[marko polo]

Would exercise caution when you choose to inform your affair partner of the pregnancy. You should do it in front of witnesses, his wife and a few others. Your affair partner has the most to lose so he will be the one likely to be violent toward you. Your revelation will end his marriage and his family as he knows it. He will not look kindly on you and think you got pregnant on purpose.

As another has said you can leave your husband as last to know what you have done. You have already betrayed him and humiliated him in the worst way possible. One more small slight, being the last to know, won't make a difference.

As far as you finding another husband, you should give up this fantasy now. Single mothers are not in high demand much less any demand with eligible bachelors. Especially with your circumstances - adultery and children as a result. Those that do take an interest will be much like your friend/AP. They will be there to knock boots only. They will not have any interest in raising another mans children.

Hopefully you have enjoyed the fantasy life you lived at your husband's expense. What you will experience going forward will be far less pleasant. If you have a strong family support system you will be relying on them heavily.

Good luck

 

[QuietRiot]

Seriously... what’s with all the people saying nobody wants a single mom? I know tons of marriages where the man and woman took on kids not of their own and love them so much. Can we stop with the spinster dialogue?

OP has more important things to concern herself with than finding a new husband...like telling her current husband she is pregnant with someone else’s babies for instance. Yikes.

 

[Evinrude58]

There are men that will definitely marry a single mom. A single mom with twin infants? Likely not. No time for dating anyway. But if OP is attractive and not too hard to live with, there will definitely be some knight in shining armor come along. Young children are a hard sell. That’s a fact.

 

[Broken at 20]

Seriously... what’s with all the people saying nobody wants a single mom? I know tons of marriages where the man and woman took on kids not of their own and love them so much. Can we stop with the spinster dialogue?

OP has more important things to concern herself with than finding a new husband...like telling her current husband she is pregnant with someone else’s babies for instance. Yikes.

Well OP is 30.

Men in that age range that ARE single, generally want women without kids. Because they want to have their own kids. Not take care of someone else's. And you can argue with me all you want, but I can pull a bunch of statistics from google that will back me up.

Additionally, OP said she was career focused. I think she is going to want a certain caliber of man. And those men tend to be wanted by a lot of women. And those men are much more likely to pick a woman with no kids.

And the BIG elephant in the room: HOW those kids were made!
There are guys out there that will date single mothers.
But upon hearing that those twins are the product of an affair with a married man, and that those twins destroyed her first marriage, everyone will see RED FLAGS upon hearing that.

 

[Luckylucky]

And the BIG elephant in the room: HOW those kids were made!
There are guys out there that will date single mothers.
But upon hearing that those twins are the product of an affair with a married man, and that those twins destroyed her first marriage, everyone will see RED FLAGS upon hearing that.

This.

She could always try and hide the truth from everyone! Her affair partner, her husband, the twins, her future partners. Easy peasy...

I’m not recommending this, but people do tend to save their own skin sometimes. And take the easy way out for themselves. One secret, one lie, shhh, more secrets more lies.

 

[Torninhalf]

Wow this thread...Don’t get it twisted I hate it because of the infidelity and the lives that will forever be altered BUT the OP isn’t having an abortion which to some would make her “lower” yet she Is being bombarded with every single reason why a woman WOULD have an abortion. Social shunning, no chance of a decent man marrying her in the future etc. She should carry these babies but give them away? She should lie about their conception?
I am gobsmacked.

 

[QuietRiot]

Well OP is 30.

Men in that age range that ARE single, generally want women without kids. Because they want to have their own kids. Not take care of someone else's. And you can argue with me all you want, but I can pull a bunch of statistics from google that will back me up.

Additionally, OP said she was career focused. I think she is going to want a certain caliber of man. And those men tend to be wanted by a lot of women. And those men are much more likely to pick a woman with no kids.

And the BIG elephant in the room: HOW those kids were made!
There are guys out there that will date single mothers.
But upon hearing that those twins are the product of an affair with a married man, and that those twins destroyed her first marriage, everyone will see RED FLAGS upon hearing that.

We could open another post on the topic if you wanted, but here it’s irrelevant. She has bigger fry and this isn’t and shouldn’t even be a concern. 👍

OP I hope you let us know how the convo goes tonight with your husband!

 

[Broken at 20]

Wow this thread...Don’t get it twisted I hate it because of the infidelity and the lives that will forever be altered BUT the OP isn’t having an abortion which to some would make her “lower” yet she Is being bombarded with every single reason why a woman WOULD have an abortion. Social shunning, no chance of a decent man marrying her in the future etc. She should carry these babies but give them away? She should lie about their conception?
I am gobsmacked.

I merely gave her a realistic idea of what to expect based on the choices she had in front of her that were caused by her OWN decisions.
What should we tell her? That she can divorce, have these twins from an affair, and go live her awesome life? And that some day down the line, some super successful man will see her and definitely want to wife her up? And then she can live whatever kind of life she wants?
How realistic would that be!?
Life is hard! She might have to go back to work sooner she would like! Those medical bills might be way higher than insurance will cover! Her career might not be around forever!
Telling someone that everything is going to workout just fine is idiocy!

I'm personally gobsmacked (to use your own word) by the callous disregard of some posters on here for the collateral damage!
Like OP's husband? Some posters on here are saying tell him last because it doesn't concern him, or not to tell him at all! I have a sneaky feeling he would disagree with all those people!

 

[Torninhalf]

I merely gave her a realistic idea of what to expect based on the choices she had in front of her that were caused by her OWN decisions.
What should we tell her? That she can divorce, have these twins from an affair, and go live her awesome life? And that some day down the line, some super successful man will see her and definitely want to wife her up? And then she can live whatever kind of life she wants?
How realistic would that be!?
Life is hard! She might have to go back to work sooner she would like! Those medical bills might be way higher than insurance will cover! Her career might not be around forever!
Telling someone that everything is going to workout just fine is idiocy!

I'm personally gobsmacked (to use your own word) by the callous disregard of some posters on here for the collateral damage!
Like OP's husband? Some posters on here are saying tell him last because it doesn't concern him, or not to tell him at all! I have a sneaky feeling he would disagree with all those people!

Well I for one am not disregarding the collateral damage. I even pointed that out. I believe you suggested she lie. If you don’t see that some of the things she is being told is exactly the reason women have abortions in situations like this is sad. Again for clarification I hate the entire scenario...the pain so many will experience. I guess for clarification I also hate when people talk out of both sides of their mouths.

 

[Cici1990]

So maybe it's just me, but maybe it's better for OP to...not tell the kids she was married? She can just leave that out entirely? And maybe...when they're old enough to understand, say the father was a ONS? Or something else? She'll have plenty of time to think of something.

I mean...maybe this is a situation where lying is better? Because telling some kids the way in which they were conceived destroyed one marriage potentially two, and wrought untold damage to a lot of innocent people, like the BH, and the BW and children of the other marriage, might not be the best way to go...
On a side note OP, since I assume you're not drinking since you're pregnant, might be a good idea to just never bring alcohol back into the house. One less thing for the kids to be tempted by when they get older.

I don't think doing any more lying will make the situation better and I worry that it will only hurt my children further in the future when they inevitably find out the truth. I'm not looking forward to coming clean, but I think it will be harder to keep adding more lies to the mix in the long term. I'm currently lying in bed because I can't bring myself to face my husband to have this conversation that's about to ruin his life.

And no I'm definitely not drinking right now. I'm not much of a drinker and the only reason we ever really have alcohol in the house is because of my husband.

 

[Cici1990]

So you messed up. You can't change what you've done, but you can change your actions going forward. You seem genuinely contrite, which is a good thing. Tell your hubby and face the consequences. Tell the OM, and make sure his wife gets the straight scoop. She deserves that. At this point you have option to give half-truths and trickle out information, or lay it all on the line and get it over with. I'd recommend the latter.

I don't know his wife and have none of her contact info. I'm not sure how I'll be able to know that he's told her the full story unless I go to their house and knock on the door. Something tells me that won't be a good idea.

 

[Cici1990]

You have been with your BH for a long time and even though it hasn’t always been unicorns and rainbows, I’m sure there were many good years and that your lives are very intertwined with your friends and families. This is going to be a very emotional and heartbreaking conversation.

You probably think your BH doesn’t care about you because he didn’t want to do counseling and of course you have all the chemicals that come with sneaking around with a married man, which led you to believe your husband stopped caring but I’m pretty sure your BH is going to take this very hard. But Telling him first is the right thing to do.

OM is next. Even though you don’t really have much of a relationship, the conversations is also going to very emotional. Don’t be surprised by an accusatory type of response. But in the other hand Do not accept to be a secret for a time while he prepares to leave his wife. MANY married men future fake their OW to string them along with talk of needing time to keep to divorce their wife.

BTW that line about OM having a dead bedroom so so cliche . Do not buy it.

There have been plenty of good times. There are reasons that neither of us has been able to completely give up on our relationship. Even though I was having this other relationship, I still couldn't move forward with a divorce. I can't put into words why. I know he still cares about me in some way. We might not be in love with each other any longer, but I don't think he'lb be expecting this at all.

I don't know when I'll tell the OM. I can't wait long but I just haven't even thought about how that will go at this point. I'm far more concerned with telling my husband.

 

[Casual Observer]

If I was a guessing man, the OM will try everything in his power to save his marriage, and push OP to get an abortion, and lie to his wife about getting OP pregnant. He'll lie, gaslight, and do whatever it takes to keep his marriage intact.

Which is why I think it's especially important she tell her husband first, before her AP. Sweeping this under the rug, pretending it never happened... that's a possibility as frightening as any of the others (and that's saying something).

The husband, her husband, needs to know first. They are still married; her responsibility is to the person she married FIRST. She can't know for sure how things will play out, but the only person here deserving of things playing out "best" for is her husband. And "best" here is setting a remarkably-low bar.

 

[OddOne]

Not going to lecture, speculate on what will or will not happen. Though I do believe you should tell everyone concerned in as calm a manner and in as safe of an environment as possible. Hopefully everyone can be mature and civil in the end and that the twins, if you decide to stick with your decision to have them, are put first. Good luck.

 

[Casual Observer]

He'll have to find a way.

I really hope you have a strong support system OP, you're in for a world of pain going forward. The heartache you're about to unleash on so many innocent people cannot be understated.

My heart breaks for those poor babies, I can't imagine having to live with knowing that I was the product of an affair that tore apart two families, and ruined countless lives.

I think, at the time the children are ready for that story, OP will have hopefully turned her life around and be able to explain that she made a terrible, terrible mistake with tragic consequences to others, but for the Grace of God (or substitute the Holy Hamster if you wish, whatever) something wonderful and beautiful did come from it, which is those two amazing kids. And it will be important to let them know that those things she did will stay with her for the rest of her life, reminding her of how important a moral compass is. Just as her love for her twins will never wane.

 

[QuietRiot]

I don't think doing any more lying will make the situation better and I worry that it will only hurt my children further in the future when they inevitably find out the truth. I'm not looking forward to coming clean, but I think it will be harder to keep adding more lies to the mix in the long term. I'm currently lying in bed because I can't bring myself to face my husband to have this conversation that's about to ruin his life.

And no I'm definitely not drinking right now. I'm not much of a drinker and the only reason we ever really have alcohol in the house is because of my husband.

Strength and fortitude, you need to do this. If I can give you advice, tell him the facts and if he wants to know more, then let him know. If he gets emotional or overwhelmed, give him the space to process this and let him know you are open to speak to him if and when he is ready for more information. There’s no reason to hide anything at this point so please don’t.

 

[Broken at 20]

I think, at the time the children are ready for that story, OP will have hopefully turned her life around and be able to explain that she made a terrible, terrible mistake with tragic consequences to others, but for the Grace of God (or substitute the Holy Hamster if you wish, whatever) something wonderful and beautiful did come from it, which is those two amazing kids. And it will be important to let them know that those things she did will stay with her for the rest of her life, reminding her of how important a moral compass is. Just as her love for her twins will never wane.

So maybe this is something that the forum can explain to me, because perhaps I am too personally connected to this to see it.
But why is it good to tell these kids, at the appropriate age, about their parentage?
If we assume the POSOM wants nothing to do with them (which I think is a pretty safe bet, given what we know), and that OP has to raise them herself (because it's pretty safe to assume her BH will want nothing to do with them), why tell them everything?
I personally think those kids will feel guilty. That their conception ruined the marriage, potentially two. Even if if they're told that they didn't, that will still be in their mind. Plus they're going to have to deal with the fact that their father never wanted them (which is its own hurdle). I don't see how telling them everything is going to help the or serve them, other than act as some way for OP to outset some guilt she'll probably have?

ETA: as a product of an affair, I honestly wish I had never found out. Sure, my relationship with my parents was already horrifically strained when everything came out, but if I could go back in time, I wish I had never taken the paternity test. I'd rather the ignorance than the truth regarding this.

 

[QuietRiot]

So maybe this is something that the forum can explain to me, because perhaps I am too personally connected to this to see it.
But why is it good to tell these kids, at the appropriate age, about their parentage?
If we assume the POSOM wants nothing to do with them (which I think is a pretty safe bet, given what we know), and that OP has to raise them herself (because it's pretty safe to assume her BH will want nothing to do with them), why tell them everything?
I personally think those kids will feel guilty. That their conception ruined the marriage, potentially two. Even if if they're told that they didn't, that will still be in their mind. Plus they're going to have to deal with the fact that their father never wanted them (which is its own hurdle). I don't see how telling them everything is going to help the or serve them, other than act as some way for OP to outset some guilt she'll probably have?

Im not trying to be trite here, but do you have kids? Because mine ask me all kinds of details about how they were born, who they look like, who their relatives are, why they were in the same belly, how do kids look like their dads but not their mom and vice versa. Kids want to know things. All the things. And if there is no dad in the picture they’re going to want to know why and what happened at some point. If he is in the picture, they’ll want to know why they aren’t together. What happened, why don’t they have the same parents as their sibling.

With kids, age appropriate truth is always the best thing and the right thing to do in my opinion and I think the OP is correct in that. Obviously there have to be conversations about why this isn’t their fault and those need to be had from the beginning as children do tend to internalize.

 

[frusdil]

So maybe it's just me, but maybe it's better for OP to...not tell the kids she was married? She can just leave that out entirely? And maybe...when they're old enough to understand, say the father was a ONS? Or something else? She'll have plenty of time to think of something.

I mean...maybe this is a situation where lying is better? Because telling some kids the way in which they were conceived destroyed one marriage potentially two, and wrought untold damage to a lot of innocent people, like the BH, and the BW and children of the other marriage, might not be the best way to go...

I respectfully disagree. Lies are never good in circumstances like this, the truth ALWAYS comes out. Those babies have a right to know their father, telling them he was a ONS would be depriving them of that right.

 

[colingrant]

but I didn't intend for it to happen. I didn't plan out an affair ahead of time.
One recommendation I’d make is delete the above from your affair narrative.

Out of 100 affairs, one or two affairs are intentional. The phrase above is an effeort to soften or lessen your shame, but it’s at the expense of your husbands intellect.

In crystal clear language, having an affair unintentionally did not dissuade you by any measure from allowing another man to bareback you on a regular basis. You were willing to incur the risk at the behest of everyone.

It’s important to take complete ownership here. Own it. Take responsibility for it. Don’t ihide behind birth control as everyone knows it’s not 100% effective. You were willing to be impregnated by another man.

Additionally, birth control doesn’t prevent sexually transmitted disease. The depth of your betrayal can also be measured equally by the amount of disrespect and dishonor you’ve imparted on your husband.

Some sexually transmitted disease are incurable. You not only risked pregnancy which imparts unbelievable emotional damage upon your husband and your AP's wife, you also chose to risk your husband's physical health.

I encourage you to remove any words expressing unintended consequences because you were 100% aware of the consequences and deep collateral damage. You may have been only thinking of you, but you knew the costs, which is why you went to such lengths to keep it secret.

Multiple marriages, families, homes and even your unborn twins’ lives will be shaped by the infidelity since there biological father is married to another woman and has a family of his own. The twins will know eventually see the overlap between their birth and you possible divorce.

Sex, bareback and pregnant .... you pretty much imposed the worst emasculation and humiliation a man can possibly bear. Should he stay with you, your husband will for all intent will be a traumatized patient requiring significant therapy after losing his wife, esteem, confidence and soul while having to raise another man's child to remain with you.