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Guys I need some advice. I have messed up, and I have been for years. I'll try to make a long story short.
Some background: I'm 35, so is my wife. We met in high school, but started dating about a year later. Within a year she's pregnant, and I go into "good guy" mode and we get married. We have been for 15 years, off and on happily. I've stayed in"good guy" mode ever since. I work and sacrifice and struggle to make a better life for my family (we now have 3 children). At least all of this is what I've been telling myself. I join the Navy (bc I wanted to get away from our hometown, and have a good job that I could be proud of) and we move away from home.
After 7 years, I had an affair. My wife was 5 months pregnant w our 3rd child (our son, my other 2 are girls). I felt terrible. It was like one of the lowest points of my life. She agreed to stay w me, and work it out. We did some counseling, we moved back home (somewhere I never wanted to be or raise our kids, bc there are just not many jobs or opportunities, the schools are not good, her family is kind of toxic, and so is mine to an extent (all of this comes back into play later)). So we move back, with the intent of being around our families who will help w our kids and we can work on getting our marriage back on track. But we never really do. Life gets in the way, we don't really make each other a priority, she goes into nursing school, and it's very stressful and time consuming. So we don't focus on each other like we should, or like we were going to. I spend alot of time self-reflecting, and working on my views of women and sex, getting to the roots of why I cheated. I feel like I made alot of progress in that area, and so does my wife. I will never cheat again. Fact.
So time goes on, and I think we are strong enough together to move away from our hometown, bc we've never really been happy here. Our kids don't really fit in, there is no industry really, and I can make much better money elsewhere, and my wife can get a nursing job anywhere (part of the reason she went to nursing school). So I really start pushing to move. There's a little coastal town, near good jobs and industry and w a low crime rate and good schools, a big art and theater scene. Basically the perfect place to raise kids. AND we found this place by accident while my wife and I were on a little road trip for our 1 year wedding anniversary. Romantic, right? We have talked off and on about moving there for ever.
So, I take a job working as an electrician in the offshore oil and gas industry, making great money, w the intent of paying off our debt (which we accrued while living at home bc we couldn't have high paying jobs, and nursing school and all) so we can go. Just pack up and go. But I'm gone for like a month at a time. My job is basically 28 days gone to work, 28 days home. It's rough on everyone. But I feel like I'm sacrificing so much to better our family. A year later, we've talked off and on about moving, she's still on the fence (bc now we've lived there for almost 5 years, and she's settled in) and the price of oil starts falling, and I get laid off. I lose my high-paying job, and all the dreams I've created come crashing down. I had plans of paying for our kids college, helping them get established as adults (so they won't feel pressured to join the military, like I felt I had to do to provide for my family bc no one was able to help us when we were starting out).
Anyways, I'm devastated. I look around at our little town, and see that I'll never be able to have a great career here, and basically our whole future is screwed. So I REALLY put the pressure on to move. Now my wife is really settled in, our kids are at an ok school (not great though), and she's got her dream job at a mental health place. I am so angry all the time, bc I'm like "You're choosing all this mediocre stuff, this less than perfect life, over me, and our possibility of a great future in a different place, where we can be equal in our careers and our kids can be safe and educated and have a future for our grandchildren." Anyways, really putting on the pressure. I don't listen to her reasoning about how we need to figure out how to be happy with ourselves before we can hope to be happy somewhere else. (See, bc we didn't really work on our marriage for all these years like we were supposed to).
Anyways, I get mad. And I stay mad all the time. I feel unappreciated. I convince myself that she doesn't want to move due to: we don't have jobs there, we don't have a place to live there, we don't know anyone there, we don't know for real what it will be like. And I feel like she's getting cold feet, now that it's time to actually go. This is what all I convince myself are the issues. So, I go and get a job close by there, making good money. I'm gone during the week, but I come home on weekends. I stay in hotels there in the meantime. It's expensive, so I find a house to rent. I get some little furniture, so we can be comfortable. I figure I'll get her to come over and see the place and area, see what the neighborhood is like, see what the culture and people are like, when you actually live there instead of just visit. I really put the pressure on. And she hates it all, and me. She feels like I've left and abandoned them all, and gone on and started making my own life, off by myself. So that makes me mad too (I'm still mad all the time anyways), bc I feel like I'm doing all this for all of us. I'm getting our foot in the door and setting the groundwork for a new life together. Bc I feel like it's been 7 years since my affair and we are so much stronger together now. I was wrong.
Now school is about to start. My oldest daughter is about to start 9th grade. We have said in the past that if we are to move it has to be before she starts high school, bc we don't want her to have to start over during high school. So I convince myself that she would be better off w me. I stay over there during the week and come home on the weekends, so why can't she? I ask my daughter if she'd be interested in doing that, and she says yes indeed. So then I go to my wife and say "Look, she wants to stay w me during the week and come here on weekends, like I do, and get a good education."
And my wife loses it. She says I'm trying to take her child away, and how could I go behind her back and talk not talk to her about it first, and it's really terrible. I haven't seen her that upset since my affair. So anyways I back off of that. I'm thinking about giving up on the move, and just coming back and trying to fix all that.
I find this Saturday art class, over where I stay during the week, and I sign me and the kids up for it. I tell her they are coming to stay w me for the weekend (which is unusual, bc I am home there every weekend, every weekend). She's slightly upset but agrees. So we go, and have a great time, and plan to come home Sunday afternoon. Sunday morning she calls, crying, bc she went to her bosses house the night before and they were talking about it all and he kissed her. She says that's as far as it went. I believe her. I'm upset, but not that upset, bc I understand how she feels and how she got there. Also I feel like this is a "wake up call" for her, and she's realized our marriage is more important, and wants to fix it. So I think about it for a couple days, and I text her that she's going to have to leave her job (one of the first steps in reconciliation is to get away from the temptation), and she's like "why would I do that, we can't reconcile, this is really over".
And that's like a real wake up call for me. It's like the fog is lifted and I can see so clearly just how bad I've messed up. I've put all this stuff ahead of our marriage, and pushed so hard to get the future I wanted and didn't think about the present and what is really important. I've spent years not really listening to her, and putting what I want first, and expecting her to thank me and feel gratitude to me for all the sacrifices I've made, while not listening to her. I've read about the "Good Guy" situation, and guess what, I did that, and took it to the like Nth degree.
So I tell her I'm leaving my job, and I'll get some other little job, and I'm coming home. She wants a divorce. So I don't know what to do. I tell her no, and she says I'm being controlling. And I can see all this through her eyes, bc I'v realized that for 15 years that I HAVE been, even though now I'm not. So I don't want to control her, so I agree. I agree to tell the kids we're getting divorced. I agree to go stay w my sister once I leave my job and get a new one here, and get my little furniture moved out and get the house rented out over there.
So, right now, today, I am at our house, w my wife and kids. We've been civil, even friendly, trying to maintain normalcy. We eat and cook together, watch tv together. No big arguments. It's nice and easy and no pressure.
I love my wife, very much, and I got too far into trying to be "The Man", and didn't care about what she was going through, and I pushed her so far away. Once I was able to start seeing clearly, and listen, and look at it from her perspective, and do some soul-searching, I started pulling these threads on the knots in my chest and my belly (all my anger, and resentment, and hurt) (I also started taking a mild anti-depressant, and man that really took the edge off my rage issues), and I've let go of so much, just in the last few weeks. I'm about to start a new teaching job, so I'll be on the kids schedule, and I'll enjoy it so much and have some satisfaction that I couldn't ever get by chasing dollars.
I want to fix it. I know it will be very, very hard, if not impossible.
The things I've read have said basically to get some distance, work on myself and my confidence, get healthy, make her jealous, and she'll come back. Ha.
I'm still staying at our house, I sleep in our bed. She's not pushing for me to go. But I told her I would.
So my ultimate things I need some help with, after All THAT, is:
-How do I give her some space to cool down when I'm still at home, and I see her all the time, and we have kids and all;
-Should I still move out since I told her I would, even though I know it will be so much harder to get back in once I leave;
-Should I even be trying to reconcile at all, or would it be best to move on (even though I still love her, and I feel she still loves me deep down, even though she feels betrayed that I tried to take her kid from her and she doesn't trust me);
Help me, guys (and gals).
Some background: I'm 35, so is my wife. We met in high school, but started dating about a year later. Within a year she's pregnant, and I go into "good guy" mode and we get married. We have been for 15 years, off and on happily. I've stayed in"good guy" mode ever since. I work and sacrifice and struggle to make a better life for my family (we now have 3 children). At least all of this is what I've been telling myself. I join the Navy (bc I wanted to get away from our hometown, and have a good job that I could be proud of) and we move away from home.
After 7 years, I had an affair. My wife was 5 months pregnant w our 3rd child (our son, my other 2 are girls). I felt terrible. It was like one of the lowest points of my life. She agreed to stay w me, and work it out. We did some counseling, we moved back home (somewhere I never wanted to be or raise our kids, bc there are just not many jobs or opportunities, the schools are not good, her family is kind of toxic, and so is mine to an extent (all of this comes back into play later)). So we move back, with the intent of being around our families who will help w our kids and we can work on getting our marriage back on track. But we never really do. Life gets in the way, we don't really make each other a priority, she goes into nursing school, and it's very stressful and time consuming. So we don't focus on each other like we should, or like we were going to. I spend alot of time self-reflecting, and working on my views of women and sex, getting to the roots of why I cheated. I feel like I made alot of progress in that area, and so does my wife. I will never cheat again. Fact.
So time goes on, and I think we are strong enough together to move away from our hometown, bc we've never really been happy here. Our kids don't really fit in, there is no industry really, and I can make much better money elsewhere, and my wife can get a nursing job anywhere (part of the reason she went to nursing school). So I really start pushing to move. There's a little coastal town, near good jobs and industry and w a low crime rate and good schools, a big art and theater scene. Basically the perfect place to raise kids. AND we found this place by accident while my wife and I were on a little road trip for our 1 year wedding anniversary. Romantic, right? We have talked off and on about moving there for ever.
So, I take a job working as an electrician in the offshore oil and gas industry, making great money, w the intent of paying off our debt (which we accrued while living at home bc we couldn't have high paying jobs, and nursing school and all) so we can go. Just pack up and go. But I'm gone for like a month at a time. My job is basically 28 days gone to work, 28 days home. It's rough on everyone. But I feel like I'm sacrificing so much to better our family. A year later, we've talked off and on about moving, she's still on the fence (bc now we've lived there for almost 5 years, and she's settled in) and the price of oil starts falling, and I get laid off. I lose my high-paying job, and all the dreams I've created come crashing down. I had plans of paying for our kids college, helping them get established as adults (so they won't feel pressured to join the military, like I felt I had to do to provide for my family bc no one was able to help us when we were starting out).
Anyways, I'm devastated. I look around at our little town, and see that I'll never be able to have a great career here, and basically our whole future is screwed. So I REALLY put the pressure on to move. Now my wife is really settled in, our kids are at an ok school (not great though), and she's got her dream job at a mental health place. I am so angry all the time, bc I'm like "You're choosing all this mediocre stuff, this less than perfect life, over me, and our possibility of a great future in a different place, where we can be equal in our careers and our kids can be safe and educated and have a future for our grandchildren." Anyways, really putting on the pressure. I don't listen to her reasoning about how we need to figure out how to be happy with ourselves before we can hope to be happy somewhere else. (See, bc we didn't really work on our marriage for all these years like we were supposed to).
Anyways, I get mad. And I stay mad all the time. I feel unappreciated. I convince myself that she doesn't want to move due to: we don't have jobs there, we don't have a place to live there, we don't know anyone there, we don't know for real what it will be like. And I feel like she's getting cold feet, now that it's time to actually go. This is what all I convince myself are the issues. So, I go and get a job close by there, making good money. I'm gone during the week, but I come home on weekends. I stay in hotels there in the meantime. It's expensive, so I find a house to rent. I get some little furniture, so we can be comfortable. I figure I'll get her to come over and see the place and area, see what the neighborhood is like, see what the culture and people are like, when you actually live there instead of just visit. I really put the pressure on. And she hates it all, and me. She feels like I've left and abandoned them all, and gone on and started making my own life, off by myself. So that makes me mad too (I'm still mad all the time anyways), bc I feel like I'm doing all this for all of us. I'm getting our foot in the door and setting the groundwork for a new life together. Bc I feel like it's been 7 years since my affair and we are so much stronger together now. I was wrong.
Now school is about to start. My oldest daughter is about to start 9th grade. We have said in the past that if we are to move it has to be before she starts high school, bc we don't want her to have to start over during high school. So I convince myself that she would be better off w me. I stay over there during the week and come home on the weekends, so why can't she? I ask my daughter if she'd be interested in doing that, and she says yes indeed. So then I go to my wife and say "Look, she wants to stay w me during the week and come here on weekends, like I do, and get a good education."
And my wife loses it. She says I'm trying to take her child away, and how could I go behind her back and talk not talk to her about it first, and it's really terrible. I haven't seen her that upset since my affair. So anyways I back off of that. I'm thinking about giving up on the move, and just coming back and trying to fix all that.
I find this Saturday art class, over where I stay during the week, and I sign me and the kids up for it. I tell her they are coming to stay w me for the weekend (which is unusual, bc I am home there every weekend, every weekend). She's slightly upset but agrees. So we go, and have a great time, and plan to come home Sunday afternoon. Sunday morning she calls, crying, bc she went to her bosses house the night before and they were talking about it all and he kissed her. She says that's as far as it went. I believe her. I'm upset, but not that upset, bc I understand how she feels and how she got there. Also I feel like this is a "wake up call" for her, and she's realized our marriage is more important, and wants to fix it. So I think about it for a couple days, and I text her that she's going to have to leave her job (one of the first steps in reconciliation is to get away from the temptation), and she's like "why would I do that, we can't reconcile, this is really over".
And that's like a real wake up call for me. It's like the fog is lifted and I can see so clearly just how bad I've messed up. I've put all this stuff ahead of our marriage, and pushed so hard to get the future I wanted and didn't think about the present and what is really important. I've spent years not really listening to her, and putting what I want first, and expecting her to thank me and feel gratitude to me for all the sacrifices I've made, while not listening to her. I've read about the "Good Guy" situation, and guess what, I did that, and took it to the like Nth degree.
So I tell her I'm leaving my job, and I'll get some other little job, and I'm coming home. She wants a divorce. So I don't know what to do. I tell her no, and she says I'm being controlling. And I can see all this through her eyes, bc I'v realized that for 15 years that I HAVE been, even though now I'm not. So I don't want to control her, so I agree. I agree to tell the kids we're getting divorced. I agree to go stay w my sister once I leave my job and get a new one here, and get my little furniture moved out and get the house rented out over there.
So, right now, today, I am at our house, w my wife and kids. We've been civil, even friendly, trying to maintain normalcy. We eat and cook together, watch tv together. No big arguments. It's nice and easy and no pressure.
I love my wife, very much, and I got too far into trying to be "The Man", and didn't care about what she was going through, and I pushed her so far away. Once I was able to start seeing clearly, and listen, and look at it from her perspective, and do some soul-searching, I started pulling these threads on the knots in my chest and my belly (all my anger, and resentment, and hurt) (I also started taking a mild anti-depressant, and man that really took the edge off my rage issues), and I've let go of so much, just in the last few weeks. I'm about to start a new teaching job, so I'll be on the kids schedule, and I'll enjoy it so much and have some satisfaction that I couldn't ever get by chasing dollars.
I want to fix it. I know it will be very, very hard, if not impossible.
The things I've read have said basically to get some distance, work on myself and my confidence, get healthy, make her jealous, and she'll come back. Ha.
I'm still staying at our house, I sleep in our bed. She's not pushing for me to go. But I told her I would.
So my ultimate things I need some help with, after All THAT, is:
-How do I give her some space to cool down when I'm still at home, and I see her all the time, and we have kids and all;
-Should I still move out since I told her I would, even though I know it will be so much harder to get back in once I leave;
-Should I even be trying to reconcile at all, or would it be best to move on (even though I still love her, and I feel she still loves me deep down, even though she feels betrayed that I tried to take her kid from her and she doesn't trust me);
Help me, guys (and gals).
