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I am in the midst of a separation from the woman I adore, love, think about last thing at night, first thing in the morning. She is the mother to my children the breath in my lungs and the light in my eyes. Unfortunately, she is bitter angry and hurt. We have both been unfaithful Who went first is always a debate. However it really does not matter.

We have almost a non existent sex life. I can honestly say in the past 10 years (we have been married 20 our youngest child is 13) we have had sex no more than 50 times. That includes even non intercourse encounters.

Her past has been peppered with abuse from her parents. Her father (Whom in my opinion should be castrated) sexually abused her from age 8 until 12. So I DO understand that there are going to be issues there. I have known about this before we were married and it was never kept a secret.

Unfortunately, I became weak and succumed to my physical desires about 6 years ago. This lasted a few months and ended. She as well has had her affairs. Although not completely physical, they were very intimate. She has not been able to forgive or even accept this. I have apologized. I have done everything I know how to do. Shown her I love her by thinking of her and surprising her with gifts, cards, calls, etc at random times. Showing her that I do think of her constantly. The anger over rules.

For the past 14 weeks I have been living in our camper. No running water, no electricity, no services at all. and have seen her many times. We have agreed that we want to work on things. however we have a great day, we talk calmly and we make agreements to move forward.

The next day the proverbial poop through the prop.

Then WEEKS of same O same O before we can get back to reality.

I am not saying I am an angel. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am so insanely frustrated that my fuse is short. I wonder on a regular basis what the hell I am doing and why.

Then I make up my mind that it is over and I think of non seeing her or my children everyday and I wind up a ball of tears.

She comes up to the camper once in a while. will bring me some food or what not. No intimate interactions have taken place. I cannot afford to move to an apartment. I don't want to sign a lease because if we DO get back together all I can afford is a tiny 1br or studio. If I do that I know it will be over.


Maybe it is and I hate to admit it. I am stubborn and do NOT want to give up. I know I screwed up. I do not deny that. not by any stretch. But is that an end all be all?



Thanks for ANY advice you can offer
HossinMA
 

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Trying to be a nice guy doesn't seem to be working.

How about doing the 180 & moving on with your life. Don't spend money on flowers and gift cards. Put it towards a gym membership, new clothes for you, or take your 13 year old out for a dad-and-kid outing.

Is the set up in your house really such that you can't live in your own house? Winter is coming.... If there isn't a space to have you in your house, then maybe you need to start calmly looking for an apartment/ place nearby to live.
 

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I am sorry about all of this. I don't understand why you have to live in the camper if she wants to split up & you do not? Will she consider marriage counseling?
 

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The situation is even far more convoluted than that to be honest with you.

We live with my 83 year old father. I'm his house. We have done this since my mom passed away 11 years ago.

This is basically the only living arrangements that my children know and it is very very difficult. He is your typical elderly nose in everyone's business and wants to "help" everywhere by telling everyone everything that everyone does Just a very very difficult place to say the least. Personally speaking there is no way that I can mentally deal with him and her together. Simply not an option.

A year ago she came to me and asked me to move out of the house because the pressure of living with Jim has gotten to her. Due to some fairly substantial bills I told her we needed to get them paid down so that things would not be so tight Well. That had not happened and I don't care much anymore. I will work 3 jobs if I have to in order to make it work.

As for looking for an apartment. I am. I have not been allowed access to the "joint" money. Only my bi-weekly allowance. Which is no where near enough to fuel my truck feed me and put money on a place to live. Yesterday thing became heated. Very heated. And I went to the bank and pulled everything out except what would be state required child support

This was not an easy decision nor was it taken lightly. But I can't continue to live here in the camper through the colder weather. Especially without a shower or real heat. Thankfully a friend of mine owns a store not too far away tjat I can shower at once in a while.

Frankly This sucks
 
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