[pilgrim1]

Hi, just wondering if I could get some feedback on my marriage. I'd like to know if a bunch of things my wife does is considered in the 'acceptable' range of behavior and how I should react to these personality traits.

1. Complaining
My wife loves to complain. She complains about everything she has to do especially chores such as making a grocery list, cooking, etc. What frustrates me is that I took months of work to finish our basement in our house, and after a long day, she would come home from work and complain how the dishes were not done. This is just one example, but there are many others.

2. Compulsive Liar
She loves to lie about many things. Usually when its something she thinks I might get mad about, but sometimes its totally random. For example, she will lie about when she's having lunch with one of her guy friends because she knows I don't like it. She's also lied about miscellaneous things like telling her co-workers the whereabouts of our honeymoon.

3. Bad Mouths me and Family behind my back
She complains to her friends (sometimes my friends too), family about my family and myself usually through email. I think its odd because I don't do it myself. Maybe this is normal for a wife to vent her frustrations, I'm not sure.

4. Putting her family above me
She likes to follow anything her family does and wants. Even if it goes against what her husband desires. It drives me nuts because I believe your significant other should come first, but she does not see it that way.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks in advance.

 

[tryingtobebetter]

I doubt this is normal for most marriages but I can believe all of the aspects of her behaviour are pretty common.

I would not despair, especially if I am right in guessing that maybe you have not been married many years (my wife and I are on year 36 now).

You might benefit from reading up on the Five Languages of Love. Then talk to her.

You sound, unsurprisingly, like some one who does not feel very loved. If you want her to change, it is important to realise that you cannot make her do so, only invite her to, and that a lot of the effort has to come from you, being as loving as you can. Though you cannot do it on your own.

Good luck

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

pilgrim1

Although your wife's behaviors are not very helpful in a marriage situation, you would be surprised how many people think doing this exact stuff is OK, especially when they do it. I think you wife is the victim of bad habits. Maybe it would be a good idea for you two to enroll in some sort of marriage education course where you could both get on the same page regarding what kind of behavior should be considered appropriate. With assistance coming from an unbiased leader and both of you hearing and understanding and hopefully committing at the same time, this could be an excellent opportunity for bonding.

 

[kindi]

What frustrates me is that I took months of work to finish our basement in our house, and after a long day, she would come home from work and complain how the dishes were not done.

Taking this one example. It took you months to finish the basement? I work 40 hrs per week and when I totally gutted and rebuilt my own basement including framing, wiring, plumbing, and sheetrock it didn't take even a month, working late into the nights, and weekends. Are you one of those guys that starts a project but doesn't stay at it regularly and it just doesn't get done? Do you think that since you do construction around the house you don't have to help with household chores? Maybe she complains because you're not doing your share of the work.

2. Compulsive Liar
She loves to lie about many things. Usually when its something she thinks I might get mad about, but sometimes its totally random. For example, she will lie about when she's having lunch with one of her guy friends because she knows I don't like it.

She lies to you because, well you said it yourself, you get mad. You've got an anger management problem so when she tells you something you don't want to hear, it results in a tirade and lots of arguing. Rather than be honest, she lies because she prefers to avoid the backlash. The one example she gave is a good one. She knows there's nothing wrong with lunch with a male coworker but since she also knows you'll implode if you find out, she prefers dishonesty rather than angry confrontations and I can't blame her.

3. Bad Mouths me and Family behind my back

She's obviously very angry with you. She also isn't too happy about your family. There must be reasons for this.

Putting her family above me
She likes to follow anything her family does and wants. Even if it goes against what her husband desires.

She has no respect for you.

Did she once put your needs above those of her family or was it always like that from day one? If it was always like that, well the writing was on the wall, you married a daddy's girl and you'll always be number 2 or somewhere down the line. If she used to put you on a pedestal and now you're yesterday's news, then your marriage has many problems that need to be addressed or you're a goner.

 

[pilgrim1]

Taking this one example. It took you months to finish the basement? I work 40 hrs per week and when I totally gutted and rebuilt my own basement including framing, wiring, plumbing, and sheetrock it didn't take even a month, working late into the nights, and weekends. Are you one of those guys that starts a project but doesn't stay at it regularly and it just doesn't get done? Do you think that since you do construction around the house you don't have to help with household chores? Maybe she complains because you're not doing your share of the work.



She lies to you because, well you said it yourself, you get mad. You've got an anger management problem so when she tells you something you don't want to hear, it results in a tirade and lots of arguing. Rather than be honest, she lies because she prefers to avoid the backlash. The one example she gave is a good one. She knows there's nothing wrong with lunch with a male coworker but since she also knows you'll implode if you find out, she prefers dishonesty rather than angry confrontations and I can't blame her.



She's obviously very angry with you. She also isn't too happy about your family. There must be reasons for this.



She has no respect for you.

Did she once put your needs above those of her family or was it always like that from day one? If it was always like that, well the writing was on the wall, you married a daddy's girl and you'll always be number 2 or somewhere down the line. If she used to put you on a pedestal and now you're yesterday's news, then your marriage has many problems that need to be addressed or you're a goner.

1) The point had nothing to do with how long it took me to finish the basement (it took extra long because it was my first time doing that kind of work). I was just asking if it should bother me when she does this or should i just let it roll off my back. We do share chores relatively evenly.

2) Fair enough, perhaps I do have an anger management issue to correct.

3) So, Is it OK when she does this? When I argue or get mad at my wife, I don't go running my mouth about her to my friends and family.

4) She has always put her family first. Almost as if she's afraid to do anything other than what they want.

 

[pilgrim1]

I doubt this is normal for most marriages but I can believe all of the aspects of her behaviour are pretty common.

I would not despair, especially if I am right in guessing that maybe you have not been married many years (my wife and I are on year 36 now).

You might benefit from reading up on the Five Languages of Love. Then talk to her.

You sound, unsurprisingly, like some one who does not feel very loved. If you want her to change, it is important to realise that you cannot make her do so, only invite her to, and that a lot of the effort has to come from you, being as loving as you can. Though you cannot do it on your own.

Good luck

Thanks for your input. Yes, we've only been married 3 years so we're still figuring each other out I suppose.

 

[dunocarmet]

I think you wife is the victim of bad habits. Maybe it would be a good idea for you two to enroll in some sort of marriage education course where you could both get on the same page regarding what kind of behavior should be considered appropriate.