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Good morning everyone. I've really been thinking about this a lot and decided to seek out help from the Internet. I haven't contemplated marriage counseling because it seems like my issues are just me. I've been married to my husband for 2 years and together for what will be 4 years this November. We have a two year old son together and another on the way. I have come to terms with the fact that I do not love my husband. I feel like that once my son was born two years ago, I stopped loving everyone but my son. Since my son was born, it feels like mine and my husband's relationship is not the same.

The other night we were having intimate times and he mentioned that he knew that in some of the videos I watch, I like that the man kissed his woman sensually as they're having sex. He asked me if he could do that to me and I almost blurted out, "If I could stand kissing you." I told him instead that it was a distraction. I rarely feel anything when I kiss my husband and try to make the kiss as short as possible with the least amount of contact to make it not seem so obvious. He is a smoker so I hold my breath when he kisses me.

His mom asked him if he was sure he knew what he was doing on our wedding day and he said that our marriage was the thing he's been the most sure about in his entire life. We've broken up before only once when he betrayed my trust (not cheating on me)and his sister came down hard on me. His family loves me and I know what kind of backlash I would get if our marriage ended up failing. We have children together and I know it's till death do you part. We are not religious people.

I never used to notice other men before and now it seems I am. I'm doing what I was supposed to have done when I was a teenager. When we have sex, I really don't get much feeling out of it and I'm wondering if that really has nothing to do with the pregnancy, but that I am not attracted to him. For those of you who read this, did pregnancy make you second guess your marriage? I remember how I felt when we broke up and I was devastated and couldn't believe that we weren't together. We were apart for a week before we realized that we needed to be together. That feeling is completely gone. I feel so awkward around him. I've told him before that it doesn't feel like we're married, just dating and living together. He told that yes it does feel like we're married and I said to him it does. We live in a home that causes us stress all the time and I'm wondering if that has had a profound impact on how I'm feeling about our marriage.

Our good friend sort of played matchmaker with us. He told me that my husband(friend at the time) really had nothing to live for. I really did like him and thought he was a nice, smart guy. He rarely talked and he told me after we started dating that he'd waited 3 years to ask me out. When I told him in a college class that we shared that I was potentially moving to AZ, he decided he needed to make his move. After my last breakup, I was going to experiment with dating women. I told myself that he was the last man I was going to try to be with. Lo and behold, he's the one I ended up marrying and having children with. So from that, I'm still aching to explore that side of myself and he's put his foot down. On top of that, I find his fetish a little odd. It kind of puts me off that I can give him his fantasy, but he will not allow me mine. I can understand putting your foot down about another male in the bedroom. Totally understand that, but he knows I'm bi and knows how I feel about the "other side of things". I had an experience in college when I was drunk unfortunately, but I remember every detail and really enjoyed how much I loved it. I never pursued it because I know how my family would look at me so I kept that desire to explore contained. Now I suppose I just have to deal with it, even though it's eating me up.

I fully believe at heart, even though he says no, that we married because we found out I was pregnant. I myself believe that. I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't love but elation that he had liked me so much and had so many qualities that my last boyfriend didn't.

There is a man that I believe is my soul mate, but he's engaged and lives a state away. That man, when he kissed me, made my world erupt like no one ever did before. It was that romance novel kiss where everything goes white and just explodes. I remember us breaking the kiss and he looked at me and said, "What was that?" I knew then that he had felt the same as me and I told him I didn't know. That is the only person I've ever had the experience with. I eventually want to get down to see him sometime as he's not that far from me just to see him. I haven't seen him since 2006 and we are still good friends. I know that if I go alone, I will end up kissing him just to see if I get the same feeling as I did from the first and only time we kissed.

I'm sure some of you are reading this and shaking your heads at me but I really need some good advice. I want my children to have a stable life and have both parents present their entire lives. If I have to make believe that I'm happy for their sakes I will.

Helpful advice is greatly appreciated and I'm sure that some of you will post negatively and I'm prepared for that. If there's anyone that has had this same situation as me, what did you do to be truly happy in your marriage again?
 

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Go get counseling asap. You are all over the place. You dont seem to know if you are hetro, gay, or bi. I also would not let another personin our bed. If you truly love your son, you will go get help. I hope the very best for you.
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Priv8existance hopefully coming here and pouring it out is helping to gain some prespective in a safe way. But, I will agree will Thound that individual counseling is in order so you can sort out all your feelings first.

It's a tough place to be pregnant and with another small child and very unhappy.
 

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okay you don't get married build a life pop out kids and the boom "I'm gay" Look it sounds like you have post postpartum depression that never got diagnosed or treated. I mean literally a lot of your symptoms match up. The worst thing you can do right now is make any life altering decisions. You need to seek a councilor and try to work out what is really going on. experimenting with another woman does not make you gay it makes you curious. Again do not do anything right now until you can identify what exactly is causing you to feel the way you do. Otherwise you might make some stupid decisions wake up one day and realize you have thrown everything you love in life down the gutter because you we going through a rough time.
 

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Welcome, Priv8.

You seem to be creating the biggest obstacles in your marriage. Something in your own thinking is putting up mental blocks that prevent you from finding the intimacy that you're craving. It's like you have something "good enough" and you'll throw it away chasing something you think might be out there. You know that saying, "You don't know what you have until it's gone?" That's likely to be you one day if you continue on the path you're on.

On the other hand, trying to get into something when you just "ain't feeling it" won't happen unless your belief system goes through a change. What change is necessary? That's what a counselor can help you figure out:

- what to do when "I should be loyal" conflicts with "I want freedom"
- what to do when "I want a great relationship" conflicts with "I don't want to own my part in making this relationship great"
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
okay you don't get married build a life pop out kids and the boom "I'm gay" Look it sounds like you have post postpartum depression that never got diagnosed or treated. I mean literally a lot of your symptoms match up. The worst thing you can do right now is make any life altering decisions. You need to seek a councilor and try to work out what is really going on. experimenting with another woman does not make you gay it makes you curious. Again do not do anything right now until you can identify what exactly is causing you to feel the way you do. Otherwise you might make some stupid decisions wake up one day and realize you have thrown everything you love in life down the gutter because you we going through a rough time.
Did I say I was gay? No I don't believe I did. I said I was bi and I know it's leaning more toward bicurious because I haven't had the chance to really explore it to see if it's just a passing fantasy or if it really is the real deal and I'm bisexual.. I will not do anything to alter my life as I'm only speculating at this point. I have stayed faithful to my husband and family. My doctor did put me on Xanax and Prozac shortly after I had my son because of post partum depression. I quit cold turkey 6 months later because I felt fine. My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist and I saw her for one visit and never went back. I felt fine then but I'm not going to deny that I'm not feeling depressed again. We're unhappy where we're living at and can't do anything until we get the money to move out and I'm worried about having another child when I have a 2 year old and I'm unhappy in my marriage.
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Individual counseling is in order asap. I can't really sum it up any better than it already has been.

Marriage isn't about love, it's about commitment. Your emotions will vary greatly throughout your life, staying married isn't about "I love him today", it's about "No matter what, I'm going to make it work today."

I feel like you have a skewed view of what marriage is supposed to be. You need to get into counseling yesterday to start getting this on the right track.

And by the way, get this other man out of your head now. Because if you follow through with what you said about going down "just to see him" (yeah, right), especially since you "know you will kiss him" - you're going to wreck two marriages - yours and his - and you don't have the right to interfere in another marriage like that and frankly should be ashamed of even entertaining the thought.

Get into counseling. Now.
 
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