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I have something to confess that I'm very ashamed of. This is something that I haven't been able to share with anyone in my life. I've just read everything I wrote and realized that it's really long, so I apologize....

I'm 30 years old and have been married to my husband for 7 years. Over the past 6 months we have sort of been doing an unofficial separation while we attempt to work on our marriage. Originally, I had wanted to salvage our relationship. We have gone to marriage counseling, but he sort of quit half way through because he "didn't have time" but claims he still wants to save our marriage. I am having a hard time completely letting go of the relationship. I think we both are for some unknown reason. At this time we are still legally married and living together, but it's often more like a roommate situation. These days, I feel that even if we were to resume counseling, we may just simply want different things in life and be too different as people to really have a successful marriage no matter how hard we work on it.

In the meantime, I began a relationship with another man. My husband doesn't know about it. I honestly thought it would be more of a fling, which I suppose it is, but it's just been going on for months now. This man is someone who I am friends with. We used to be pretty good friends in college and then we drifted apart but remained in touch. He's married and has been having issues in his relationship too, but they were never separated. We began having what is essentially an affair about 4 months ago, but if I'm perfectly honest we were probably having an emotional affair for a few months prior to that. I feel really guilty about it. I'm not proud of doing this. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone, even my closest friends. You're probably asking why I don't just stop seeing him if I feel so bad about it. He's become my main support person. I feel that he and I have so much more in common than me and my husband. We have similar values, goals, interests, and so on. I feel my husband and I married so young and our relationship was based on things that really aren't so important to me now. The relationship I have with this other man is so much more fulfilling.

I recently found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on birth control (Depo shot), but we have had unprotected sex. My husband isn't the father. We have had sex over the past 6 months, but very infrequently and definitely not within the time frame that I became pregnant. I had no idea how far along I was until I had an ultrasound yesterday when I found out not only am I now 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant, but I'm expecting twins. Twins aren't the most shocking thing for me since my maternal grandmother has a fraternal twin and my brothers are fraternal twins. However, it's just a lot to take in.
I have not told anyone about the pregnancy. I know I want to have these babies. I'm not getting any younger. I don't think there is any way for my marriage to survive this. How long might it take for me to have space from the marriage, begin to date again, eventually marry again possibly, and then have children? I'm not sure I want to wait that long.
I am not sure how to break this news to my husband. I'm not sure how to break the news to the father. I feel such an incredible amount of guilt because of our relationship, but this makes it so much worse. I feel so bad for doing this to his family. I think that is the main thing that sometimes makes me second guess having these babies. This will affect his wife and daughter far more than just our having a relationship.

I just needed to share this with someone. I want some honest feedback and advice please. I don't think there's anything that anyone can possbly say that will not be as bad as things I've already thought about myself, so I can take some honesty.
 

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Tell him as soon as you can. Then he can decide what he wants to do. Also, your affair partner needs to step up to the mark. Man enough to help make babies, he's going to have to be man enough to help support them.
 

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Here are a few insights and questions ...

You have been married for six years. Any children from that marriage? If the answer is "no" to that, why? What exactly were you and your husband waiting for?, because to me, it demonstrates lack of commitment towards the marriage and a "one foot in, one foot out" approach.

You need to analyze your own behavior a bit and engage in some self-reflection. You kept a correspondence going with a guy who was an obvious romantic interest throughout your entire marriage. He was your backup plan, and was always one fight away from your husband to be back in your life. That isn't good. It demonstrates lack of commitment from the very start.

Obviously, the marriage is over. What is your husband going to do when he finds out? What is this guy's wife going to do when she finds out her husband knocked up another woman? There could be serious drama and maybe violence. What if the wife comes after you?

I've never told anyone to consider abortion, but this is a total catastrophe on all kinds of levels.The father of the twins isn't going to be there for you or your kids--they will grow up fatherless. Your husband will immediately file for divorce and the judge isn't going to look kindly on this. You will be a single mother living on limited income. I wish I had an answer here
 

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I thought that separation is for both parties to figure out if they want to work on the marriage and see if the absence makes the heart grow fonder but it seems like way to many people use it immediately jump in bed with other people. But you made the problem much worse by screwing with a married man.

do you have kids with your husband?
You might as well just rip the bandage of and tell your husband the truth. What sucks for your husband is that the courts will not allow him to divorce while your pregnant. They will assume it is his.

as for the other man, he very likely is not going to leave his wife. Despite what he may have filled your head up while he pursued them draws, he just saw you as easy sex. Nothing like a new vag to get a guy to put on the charm but when the reality of the situation hits, he’s going to freak out and probably accuse you of getting pregnant on purpose.

man, this could turn out to be a double home wrecking situation.
 

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I just reread your post, that you’re having an unofficial in house separation. This makes it even worse. Also the fact that you admit that the EA part started months before the 4 month long PA. Does your BH know about this separation? Or is this a one side agreement?

be honest here, did you ask for the separation so you could test drive this guy without guilt? If you want help and guidance you have to keep it real. Your BH is going to think this is nothing but straight up adultery. Not that it really matters, I highly doubt he going to stay and raise another man’s kids
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Here are a few insights and questions ...

You have been married for six years. Any children from that marriage? If the answer is "no" to that, why? What exactly were you and your husband waiting for?, because to me, it demonstrates lack of commitment towards the marriage and a "one foot in, one foot out" approach.

You need to analyze your own behavior a bit and engage in some self-reflection. You kept a correspondence going with a guy who was an obvious romantic interest throughout your entire marriage. He was your backup plan, and was always one fight away from your husband to be back in your life. That isn't good. It demonstrates lack of commitment from the very start.

Obviously, the marriage is over. What is your husband going to do when he finds out? What is this guy's wife going to do when she finds out her husband knocked up another woman? There could be serious drama and maybe violence. What if the wife comes after you?

I've never told anyone to consider abortion, but this is a total catastrophe on all kinds of levels.The father of the twins isn't going to be there for you or your kids--they will grow up fatherless. Your husband will immediately file for divorce and the judge isn't going to look kindly on this. You will be a single mother living on limited income. I wish I had an answer here
My husband and I don't have any children. We married not too long after graduating college and decided to focus on our careers. We had originally planned to start a family around this time - when we were 29/30 years old. We've talked about it over the past 2 years and gone back and forth about it, but our marriage hasn't been in the best shape for about that long as well. I think we both realized that having a baby would probably only make things worse.

The other man hasn't always been a romantic interest. I've always known that I found him attractive and that we got along, but there was never anything between us before recently. If I've been keeping him on the back burner this whole time, it certainly wasn't a conscious thing.

I'm not sure how either spouse will react. My husband isn't prone to violence, so I don't fear for my physical safety. I am still sick to my stomach over telling him. I was thinking of telling him yesterday, but he ended up inviting his brother over in the evening and they were carrying on until night and I gave up and went to bed. I'm hoping to tell him today and am just trying to work myself up to it and figure out what I'm going to say. I don't know how he'll react. I know it won't go over well - there's nothing I can say that will make it ok. I just don't know how bad the fallout will be. I don't know the other man's wife well at all so I can't begin to imagine how he reaction will be. Obviously she won't know until I tell him and I'm not sure when that'll happen. I feel I owe it to my husband to tell him first...anyone think otherwise for some reason I might not be thinking of? I never pictured her coming after me, but I guess I can't know for sure.

I don't think you can say for sure that the twins' father won't be involved with them. We've done something that is wrong, but he's not a bad person. He may decide that he wants nothing to do with the situation whatsoever idk.
 

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This is why when people want to “work on the marriage” in the absence of abuse or dangerously high in hostility, it is almost always better to remain together in the marital home.

She was “working on the marriage” by further developing a relationship with and getting down with some other guy.

This is not an isolated incident. When people are in their own homes and conducting their own life while physically separated, they also tend to move on with other people, even while attending MC meetings supposedly to work on the marriage.

This should not be a surprise to anyone.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I thought that separation is for both parties to figure out if they want to work on the marriage and see if the absence makes the heart grow fonder but it seems like way to many people use it immediately jump in bed with other people. But you made the problem much worse by screwing with a married man.

does he have kids with his wife? As for you, do you have kids with your husband?
You might as well just rip the bandage of and tell your husband the truth. What sucks for your husband is that the courts will not allow him to divorce while your pregnant. They will assume it is his.

as for the other man, he very likely is not going to leave his wife. Despite what he may have filled your head up while he pursued them draws, he just saw you as easy sex. Nothing like a new vag to get a guy to put on the charm but when the reality of the situation hits, he’s going to freak out and probably accuse you of getting pregnant on purpose.

man I hope both marriages had no kids, this could turn out to be a double home wrecking situation.
The separation wasn't intended as an excuse to be with other people. I take full responsibility for the relationship with the other man, but I didn't intend for it to happen. I didn't plan out an affair ahead of time. We had been talking, definitely beyond the conversations of casual friends, for a few months prior to anything physical happening. That alone was wrong and I should have stopped in right there. Then the first time we had sex I still didn't envision it being something we were going to continue doing long term, but that's what we did. I allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper into this affair and I know I made all those choices.

The the other man does have a 3 year old daughter with his wife. My husband and I have no children.

I've been researching divorce and custody here and you're right - we can begin the divorce proceedings while I'm pregnant, but we can't finalize anything until after the birth and paternity is established.
 

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Well clearly you have to tell your hb and the marriage is probably over.

The father has to know and his wife will make her decisions.

Just keep in mind as you romanticize how much you and this guy share values one of those values is cheating on your spouse. In his case throw a daughter into the mix.

Doesn't seem like the basis for a good, lasting relationship.
 

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The separation wasn't intended as an excuse to be with other people. I take full responsibility for the relationship with the other man, but I didn't intend for it to happen. I didn't plan out an affair ahead of time. We had been talking, definitely beyond the conversations of casual friends, for a few months prior to anything physical happening. That alone was wrong and I should have stopped in right there. Then the first time we had sex I still didn't envision it being something we were going to continue doing long term, but that's what we did. I allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper into this affair and I know I made all those choices.

The the other man does have a 3 year old daughter with his wife. My husband and I have no children.

I've been researching divorce and custody here and you're right - we can begin the divorce proceedings while I'm pregnant, but we can't finalize anything until after the birth and paternity is established.

But screwing a married man was ok if it was short term?

Please do some self reflection. Your children will need the best version of you.
 

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I just reread your post, that you’re having an unofficial in house separation. This makes it even worse. Also the fact that you admit that the EA part started months before the 4 month long PA. Does your BH know about this separation? Or is this a one side agreement?

be honest here, did you ask for the separation so you could test drive this guy without guilt? If you want help and guidance you have to keep it real. Your BH is going to think this is nothing but straight up adultery. Not that it really matters, I highly doubt he going to stay and raise another man’s kids
We both agreed to try to give each other some space, but we are still living together. We haven't even told other people that we're officially unofficially separated but not all the way. We never discussed seeing other people during the "separation." I really thought that we might be able to work on our marriage, but then I got sidetracked by the relationship with this other guy. I still have plenty of guilt, regardless of the state of my marriage at the time.
 

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This is why when people want to “work on the marriage” in the absence of abuse or dangerously high in hostility, it is almost always better to remain together in the marital home.

She was “working on the marriage” by further developing a relationship with and getting down with some other guy.

This is not an isolated incident. When people are in their own homes and conducting their own life while physically separated, they also tend to move on with other people, even while attending MC meetings supposedly to work on the marriage.

This should not be a surprise to anyone.
My husband and I have been living in the same home together this whole time, but leading somewhat separate lives. We still interact and occasionally do things together, but not like before.
 

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We both agreed to try to give each other some space, but we are still living together. We haven't even told other people that we're officially unofficially separated but not all the way. We never discussed seeing other people during the "separation." I really thought that we might be able to work on our marriage, but then I got sidetracked by the relationship with this other guy. I still have plenty of guilt, regardless of the state of my marriage at the time.
I'ts good that you have no kids in your current marriage. Your husband may simply wash his hands of the situation, and the divorce will be quick. Any property that is owned by both of you will be sold off and the proceeds divided.

The problem is on the other end. The BF will be on the hook for child support, and the twins will have a legal claim on his estate. This impacts the kids he had with his wife, and her as well. The public humiliation is another thing to consider. The guy's family will be completely wrecked, and his children will likely have hatred for him going forward.

I know, my dad did something similar. Didn't get a woman pregnant, but cheated and wrecked the home. Later on he spent loads of money on the other woman, and even wrote her into his will. I never forgave him for any of it.

Now he might end up divorcing his wife and marrying you --but where does that leave his kids?
 

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Lets put aside all your flowery prose and look at things as they really are.
You were cheating on your husband with a married man and now you’re pregnant. With twins.
End of narrative.
 

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What kind of advice are you expecting? Or even wanting?

And what are you expecting the rest of your life to look like?
I don't see your husband ever getting over this, especially if you have the kids. The OM, the father, who has his own children and wife, also, does not want you. And doesn't love you. So those two men will want to stay far away.
Any future man will probably probe about the kids, so how will you explain the situation? Just lie about it? Tell him the truth? Do you think any man worth his salt is going to stick around when he hears the story?

And there is also what you tell the kids as they grow up.
As the product of an affair myself, I didn't learn the truth until I was in my 20's. Now the relationship with my family was already strained, but it killed what little was left with all my family.
So, how do you tell the kids? When do you tell the kids? What do you tell the kids?

If you asking for advice, as a pro-choice supporter, I'd tell you to get an abortion, accept your marriage is dead and over, end it, and try to move on with your life. And invest heavily in counseling.
Because if you want to have the traditional family (husband, wife, kids), the likelihood of you getting it with twins born out of an affair during a 'married but separated' period is probably the same as me winning the lottery.
 

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I'ts good that you have no kids in your current marriage. Your husband may simply wash his hands of the situation, and the divorce will be quick. Any property that is owned by both of you will be sold off and the proceeds divided.

The problem is on the other end. The BF will be on the hook for child support, and the twins will have a legal claim on his estate. This impacts the kids he had with his wife, and her as well. The public humiliation is another thing to consider. The guy's family will be completely wrecked, and his children will likely have hatred for him going forward.

I know, my dad did something similar. Didn't get a woman pregnant, but cheated and wrecked the home. Later on he spent loads of money on the other woman, and even wrote her into his will. I never forgave him for any of it.

Now he might end up divorcing his wife and marrying you --but where does that leave his kids?
Well the divorce won't be that quick since it can't be finalized until after the babies are born and paternity is established. For that, I'm sorry. I didn't know that until I started researching it the other day. I'm still not 100% sure how it all works. By default my husband will be considered the legal father since we're required to stay married until after the birth. I will be seeking legal advice on this, but after I get through just telling both men or at the very least my husband.

The other man and I have never discussed leaving our spouses to be with each other. I've thought of it plenty, but I don't know if that's even what I would want. I feel very confused and unsure about a lot of things right now. What we've done is bad enough, and now bringing 2 babies into it, but when I think about him potentially leaving his family (mainly his daughter) to be with me and our shared children it makes me feel really bad. From the little girl's perspective, her dad would be choosing our children over her no matter how involved with her he is. I can imagine him staying with his wife, if she doesn't leave him over it, for his daughter if nothing else.
 
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