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Well I don't know entirely about 1 and 2, I wouldn't say I've had a loveless marriage or something...that's a bit harsh.

But the other points are valid. I'll feel better when the last couple pieces of her furniture that you want is out of the house that I am living in. I already have a couple replacement pieces on order that are different.

As far as dating, it's shocking a bit how completely different am I female friend and I are developing a relationship. She is quite different in a lot of ways, all which seemed very positive and a little shocking that someone can be that different
I agree it is a bit harsh. I think your wife loved you but you weren't as perfect as you paint here. You committed adultery and still expected her to get with your program, which everyone on here seems to be conveniently ignoring and making generalizations about her not wanting sex with you etc. I am sure you told her many times that she wasn't doing it for you, the EA was her fault etc. The death knell to your marriage I am sure of it.
You had at least some more years after that as she had every right to divorce you then. You decided to divorce, what else do you want from her? Perhaps you are scared you are making a mistake and you will discover the problem wasn't your wife after all. That's a risk you have to take, you started that ball rolling already. it is too late to go back, the damage is done
 
Look, maybe you are right.

But I want you to think about this, most of the time, if a woman does not want to have sex with you, well... She may not love you. Just saying. Yes you can come up with some outliers if you want to. But let's be real, it is what it is.

It is better that you grieve what really happened, it is better to believe and understand what really happened.

I don't say any of this to hurt you. But I say it in the hopes that you learn and grow, and understand what NOT to do.

I hope that you understand what type relationship to NOT STAY IN, and maybe have an idea of the ones to STAY in... in the future...

Just a tip, if the sex does not knock your socks off, then that would be one to NOT stay in

I hope you can see that...
@BluesPower there are other reasons why a woman doesn't want to have sex with her man

1. He has had an affair
2. he blames her for his affair
3. He continually points out what she is not doing of he marriage
4. he is not safe partner when it comes to her emotions so she shuts down
5. he only ever considers what he can get from the marriage
6. It is always about his work, his hobbies, his sexual needs, nothing about hers or how he meets her needs

There's more but women are not the same as men. it is more of an emotional experience for us women. if my H is being a **** no way do i want to have sex with him.
OP seems to think he has no issues at all? I would love to hear her side of the story.
 
Things are moving ahead, slowly.... I've written a $7500 check to her lawyer so we can at least get a conversation on the "separation agreement" moving ahead.
She is planning on moving into a house that her friends owns (for rent - not with the friend) in the next week or so.
The second home that we own is also closing for sale on July 15. I told her all of the proceeds from that (should be about $75k) that she can just keep, I don't want it.

I was texting her a bit the other day on some items with kids and asked her a bit about the talks she was having with her therapist. The therapist is the same one that we used for about 2 years in couples consoling.

I had asked her if I can stop down and talk to her.
She didn't reply because she was out with friends.
I sent her this message in the morning at one point.
Her reply....though. I don't know if I should feel hurt, or vindicated, or angry, or sad for her? What a stew of emotions there.
How do I interpret her reply? She feels its easier to talk to her good friends (who she rarely has seen until recently. I know this because I kept asking every few months: how is so-and-so, when can we all goto dinner or out together/etc/etc). So she feels able to be vulnerable(?) with her "good friends" but not with me, spouse for ~21 years, known her for about 25yrs, trying to actively engage in couples therapy and I improved so much that even my kids commented on how "easier I was at home and less stressed I appeared to be".

What planet am I on?


View attachment 69886
The divorce planet, this is what you wanted so proceed. Why would you think your STBXW would go away quietly? That is what you wanted right? Honestly, i wonder whether you know what planet you are on also? You like to think of yourself as a reasonable fellow it seems.
 
Discussion starter · #164 ·
Why are you getting so hung up on what your STBXW thinks anymore. You are pretty clear you want to move ahead, appointing lawyers etc.
I suggest she could not be vulnerable with you because your heart was not safe with her. When a spouse commits adultery (in your case EA) then the adulterous spouse is no longer a safe partner. You painted a picture of you being the victim, which imo says a lot about you. No concern for the damage it did to your wife, you lost the privilege of her vulnerability.
The marriage is never the same, giving a part of yourself to another woman which should have been reserved for your wife placed you in the 'not to be fully trusted' zone. You seem very naive for a man who has been married for so many years and says you have done so much work on yourself. It seems you haven't learned much at all.
it is possible for her to be vulnerable but only with those she knows she can trust fully. No rocket science there. And why should you be 'hurt' 'offended' etc, it is what it is.
Let your wife go.

I'm only hung up on the fact that she wants about a 1million dollar settlement which is about 50pct more than any reasonable calculation based on the state law and that she wants to be paid for 11 yrs. I'd sign a 600k settlement today, for 8yrs, which is more inline with the state calculations. That's not enough apparently....I want this over but I'm not spending a million dollars on her.
 
Discussion starter · #165 ·
The divorce planet, this is what you wanted so proceed. Why would you think your STBXW would go away quietly? That is what you wanted right? Honestly, i wonder whether you know what planet you are on also? You like to think of yourself as a reasonable fellow it seems.
I guess following the online calculations for alimony payment, based on NYS law, is unreasonable ... Gimme a break
 
Well! I should have know!
We were never able to, the few times it was needed, come to an agreement or work through anything difficult in our marriage.

In order to attempt to come up with a separation plan, I wrote up a 4 page document in March.
Saying essentially
1) i would pay for every single bill she has for the next 2 years - i mean every ****ing one - even groceries!
2) i would give her 70% of the retirement account
3) i would pay her $2500/mo for 4 years.
4) the balance of the sale of the second house (which just sold) of about $50k
Total tab here would be about $500k
I refined this is a bit and did three more revisions on it. The only response I heard was that the "law says more like 8-11 years for payments".
So I said, ok.... what if we do 8 years then at $2500/mo
No reply....

I then, on my own, paid a retainer for her lawyer in June which was $7500.

To which, I have gotten four replies from the lawyer asking for
1. $5800/mo for 13 years
2. the entire retirement account
3. the entire proceeds for the 2nd house
4. and that I pay 70% of the child care costs (granted my kids will be 16 years old next week)
Total tab here, by her calculations, $1.1 million dollars! And that is just for items 1,2,3 ... let alone how much more item #4 would cost

So my lawyer replied back to her lawyer and her.
The state calculations show $2500/mo for alimony and about $2100/mo for child support.
I've already saved up $250k between two 529 plans for the kids for when they are 19,20,21. New York state requires child support until kids are 21.
So we said, lets do $4600/mo for 2 years, then $2500/mo for 6 years. The years 19,20,21 of child support will come from the 529 plans
I said I would give her 90% of the retirement account
the proceeds fromt he 2nd house as well
Total tab here, is about $670k

The responded with a No. After 3 rounds of that ****, their offer for settlement remained in the $950k-$1million dollar range.
Essentially 50% above the state calculations and for a term of 11 years. In theory, the state term could be between 8-11 years since we were married for 22 years.

She told my kids, which my daughter told me today, that "what difference does it make, your dad will just keep working and make more money, i should say i want $2million"

I filed for a contested divorce on Monday august 10th.

Unfucking real. Its like a magnification of my marriage. I could never meet the right "bar" or threshold. How the hell Is my offer at $670k which is inline with the state calculations an unfair offer.
She has a masters degree in physical therapy and a valid physical therapy license. She is 47 years old. She can easily get a job making $100k a year with benefits.

I've been asking her for the last 2 months to meet and talk about all of this together. Kept blowing me off.
I even asked her about it last thursday the 6th. And she said she "didn't want to argue" What the ****!

She has now selected us on the road of maximum conflict. I am so mad about this.
You know, I think we all told you this would happen.

She is a *****, you never should have stayed married to her.

Go to trial, what have you got to loose.

When this is over please tell us you will never be the "NIce Guy" again.

Get mean, get tough and stay that way...
 
Hey, thanks for sharing with us. This is a tough one for me to advise, because it seems you really love your wife, and are torn. If what you've written is accurate, I think you've tried everything. The therapy, offering to open up your marriage, etc. You seem to be very understanding and open-minded. She seems to be in a funk, and she's not making much effort to get out of it. So, to me, her offer to stay together and suddenly "understand" what you wanted seems suspect to me. She probably doesn't want the hassle of a divorce perhaps; it's hard to say. But I would say, give it a month to a three month time frame (don't tell her this obviously); if you think that she is not changing still, even though you put separation on the table, then you have your answer.
 
Discussion starter · #168 ·
I agree it is a bit harsh. I think your wife loved you but you weren't as perfect as you paint here. You committed adultery and still expected her to get with your program, which everyone on here seems to be conveniently ignoring and making generalizations about her not wanting sex with you etc. I am sure you told her many times that she wasn't doing it for you, the EA was her fault etc. The death knell to your marriage I am sure of it.
You had at least some more years after that as she had every right to divorce you then. You decided to divorce, what else do you want from her? Perhaps you are scared you are making a mistake and you will discover the problem wasn't your wife after all. That's a risk you have to take, you started that ball rolling already. it is too late to go back, the damage is done
Actually what I said was that me spending time sharing my emotions with another woman was totally wrong and that I never want to do that again. I was weak I didn't want to face my fears with my relationship which is why I didn't talk to her about it directly. I didn't want to risk the rejection and losing her. So it was easier to take a weaker path with leaning emotionally on another woman. That's actually closer to what I told her.. which is why I began my own personal therapy in 2015 so I didn't go down a road like that ever again. It's completely wrong I only did it because I was weak person at the time. II never blamed her for that and I took the blame for multiple times in therapy. That was my fault I did that and no one else's.
 
I’m not at all surprised your wife is demanding more. Actually, I would have been surprised if she didn’t. If you are footing the entire bill for a contested divorce, she doesn’t care what it costs because, as she said, you can always make more money. If it wasn’t a bitter divorce before, it will be now. And the end result is that after a trial she will only likely get what the calculator says she should get. But she will have made you spend a lot of money to get there so in her eyes she will have won and you will have lost. Shaking my head.
 
Discussion starter · #171 ·
I’m not at all surprised your wife is demanding more. Actually, I would have been surprised if she didn’t. If you are footing the entire bill for a contested divorce, she doesn’t care what it costs because, as she said, you can always make more money. If it wasn’t a bitter divorce before, it will be now. And the end result is that after a trial she will only likely get what the calculator says she should get. But she will have made you spend a lot of money to get there so in her eyes she will have won and you will have lost. Shaking my head.

Spot on - which is so dumb. I could spend $50k in legal and still come out $400-$500k ahead. so dumb
 
She doesn’t want a divorce so if she thinks that’s even a remote possibility she’s going to tell you whatever she thinks she needs to for that not to happen. And it will likely be temporary change because that’s easy. Real, permanent change is hard and that’s another story.
This is what I said four months ago when you first posted. If she still opposes the divorce then she’ll likely drag this out — stall and delay — and make it as miserable, and costly, for you as she possibly can. Sometimes that’s used to make the one who filed change their mind and stay.
 
hah hah - that ship has sailed...she is going to need a binding resolution from the United Nations Security Counsel for me to pay anywhere near what she is dreaming
I hope that is true...

I think you took too much, put up with too much, and basically abused yourself by staying in this marriage.

I am hoping you can be good to yourself at some point if you life...
 
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