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Hi,
This is my first time joining a forum and asking advice from total strangers so here it goes Sorry its so long. My husband and I have been married for almost 3years. We met at work and at first I was not attracted to him at all. He soon began to grow on me and I fell in love with him. He was sweet, sensitive,and emotionally available. We had tons in common and we enjoyed all the same things. He had a good job and seemed to be heading in all the right directions. We married after 6months of dating and I honestly in my heart felt that he was "the one". About a month into our marriage (with me inbetween jobs) he told me that he couldn't take the stress and bs of his Job and wanted to quit. I told him to really think about it but told him I would support him either way. He did quit that job about a week later and took a job doing construction. Winter time was fast approaching and here in the north east there was not much consistent construction work to bring in the money to pay half the bills. Luckily, I was able to get some temporary work that got us through but it was very stressful. He eventually got hired at a company with 40 hrs, decent pay, and good health benefits for both of us. We were doing good. Around this time I noticed that he was beginning to consume more and more alcohol so I told him to watch it and cut back. We both socially drank in the beginning but he was starting to drink everyday at this point. He was a social drinker only when I met him. Over the course of the next year he began to hate his job and constantly complained about it. I was supportive and encouraged him to go back to school for something. He never did, making excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't. His drinking became worse and worse and he was now consuming about 2-3 large bottles of vodka a week, running directly to the fridge after coming home from work everyday. At this point despite all of my warnings to him that he was consuming to much I realized that he had a serious problem. He said he would drink because work was so stressful and he needed it to unwind. He became more and more miserable and when highly intoxicated would pick fights with me. He would tell me I wasn't paying him enough attention, he would call me names, and become obnoxious towards me around others. He is a big guy and was never the type of drunk to fall down, slur his words, or become stumbly. To others it barley looked like he was drunk but he was and he only acted upset towards me. I would be so upset with him inside but I just ignored him while it was happening so that a fight wouldn't erupt. I have had several talks with him about his drinking and he has admitted that he has a serious problem but has done nothing about it. I do drink as well but it is socially. I do not drink everyday and I am not addicted to alcohol. I thought for a while that he would see me drinking socially and follow my example but I realized he was full blown addicted and that that just wasn't possible. Meanwhile, we struggled with our sex life. He wanted it all the time and I had no desire because I became more and more unattracted to him because of his behavior and inability to help himself. I began pulling away and distancing myself. The weird thing about all of this is that he is the type of man that will open up and we have openly discussed all of the above issues in an adult and appropriate manner. None of these issues have been swept under the rug and not discussed but even with everything on the table nothing changes. Back in the beginning of 2012 I told him I had had enough and he begged me not to leave him. He agreed to go to counseling for his emotional issues. I thought that was the step in the right direction and supported him. After just 4sessions with the therapist he decided he was fine and stopped going. The drinking, his drunken antics, and his misery toward his job continued. Every time I didn't want sex he would pout and get upset with me. He barley tried to figure out what I liked and I even told him what I liked and he would get upset saying that he didn't like me telling him what to do. So I stopped trying and let him do what he wanted basically feeling like I just wanted him to do his thing and get on with it. I would say there has been about 30times where I througholy enjoyed sex with him. He stinks like vodka almost all of the time and would sweat profusely all over me because he was so outta shape. We have no children. He said since day one he wants children and he still does. I went off the pill 3months after we married and that was over 2years ago. I'm still not pregnant. I'm 90% sure I can have children. I'm 95%sure he can't. I think his consumption of alcohol maybe the problem although I'm not a doctor. I went to my obgyn and asked if this was normal and he said no. He gave my hubby a script to get his sperm tested but, he never did. It sat on top of our fridge for a month untill I eventually threw it away. I asked him why he never went and he said he was scared. This past summer he ended up quitting his job again. He quit the job because he was so miserable and just couldn't take the stress. (here we go again) at the time he quit this past job we were on the brink of divorce. I was so tired of this man making bad choices time and time again and failing to not grow as a person but instead I hung in there thinking that maybe he would be happier because he didn't have to work there anymore. He took another construction job that promised to pay salary. He really did seem happier for a while when he was sober. But as soon as he was drunk would continue his antics and tell me I wasn't paying enough attention to him and that I didn't care about him. (7times outta ten this behavior would occur while drunk.) about 3weeks ago his boss fired him for something that really wasn't his fault and now he is umemployed yet again. I am self employed now and fortunetly I make enough money to support us at the moment. I'm really at a crossroads at this point in my life. I'm only 27yrs old and I feel like this man is holding me back. I have personally grown so much in these past fews years and I feel he has gone backwards. I understand nobody/relationships are never perfect and he really is a sweet guy who loves me with all his soul but I don't know what to do anymore. I've fallen out of love with this man and there have been many times that I honestly just didn't like being around him. I feel like marriage couseling will do no good because I'm really past the point of wanting to try anymore because he's proven to me that nothing will change. The thought of getting out of this marriage and Being single again makes me happy and I really feel at times that I just need to do this on my own to grow more and become the independent person that I want to be. I know it seems I've got this all figured out but I'm confused at times. What do you think?
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Hi & welcome.

Your husband is an alcoholic & none of your problems will be solved until he stops drinking. Most cannot do it on their own & need AA or some other treatment.

If you plan to stay with him, then please read "Co-Dependent No More" about boundary setting for yourself.

Please do not bring children into this highly dysfunctional marriage.

Good luck.
 

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"7times outta ten this behavior would occur while drunk"

That's because he's usually drunk.

Look, he's an alcoholic and it isn't going to stop until he reaches bottom. You leaving is bottom and that is what you have to do.

Give him a clear message of what he needs to do... stop drinking, get steady employment, take care of himself, get professional help... and THEN you will decide whether or not you want to continue with the marriage.

And DO NOT get pregnant.
 

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Alcoholism is a disease. It's not just some personal shortcoming that he's letting happen because he doesn't love you, but it's true that you will always have a lower priority than alcohol until he gets into treatment. It affects everybody in the household. You're just as sick as he is, and the sicker he gets, the sicker you will, too.

I'm a former drug and alcohol counselor. I assure you that you cannot fix him or tell him what to do. The most you'll achieve with this is an emotional roller coaster and more madness. You *can* learn to be happy anyway. I am a HUGE supporter of Al-Anon for partners of people who are alcoholics. It's free, and available near you no matter where you located.

I have a few articles on alcoholism that may interest you:

Effects of Alcoholism and Addiction on Love and Marriage

What Are the Dangers of Drugs and Alcohol?

How Can You Help Someone Who Does Not Want Help (But Needs It)?
 
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