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Advice? How do you make the spouse see the light and end marriage peacefully?

2042 Views 6 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  indiecat
I have been separated for a few months; I moved in with my parents after years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse, most of it occurring in front of our 4 year old son.

My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. For the last 7 years, I have completely supported the family. My husband "worked" with his own business as a contractor, but only when he felt like it. Our son was still sent to the babysitter while my hubby would spend his time hunting, fishing or watching TV. We began building a house 3 years ago, and it sits unfinished. Hubby has literally spent maybe 5 weeks total time out of the last 2 years working on it. We had the money and material put away, so that's not the issue. God knows time wasn't a factor.

Never once was I thanked for holding down the fort or for keeping the lights on, taking care of our son, etc. I was just criticized. I admit, I criticized his poor worth ethic too, but it just kept adding up.

There was not a day that went by that he didn't tell me how "stupid" I was. He was always calling me "idiot" or "moron." He also physically abused me at times, never debilitating, but pushing, shoving, pinching, slapping, squeezing, pulling hair, etc. Our son started to tell other adults how things were in the house, and he began acting out.

Last year, hubby asked me to allow others into our sex life. Excuse me? He said I "wasn't enough" for him, and that having sex roughly twice a week was torture. He wanted more excitement. He began texting inappropriately with another woman, and I began an EA...who, just happened to be the man my hubby wanted to have sexual relations with me in front of him. This ended months ago.

So, I had a lot going on and I told hubby in the spring "look, you need to get a job and start treating me better or I am out." I suggested joint counseling, he refused. I asked for a separation, he refused. So, I stayed in the home, and things spiraled out of control. The verbal and physical abuse escalated. He did get a job, but resented me for making him get one. I left the house in September and never looked back.

Now, hubby is saying I never "tried" and now that he is on anti-depressants and has had 4 counseling sessions, he thinks he's changed. I don't see it. He still has become verbal and physical with me and continues to threaten me "If you divorce me, your life will be a living hell" "I will take our son from you" "I will hurt anyone you ever date" "You will never be happy again." He has also said some things to our son to try to turn him against me.

Here is my dilemma: I want to end this marriage as peacefully for our son as possible. I want a dissolution so we can be in agreement over our son (joint custody) and the property. If I file for divorce, now there is a chance our son would have to be interviewed by social workers, etc. and I hate that. Also, my hubby is not accepting of any of this and said I have not "worked on" the marriage at all. He said I don't understand marriage b/c my parents were divorced.

Is there any advice to get someone to go with a dissolution, or is divorce the only option for me? How can I make him see I am done? Any advice to keeping it easy on my son if it does go the divorce route?
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You said you told him "Shape up or Ship out"...

File. File with intention and look for results if you want.

Edited* I must've missed that paragraph.

Get a VAR, voice recorder, voice activated if you can. Record his next threats. Go file for restraining order and file for Divorce.

Find a person to live with if you have to, to get away from the house, just in case. Restraining orders still have to be OBEYED! He CAN still come and do something to the house.... or you.

Play this carefully. Go talk to a lawyer. Tell them everything.

Sorry, I didn't see the paragraph of his threatening. Fvck him. If they threaten you like that, ehh no. No more chances.

Good luck.
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If you can't sit down and have a adult conversation with this guy I'm afraid all bets are off. You just need to do what you need to do to get away from him.

Otherwise I would try and sit down and try to peacefully talk to him. Though he doesn't sound like the peaceful type. It sounds like you two had a very toxic relationship. Name calling, pushing, shoving, ultimatums etc. He very well may blame you for a lot of things, but he also knows where he went wrong as well.

If you try and talk to him make sure to mention peaceful separation for the sake of the child. Remind him that because of the child you two will remain in contact for a long time. Depending on how you feel about him you can explain that while its the end of the marriage nobody can predict the future. Meaning in time people can change. Hopefully that will awaken his eye's that if he acts like a jerk there is no chance ever of redemption. Though from your post it looks like there is too much baggage now between you two.
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Indeed, don't worry about making him "see the light". There isn't one, or it's not hooked to any power. I have gone through similar x10 and there is NOTHING to be gained and much to be lost. My parents were divorced and I heard many times from him and his relatives about how "my problems" were the result of how I was raised. However, I believed marriage was more than a "feel good" proposition.

We are now just through the 2nd divorce and I am having to accept that he used me and used our children - for money. He's used the Court to hurt me, control me and presented me - without evidence - as abusive, a drug addict and crazy. I'm actually going through a second divorce because after the 1st, he got (took) everything and despite a request for joint custody, he was granted it - as I left the house. It was used as a weapon, and despite numerous violations on his part regarding visitation and being subjected to additional abusive threats and diatribes, often in front of our children, I was told I didn't have a snowball's chance of a custody change - ever. Even despite the fact that I had gone through a lot of positive change since leaving and had always supported the family to the point of the first divorce - which is when somehow, magically, he was able to begin working again.

I was in the process of leaving 1st time around when he gained "the upper hand" by snatching our children with the help of a brother and our pastor. That tore me apart and he was able somehow to have me hospitalized saying I was going to kill our pastor (untrue), he used the observation time to close down our bank accounts and file for divorce plus make arrangements to gain temporary custody. And on and on ... I never had any mental health problems before, and ended up, with no place to live, no job or money ... going through a breakdown. We cancelled the divorce and he bided his time, as I learned, because my attorney had never seen the "settlement", which gave husband EVERYTHING and I could "visit" our children in his or his parents' presence. I just learned since this divorce was filed, that settlement would NEVER have stood in Court and THAT was the reason he wanted to cancel it, not as he told me, love and that he never wanted to file to begin with; that it was all the doing of his attorney.

The recorder is a good idea, if legal where you are. I was able to get a protective order this time round ... despite a long list of things he did and continued, in 2003, I wasn't able to get one. One recording and he wasn't allowed to be on the property. I wanted peaceable too, but sometimes it WON'T happen and there is absolutely nothing in your sphere of control and influence that can make it peaceable. I left in the 2nd time round VERY peaceably. I took next to nothing and we never had a written settlement agreement. I got screwed and taken to Court from that time forward as he sought to cut me off from our children completely. He was very "peaceable" til the divorce was over, then it was either him wanting me to come back, wanting sex or taking me to Court.

Don't let what happened to me happen to you. I was a very competent, efficient and intelligent person with a future and a solid work history; a good wife and excellent mother ... and like I said, he didn't work at all the whole time we were married. Since 2000, I've been a "legally regulated hostage" because of the divorce ... even though we "got back together". And the past two years have been nasty, as he started the accusations in Court again of me abusing our daughters, claiming it is his house, ignoring Court orders and I learned he has been spending thousands on gambling. You were probably naive, as I was ... don't let it destroy the years ahead. If he really cares and really changes, it'll continue and you can make plans in future. Quick change, 180 degrees, doesn't usually happen and hardly ever holds, when it it with someone's back to the wall.
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He still has become verbal and physical with me and continues to threaten me "If you divorce me, your life will be a living hell" "I will take our son from you" "I will hurt anyone you ever date" "You will never be happy again." He has also said some things to our son to try to turn him against me.
Never negotiate with terrorists.

I'm finding it difficult to be objective here, this phrase has made me sooo angry. What a tool!

If you acquiesce to any of his demands, you will be empowering and feeding his sense of entitlement. He's not worth it. And to be honest, I don't see what value this sort of foolish person will add to your son, but that's not my call to make.

Protect yourself. And yes, what Dewayne said.
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Totally agree with the above advice.
File. now. Get a TRO-now. Get a custody and support order-Now. If you have to talk with him at all, tell him you are working on the relationship. He has left you with no alternatives to protect yourself, end the abuse and provide for your child. If he is truly serious about changing, none of the filing should stop his progress. Rather it should convince him of the amount of work he still has left to do. If he does make progress, you can always drop the D action and engage in a real R. No one can R under threats. Sending you big cyber-hugs.
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He calls the woman who pays his bills a moron and stupid? The utter arrogance of the man. He slapped you and pulled your hair?
He threatens to make your life a living hell?

I assume you have talked to a lawyer that specializes in woman abuse? Your local woman's shelter will have a list of lawyers who have seen abuse all too often, they can advise you the best way to handle such a unpredictable, volatile person. You really need this type of lawyer pronto.

Congratulations to you for leaving the house! It takes a lot of bravery to leave. Especially when we live with this type of person, they are so smooth at making us doubt ourselves. They know exactly which guilt buttons to push. It's sickening how slick they can be. But they never change.
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