Advice on making a separation work to put the marriage back on track?

Sorry you are in a place where you need to readdress your marriage issues.
But it sounds like your a pretty positive woman-so that's a plus.

I think you should agree on boundaries while you are separated.


What's actually wrong in your marriage?

When was the last time it was good?

And has anything significant changed in the time between?

Sorry , just trying to get a bit more info..there's a lot of people in here that I'm sure will have some positive advice for you.

There's also some great reading to be done. And if you go into the thread regarding books to self help your relationship there are a few reviews from members.

I wish you love and peace

Thank you oncehisangel. Our story is kind of long (I guess they all are), but I have a post in the general discussion board that pretty much sums it up. I think at the bottom of it though, he's a very selfish person. That was fine when I was very selfish too (in a different way; I was convinced that I didn't need anything from anyone, and I wanted to prove that. I also think I was attracted to his passivity because I was not skilled at negotiating and too focused on getting my own way). Fortunately, I've grown up, a lot. But I'm utterly reeling over the way this has affected our marriage. I feel let down that he won't become an adult with me. Quite the opposite, I think; it seems like the responsibilities of parenthood and grown up life have him acting more like a self-absorbed child then ever. Kids are stressful.

The last time thing were really good was before our second was born, but the changes were definitely set in motion after our first was born. I was only 26, so I was probably partly just ageing into adulthood, but when she was born I really grew up. Overnight, it feels like. I definitely don't want to fix things by going back to being so immature!!

Even if he were to grow up (hopefully counseling will help here), I'm worried about my capacity for forgiveness. That's a tough one for me... definitely one of my biggest flaws. I'm a total scorpio. That's where I really see a separation working for us, just giving me some no-pressure breathing room to miss him and re-discover that desire to forgive and move forward. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself here though, if he actually made some effort maybe I'd forgive quickly. Hopefully!

Thanks again for your response. Saw the doctor and he has ordered further testing, so maybe the medical component is a significant part of the problem. Hopefully that'll be figured out soon.

Oh, wow. Ok, well, to be totally honest, I'm terrified of the disapproval of my family. I'm Catholic (so divorce isn't allowed by my religion), and there's a very strong expectation of just sucking up and making the best. I can just imagine everyone--from my parents to grandparents to aunts, uncles, and cousins--thinking I made the wrong decision. However, even if they all did think I made an awful decision, they are not the kind of people to punish me for it. They'd each probably privately tell me they think I'm making a mistake, listen thoughtfully to what I told them, and that would be it. So rationally, I know I'm making this a bigger thing than it is. No one is going to be mean to me or cut me out of the family.

Obviously, I'm way too sensitive about what other people think and getting their approval. I'm kind of that classic over-achiever/good girl who always does everything right and winds up paralyzed with fear when I contemplate failure. I should read up on overcoming this.

Worse than all this, though, I can't even contemplate inflicting the pain of a divorce on my kids.

A happy life for me... I'm not sure how to answer that. I will spend more time soul-searching.