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So she would literally forgive you for sleeping with someone because she “loves you” that much, but if she said she couldn’t forgive you if you betray her… that’s going affect how much you love her? 🤔

Ok I won’t threadjack anymore. You do you.
Yes. By the way I would have forgiven her too.

I am very happy that we both see our marriage as something so strong that can survive one time affair. Obviously an affair is tragedy, it brings a lot of pain. But strong marriage should be able to withstand it. It is like a ship that should crumble with the first strong storm.
 

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Again, I believe strong marriages can withstand one time betrayal. And I am very happy my wife would forgive me if I had such one time mistake. I would feel very different about our marriage and it would affect my love for her if she told me it is over if I have any affair. Obviously affairs are different and some are easier to forgive than others.
I find your perspective on this both simplistic / childlike / naïve - and simultaneously toxic and devoid of integrity.

An affair is not a mistake, it is a choice. A disrespectful, contemptful, destructive choice.

Blanket forgiveness of something as egregious as a marital/sexual betrayal is not a show of love, it’s an indication of neediness, weakness and a lack of personal dignity.

It is a deep betrayal. You even use the word betrayal number of times, but do not seem to have any understanding of the implications of that word.

“only strong marriages can survive a betrayal“ is a foolish statement.
If one spouse is willing to consciously and brutally betray their partner and violate one of the core primary vows of their relationship, the marriage was NOT strong.
 

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I’ve read so many men recommend that the husband bail when wife cheats. However, that advice isn’t given when the man cheats . People tell the woman to “ porn it up”, lose weight, pay attention to husband rather than the kids. I call bs. Why is it end game if woman cheats but normal for a guy? Personally? Cheat once or get caught trying and I’m gone. No discussion . Game over.
I've advised a lot of women to leave if they can.

I definitely disagree with the "porn it up" advice.😡
 

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I personally believe that true happy marriages can overcome an affair from either wife or a husband. People who love each other can forgive. If you are ready to give up your marriage and your love because if just one mistake then you do not love your parnter.
Truly happy marriages don't involve infidelity BTW.

P.S. I will always love my wife for my entire life but would not remain married if she had an affair unless it was specific circumstances.
 

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I find your perspective on this both simplistic / childlike / naïve - and simultaneously toxic and devoid of integrity.

An affair is not a mistake, it is a choice. A disrespectful, contemptful, destructive choice.

Blanket forgiveness of something as egregious as a marital/sexual betrayal is not a show of love, it’s an indication of neediness, weakness and a lack of personal dignity.

It is a deep betrayal. You even use the word betrayal number of times, but do not seem to have any understanding of the implications of that word.

“only strong marriages can survive a betrayal“ is a foolish statement.
If one spouse is willing to consciously and brutally betray their partner and violate one of the core primary vows of their relationship, the marriage was NOT strong.
No, you are wrong. There are no marriages with absolutely no flaws or mistakes. I love my wife. But there have been few instances when I said something bad to her. It was said in a moment, I regret it a lot. Should now my wife adopt a "zero fault" policy and divorce me because I said few times in our 25 years of marriage something bad or hurtful? So what if now instead of saying something bad I had one time fling? What's fundamentally different?

No, strong marriage and true love carry forgiveness. Without forgiveness there is no love.
 

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No, you are wrong. There are no marriages with absolutely no flaws or mistakes. I love my wife. But there have been few instances when I said something bad to her. It was said in a moment, I regret it a lot. Should now my wife adopt a "zero fault" policy and divorce me because I said few times in our 25 years of marriage something bad or hurtful? So what if now instead of saying something bad I had one time fling? What's fundamentally different?

No strong marriage and true love carry forgiveness. Without forgiveness there is no love.
There is some truth in what you say.

Conversely, there is also no love without respect for boundaries.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk
 

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No, you are wrong. There are no marriages with absolutely no flaws or mistakes. I love my wife. But there have been few instances when I said something bad to her. It was said in a moment, I regret it a lot. Should now my wife adopt a "zero fault" policy and divorce me because I said few times in our 25 years of marriage something bad or hurtful? So what if now instead of saying something bad I had one time fling? What's fundamentally different?

No, strong marriage and true love carry forgiveness. Without forgiveness there is no love.
Wait, are you seriously equating saying some mean words now and then to your spouse - with having an affair with another person which betrays them romantically and sexually, breaking all the core tenants of your marital commitment to each other? Really?
 

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There’s currently a poster here who can’t be bothered being married or putting in an effort, and his wife is actually telling him why she won’t have sex, and what she needs to have sex… and he still can’t be bothered. And I’m stunned by some of the advice from the men he’s getting. She’s clearly telling him and he makes zero effort. Yes there is sadly a double standard for affairs and dead bedrooms. I too see that women have it much harder. Yes, in some ways, we’re really just taught to porn it up, no matter how little emotional effort the man is putting in
 

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Again, I believe strong marriages can withstand one time betrayal. And I am very happy my wife would forgive me if I had such one time mistake. I would feel very different about our marriage and it would affect my love for her if she told me it is over if I have any affair. Obviously affairs are different and some are easier to forgive than others.
Sooooooo.......

It sounds like you are preparing for your one mistake. Like you've got your mistake picked out a ready to go. Then you can go tell your wife you made your 1 mistake after you are done having sex with the mistake.
 

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There’s currently a poster here who can’t be bothered being married or putting in an effort, and his wife is actually telling him why she won’t have sex, and what she needs to have sex… and he still can’t be bothered. And I’m stunned by some of the advice from the men he’s getting. She’s clearly telling him and he makes zero effort. Yes there is sadly a double standard for affairs and dead bedrooms. I too see that women have it much harder. Yes, in some ways, we’re really just taught to porn it up, no matter how little emotional effort the man is putting in
Somehow I've missed these threads - both infidelity and dead bedroom. I see the same advice being given to both men and women, especially from the TAM regulars. That doesn't mean there aren't women hating assholes and men hating feminists here. Those are the ones that typically stick out.

Problem is every time one of these man hating threads pop up and a question like, "why is it different for men compared to women?" It will be in reference to maybe 1-2 threads and maybe 1-3 men are making the bad comments.

Maybe.


But then somehow all the men are giving women bad advice to stay with their cheating husbands....... yeah, not buying it.

I do however notice a very interesting pattern in the dead bedroom threads. We tend to "police our own" here. I despise all spouses that create dead bedrooms they are terrible and selfish and probably shouldn't have gotten married if they can't have sex with their spouse. But do you know the ones that I despise the most? The men. Men that can't properly F their wives. Wives that want sex and go out of their way to get some from their husbands. I can't stand these men. In fact, I don't consider them men at all. I hammer on these men far more than the women that cause dead bedrooms. And you know what? I see the same thing from women. Women that have suffered from dead bedrooms tend to be far more harsh on women that create dead bedrooms.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
Again, I believe strong marriages can withstand one time betrayal. And I am very happy my wife would forgive me if I had such one time mistake. I would feel very different about our marriage and it would affect my love for her if she told me it is over if I have any affair. Obviously affairs are different and some are easier to forgive than others.
Good for you. I’d be extremely happy and content to kick my cheating husbands ass out after affair #1
 

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Wait, are you seriously equating saying some mean words now and then to your spouse - with having an affair with another person which betrays them romantically and sexually, breaking all the core tenants of your marital commitment to each other? Really?
As a person whose life has been ripped apart due to infidelity, it blows my mind how people are so casual about the concept. Ignorance is bliss I guess.

As to @romantic_dreamer; enjoy the fact you have no idea what you’re talking about. Really. You’re quite lucky to not have experienced being cheated on.
 

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There’s currently a poster here who can’t be bothered being married or putting in an effort, and his wife is actually telling him why she won’t have sex, and what she needs to have sex… and he still can’t be bothered. And I’m stunned by some of the advice from the men he’s getting. She’s clearly telling him and he makes zero effort. Yes there is sadly a double standard for affairs and dead bedrooms. I too see that women have it much harder. Yes, in some ways, we’re really just taught to porn it up, no matter how little emotional effort the man is putting in
An opinion formed based on one poster. Sounds like confirmation bias to me; wanting to believe women are always the victims therefore looking for evidence to support that bias. I think the advice here has been pretty standard. It is almost like bots are responding with canned lines. Then again some people love self-pity.
 

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An opinion formed based on one poster. Sounds like confirmation bias to me; wanting to believe women are always for victims therefore looking for evidence to support that bias. I think the advice here has been pretty standard. It is almost like bots are responding with canned lines. Then again some people love self-pity.
On the contrary. I won’t support a woman behaving badly.
 

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what about the poster that had an affair but it stopped short of sex , for me the fact they did not get to the sex has little difference ,as trust is broken and affection had moved , I still call it cheating ,
 
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There’s currently a poster here who can’t be bothered being married or putting in an effort, and his wife is actually telling him why she won’t have sex, and what she needs to have sex… and he still can’t be bothered. And I’m stunned by some of the advice from the men he’s getting. She’s clearly telling him and he makes zero effort. Yes there is sadly a double standard for affairs and dead bedrooms. I too see that women have it much harder. Yes, in some ways, we’re really just taught to porn it up, no matter how little emotional effort the man is putting in
/QUOTE]
I'm not saying who is right or wrong, I didn't read the thread you are referring to and don't care to, but.....

Once you start "telling someone what they need to do" when it comes to the topic of sex, then its already reached the point of "over.".. Once sex becomes transactional, or lacks spontaneity and raw energy, then its lost its value......To me, anyway...I know many may differ, but that's my stance on it...

Anyway, the genders will never seem to see any equity, when it comes to some of this stuff...Everyone thinks the other side has it easier or their side is more victimized...
 

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Once sex becomes transactional, or lacks spontaneity and raw energy, then its lost its value.....
life is not as movies no more than porn is a good for sex ed,
One study looked at exactly this, finding that of the top 25 video rentals in 1998, unmarried partners represented 85 percent of sexual behaviour compared to 15 percent for married couples. And which do you think were more likely to be engaging in steamy, spontaneous sexual intercourse?

So it’s no surprise that when we compare our real life long-term relationship to these heady scenes we might find them somewhat lacking. Particularly when it comes to spontaneous sex.

It kind of come back all so to if MY WIFE is dressed up extra sexy is sex spontaneous or planned

Sorry in real life a couple don't dress up for dinner every evening and while we work in work ware and when we get in at night have a shower , 99 times out of a hundred we just dress in something clean and not in sexy lingerie and me in shirt and tie , we go to bed and have children in the house so don't have to much sexual undertones while looking at tv or what ever we are diong before going to bed , we still have good sex and I would saw our sex life is better now than ever ,

lack of spontaneous sex is no reason for cheating
 
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No, you are wrong. There are no marriages with absolutely no flaws or mistakes. I love my wife. But there have been few instances when I said something bad to her. It was said in a moment, I regret it a lot. Should now my wife adopt a "zero fault" policy and divorce me because I said few times in our 25 years of marriage something bad or hurtful? So what if now instead of saying something bad I had one time fling? What's fundamentally different?

No, strong marriage and true love carry forgiveness. Without forgiveness there is no love.
I could forgive a drunken one night stand (maybe), but a long term affair? No. There is a limit to what you can forgive.
 

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I could forgive a drunken one night stand (maybe), but a long term affair? No. There is a limit to what you can forgive.
for me the lying and braking trust would be the worst for me the sex not as much
 
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