Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
HI. I am 33 hubby is 34.We are married for 7 years with two kids. 4 and 1.5year old. I have an issue with my hubby and his lack of respect when he goes out drinking. He makes promises to return at a certain time but doesn't. He will come home 3-4 or 5 hours later than normal. He has done this too many times to mention. He stops answering calls. Stops messaging.

This weekend I think I have reached breaking point. He asked if I would manage with kids for few hours while he goes for a car show with a group of friends. I said OK (against my better judgement), he made promises about coming home early and taking me and kids to a play area/restaurant so I can unwind while kids play.
He left at 10am.he messaged me most of the day updating me on how things going. What he is eating etc...
Around 4pm I sent him a message saying it's getting late now. And he said "see you soon".... The show was a 5 min drive away from my house.
At 6pm I call him.. He doesn't answer. I call another guy he was with. The guy says he at a dance floor and my hubby near at the bar. I call hubby furious... Why are u not home yet.. U promised to be home early. I'm looking after your kids while you are dancing and partying. He says ok they will leave now...
At 7:45 he is still not home.. The last text I get was saying they helping someone with a flat battery (the other two versions from other hubbies were... They were helping an 8 month pregnant lady n her hubby....or They were helping a family with 3 kids).... Never heard from my hubby again. Called texted... No response.
At 11pm one of the wives sed their husbands called to say the car they all went in together broke down and AA(road side assistance) is helping fix car. At 1pm the same husband answered and sed they still waiting for AA....
Turns out they were allegedly stuck in an area far off from home that is know for nightclubs /strip clubs... The reason they went there (according to my hubby to get more alcohol) according to other hubby's (to get something to eat/ to drop of a friend (who we know for a fact was at home with his wife)
Fast forward..... My hubby shows up at home at 2:30am.
He has lost his phone. Which I find out only when he wakes up...
He has no idea where and when he lost it.

Am I over reacting about all the lies and the disrespect?

I Know for sure he left the car show at 7:30pm... But to come home at 2:30am is just unacceptable.

I would not have such a problem with this... If he gives me the freedom to go out once in a while. I go out with my cousins every 3 months. We don't drink and I keep hubby updated on when I will be home... While I am with my cousins he texts a few times asking how long will I be. Tells me to hurry home.

I went out with my cousins the day before my bday.. Pre- celebration. Less than 2 hours passed and he asked if I'm done yet. I had the nanny at home to help with kids. So there was no need for me to rush home. But he insisted my daughter is asking for me....

The day of my baby shower. My husband arranged a man shower for himself. He started the day at 7am and got home the next morning. I had to drive myself to my own shower being 8 months pregnant. I had to r shocked home from my own shower to release the nanny while he was getting pissed drunk.

After having my baby.. Day 2 in hospital after a c- sec. He decides to drink outside hospital with friends to celebrate. He came to room so drunk that he passed out on my bed in the afternoom... Me having to sooth baby just after having my op walking back n forth in pain n discomfort . I Was so embarrassed that when I had visitors I needed to explain why he us passed out on the bed when I needed him.

The other time I went out with a friend my hubby calls after an hour and says my daughter has a temp he needs me to buy batteries for the thermometer.

Recently I went out with our group of friends, just the wives... We had light supper and coffee. He knew about this two weeks prior. I spent a few hours. When I got home he refused to talk to me. I did nothing wrong. No drinking. Not at bars/clubs etc in fact we were the only people on the restaurant. Yet i get attitude... For what? Only God knows.

So what do I do?

More history - may or may not be relevant... We split everything 50/50... Groceries /bonds/medical aid and take care of our own expenses.

So I am an equal contributer to the marriage. I should expect he would be a little more considerate.

Through out our marriage I found out a lot of lies. Like while he stayed away on site for work. He lied to me he was in bed yet I found our he was roaming around with his friends.

Sorry for extra long post. Please help. It's my first time ever posting stuff on marriage boards.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,719 Posts
HI. I am 33 hubby is 34.We are married for 7 years with two kids. 4 and 1.5year old. I have an issue with my hubby and his lack of respect when he goes out drinking. He makes promises to return at a certain time but doesn't. He will come home 3-4 or 5 hours later than normal. He has done this too many times to mention. He stops answering calls. Stops messaging.
I don't mean to offend you, but you should stop trying to get him to act like a responsible husband and father and instead accept that you made a poor decision to marry him and then again when you decided to have kids with him. By accepting this, you empower yourself to make a decision in regard to your future. I couldn't imagine being married to such a selfish person. If you decide to stay until the kids are older, accept that you'll be the only responsible and dependable parent in the house and he will continue to go out partying like a single person.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
103 Posts
This actually reminds me of my neighbor who has all his buddies (that I call man children) over every weekend, watching games in their garage being loud till 3~4AM. He has 2 babies and he doesn't seem to lift a finger. I always wonder if that's really that fun though. I was out with buddies for the 1st time in like 6 months a few weeks ago, and I was bored out of my mind wondering what my kids are doing. It's just that once you are not in that state of mind, it's not all that interesting.

I am 33 and wife is 31 and because she works 12 hr nightshift 3 times a week, I am proud to say I've been watching 2 kids since 3 months old (1st child was hell, but I was mentally/physically prepped for my 2nd :) ). I feel like the moment your child is born, you just simply gotta lay everything down. He needs to realize that the needs of the family comes before his own interest. I know it's tough and you should really see it from his perspective too. However, it doesnt justify his lack of consideration for you. Like the person above said, you can't really change him. He needs to realize this and decide to change. From the sound of it, he has some growing up to do.

Alot of people will turn to emotional threat or drop the D work in a situation, but hang in there. I wouldn't recommend sucking it up cuz he may not change immediately but you repeatedly communicating how you feel may eventually get him to understand.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I Also do know that I can't force him to change. I won't force him to stop drinking or ban him from going out and seeing his other irresponsible friends. I can only change the way I handle the situation. So either I just let it be... Or behave like him but then my kids will suffer. So I don't know.. Maybe a marriage councillor will help him see it from another perspective. For now for the first time I think it's time something changes. Either he does or I do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,075 Posts
OP, it sounds like your H is an alcoholic. Currently "functioning" but still alcoholic, and bad enough that it is damaging your marriage.

He needs to quit drinking, and he need to quit the friends who are enabling him. He'll only do this if he recognizes that he has a problem, and I don't think he has the maturity level for that.

I would recommend that you look for Al-Anon meetings in your area, start reading Co-Dependent No More, and start considering if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this.

You can't make him change. If you start to respect yourself more and draw hard boundaries and enforce consequences, he may see the light. But there's a good chance that he will never change.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
739 Posts
Going to a car show with a group of friends is something that I would expect kids in middle or high school to do. Not in their 30's.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,647 Posts
Going to a car show with a group of friends is something that I would expect kids in middle or high school to do. Not in their 30's.
Really? Ever been to a car show? Not many teenagers there. Mostly middle aged and retired guys. No different from going to a gun show or ladies going to a craft show in terms of whether or not it's an appropriate activity for an adult.

Keep your eye on the ball--the drinking is a problem. Breaking promises is a problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
739 Posts
I've been to like one car show that wasn't a auto show, but I've never seen groups of guys at either. Usually 1-3 at most.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
335 Posts
Irresponsible enabled (by you) alcoholic. It will continue if you allow it. Clearly you do not want to live this way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Hi Anon13256.....I agree with all the above. Also, you are furious that he is unreliable, inconsiderate and deceitful etc. He may perceive you as the cat he has to outwit, the *****y nagging wife who can't give a guy a little slack to have a few beers with the guys. (I know, I know but hold on......) He is behaving in a selfish and immature manner and you have the role of enforcer. I note the double standard though when you are out he is impatient and snotty when you return. As an experienced Masodipstick who is separated from the KOR (King of Disrespect) I suggest you consider the following: Tell him which night you are going out while he minds the kids. (remove any alcohol in the house) Stop being considerate and checking in with him. Let him call you and give him some bs why you will be late. Stay very calm....maybe he will lose his cool. Remain calm and tell him you'll be home shortly. Be later and let him call you. You get the picture. Only do this if you can trust him alone with the kids, if he will not be drinking and if you think he might get the point and not retaliate by being an even bigger knob. I don't advocate tit for tat, but sometimes when they experience what you are dealing with they might "get it." Or not. Also, you are letting him know that you have children together and that it won't be your sole responsibility to look after them while he parties. At any rate, right now you are being the responsible adult while he is behaving like a teenager so maybe heap some responsibility on him. It's important to stay calm and unaffected while he gets in a flap or ignores you later because he may be getting a kick out of your negative reaction or think his role is to defy his wife so in his mind he is not "whipped." Food for though. YMMV
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,148 Posts
He sounds like a complete ass-hole. An irresponsible, childish ass-hole.

And if I were you, I'd get myself STD tested. Sorry.:frown2:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
465 Posts
OP, it sounds like your H is an alcoholic. Currently "functioning" but still alcoholic, and bad enough that it is damaging your marriage.

He needs to quit drinking, and he need to quit the friends who are enabling him. He'll only do this if he recognizes that he has a problem, and I don't think he has the maturity level for that.

I would recommend that you look for Al-Anon meetings in your area, start reading Co-Dependent No More, and start considering if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man like this.

You can't make him change. If you start to respect yourself more and draw hard boundaries and enforce consequences, he may see the light. But there's a good chance that he will never change.
Irresponsible enabled (by you) alcoholic. It will continue if you allow it. Clearly you do not want to live this way.
My first thoughts while reading your opening post. Sounds like he gets impatient having to watch his own children. (boo hoo)

I was married to an alcoholic and was his co-dependent. Consider those Al-anon meetings. I went to a few...found them quite unsettling but they told me something about myself. That part helps to set you on the path to life change....and you do want a change,don't you?
Waiting for him to change probably ain't going to happen and is a waste of time. All you can change is yourself and your circumstance.

Good luck to you and the little ones.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top