting and finding ways to save everything you can.

 

[Lostinthought61]

I confessed everything to my husband last night. I'm currently writing this from a hotel room where I'm supposed to be focusing on work, but I'm really struggling to stay focused. I should have taken a mental health day but I need to save all my paid leave at this point.

I started by telling him that I began talking to a friend about 6-7 months ago and that it became more than a friendship over the course of a few months, after which is became physical about 4 months ago. He asked if by physical I meant one or two times or if it was a full blown relationship/affair that's been going on this entire time. I told him it was the latter. He was like "What the ****? The entire time we were in therapy, which YOU suggested, you were ****ing this other guy? And when I wanted to stop counseling because we were getting nowhere YOU complained and even then you were still screwing around with him?" I told him yes, but I thought I would put an end to it eventually but allowed myself to just fall deeper and deeper into the relationship. He asked if I'd been in our house with the other man and I told the truth, which is yes we have a few times. He didn't get violent towards me, but he was MAD and obviously shocked like I'd punched him or something. He definitely did not suspect anything. Of course he wanted to know who it was. I told him. He know the other man only through me. They don't talk, have each other's numbers, see each other in person, etc. They've met in person several times but it was many years ago. When I told him who it was (which I'm not sure I should have done...maybe I should have just told him that I didn't want to say quite yet, but I didn't really think about it in the moment) he was like "I knew it! I knew there was always something between you and you've both been interested in being more than friends for way longer than 6 months! I'm going to kill that ****ing bastard..." Note, there hasn't been anything other than friendship between me and the other man prior to this. We have been friends, not super close, but we have been in semi normal communication and follow each other on social media and stuff like that. When he and his wife has their daughter 3 years ago I sent him a gift, which was just a baby onesie with the logo of one of our favorite bands on it. We both loved this one band and it was just sort of a silly gift to congratulate him on his baby. My husband got so mad about it and didn't want me to send the guy the gift for his baby. So, my husband has been uncomfortable about my relationship with this other guy for years.

So my husband was basically like "What now? What are you expecting from me?" I told him that there's more, that I'm pregnant with the other man's babies. He said "Babies?" I told him it was twins. I thought he was about to pass out. He was at a loss for words I think. He was like "You're ****ing with me. This cannot be happening." I didn't really know what to say. He was getting more and more upset. He asked me "How many times?" I wasn't sure what he was asking and he said "How many times did you let him cum in you?!" I don't know, most of the times we were together. He said he can't talk to me anymore right now. We're getting a divorce immediately and he's not about to raise these kids as his own. He says I can do whatever I want with the situation now, have the kids, do whatever I want, but he's not sticking around for it.

I told him I'm sorry, I cried. I didn't cry for sympathy, I just couldn't help but cry and tell him how sorry I was. He said that means nothing, that I'm not sorry, and I'm probably only sorry now because I got knocked up and have to admit to what happened. I let him know I would leave and that I had a hotel booked for a few days. I thought he'd be fine with it, but it almost seemed to make him more upset. He accused me of just running away, yet again. Then he assumed that I was going there so I could meet up with the other man. I told him no, that I just thought it might be better if we had some space since emotions are high, it's going to be really uncomfortable being in the house together right now, and I figured he probably wouldn't even want to look at me after this news. He was like "So you're going to go stay in a hotel and get covid? Then bring it back here to me on top of whatever else you've probably given me?" Then he asked me if it was just this guy or if it had been others too. I told him it was just this guy. I told him I'm sorry but I really want to go be alone right now, that this was a lot to handle and that I already have a whole bag of stuff, including disinfectants, to take to the hotel and that I'll be fine.

So I don't know how long I will be here. I booked the hotel for 3 nights just to give us time to cool off. I don't expect his attitude to change, but at least this will give us a small window to process things separately.

At about 1 in the morning he texted me. He asked if I was sure the babies weren't his. I felt so bad. I told him I'm sure and when I conceived and he knows we didn't have sex around the time at all. There is no chance they are his. I almost wish that they were just so that this situation might be a little easier to handle.I haven't talked to him since.

Look let's be honest here there is no situation in the world in which you (and your AP) can come off looking good here, you destroyed your marriage and your AP's marriage...and you clearly did the right thing in telling your husband first and gave him one of the worse news any spouse wants to hear. The best strategy here is to give him the easiest way out of this marriage, don't wait for him to file for divorce, do it for him....and take the blame....and if he wants to talk to the AP allow him to do that, he will want to vent and he should be willing to be allowed to do that and even go so far as to talk to AP"s spouse. There is absolutely no reason to hide that from him. Now you need to tell your AP and tell him that he may get a call from hubby as well, the AP is about to get a sh*t storm and he better be prepared to destroy his family life and accept that. Now as for your place to stay, time to call your family and find a place to stay for a while.

 

[Gabriel]

Good job telling your husband. You did the right thing. His reaction is 100% what I would have expected.

Note, he may begin to pick up the phone and start talking to his support people to let him know what is happening. He also may try to find the OM.

Thus, my advice would be to get ahead of this and talk to the OM ASAP.

 

[Gabriel]

Look let's be honest here there is no situation in the world in which you (and your AP) can come off looking good here, you destroyed your marriage and your AP's marriage...and you clearly did the right thing in telling your husband first and gave him one of the worse news any spouse wants to hear. The best strategy here is to give him the easiest way out of this marriage, don't wait for him to file for divorce, do it for him....and take the blame....and if he wants to talk to the AP allow him to do that, he will want to vent and he should be willing to be allowed to do that and even go so far as to talk to AP"s spouse. There is absolutely no reason to hide that from him. Now you need to tell your AP and tell him that he may get a call from hubby as well, the AP is about to get a sh*t storm and he better be prepared to destroy his family life and accept that. Now as for your place to stay, time to call your family and find a place to stay for a while.

I agree with everything up until the bolded. There is nothing good that can come from the H talking to the AP.

Other observations:

• Your H had a bad feeling about this guy all along. This is a lesson to all. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. I had a very similar experience with my wife. Thankfully, they never got physical because I caught it in time.
• The AP may attempt to discredit you. He may totally deny the affair to protect his marriage and family. BE READY FOR THAT. I mean, think about it. Some lady his wife doesn't know is claiming she's carrying his babies. He can be like, she's nutso, I haven't seen her since college. Don't ever contact me again, etc. While he denies denies denies behind your back.
• Now that your husband knows, you need to begin telling your closest confidants. You will need a support system like you've never needed in your LIFE.
• Assume there is no future with your H or your boyfriend. If your boyfriend leaves his wife for you, I'd be shocked.
  • If, though, his marriage does end, and he wants to try to make it work with you, just know. It won't be this happy la la land experience. It will be hard.

 

[FOB]

You know, I've never felt bad for a cheater, but I'm sorry for your situation. It seems like you're trying to do the right thing after months of doing all the wrong things. Good job telling your husband. Believing you've been cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world, as I experienced at one point in my marriage. Finding out that you were in fact cheated on is something I can't imagine, but all of his reactions are right in line with what I would expect. Best of luck to you.

 

[QuietRiot]

I think adoption can be a wonderful thing, but it is not something I'm considering in my situation. I want to raise my children. I'm a 30 year old woman with a good career and as long as things are divided somewhat equally in a divorce, which I'm sure at this point is going to happen, I will be able to afford to raise my children by myself even if it takes up almost all of my income. I can give them the love that they need and deserve and I know my family will love them as well. They can still have a good life with me. Even if I placed them for adoption (we aren't supposed to say things like "give up for adoption" these days because the wording is negative and hurtful), that can present a different set of problems for them. Adopted children often grow up and have many issues that stem from being "given away," no matter how great their adoptive families are. They will also definitely wonder about their biological parents and the circumstances surrounding their adoption. With DNA, social media, etc. it's very hard to keep everything a secret even with a closed adoption. I don't think I could do a closed adoption anyway - knowing my children were out there and not being able to know how they were doing and see them grow. I just couldn't do it.

Never for one moment have I thought about lying to my husband to make him think he was the father. Despite everything I've done, I think that is on a whole different level. I don't hate him. He's also not stupid and he'd be able to figure out that there is no way he could have impregnated me at the time they were conceived.

For all your faults and issues, you seem to be trying at least to turn a new leaf here, do the right thing given the context of your mistakes, take responsibility foe your actions and make the best choices concerning your children.

In my mind you are light years ahead of the usual cheaters and light years closer to leading a better life. I can’t say I have respect for you right now, but I at least feel you are doing what needs to be done and are beginning to turn your life around. I hope that you will true and decent from this point on, for the sake of your kids and yourself.

 

[Mybabysgotit]

I'll make a little bet that the AP runs as quick as he can from the situation (after he ****s himself of course). Distance is key for him

 

[Uriel]

Them poor children....them poor children! You use the word "confused", not sure of this or that. This will not end in a successful happy life. Sit down and make a plan after you share the glowing news with all parties evolved. Stick with the plan (of course there be some flexibility and changes as time goes on). You need to unravel this and press on, or you can keep going from therapist after therapist, and Ba Bam your 60 years old living in some apartment wondering WTF.

 

[Lostinthought61]

I'll make a little bet that the AP runs as quick as he can from the situation (after he ****s himself of course). Distance is key for him

he can run but he can't hide since he is the father, the courts will go after him for child support.