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Discussion Starter #121
If you hadn't shown her papers and if she didn't think there was another woman waiting in the wings her lips would never have ventured south of the border. She's bothering because she knows you have one foot out the door and knows there is another woman who may be interested in you.That's all. When she feels secure again her behavior will revert.
That's a big fear of mine, that once the 'crisis' passes it will be right back to where we were. And then the icing on the cake would be that I'd had burned a bridge with my female friend who I do enjoy....
 

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No...she knows more about the conversations I've been having with my wife and discussions about what each of us may have done wrong etc.
That may or may not be a deal breaker for her (it likely would be for most women). You need to be honest with her that it’s gone beyond just talking so she can decide what she wants to do with that information.
 

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Discussion Starter #125
That may or may not be a deal breaker for her (it likely would be for most women). You need to be honest with her that it’s gone beyond just talking so she can decide what she wants to do with that information.
That is a good point! My wife is planning to take furniture out of the main house tomorrow...which I'm sure will be unpleasant for me...so I don't think reconciliation is really in the cards. My friend did know that my wife was spending the night a few days.

Unbelievable that now I see this "offering" from my wife such as more feelings and wanting be more assertive and the sex part..
After I have started to have some feelings and enjoy the company of my female friend. Unbelievable!

Even more so, wife was talking about starting her own physical therapy practice for some of her current patients that have been calling her during COVID distancing. She is a PT and has worked at a clinic about 10 to 15 hours a week for several years. She never expressed the idea of starting her own practice.... I do find ambition to be an attractive quality
 

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That's a big fear of mine, that once the 'crisis' passes it will be right back to where we were. And then the icing on the cake would be that I'd had burned a bridge with my female friend who I do enjoy....
Research hysterical bonding and mate guarding. There is a threat to the relationship. She is responding accordingly. Once the threat has passed she will very likely revert to normal behavior.

That is a good point! My wife is planning to take furniture out of the main house tomorrow...which I'm sure will be unpleasant for me...so I don't think reconciliation is really in the cards. My friend did know that my wife was spending the night a few days.

Unbelievable that now I see this "offering" from my wife such as more feelings and wanting be more assertive and the sex part..
After I have started to have some feelings and enjoy the company of my female friend. Unbelievable!

Even more so, wife was talking about starting her own physical therapy practice for some of her current patients that have been calling her during COVID distancing. She is a PT and has worked at a clinic about 10 to 15 hours a week for several years. She never expressed the idea of starting her own practice.... I do find ambition to be an attractive quality
There is a difference between spending the night under the same roof in what is known to be a DB and having sex. Your friend has a right to know that you have recently had sex with someone else, even if it was your wife.

Don't read too much into her talk of starting a business. A) It's just talk at this point. Words are wind. B) I'm not sure of your financial situation, but it's possible she's not ambitious at all, but practical. Divorcing means supporting herself. She needs an income source. As things currently stand, until the economy reopens, working as a private PT is probably her best bet. And C) If she knows ambition is something you favor she will pretend to ambition just like she pretends to sex and affection as part of her hysterical bonding/mate guarding gig.

She's doing a "pick me!" dance. Once you "pick her" (again) you're stuck with the actual her (again).
 

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My friend knows I've been talking to my wife. Reconcillation is a bit of a strong word but she is aware that this is difficult all around.
you are now playing with fire and not giving your wife a chance to see whether your marriage is salvageable. I am also wondering whether all the negativity about your wife and marriage are not magnified because of this so called "friend:" in the wings.
Are you trying to justify your pursuit of a separation/divorce. You keep saying you don't want a divorce but you sure want to test drive the new model. This also coming from someone who has already had an affair and given their time and attention to someone else. Why should your wife trust anything about you. If she had come on this site we would have all told her to dump your ass and get rid of you.
Be a man and do the right thing and stop the pontificating. Go ahead and see if far away fields are green. I felt sorry for you initially in the beginning of this thread but am now wondering whether most of us her where not led up the garden path by your sob story, now that there is a 'friend' conveniently waiting in the wings.
To my mind your integrity is in question and you blame shifted your EA totally onto your wife and swept it all under the carpet. Everyone here seems to have also rug swept it and focused on poor you and your tale of woe.
Any self respecting wife would protect her heart from such a husband as you but you are too dumb to see that. You sir are not the poor scorned husband you pretend to be.
A man who spends the majority of his time working and putting work as a priority is setting himself up to lose his wife and marriage. He can buy all the holidays, fancy cars and houses there are but the neglect causes untold damage to a relationship. None of this seems to have featured in your ramblings on this thread.

Neglect in a marriage is a silent killer, I am sure with all your reading you ought to have known that and your wife mentioned what did you have to do to help the marriage, it seems nothing, you are perfect. That is a red flag there and I call bullshit.
We are only hearing half of this story. Do your wife a favour and divorce her.
 

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That's what I fear the most. I have no desire to be divorced etc....but I don't want to wind up in the same barren place and have to go through the same emotional pains again...while having burned a bridge with my female friend who I do really like
sounds a bit like someone wants to have their cake and eat it, cheater speak?
 

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You've pushed the ball 99 yards down the field, are about to punch it up the middle and win the game, and you're handing the other team the ball.

I'm not sure why you want to do that.

Of course your wife is toying with you. It obviously works.

Of course if you try to reconcile she'll go back to her old ways. She'll know that she's one BJ away from getting away with whatever she wants.

Of course she doesn't want to sign those papers. She knows she'll be losing out.

This game is so obvious if you're sitting in the stands. Get some objectivity. Finish the game, spike the ball, and go home and be free.
 

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She doesn’t want a divorce. That means she’ll do what’s necessary (for awhile) to keep you in place. But this isn’t fair to your female friend. That’s why it’s never good to see someone who’s married because they often waffle.
 

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Discussion Starter #131
She doesn’t want a divorce. That means she’ll do what’s necessary (for awhile) to keep you in place. But this isn’t fair to your female friend. That’s why it’s never good to see someone who’s married because they often waffle.
sounds a bit like someone wants to have their cake and eat it, cheater speak?

The timeline is not exactly correct there. I only started talking in depth with my female friend after telling my wife I wanted a divorce. There were no shenanigans at all around that.
 

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Discussion Starter #132
She doesn’t want a divorce. That means she’ll do what’s necessary (for awhile) to keep you in place. But this isn’t fair to your female friend. That’s why it’s never good to see someone who’s married because they often waffle.
you are now playing with fire and not giving your wife a chance to see whether your marriage is salvageable. I am also wondering whether all the negativity about your wife and marriage are not magnified because of this so called "friend:" in the wings.
Are you trying to justify your pursuit of a separation/divorce. You keep saying you don't want a divorce but you sure want to test drive the new model. This also coming from someone who has already had an affair and given their time and attention to someone else. Why should your wife trust anything about you. If she had come on this site we would have all told her to dump your ass and get rid of you.
Be a man and do the right thing and stop the pontificating. Go ahead and see if far away fields are green. I felt sorry for you initially in the beginning of this thread but am now wondering whether most of us her where not led up the garden path by your sob story, now that there is a 'friend' conveniently waiting in the wings.
To my mind your integrity is in question and you blame shifted your EA totally onto your wife and swept it all under the carpet. Everyone here seems to have also rug swept it and focused on poor you and your tale of woe.
Any self respecting wife would protect her heart from such a husband as you but you are too dumb to see that. You sir are not the poor scorned husband you pretend to be.
A man who spends the majority of his time working and putting work as a priority is setting himself up to lose his wife and marriage. He can buy all the holidays, fancy cars and houses there are but the neglect causes untold damage to a relationship. None of this seems to have featured in your ramblings on this thread.

Neglect in a marriage is a silent killer, I am sure with all your reading you ought to have known that and your wife mentioned what did you have to do to help the marriage, it seems nothing, you are perfect. That is a red flag there and I call bullshit.
We are only hearing half of this story. Do your wife a favour and divorce her.

Valid point! I actually said to her a few days ago that I'd sell the business in a heartbeat to an eligible purchaser. I never really wanted in that way....
 

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The timeline is not exactly correct there. I only started talking in depth with my female friend after telling my wife I wanted a divorce. There were no shenanigans at all around that.
Yes, but things are complicated now. If your friend cares for you, she stands a very good chance of getting hurt. That’s why seeing someone married but separated is a risk. Many people waffle about getting out vs. staying and end up staying. The fallout often lands heaviest on the person who was seeing them during the separation. That’s why I feel she should know about the sex.
 

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Discussion Starter #134
Yes, but things are complicated now. If your friend cares for you, she stands a very good chance of getting hurt. That’s why seeing someone married but separated is a risk. Many people waffle about getting out vs. staying and end up staying. The fallout often lands heaviest on the person who was seeing them during the separation. That’s why I feel she should know about the sex.
Yes, I will bring this up with her tomorrow. She knows I am still married and knows my wife has been here several times still. I don't want her in the middle feeling like she is getting shoved aside or treated poorly.

On the other side, I did get the draft of the separation document from my lawyer today to review... Similar to the other documents I hand wrote to my wife that she didn't want to explore or discuss.
 

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Discussion Starter #135
Yes, but things are complicated now. If your friend cares for you, she stands a very good chance of getting hurt. That’s why seeing someone married but separated is a risk. Many people waffle about getting out vs. staying and end up staying. The fallout often lands heaviest on the person who was seeing them during the separation. That’s why I feel she should know about the sex.

My friends says she isn't surprised, and figured it may happen as she went through her own separation too with her exhusband. She says she is here for me regardless of what happens, she wants to be with me and that she is trying to be realistic about what the next year may look like in this together.

Wow....talk about an understanding response.
 

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My friends says she isn't surprised, and figured it may happen as she went through her own separation too with her exhusband. She says she is here for me regardless of what happens, she wants to be with me and that she is trying to be realistic about what the next year may look like in this together.

Wow....talk about an understanding response.
I don't know how healthy she is as a person, but what I do know is this...

SHE actually loves you, you may be a little dense and not know that.

Because you certainly cannot tell that your actual wife does not love you no matter how obvious it is to everyone in the world.

But this friend is there to pick up the pieces when you finally realize that your wife is using you and does not love you.

Is she crazy, who knows.

But at least someone is in love with you. I hope she is a good lay, that may be some consolation for you in the long run...
 

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Your wife is gonna string you along forever.
master reading this....
You married a woman who NEVER wanted sex very often. She really didn’t trick you at all. You got exactly what you knew you were getting. 20 yrs later you want a divorce.
It makes no sense.

you’re the one who‘s feelings have changed.

and you are also wrong to talk to this “female friend” until you have ducorced or at least formally separated for good.

Your wife isn’t into sex, never has been. Every woman I have ever been in love with— we were like rabbits at first, and never went more than 3 or 4 dats without.
You chose to marry a woman who wasn't really into sex. you can change your mind, but I actually have a little compassion for her, and don’t necessarily think you’re in the right to do it (matters not). She’s always been the same. She’s not ever gonna give you good sex.
If you want out, rip off the bandaid and divorce her. But hold off on other women until it’s done. Not maybe done, or 99% done, but DONE.
 

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Discussion Starter #138
In talking with my wife, who is still resistant to the separation/divorce idea. I asked her what a "reset looks like"

She said that she wants me to stop talking/associating with my female friend and to believe whatever she tells me about her feelings regardless of how it looks to me because I don't know what her feelings are so I don't get it discount them by saying that they don't make sense to me.

I said "ok, so if I do that....you'd go-to the gym with me or walk ? We could find a common activity to do a couple times a month? And we could have sex twice a month?"

She said "yes, we could. Those aren't big deals to her"


Wow...so obviously I ask why didn't this happen till now if it was so easy. She said she is saying it now and isn't that what I want??

So I know what's going to happen here.
I ditch my friend (and a future relationship potential there..which does seem pretty alluring) and she is upset. My wife and I start the reset, after 3 or 4 more months of muddling around ... She will tell me that it's not working because of blah blah and she will leave. Then I'll be back here in a crummy spot in my marriage and having burned the bridge with my friend who I care for.

I'm sure that is what would happen?? Am I wrong?? She will have removed the threat to the marriage and the threat of female friend, then it goes back to where it was or worse...
She decides it's not working out...

Meanwhile, I have a check made out to her attorney for $9500 for their retainer which I need pay for her. A court would just petition me to pay it anyway, so I'll just send the check. I'll be in $20k so far in lawyer fees between hers and mine...sheesh...probably 15k more to go I'd imagine.

Important safety tip: make sure your spouse has a job that provides an actual income so they can pay for their own laywer at least....gosh
 

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Yeah you’ve called it, this would be her half-assing it all the way. I do agree that if you were actually going to work on this, you would have to give up your friend. Inappropriate, 100%. But your wife wouldn’t hold up her end for more than about six weeks, if that. And she would keep adding conditions.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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So I know what's going to happen here.
I ditch my friend (and a future relationship potential there..which does seem pretty alluring) and she is upset. My wife and I start the reset, after 3 or 4 more months of muddling around ... She will tell me that it's not working because of blah blah and she will leave. Then I'll be back here in a crummy spot in my marriage and having burned the bridge with my friend who I care for.
You need to define, and put on paper, what a success at working things out looks like. A roadmap that says at this date, x. By this date, y. No relapses. If you want to go that way.
 
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