affair prevention

If you even have to ask yourself any of those questions in the orig post, then there's an obvious problem with your own boundaries. Sorry, but that's 100% true.

As simple and basic as this sounds, I find it to be true:
If you want to be faithful and avoid trouble, men can't have female "friends, and women can't have male "friends." Sounds rediculous? Maybe to some people, but marriage is work and very rewarding work... working for something greater than yourself. Sounds too extreme? I don't think so. A simple look at these forums should tell you that.

Temptation is everywhere (MUCH more true if you're attractive/successful/social, travel a lot, or live near ex lovers... but starting or rekindling problem relationships is still at least remotely available to even the sloppiest and laziest of committed people). Cheating with a coworker, neighbor, ex, boss, etc always starts as "just friends" (read the book of that title and read on these forums if you don't get that). The only affair exceptions to the "friends" rule are the one night stand cheaters and affair partners willingly enabling that, but they are people who are just too immature or introspective and probably never should get married in the first place (or have a clearly open marriage / swinger situation, which has all kinds of its own issues).

Married or relationship Guys, look at your female "friends" on facebook, in your phone list, etc. Besides the women in your family, chances are, they are all ex girlfriends, college party friends, or random acquaintance women you would've asked out at some point in your life if you had the balls and/or if they/you were single. Puppy love doesn't end in 6th grade, because you will always have a ****, gentlemen.

It's the same for women: your current "friend" roster consists of ex boyfriends and current or past acquaintances or coworkers who were secretly courting/lusting you or vice versa. You might not have realized it with some of the guys (women tend to be more naive than men in terms of sexual attraction vs friendly behavior). More commonly, you might be in flat out denial ("Tom from work is a sweet guy who just needs to find the right girl, and then he'll stop being silly with me and the other good looking office women"). At the end of the day, it's the facts: your male "friends" want to have sex with you. All of them.

Let's define Friendship: it is based on common interest, activity, and experiences. Time together, mutual disclosure, and sharing of ideas, goals, and struggles is what builds friendship stronger and closer. Trust is the basis of all human relationships. Men will never share nearly as much in terms of truly common mindset and hobbies with any woman (wife included) as they will with other guys. Women are the same. Therefore, why would you ever forge a male/female relationship if your philosophies and interests aren't that similar? The answer is: to get attention, to flirt, and of course to HAVE SEX. Pure and simple. To make children and for our human race to survive. Yes, it's that simple.

Committed Guys: you know damn well that (assuming you want to be faithful to your spouse), you should avoid female "friends" from work/undergrad/etc in any situation where you are alone together, there's alcohol involved, or worse. Why is that... you're just friends, right? Friends have drinks and talk/share together. The problem is, they are potential sex partners. Yes, even the ones who are nowhere near as hot as your wife. You know damn well that some of these "friends" are the first women you'd call to talk and have coffee or drinks with if you got divorced. On the other hand, your guys who you do bowling league, fantasy football, and go fishing with are not potential sex partners (although they, especially if they're single, can still get you into some situations where you have to keep your head about you and your boundaries and priorities strong).

Committed Women: ask yourself why you have your male friends? To have company, laughs, and common goals with? That's what your girlfriends are for. Do you ever wonder why your guy "friend" from college or the office or the coffee shop or your kids' soccer team always treats you nice and sometimes "jokes" about sex, tells you that you look nice, or complains about his relationship or lack of sex? It's a pretty thinly veiled proposition when he gives you the sad eyes and tells you "your husband's a lucky guy" or "I hope I find a good woman like you someday." Well, he's trying the nice guy route in hopes that he can encourage disclosure and then jump in and take a sledge hammer to any cracks in your marriage that you might reveal to him (remember, friends share issues/problems). The problem is, you enjoy the attention, and it's just a "friend," right? Wrong. Go read on this forum.... it's an extremely slippery slope that you shouldn't ever find yourself peering down.

How do you avoid "friends" of the opposite sex? It seems unavoidable with work, social circles, church, etc, right? Nope. My female friends aren't friends. They're acquaintances, and I need to remind myself that sometimes. They all have their purposes: sharing work ideas with opposite gender colleagues, socializing with my buddies' wives and girlfriends when we're all together, or maybe infrequent networking in the community with some moms or random women for the purpose of gaining ideas about activities or resources for my kids. Any texting, messaging, or other contact for personal issues or anything sexually charged is not what I want from those female relationships, and if they don't seem to understand that I will cut them out as an acquaintance (or threaten to tell their bf/husband if they are firmly in my social circle due to mutual good friends or they are friends of my spouse).

The "friends" line is very insidious, and even if you have a secure marriage and good strong personal boundaries and values, you can get sucked into your own ego at vulnerable times. I have done just that, but I recognized it and it set my fences even higher against future female "friend" advances (by them or by me). You have to stop any text or messenger contact, and you have to never be alone together. If the opposite sex relationship isn't critical to your career or family, then it's generally easy (and wisest) to just stop all contact altogether. They say "your problems don't go away when you ignore them," but if your problem is a person, they will go away and look for easier targets if you ignore them. Best of all, enlist the help of your spouse... seems risky, but it will ultimately build trust. Stopping contact with a dangerous third party might mean that you have to drop a class, transfer jobs, fire an employee or babysitter, or other seemingly drastic means. Refer back to your principles: marriage is work, and it's worth it. Again, involve your spouse. You will gain from it.

So do I have no friends? Is my spouse my only real friend and everyone is "our" friend? Hell no, I live my life based on principles, and quite frankly, even the best spouse won't be available or reliable in terms of friendship all the time. My real friends are guys with similar interests, values, and goals... and my wife and my mother and my sisters, my only female true "friends," are obviously very close people who I discuss personal and family issues with. The guy friends, my wife, and my sisters or other family females are the people I go camping with, I go out for drinks with, and I share my real life issues with. Simple as that. Is that too rigid? Well, I love my wife. Ask the thousands of people on this forum or the millions in the USA struggling to end an affair right now if these ideas are too crazy. JMO