[nathaniel2518]

my wife and I have been married 1 year and been together 8. We have 2 beautiful children who are 3 and 1. from early on my wife had high expectations of me e.g. better job, better house. which i struggled with early due to my career in design (lowish paid and limited work) and my conservative nature but managed to adapt to. ultimately, it has really helped me push myself to a point where we were doing really well (as well as you can with a 3 year old and a 1 year old). she has always been a high achiever.

1 year ago a business colleague convinced us to move states for work. our house sale fell through at the last minute but we moved anyway. the work also fell through after 6 months and we had to scramble a little but we both found jobs straight away. we'd also moved to the area my parents lived in. from early on they didn't get on that well with my wife. i supported her and lost a little bit of them. all in all a tough year. i'll admit i was a bit grumpy and tired but thought i was doing ok. i did pick up a few things like - if i got angry at the kids she would blame me for yelling, if she got angry it would be the kids fault. we had a few marriage hiccups and weren't doing great in bed but we put that down to tiredness from young kids - and the bad year.

last month i got a great job and things were really looking good. i felt happy and it was showing. felt great and was planning our future. unfortunately within two weeks of me starting my wife decided she wanted to buy a house (we still own the other one). she spent all of 3 days looking and found one in an outer suburb she had previously not liked. my gut was telling me no as we hadn't quite saved up enough and things would be tight again. i'd always promised myself i would agree to anything like this as she has a good instinct and invariably is right... but at the last minute i said no and she lost it - yelled and screamed about how much she hated her life, me, my parents - how nothing ever worked...etc she's having a few days away with the kids and her mum this weekend. i'm devastated.

to sum it up we had a few issues and a hard year. i have worked non stop though out without a holiday and the kids have had their fair share of colds and flu's keeping us up at night. my wife said the house was to secure our future - i just wanted to be conservative and sell the other first, then buy so we didn't have to worry. what i don't get is we are both putting our family first and trying our hardest. she thinks i'm holding us back and i do it alot. i still love her to bits an look up to her. my actions don't often reflect how i feel and i'm honestly tired of this bad run but want things to work out. i find it hard to communicate how i feel too and talking to other men they go through the same. i feel like my wife has unrealistic expectations.

any advice would be great.

 

[costa200]

Is this mainly about your parents and her not getting along?

 

[nathaniel2518]

it's part of it costa. my parents hadn't been part of our lives for the whole 8 years and we thought they'd help out with the kids when we arrived (another reason we moved). they'd even said don't put them in childcare, we'll do it. when we arrived mum helped a few times then kept making excuses e.g. gym, lunch with friends, flu etc I was even shocked. they were too set in their retirement ways and mum has a light addiction to lunch time champers. my wife saw it as an insult to her. i was in disbelief too as i'd only ever seen doting grandparents. our expectations weren't high. it may have been an unseen alpha female battle. it was very confusing for me as my relationship with my parents was reasonably good before it. it got to the point where my wife made me ring up and stick up for her, argue with my parents and generally make a bad situation worse.

it was all part of a bad year. i just hope we can recover.

the more i read advice on this forum, the more i'm seeing that i'm not taking the control i should. lots to think about.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

I don't think it's unrealistic to try to sell the house in the old town before buying yet another house. She says it's for security but I think being on solid financial ground first is more prudent.

It sounds like the issues are workable, though. Can you get your parents to keep the kids for an overnight? I realize they haven't been particularly helpful. But if you stress the importance?

You can reassure your wife that you love her and do trust her instinct but that you are just stressed out after doing nothing but work with no break plus the financial strain and for you to take on even more right now just isn't possible.

Tell her you want to give her the life of her dreams but that you really need a little pressure taken off by selling the other house first. Show her affection and listen to her and acknowledge the disappointment regarding your parents' help but both of you have to adjust to the changes and roll with it.

You did take your wife's side which was REALLY important. I hope she sees what a big deal that is and appreciates that you feel you two are a team.

Maybe even a few trips to a marriage counselor wouldn't hurt, just to learn some skills to minimize snapping at each other and effectively communicate needs - both emotional and financial and everything in between.

 

[nathaniel2518]

9 out of 10 people would agree too EnjoliWoman. hopefully she gets her head around it in the next few days. great advice anyway. i think we both have the best intentions but have been affected badly by the events of the last year. hopefully we can work through this. i just hope she does't think i don't respect her because i was worried about money. that is the last thing on my mind.

last night was better than expected. i remained happy and willing to listen. she seemed happy enough and we both played with the kids well. we didn't speak about the house incident. however this morning she was up at 5 - never happens. she was still acting really happy but made a point of not kissing me goodbye.

my only concern is when the issue comes up again i don't have the ability to communicate my reasoning as she is pretty much always one step ahead. she knows me too well. i'm also beginning to think she was right - and i just needed a few days. if i say that she'll blast me. not sure how to handle it.