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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
As posted in the new members forum - Thanks for the welcome. It's amazing to think a community like this exists. Never thought for a second I would need to find you.

I still can't believe i'm writting this and hope it reads clearly and logically.

A little over a week ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair. I was able to obtain information about her whereabouts and when I quizzed her about certain events, she told me a different story to what I had found out. I knew she was lying. I had a couple of attempts over a couple of nights to ask her what had happened vs what I knew and there were a lot of lies followed by some version of the truth when I revealed what I knew. It ended when I told her I was done as I couldn't take anymore of her lying and we were beyond help. She told me that the last time she met with the other person, she left and told him that it was done and deleted his number and conversation history.

About halfway through the revelation process and before we got further into the lies, I asked her what she wanted and she did say that she would like to attempt therapy to attempt to save our marriage (3 years). I was originally contemplating this as I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it. She has some really great qualities I have not seen in anyone else and life was, on the whole, very fulfilling. I hate giving up on things especially if I consider doing this to the woman I love (although i'm not sure who that person is now). We have been together for around 10 years in total. From what I can tell the affair started shortly after our wedding. We have no kids but we bought an apartment together 5 years ago (50/50). She has been living a double life with her parents from young age but never thought that she would add another life to her already complex situation. The ordeal ended with us both numb and frustratingly I felt that she lacked empathy and compassion I needed.

Without realising it, ever since I said it was over, I have implemented a lot of the steps in the 180 affair recovery. I have had a few messages with her to discuss sleeping arrangements, to discuss a bill and to ask whether I still want to go to therapy to which I responded that I think so. I'm not sure if she believes this will be so that I can get closure or to work on us. I didn't want to say too much. I did see her about a week ago as she was getting a few things. We had a long stare into each to each others eyes and I felt the sparks again. I'm convinced she did as well.

We have arranged to meet in a couple of days but i'm not sure what to say or how to progress the situation. I understood that she was going to look for somewhere else to stay but i'm not sure how far that has progressed. I'm not even sure if she would be prepared to work at the marriage and would rather be by herself for a while in which case I wouldn't have a decision to make. Last week I was convinced there was no way back but after speaking to some friends and reading up online, we wouldn't be the first to get through this type of thing. Then there's the apartment to sort out. Fair to say i'm pretty confused how to play this.
 

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As posted in the new members forum - Thanks for the welcome. It's amazing to think a community like this exists. Never thought for a second I would need to find you.

I still can't believe i'm writting this and hope it reads clearly and logically.

A little over a week ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair. I was able to obtain information about her whereabouts and when I quizzed her about certain events, she told me a different story to what I had found out. I knew she was lying. I had a couple of attempts over a couple of nights to ask her what had happened vs what I knew and there were a lot of lies followed by some version of the truth when I revealed what I knew. It ended when I told her I was done as I couldn't take anymore of her lying and we were beyond help. She told me that the last time they met, she left and told him that it was done and deleted his number and conversation history.

Bud, cheaters lie a lot. You really can’t trust anything she says. At this time you should inform her other mans wife if he’s married without any warning or informing your wife. This is a crucial 1st step don’t skip it. Go online and check your phone bill his number will probably be there.

About halfway through the revelation process and before we got further into the lies, I asked her what she wanted and she did say that she would like to attempt therapy to attempt to save our marriage (3 years). I was originally contemplating this as I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it. She has some really great qualities I have not seen in anyone else and life was, on the whole, very fulfilling. I hate giving up on things especially if I consider doing this to the woman I love (although i'm not sure who that person is now). We have been together for around 10 years in total. From what I can tell the affair started shortly after our wedding. We have no kids but we bought an apartment together 5 years ago (50/50). She has been living a double life with her parents from young age but never thought that she would add another life to her already complex situation. The ordeal ended with us both numb and frustratingly I felt that she lacked empathy and compassion I needed.

No remorse = no reconciliation. MC upfront is a bad idea. You stand a 50/50 chance of getting a bad one which can just make this worse. She needs IC if anything. Your marriage isn’t broken, she is.

Without realising it, ever since I said it was over, I have implemented a lot of the steps in the 180 affair recovery. I have had a few messages with her to discuss sleeping arrangements, to discuss a bill and to ask whether I still want to go to therapy to which I responded that I think so. I'm not sure if she believes this will be so that I can get closure or to work on us. I didn't want to say too much. I did see her about a week ago as she was getting a few things. We had a long stare into each to each others eyes and I felt the sparks again. I'm convinced she did as well.

The 180 is for detachment not to help the marriage. Her actions (sounds like she left) aren’t that of a remorseful spouse. I’d bet the affair is ongoing. It sounds like you are seeing what you want to see versus reality. Pretty common. You’re in denial.

We have arranged to meet in a couple of days but i'm not sure what to say or how to progress the situation. I understood that she was going to look for somewhere else to stay but i'm not sure how far that has progressed. I'm not even sure if she would be prepared to work at the marriage and would rather be by herself for a while in which case I wouldn't have a decision to make. Last week I was convinced there was no way back but after speaking to some friends and reading up online, we wouldn't be the first to get through this type of thing. Then there's the apartment to sort out. Fair to say i'm pretty confused how to play this.
Marriage takes two you can’t fix this yourself. Cheating right after the wedding for 3 years means she’s been living another life you weren’t part of.

No kids, what are you trying to salvage? Do not jump into R or offer it at this time. You don’t know much yet. You really don’t know if the long term affair has ended. From what I’ve I’d bet it’s ongoing. Just because you found out doesn’t meant it’s ended.

Better wake up. Her leaving is not a good sign.

The thing is the capability to cheat is there. Repeats happen. You want to go through this again?
 

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Separation is normally to make more time for the other guy. Pretty common and happens all the time.

Don’t be surprised because right Now you only the tip of the iceberg.

If they work together or have any contact the affair is ongoing.

Affairs are addictive. They for the most part just don’t stop.
 

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Literally from the day you exchanged vows your wife has been cheating on you. And like every cheating spouse in history she was “just about to break up with him”. She kept lying until you revealed what you knew, and as per cheater script you probably didn’t get anywhere near the full truth.
If you stay in this relationship (I wouldn’t consider it a marriage, you were a victim of bait and switch) then be prepared to share your wife with other men for its entirety.
You need to understand that you never had a real marriage, you were just another part of her double life you speak about.
I agree with the idea of counseling but I think that you need individual counseling to help you understand why you’re prepared to stay in this relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Marriage takes two you can’t fix this yourself. Cheating right after the wedding for 3 years means she’s been living another life you weren’t part of.

No kids, what are you trying to salvage? Do not jump into R or offer it at this time. You don’t know much yet. You really don’t know if the long term affair has ended. From what I’ve I’d bet it’s ongoing. Just because you found out doesn’t meant it’s ended.

Better wake up. Her leaving is not a good sign.

The thing is the capability to cheat is there. Repeats happen. You want to go through this again?

Thanks for all your points. She's been staying at a combination of her sisters and our apartment. When she's been at ours i've chosen to sleep elsewhere.

Totally agree that she is broken. I guess i'm not convinced at the moment whether she is serious to get the help she needs. What I would be willing to salvage is being with a woman that I loved, with all the amazing qualities and to salvage the life we were building. I know a lot of people will say this but she was the last person I expected this from. She never had a bad word to say about anyone, always looked positively on life, has liberal views on things etc.

It's really helped me by writting all this down. I can see that on the surface it looks like i'm in denial and that there is not much to hang onto other than potentially a fantasy/happy ending
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Literally from the day you exchanged vows your wife has been cheating on you. And like every cheating spouse in history she was “just about to break up with him”. She kept lying until you revealed what you knew, and as per cheater script you probably didn’t get anywhere near the full truth.
If you stay in this relationship (I wouldn’t consider it a marriage, you were a victim of bait and switch) then be prepared to share your wife with other men for its entirety.
You need to understand that you never had a real marriage, you were just another part of her double life you speak about.
I agree with the idea of counseling but I think that you need individual counselling to help you understand why you’re prepared to stay in this relationship.
I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
 

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You’ve got her on a pedestal. She’s just your fantasy of who you want her to be. Sadly that’s not who she really is.

She’s been lying to you for 3 years. Which means she has no problem doing so. Stick to the facts.

Until you wake up to reality you’ll continue to wallow in this.

There are zero excuses for her actions. At 3 years you should still be in your honeymoon phase.

Many live on hopium and live to regret it. Life is short stop wasting it.
 

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I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
Bud, she’s a cake eater. She’s had the best of two worlds. You can’t understand because you aren’t like her.

You haven’t woken up to the cold hard facts of reality yet which means you’ll continue to linger in this.
 

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A friend of mines wife left Him for her boss with 2 young kids in the mix.

The biggest problem he had was realizing she was just a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all. Expect it happened to him.

They all follow the same lying cheater script.

You sound like you aren’t ready to listen. Many come back later and wish they had.

Don’t be a chump. It’ll just make this worse than it needs to be.

Get strong and stay there.
 

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I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
Think of it this way. All those times she was just as much engaged with her other man if not more so.

Love is blind
 

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Clarity will come if you let it but your heart will betray you in these circumstances.

Continue on a hard 180. You will wake up if you overcome your fear of the unknown.

The facts tell you what the known is. Realize it.
 

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You need STD testing now you don’t know who or where this other man has been.
I know..what a classic line.

I'd like to think I know a fair bit of what has happened with the intel I got. She says she bonded with the guy over things she couldn't tell me, mainly due to the relationship between myself and her family.

I guess i'm still waking up to the reality of being a pawn in her life. I just find it really hard to believe the times we spent together, the adventures, the setting up of a home, the laughs were all a sham.
Larry, cheaters lie lie and lie and the first step for her to to is have empathy she doesn't. She wants to rugsweep this and wait until it cools down to continue this , many of these phrases are taken out of the cheaters handbook.

I must be upfront hand say man wake up here, three years of doing another dude and coming back to you for security. Your nothing but a ATM machine what of those mind movies of her doing all of those acts she does with him she doesn't give you? And if she has given you full menu sex she also given the other the same.

I would expose the OM and open his world to the crap you been given, let him have that shell of what you once thought you had. Alot of bridges she has burned and now you're the only rescue boat see can grab on too. Expose her to your and her family because she will rewrite your time together and make you out to be the azzhole who screwed up the marriage and relationship.

Do you really think you want the type of trashy person, and put your mouth we're the other dudes pecker had been? Have some self respect she has none for you you better have some for yourself.
 

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I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it. She has some really great qualities I have not seen in anyone else and life was, on the whole, very fulfilling.

Nope.
Sorry.
This is not who she is.
This is merely who she wants you to see her as.
She’s really really good at this “double life” business.
If you knew who she really was, you would not like her.


She has been living a double life with her parents from young age but never thought that she would add another life to her already complex situation.
Well surprise surprise!
 

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She told me that the last time she met with the other person, she left and told him that it was done and deleted his number and conversation history.
Well golly. I'm blown away by the sheer coincidence of how it worked out that JUST as you were discovering her misdeeds, SHE just happened to be giving this guy his walking papers at the same exact time. That is SO serendipitous! :rolleyes::rolleyes:

About halfway through the revelation process and before we got further into the lies, I asked her what she wanted and she did say that she would like to attempt therapy to attempt to save our marriage (3 years). I was originally contemplating this as I guess like a lot people in a similar situation, felt that she was worth it.
Marriage counseling is the LAST place you bring an active, LYING cheater.

It's a complete waste of your time, money and energy. All she's going to do is LIE to the therapist and LIE to you. Do yourself a favor and take the $150 and go buy yourself something nice with it. Your wife is a complete waste of your time and money.

Totally agree that she is broken.
She's not broken. She's simply a moral-less person who has NO RESPECT for you or for her marriage, and is actively still involved with her boyfriend and enjoying every minute of it. To imply that she's 'broken' means that she's not able to conduct herself in a normal way and shouldn't be held accountable for her **** behavior because something inside her "broke" and made her do it. Good Lord. That's just something betrayed spouses tell themselves to self-sooth, because they don't want to face who their cheater REALLY is.

Honestly, it's your business and your life if you want to continue with the delusional thought that this woman is "broken" and just needs some therapist to fix her and she'll be "right as rain again." She's not worth 10 more seconds of your time. When someone show shows you who they really are, you need to BELIEVE them. Or you can self delude which is sadly, what you're doing.

One day you'll find out who you're REALLY wasting your time on and maybe then you'll open your eyes. One day.
 

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. You best option is to leave her. Concentrate on YOURSELF. She will never tell you the truth (cheaters are liars by design) and will only give you trickle truth when it benefits them. Get tested for STDs. Get a lawyer. And plan for you new life. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I'm reading all the comments and taking it all in, I appreciate them all.

A very sad situation that can't be resolved. Frustrating.
 

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The key point here is that you are trying to salvage who you "thought" she was. What you "thought" your marriage was.
It's very, very hard to take. But none of it was the truth.
Has she been to counselling? I detect a hint of a sociopath here. Incapable of empathy or understanding.
Or maybe she's just like all the other over ego'd, lying cheaters that we have encountered here on TAM.
I'm sorry that you are here. Give yourself time to grieve a relationship that you never really had. The hurt must be awful.
Then steel yourself, get a lawyer, and file.
Too often we have seen people here who have attempted R only to be back 3,5 or 10 years later with the same issue. Cheaters don't change. They just get better at hiding it, lying about it, and DARVO'ing you on it. (look it up)
Please. She will try to sex bomb you back into the relationship which, oh looky, will result in a pregnancy (maybe not your child)
Then you are stuck. Don't be stuck. Get out now.
 
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