To keep a long story short, I'll provide some key points in summary:
- I'm male.
- Had a brief affair that was discovered about a year ago.
- Affair ended immediately after discovery.
- I attended individual counseling before discovery of the affair, and it continues today.
- We attended marriage counseling, and the guy was awful, we left.
- I lost the passion for my wife, even though I tried to regain it.
Marriage counseling didn't work because the guy was awful. So we tried on our own due to my wife's restrictive time schedule. It's not working for me. She wants to act as if everything is as it was. I lost the passion for my wife long before the affair, but accepted my situation and continued with life. Ended being attracted to an old friend, and had an affair.
My wife loves me, and does not want to see me go. We haven't talked about separation or anything along those lines for several months due to a severe health issue on my part that lasted a few weeks. Oddly, I got real sick the day I was supposed to move out. She cared for me the entire time. My wife is a perfect wife. I'm not a perfect husband, especially since I'm no longer in love with her and I had an affair. Other than that, I've done everything good that a good husband should do.
I want to move on, and discover more about me (I have lots of mental baggage after 50+ years - I do not love myself and never have). I also want her to be happy. The two desires are in conflict. I've called myself selfish for wanting to focus upon me truly being happy, and no longer having the fake smile painted on the face of a constantly depressed person.
Knowing that I would cause my wife pain again to discuss separation/divorce drives me back into depression. When I think about being on my own, facing my fears, and learning to love myself, I get excited. Can I do all of what I mentioned (less the being on my own) with her? Honestly, no. I would divide my focus, and put the needs of others first no matter how long the list of those who need was. I refuse to do that.
I'm not young, and I'd like to truly smile inside before I die.
Any advice on how to speak with my wife about my needs?
Please don't call me selfish since I've always put the needs of everyone else before mine. I like helping, and always will. But now I have to give to me for once while I have a little time left.
- I'm male.
- Had a brief affair that was discovered about a year ago.
- Affair ended immediately after discovery.
- I attended individual counseling before discovery of the affair, and it continues today.
- We attended marriage counseling, and the guy was awful, we left.
- I lost the passion for my wife, even though I tried to regain it.
Marriage counseling didn't work because the guy was awful. So we tried on our own due to my wife's restrictive time schedule. It's not working for me. She wants to act as if everything is as it was. I lost the passion for my wife long before the affair, but accepted my situation and continued with life. Ended being attracted to an old friend, and had an affair.
My wife loves me, and does not want to see me go. We haven't talked about separation or anything along those lines for several months due to a severe health issue on my part that lasted a few weeks. Oddly, I got real sick the day I was supposed to move out. She cared for me the entire time. My wife is a perfect wife. I'm not a perfect husband, especially since I'm no longer in love with her and I had an affair. Other than that, I've done everything good that a good husband should do.
I want to move on, and discover more about me (I have lots of mental baggage after 50+ years - I do not love myself and never have). I also want her to be happy. The two desires are in conflict. I've called myself selfish for wanting to focus upon me truly being happy, and no longer having the fake smile painted on the face of a constantly depressed person.
Knowing that I would cause my wife pain again to discuss separation/divorce drives me back into depression. When I think about being on my own, facing my fears, and learning to love myself, I get excited. Can I do all of what I mentioned (less the being on my own) with her? Honestly, no. I would divide my focus, and put the needs of others first no matter how long the list of those who need was. I refuse to do that.
I'm not young, and I'd like to truly smile inside before I die.
Any advice on how to speak with my wife about my needs?
Please don't call me selfish since I've always put the needs of everyone else before mine. I like helping, and always will. But now I have to give to me for once while I have a little time left.