Indeed, don't worry about making him "see the light". There isn't one, or it's not hooked to any power. I have gone through similar x10 and there is NOTHING to be gained and much to be lost. My parents were divorced and I heard many times from him and his relatives about how "my problems" were the result of how I was raised. However, I believed marriage was more than a "feel good" proposition.
We are now just through the 2nd divorce and I am having to accept that he used me and used our children - for money. He's used the Court to hurt me, control me and presented me - without evidence - as abusive, a drug addict and crazy. I'm actually going through a second divorce because after the 1st, he got (took) everything and despite a request for joint custody, he was granted it - as I left the house. It was used as a weapon, and despite numerous violations on his part regarding visitation and being subjected to additional abusive threats and diatribes, often in front of our children, I was told I didn't have a snowball's chance of a custody change - ever. Even despite the fact that I had gone through a lot of positive change since leaving and had always supported the family to the point of the first divorce - which is when somehow, magically, he was able to begin working again.
I was in the process of leaving 1st time around when he gained "the upper hand" by snatching our children with the help of a brother and our pastor. That tore me apart and he was able somehow to have me hospitalized saying I was going to kill our pastor (untrue), he used the observation time to close down our bank accounts and file for divorce plus make arrangements to gain temporary custody. And on and on ... I never had any mental health problems before, and ended up, with no place to live, no job or money ... going through a breakdown. We cancelled the divorce and he bided his time, as I learned, because my attorney had never seen the "settlement", which gave husband EVERYTHING and I could "visit" our children in his or his parents' presence. I just learned since this divorce was filed, that settlement would NEVER have stood in Court and THAT was the reason he wanted to cancel it, not as he told me, love and that he never wanted to file to begin with; that it was all the doing of his attorney.
The recorder is a good idea, if legal where you are. I was able to get a protective order this time round ... despite a long list of things he did and continued, in 2003, I wasn't able to get one. One recording and he wasn't allowed to be on the property. I wanted peaceable too, but sometimes it WON'T happen and there is absolutely nothing in your sphere of control and influence that can make it peaceable. I left in the 2nd time round VERY peaceably. I took next to nothing and we never had a written settlement agreement. I got screwed and taken to Court from that time forward as he sought to cut me off from our children completely. He was very "peaceable" til the divorce was over, then it was either him wanting me to come back, wanting sex or taking me to Court.
Don't let what happened to me happen to you. I was a very competent, efficient and intelligent person with a future and a solid work history; a good wife and excellent mother ... and like I said, he didn't work at all the whole time we were married. Since 2000, I've been a "legally regulated hostage" because of the divorce ... even though we "got back together". And the past two years have been nasty, as he started the accusations in Court again of me abusing our daughters, claiming it is his house, ignoring Court orders and I learned he has been spending thousands on gambling. You were probably naive, as I was ... don't let it destroy the years ahead. If he really cares and really changes, it'll continue and you can make plans in future. Quick change, 180 degrees, doesn't usually happen and hardly ever holds, when it it with someone's back to the wall.
