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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
Update and Part II: My check of phone records showed significant contact with a male client (not someone she had previously known). I became suspicious when I saw he had called cosecutives Saturdays and Sundays recently and dug up other records. They had talked, or tried to talk, 16 times in 10 days prior to a recent family vacation. What stands out about it to me is that she made a big pretense prior to this vacation to state that she may just leave her phone at home to not have any distractions. This from a woman whose phone is attached to her. So immediately I wonder why all the contact right before we go on vacation. I confronted her and asked to see the texts between the two and she immediately stated "He's a caller, not a texter." It eventually devolved into several other stories as "they must have rolled off" until she finally admitted she deleted them. Her story became that her employee was having a affair with this client and she was trying to protect the woman. I asked her how she could choose an employee over honesty with me and we are back to square one.
 

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Update and Part II: My check of phone records showed significant contact with a male client (not someone she had previously known). I became suspicious when I saw he had called cosecutives Saturdays and Sundays recently and dug up other records. They had talked, or tried to talk, 16 times in 10 days prior to a recent family vacation. What stands out about it to me is that she made a big pretense prior to this vacation to state that she may just leave her phone at home to not have any distractions. This from a woman whose phone is attached to her. So immediately I wonder why all the contact right before we go on vacation. I confronted her and asked to see the texts between the two and she immediately stated "He's a caller, not a texter." It eventually devolved into several other stories as "they must have rolled off" until she finally admitted she deleted them. Her story became that her employee was having a affair with this client and she was trying to protect the woman. I asked her how she could choose an employee over honesty with me and we are back to square one.
Deleting texts………. 16 calls in 10 days. Yeah, he’s been hitting it.
 

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Update and Part II: My check of phone records showed significant contact with a male client (not someone she had previously known). I became suspicious when I saw he had called cosecutives Saturdays and Sundays recently and dug up other records. They had talked, or tried to talk, 16 times in 10 days prior to a recent family vacation. What stands out about it to me is that she made a big pretense prior to this vacation to state that she may just leave her phone at home to not have any distractions. This from a woman whose phone is attached to her. So immediately I wonder why all the contact right before we go on vacation. I confronted her and asked to see the texts between the two and she immediately stated "He's a caller, not a texter." It eventually devolved into several other stories as "they must have rolled off" until she finally admitted she deleted them. Her story became that her employee was having a affair with this client and she was trying to protect the woman. I asked her how she could choose an employee over honesty with me and we are back to square one.
OP, You are being lied to.
Your situation just moved up the stack from some disrespectful/mildly suspicious behavior that mainly needed be confronted, reestablish boundaries on and watched - to being extremely concerning, suspicious and deceitful behavior.
There is clearly much more going on here with your wife, that is inappropriate at best and full betrayal at worst.
 

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OK, here we go now, the trickle-truing is on full swing. I bet that it doesn't stop there for OP. This is too much shenanigans.

Myself, I don't think that I could take it anymore.
OP, getting just piss-off won't take you anywhere. Consequences my friend, Consequences.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Part III - male is a client but I'm leaving out some details for anonymity. His family is in a serious issue by all accounts and she has told me this in the past months. What I didn't know is that he was calling at 7AM, Saturdays, Sundays, vacation time and on several occasions she went outside of our home as late as 10PM to call him about his "case." In six months it appears to be approximately 93 phone calls and, as I stated before, they ramped up right before we went on vacation to 16 calls in 10 days. I called her out on all this behavior at that time and it has been an issue since. She was able to gather some of the deleted texts and they amount to approximately 200 in the 6 month period. I've got no evidence of any meet-ups as we are both home every night. But, she works during the day and is very busy in different parts of the city with cases. But I've seen nothing to indicate a sexual tryst as much as I have looked - no bills, no locations, no unusual disappearances. Doesn't mean it hasn't happened during work hours as we all know.

So we have talking incessantly to a male client at all hours (about 300 cell phone contacts in 6 months, calls and texts), talking with an ex and talking with an ex's mother about their birthday gift, talking with a prospective ex that I uncovered (someone who wanted to go out with her but she claims they didn't) in the past few months. I'm not dumb, I've been around, but she insist it's all work related or just her being "nice." "I never intended to help with the football tixs for my ex, was just being nice to his mother" for example. Where I come from, you tell the mother I don't think my husband would appreciate me buying a birthday gift for my ex so the answer is no.

So I'm leaning toward leaving and filing for divorce. Too many red flags, too much drama and just too much in general. I'm of the opinion she needs "attention" and I say that as no excuse - just what I've come to believe. I've told her she can't respect our marriage or me if she is behaving this way and that's a major deal breaker for me.
 

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Part III - male is a client but I'm leaving out some details for anonymity. His family is in a serious issue by all accounts and she has told me this in the past months. What I didn't know is that he was calling at 7AM, Saturdays, Sundays, vacation time and on several occasions she went outside of our home as late as 10PM to call him about his "case." In six months it appears to be approximately 93 phone calls and, as I stated before, they ramped up right before we went on vacation to 16 calls in 10 days. I called her out on all this behavior at that time and it has been an issue since. She was able to gather some of the deleted texts and they amount to approximately 200 in the 6 month period. I've got no evidence of any meet-ups as we are both home every night. But, she works during the day and is very busy in different parts of the city with cases. But I've seen nothing to indicate a sexual tryst as much as I have looked - no bills, no locations, no unusual disappearances. Doesn't mean it hasn't happened during work hours as we all know.

So we have talking incessantly to a male client at all hours (about 300 cell phone contacts in 6 months, calls and texts), talking with an ex and talking with an ex's mother about their birthday gift, talking with a prospective ex that I uncovered (someone who wanted to go out with her but she claims they didn't) in the past few months. I'm not dumb, I've been around, but she insist it's all work related or just her being "nice." "I never intended to help with the football tixs for my ex, was just being nice to his mother" for example. Where I come from, you tell the mother I don't think my husband would appreciate me buying a birthday gift for my ex so the answer is no.

So I'm leaning toward leaving and filing for divorce. Too many red flags, too much drama and just too much in general. I'm of the opinion she needs "attention" and I say that as no excuse - just what I've come to believe. I've told her she can't respect our marriage or me if she is behaving this way and that's a major deal breaker for me.
She's an attorney, I take it?

The number of calls is... suspicious. I mean, she must not be billing him hourly, or you'd think he'd stop calling that much knowing he's just running up the bill, so yeah that is a red flag.

And deleting texts from a client? No attorney does that... you save all those b/c you never know what could happen, and you need to preserve as much of the record as possible.

You're right to be concerned here, and I think you need to start thinking several steps ahead to what you want. If you want to get divorced, stop scrutinizing her behavior and grilling her because she's only going to start to hide potential evidence of infidelity... and you want to preserve that in court. I'd even talk to a professional/PI or an attorney who can recommend a PI and see if they can't catch her in the act. That can get very expensive though, so you have to decide if it's worth it.

If you don't want to get divorced, I think you need to pour each of you a glass of wine, and sit down and tell her what this all looks like to you, and give her a chance to explain herself. If her explanation is a brush off, or doesn't hold water, then your takeaway can be that she's not nearly as committed to this relationship as you are. If she is, then she should realize that she's been eroding the trust a marriage needs to be built on, and the ball is now in her court to make amends.
 

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curious if your wife in discussioning her lies and depcetion realized she screwed up and is now in self-preservation moment? does she understand that she is killing her marraige? did you tell her that you have no trust in her at all? and would she be willing to take a polygraph ?
 

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There's nothing 'nice' about being deceitful. And your wife was clearly deceitful about continued communication with prior lovers. Her behavior was: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and showed zero empathy for you.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior.
Your wife failed.

Put this in terms she (as an attorney) will understand. Normally you would trust her and give her excuses the benefit of the doubt. However, her secretive deceitful behavior with prior lovers has destroyed your trust.

Consequently, as a result of her deceitful behavior, she now has the burden of proof to prove she's been faithful.
And because of her deceitful behavior she can no longer use the words: "trust me".

Trust is a wonderful thing, but once it's destroyed it's very difficult to rebuild. And it takes more than the passage of time (her going underground with her inappropriate behavior) to rebuild trust.

Insist she write a timeline of her contacts with the prior lovers, including every topic they discussed. All subject to a polygraph test. Watch her face. Inform her that now that she's labeled herself a deceitful person, her excuses have no value and her only chance to save her marriage is a polygraph. And a refusal is an admission of infidelity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
No Part IV yet but as an update - I've gone through every record, bill, social media app and can't find any real evidence of adultery. However, trust is gone on my part and she has blocked people as she originally agreed to do and opened up all her communications for my review. Well, all but those that may come in on her office phone but I haven't asked to see those records yet ;). She wants to go to counseling and, no offense to anyone here, I don't really believe they do any good for people that have honest intentions to do right.

She has had a habit of "escaping" previous relationships after a few years roughly along the timeline of ours. I have every reason to believe this is the case now and she was dipping her toes into the water previously to see what interest she received. But I don't have enough to move forward with divorce based on what I believe in. I was probably too vocal about all these issues with her and should have documented and recorded more activity prior to exposing her actions. So I'm in a holding pattern for now - I just hate being in a relationship where I don't trust my partner.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
So I've been rocking along trying to (not always successfully) trust my wife again. Some ups and down but generally moving forward in our relationship. She has brought up that she would be willing to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and I told her I'd research if further. I've been polygraphed before and strongly believe they are a great investigative tool but not so great as a definitive answer to the truth. So we haven't discussed it further and today she springs it on me that she went ag ot that polygraph "that I wanted." No discussion, no preparation, no involvement on my part - she just went and got polygraphed. Of course, she says she passed and I'll get the report soon. Quite frankly, give the total lack of transparency I don't believe anything the report might say and probably doubt my wife more than ever.

Thoughts on your parner just going to get polygraphed without your input? I would have at least liked to have met the operator and been in the same building to believe it really happened.
 

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So I've been rocking along trying to (not always successfully) trust my wife again. Some ups and down but generally moving forward in our relationship. She has brought up that she would be willing to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and I told her I'd research if further. I've been polygraphed before and strongly believe they are a great investigative tool but not so great as a definitive answer to the truth. So we haven't discussed it further and today she springs it on me that she went ag ot that polygraph "that I wanted." No discussion, no preparation, no involvement on my part - she just went and got polygraphed. Of course, she says she passed and I'll get the report soon. Quite frankly, give the total lack of transparency I don't believe anything the report might say and probably doubt my wife more than ever.

Thoughts on your parner just going to get polygraphed without your input? I would have at least liked to have met the operator and been in the same building to believe it really happened.
When you get the report just checking make sure they're all credentialed and everything.
 

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So I've been rocking along trying to (not always successfully) trust my wife again. Some ups and down but generally moving forward in our relationship. She has brought up that she would be willing to take a polygraph to prove her innocence and I told her I'd research if further. I've been polygraphed before and strongly believe they are a great investigative tool but not so great as a definitive answer to the truth. So we haven't discussed it further and today she springs it on me that she went ag ot that polygraph "that I wanted." No discussion, no preparation, no involvement on my part - she just went and got polygraphed. Of course, she says she passed and I'll get the report soon. Quite frankly, give the total lack of transparency I don't believe anything the report might say and probably doubt my wife more than ever.

Thoughts on your parner just going to get polygraphed without your input? I would have at least liked to have met the operator and been in the same building to believe it really happened.
Yes, tell her it doesn’t count and that you will arrange one of yourself, and YOU will choose the questions.
This is extremely suspicious that she would go to all that trouble and do this herself without any transparency and without including you in the process.
She did not do this to build your trust or legitimately vindicate herself, she did this to control the situation and the narrative.
 

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When you get the report just checking make sure they're all credentialed and everything.
The wording of the questions and definitions of terms is everything.

Did you cheat on your husband with man-X last month? - truthful answer: no (I did however cheat with man-Y last year)

Have you ever had sex with a man other than your husband since you’ve been married? - truthful answer: no (I did however make out with an old boyfriend, and I may have blown some guy while drunk at the club)
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
The wording of the questions and definitions of terms is everything.

Did you cheat on your husband with man-X last month? - truthful answer: no (I did however cheat with man-Y last year)

Have you ever had sex with a man other than your husband since you’ve been married? - truthful answer: no (I did however make out with an old boyfriend, and I may have blown some guy while drunk at the club)
Yes, tell her it doesn’t count and that you will arrange one of yourself, and YOU will choose the questions.
This is extremely suspicious that she would go to all that trouble and do this herself without any transparency and without including you in the process.
She did not do this to build your trust or legitimately vindicate herself, she did this to control the situation and the narrative.
Thank you and I agree. Come to find out she submitted the list of questions she wanted to be asked as well ;) She basically preempted any other test and put herself in a position to tell her family she "passed" the first test. Like I stated earlier, I'm probably more suspicious now than I was before.
 
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