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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband’s family, invited us (my husband and myself) for a get together at their house. We went and again It became more of an intervention and his sister in law stating what I’m doing wrong as a wife, using herself as an example and things she does right, then it was said how her sister should of taken the opportunity to be with my husband when she had the chance, and how I am going to lose my husband.

I decided to leave early and not to entertain the comments being made. I answered their questions, asked questions, made conversation, but when they push to get something out of me is when I stopped talking and said I was sick and will be leaving. I left and my husband stayed behind.

After dealing with his family. I got really upset not just at them but at him and I explained to him that at the moment I did not want to be with him. I also am not sure if I want to stay married (I haven’t said this to him).

Am I over reacting? Should I just not care about whether his family likes me or not? Am I wrong to get upset when he talks bad about me to his family?

My husband & I have been married for 10 years. We started dating when I was 15years old in high school. We have a long time together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you
That was wrong of them and brutal, your husband should have left with you.

you did the right thing in leaving when you did.

Your husband owes you big time. He needs to slap his family down in a major way.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. 🙏
 

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That was wrong of them and brutal, your husband should have left with you.

you did the right thing in leaving when you did.

Your husband owes you big time. He needs to slap his family down in a major way.
I doubt that her husband would do a thing; least of all slap his family (like they deserve). He seems to be one of those men lacking in the balls department. men like this, seldom, if ever, ever find their balls. The OP would do much better finding a man that would stand by her. Can you imagine this OP's husband coming through for her in a dire situation? I doubt it?
 

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Well Done @Pumpkingpie on not accepting your in-laws bs and leaving the cabin. You were told to stop being “nice” to these people and you seem to have taken the advice. In actual fact you shouldn’t have went in the first place but at least it gave you a chance to draw a line in the sand.
Remember this, your sister in law is jealous of you and she is discrediting you amongst the rest of the family. They were quite happy to watch your husband drink himself to oblivion and end up hospitalized rather than agree with you that anything was wrong with his behavior. Do not try to appease these people, it won’t work.
Make this your first step in your journey to be respected and appreciated. Whether it’s by your present in-laws or whether your husband accompanies you on your journey is something that you alone should decide.
You’ve taken the first step and you should remember the old saying. “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.
 

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A spouse's first loyalty needs to be to their spouse, not to his family, but as you see here, he has let them dominate him and go at you. This should never have been allowed by ANYONE in the family, and he is not being a man but a boy in his nonhandling of it. Of course, he LOVES to hear how he deserves the perfect woman instead of you. So maybe you should leave and just let him go at it. It's either that or drag him to a counselor, but I mean, it would probably just escalate a breakup if you did. He's probably been letting them run roughshod over him and his since childhood.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Well Done @Pumpkingpie on not accepting your in-laws bs and leaving the cabin. You were told to stop being “nice” to these people and you seem to have taken the advice. In actual fact you shouldn’t have went in the first place but at least it gave you a chance to draw a line in the sand.
Remember this, your sister in law is jealous of you and she is discrediting you amongst the rest of the family. They were quite happy to watch your husband drink himself to oblivion and end up hospitalized rather than agree with you that anything was wrong with his behavior. Do not try to appease these people, it won’t work.
Make this your first step in your journey to be respected and appreciated. Whether it’s by your present in-laws or whether your husband accompanies you on your journey is something that you alone should decide.
You’ve taken the first step and you should remember the old saying. “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.
In all honesty on the drive there, when my husband and I were on the last red light before turning right to enter the street they live on ... I felt very anxious and scared. But, I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t go & I also wanted to show to myself that I am trying with his family.
 

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I don't know if you ever watch, but Dr. Phil would tell spouses every time that they are to have their spouse's backs with family first and foremost. I mean, they married you and you are their new family and responsibility. Why marry if you're not even placing them above your freaking sister-in-law? Also, he's probably whining to them about every little thing about you that annoys him.
 

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Now that you know you are right, what are you going to do about it? Your other thread was about leaving him, but you still love him so you're not going to do that, so are you planning anything? You're married to a child and I wonder if he ever acted like an adult. Did you say he was on drugs and alcohol in your other thread?
 

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Why do we let other people bother us?
It is because we have been raised to believe other people's opinions have something to do with us.
Everything said by your inlaws reflects their own issues and has nothing to do with you.
Also, a fact that most people can't grasp is that no one can make us feel good or bad. We do that ourselves.

Who is right and who is wrong? No one. Everyone is coming from their own life of programming. When we are able to release right and wrong we are able to be at peace.

This is the work we need to do on ourselves. Most people do not do this and live in drama of some sort their entire lives.

We have been programmed to react since we were infants. We lose our ability to see how our thoughts are created.
By the time we are 35 years old 95% of what we do during a day is done by decisions and reactions of our subconscious mind.
If you are an adult and under 35 it is just slightly better.

Though we think we are making the decision and that our reactions are ours, they are just how we have been programmed.

Becoming aware is then our task of a lifetime. It is a journey of really deciding who and what we want to be.
You nor your husband nor his family are at fault. It is how we all were programmed.

Do you wish to change your programming and live a more peaceful loving life?
You will need to make that decision and you will need to do the work.
Maybe your husband will come along for the ride.
Either way, you will be better off.

Understand your husband has a lot of the same programming his family does. And though he loves you, his subconscious mind will go to where it is comfortable.
The part of our subconscious mind that is called the ego, does not like to change. It wants to protect the status quo because it thinks change is threatening to it. The ego is the part of us that wants to keep us safe and usually from imagined threats.

I know this is a lot. It will be in the work you do on yourself and your ability to learn what real love is that you will find your peace.

If you want any information please let me know.

Good Journeys.
 

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Just wondering, PumpkingPie, if you got out of that last post that you're supposed to keep allowing your husband to disrespect you and run over you with his family. That's what I got out of it. What did you get?
 

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Why do we let other people bother us?
It is because we have been raised to believe other people's opinions have something to do with us.
Everything said by your inlaws reflects their own issues and has nothing to do with you.
Also, a fact that most people can't grasp is that no one can make us feel good or bad. We do that ourselves.

Who is right and who is wrong? No one. Everyone is coming from their own life of programming. When we are able to release right and wrong we are able to be at peace.

This is the work we need to do on ourselves. Most people do not do this and live in drama of some sort their entire lives.

We have been programmed to react since we were infants. We lose our ability to see how our thoughts are created.
By the time we are 35 years old 95% of what we do during a day is done by decisions and reactions of our subconscious mind.
If you are an adult and under 35 it is just slightly better.

Though we think we are making the decision and that our reactions are ours, they are just how we have been programmed.

Becoming aware is then our task of a lifetime. It is a journey of really deciding who and what we want to be.
You nor your husband nor his family are at fault. It is how we all were programmed.

Do you wish to change your programming and live a more peaceful loving life?
You will need to make that decision and you will need to do the work.
Maybe your husband will come along for the ride.
Either way, you will be better off.

Understand your husband has a lot of the same programming his family does. And though he loves you, his subconscious mind will go to where it is comfortable.
The part of our subconscious mind that is called the ego, does not like to change. It wants to protect the status quo because it thinks change is threatening to it. The ego is the part of us that wants to keep us safe and usually from imagined threats.

I know this is a lot. It will be in the work you do on yourself and your ability to learn what real love is that you will find your peace.

If you want any information please let me know.

Good Journeys.
i agreed in certain points, but going by your philosophy it would required anyone to actually live in a community such as monks, nuns, and not even there you will find the inner peace and non reactionary action which you describe. If we all were to go by your philosophy, and anyone were to encounter a violent situation the outcome could potentially be losing your life. So depending on what type of situation it is I would defend myself or just let it be.
 

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Wow, his family sounds like a real piece of work! I could not imagine being blindsided like that. Did your husband know this was going to be an intervention? I assume not, otherwise you have bigger issues. If you love your husband and he loves you, he should immediately put his family in their place. You come first in his life, not his family. Leave and cleave like the Bible says. If that means he doesn't visit them anymore, then fine. If he waivers or doesn't support you 100%, then he's not the man for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Well Done @Pumpkingpie on not accepting your in-laws bs and leaving the cabin. You were told to stop being “nice” to these people and you seem to have taken the advice. In actual fact you shouldn’t have went in the first place but at least it gave you a chance to draw a line in the sand.
Remember this, your sister in law is jealous of you and she is discrediting you amongst the rest of the family. They were quite happy to watch your husband drink himself to oblivion and end up hospitalized rather than agree with you that anything was wrong with his behavior. Do not try to appease these people, it won’t work.
Make this your first step in your journey to be respected and appreciated. Whether it’s by your present in-laws or whether your husband accompanies you on your journey is something that you alone should decide.
You’ve taken the first step and you should remember the old saying. “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.
I decided to go tp their house because they had invited us and I did not want to be the reason my husband did not go. Thank you for your response.

It really bothers me that they compare me to her or when she says I should be doing things like her. It bothered me that she told her sister she should of went for the opportunity to kiss my husband and be with him when she had the chance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I spoke to him and in all honesty I haven’t slept the past few days. He said he was willing to try anything because he did not want to lose me. So I’m praying and staying hopeful that couples therapy and him getting that help will eventually help us.

He used to drink A LOT when we lived in New York. He would drink so much that he would pass out on the train. They (his family) would not worry until he was missing for 2 days. The first time he was found at a bank of america in Harlem, New York and was taken to the hospital. That was the first time I found out. I did not know about the other times until the last hospitalization when I decided I was not staying in New York anymore. The last hospitalization broke me because ot was hard hearing the doctor say he could of died and I couldnt cry or scream. He started smoking a lot more and has not drank (only drinks on special occasions or rarely) because I told him I couldn’t do it anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Why do we let other people bother us?
It is because we have been raised to believe other people's opinions have something to do with us.
Everything said by your inlaws reflects their own issues and has nothing to do with you.
Also, a fact that most people can't grasp is that no one can make us feel good or bad. We do that ourselves.

Who is right and who is wrong? No one. Everyone is coming from their own life of programming. When we are able to release right and wrong we are able to be at peace.

This is the work we need to do on ourselves. Most people do not do this and live in drama of some sort their entire lives.

We have been programmed to react since we were infants. We lose our ability to see how our thoughts are created.
By the time we are 35 years old 95% of what we do during a day is done by decisions and reactions of our subconscious mind.
If you are an adult and under 35 it is just slightly better.

Though we think we are making the decision and that our reactions are ours, they are just how we have been programmed.

Becoming aware is then our task of a lifetime. It is a journey of really deciding who and what we want to be.
You nor your husband nor his family are at fault. It is how we all were programmed.

Do you wish to change your programming and live a more peaceful loving life?
You will need to make that decision and you will need to do the work.
Maybe your husband will come along for the ride.
Either way, you will be better off.

Understand your husband has a lot of the same programming his family does. And though he loves you, his subconscious mind will go to where it is comfortable.
The part of our subconscious mind that is called the ego, does not like to change. It wants to protect the status quo because it thinks change is threatening to it. The ego is the part of us that wants to keep us safe and usually from imagined threats.

I know this is a lot. It will be in the work you do on yourself and your ability to learn what real love is that you will find your peace.

If you want any information please let me know.

Good Journeys.
Scott, thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with me.

When you state that him and his family have a lot of the same programming... I am aware but they are also different. Him and his brother do not completely think alike. He will help me around the house, his brother would not even help with his own child.

As I read your statement a few times in made me question if this is the way I want to be loved. But I know I love him and if he is willing to put in the efforts I will as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Just wondering, PumpkingPie, if you got out of that last post that you're supposed to keep allowing your husband to disrespect you and run over you with his family. That's what I got out of it. What did you get?
Did you mean Scott’s statement? If so, It made me question my husband. I honestly did not take it as me having to deal with my husband’s family’s disrespect.

After I spoke with my husband and he said he was willing to do anything to not lose me...i took that opportunity to bring up therapy. Im hoping and praying this will help us. We haven’t really started yet but we have an appointment so i’m hopeful.
 
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