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Advice from women who left a bad husband

3386 Views 29 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  Marc878, 
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I posted my story before, but the basics are:
I wasn't a good husband. It involved an EA, alcohol abuse and anger issues. Wife left me a year ago. We've stayed in pretty constant contact. We've had numerous occasions of physical intimacy. Meetings for holidays and birthdays, etc. Several dates.

She's stated that she needed out of the situation I created, has moved to a new city (1.5 hrs away) is getting an apartment and has gone back to school which was always a goal. I've tried to send her a sizable amount of money from each check I've gotten. I wasn't motivate during the first year of separation but I've sober now, reliable and have my issues that lead to her leaving under control and out of my life.

Here as some of my confusions posed as a good/bad list.

The Good:
  • she's recently called me a standup guy
  • she's stated I am more mature and not stuck on getting my way
  • we go on dates
  • we have sex
  • she says "i love you" (never "i'm not in love with you")
  • she's mentioned me spending thanksgiving this year with her family
  • She seems happier now that I have stopped begging and worked on myself
  • her showing of affection has increased
  • she will say she misses me and thinks of me.
  • she has planned weekends for her to visit me and hike, stay the night.

The Bad:
  • her dating is an option, I've accepted but jealousy is a current issue
  • I don't know if her "love" is the same kind as mine. I'm afraid to ask and push her away.
  • I don't know if sex is as emotional for her as it is for me or more of a familiar physical intimacy. Again, afraid to ask.
  • There's no talk of us reconciling. No end date in mind
  • Financially I'm stressed but I love her and she left because of the situation I created.
  • I'm worried of becoming a plan b or the man she loved but is leaning towards it never working out

I realize no one is a mind reader, but I feel like I have reason to hope and perhaps she is afraid and cautious to reveal to much. I understand why she'd feel that and respect her desire to have space to figure out what she wants for her life.

We've been together since she was 15 and I was 17 (14 years ago). I know that young love is dangerous and people change. We've always been very close spent all of our time together. I killed her trust and faith in me, so I realize I have a LONG road ahead of me. I'm willing to spend the time, be patient and take any hits that come my way for the sake of her coming back.
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aine said:
StD, you do have to set a time frame for yourself though, she is probably in a process of healing from the damage you caused, she likes what she sees but if you were the man I think you were, you made a lot of promises and broke every one, that is soul destroying, especially for a woman. She is being very cautious, and wants to see if you will relapse. She may also have a part of her that wants some vindication/revenge. Only you really know her, the being open to date gives her control and leverage which she never had before. Your willingness not to date shows her your commitment.
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Yes, I made a lot of promises and broke every one of them. Only in the last 4-5 months have I been able to keep promises. She told me this weekend that she sort of likes having me do all of the chasing/pursuing since she felt like that was her in our old relationship. She likes to see me squirm a little.

I'm not sure how to even set a time-frame based on how she could be feeling or what I can endure. A time-frame for throwing in the towel? I am leaving that up to her as I refuse to to believe our relationship can't work. But I do plan on distancing myself a little more and putting more effort into being a stronger, more respectable man that isn't so defeated by our separation.

She just texted me today saying that she wants to change her major from Philosophy to Biology. She asked if I promised to help tutor her through her math (which I am good at and she is not). I agreed to help her and reminded her that it meant we would have to continue spending time together to study. She agreed.

So, that's in the near future, but still a couple months away and she's at least planning on wanting me around and in her life for the near future.
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Hopeful Cynic
Personally, at the first news of her having an actual date with someone else, I'd consider the breakup permanent and go no contact.

She's totally stringing you along as a plan B. She likes your financial support, your tutoring, your company if she doesn't have anything else lined up. You are completely wrapped around her finger. And changing her major? She's basically just asked how many more years you would support her.

Do you actually like this life of uncertainty? Can you really still love a woman who would USE you like this?

I don't care what you did, how dishonest you were, how stupidly you cheated. If she was serious about reconciliation, she would NOT be considering dating.

Take the lessons you learned from this failed relationship, put her in your rear-view, and work on being a better man in future relationships.
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S
Sorry, but what advice are you looking for? Your post seems more of an update on your strategy than asking for advice.
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K
You're putting in a lot of effort to show her she can trust you and you should be proud of that, as should she, but apparently she states she is allowed to date others, but you aren't! Seems like she is taking advantage of the situation here. She's keeping HER options open and inviting trouble into your possible reconciliation. New boundaries are being set and it seems they're ALL in her favour.
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sapientia said:
Sorry, but what advice are you looking for? Your post seems more of an update on your strategy than asking for advice.
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Sorry, I tried to be clear with what I was looking for. Yes, part of the post is my strategy, but that is always open for critique or suggestions ( as others have done).

If you've read my posts from the beginning of the thread I think I ask more direct questions, then I have posted updates with where things currently are at. I'm still in limbo on how much contact, the depth of contact and what my strategy should really be - based on how I feel and what I feel are positive developments in my interactions with my wife.
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kirst72 said:
You're putting in a lot of effort to show her she can trust you and you should be proud of that, as should she, but apparently she states she is allowed to date others, but you aren't! Seems like she is taking advantage of the situation here. She's keeping HER options open and inviting trouble into your possible reconciliation. New boundaries are being set and it seems they're ALL in her favour.
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Well, as far as I understand it. If there's any hope of her and I being together then we'd be starting from square one. It's not an R that would lead us back to our marriage. But something that would lead us to a new relationship built on a new foundation.

She feels like she lost her 20's as she was dedicated to me (who was unfaithful) and a church/religion that forced us to forgo things we now wish we would have explored (partying, nightlife, fun, etc...). So she's wanting to just have fun and see where things go. But I've spent 14 years with this person and I see/feel that between us it's still more than just friends hanging out. She will even say things to me to that point, like "who's the only person I love?" to which I answer "me".

I know a lot of it seems like it could be manipulation or cake-eating, but in all my dealings with her, she's never been that type of person, even with her friends and family. Yes at times I feel used and helpless, but other times I really try to understand where she is coming from emotionally and it makes more sense.

Like her wanting me to help her with school. A few people commented that it seems like she is just assuring that I will roll over and give her what we wants. To me it seems like she's at least planning on me being in her life at a capacity where we are still getting together for me to help her study and it's her wanting reassurance that I'd be the type of man that would commit to helping her even when she knows my heart is hurting.

But honestly, I could be way over-analyzing and she is just worried about grades and I happen to be the quick, reliable fix.

I don't see anyway of knowing for sure unless I stick this out until there are glaring and obvious answers on her end that point towards one ending or the other.
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survive_to_die said:
She definitely doesn't want the old marriage or to work on it. She wants to be separated and has said it could be a couple years before she'd know if she wanted anything else. She's not willing at this time to commit to just us.

I'm just confused about it all because she can act very caring and loving. When I ask for more affection when we're together, she gives it. Her words and actions seem conflicting to me. I don't doubt she has conflicting emotions about me.

This weekend I brought up that she wants to be free to date but doesn't want me to date. I asked her why and what that says about our situation. Basically, I'm a committed boyfriend. She said that's what I was willing to do and I countered with "only because if I don't, I lose your trust and I lose you - besides not wanting to date other people."

@aine has sort of reiterated my wife's words that it could take years. I've read stories on here that it could take a long time - even if she is dating and seeing other people.

I guess I always comes back to asking myself "what am I willing to do/endure/wait through." I'm not giving up yet, just frustrated and depressed.
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sorry, i don't care what you've done. this would be a deal breaker to me and i think anyone who wants to keep their dignity.

i read this as: "you grovel and do my bidding, while i sow my wild oats, and then maybe, maybe, jussssssssst... maybe, we'll get back together some day, or i'll throw you a bone now and then".

if what you've done is so nasty that she would treat you like an unequal, then she should give you the courtesy of moving on and telling you and not playing with you like a kitten with a half dead mouse.

i gotta go, this is making me mad.
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jorgegene said:
sorry, i don't care what you've done. this would be a deal breaker to me and i think anyone who wants to keep their dignity.

i read this as: "you grovel and do my bidding, while i sow my wild oats, and then maybe, maybe, jussssssssst... maybe, we'll get back together some day, or i'll throw you a bone now and then".

if what you've done is so nasty that she would treat you like an unequal, then she should give you the courtesy of moving on and telling you and not playing with you like a kitten with a half dead mouse.

i gotta go, this is making me mad.
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She's been on a few dates with other guys, I don't know the details, don't want to know. But she said it was just drama and that any guy that is around or hits on her has been drama and the pickings are slim. I think she's realized that dating around is currently more trouble than good. She's told me there's no one else currently and she just sees me.

When we are together it seems to be good. She's told me she always has a good time. We text a lot, sometimes phone calls. We have sex multiple times on the weekends (almost 2 months straight now).

Yes it makes me mad/hurt/confused but then I also see hope in the situation and confusion on how she acts versus what she says.

I know a lot of people recommend doing a 180 and whatnot. At some point I have to decide what I'm willing to continually endure emotionally weighed against any real possibility that she wants more than what she is saying.

There are a lot of mixed signals. I've read a lot of (maybe too many) stories on here of people being separated where one spouse is off with other people, only for it to work out in the end with the spouses back together. I feel like I can handle the unknowns of other men, the waiting and the push/pull game.

I just want to know I've done all I could humanly do to give us having a serious relationship one more chance.
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survive_to_die said:
She definitely doesn't want the old marriage or to work on it. She wants to be separated and has said it could be a couple years before she'd know if she wanted anything else. She's not willing at this time to commit to just us.

I'm just confused about it all because she can act very caring and loving. When I ask for more affection when we're together, she gives it. Her words and actions seem conflicting to me. I don't doubt she has conflicting emotions about me.

This weekend I brought up that she wants to be free to date but doesn't want me to date. I asked her why and what that says about our situation. Basically, I'm a committed boyfriend. She said that's what I was willing to do and I countered with "only because if I don't, I lose your trust and I lose you - besides not wanting to date other people."

@aine has sort of reiterated my wife's words that it could take years. I've read stories on here that it could take a long time - even if she is dating and seeing other people.

I guess I always comes back to asking myself "what am I willing to do/endure/wait through." I'm not giving up yet, just frustrated and depressed.
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It is really unfair for her to date whoever she wants and yet you have to stay faithful or you lose her trust....she sounds like a piece of work. I would recommend telling her she can have an open marriage and let you date around too, or she can leave. But what I wish you WOULD do is just walk away from her. If she doesn't want a divorce then you can still file and have one granted, whether she signs or not. It just takes longer. Do not let her be in control of the situation, she is just using you. I'm so sorry.
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Marc878
Most would have probably dumped your azz and never looked back.

Keep working on yourself. If you regress you'll be done. Period. End of story.

Sounds like you've turned it around but only time will tell that.

She deserved better than you. But the past is past make sure you keep it there.

You have a good shot if you don't screw it up. At some point I'd say hey I need a commitment or we need to end it and move on. No one needs to live in limbo forever.

Recommit and start anew. Maybe buy here a new ring and say I want to start over now.
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