Advice for moving on

3934 Views 16 Replies 7 Participants Last post by krissie, Dec 13, 2012

krissie

Discussion Starter · Nov 23, 2012

Hello, I am a 38 year old female that has recently been left by my husband of 20 years. I am a Christian and the mother of a 19 year old daughter. My husband and I have been through so many difficult situations during our marriage. I have always tried to be the most loving and supportive wife I can be. 10 years ago he left me and moved in with another woman for about a month. I forgave him and he moved back home. Recently my husband has befriended a lady on facebook from high school. She is terminally ill. This friendship has went too far. He went from just chatting with her on facebook to texting her constantly. So much so that he began to completely withdraw from my daughter and I. His reasoning behind this relationship is that he just wants to be there for somebody that has had a similar background to him. My husband had a very rough childhood. His mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have always taken this into consideration in my marriage to this man. I have done all I can do to be supportive to him. I recently told him that I felt like he was having an affair with this woman even though there is no physical contact at all. On November 5 of this year he left me. He said he is not happy and I am not happy so he decided to move on. He now has his own apartment and we are barely speaking to each other. He is helping to support my daughter and I financially but he really just wants his freedom. I know my husband is spiritually lost right now and it breaks my heart. I have to admit that I do not want him back in my life because I feel I can never trust him again. I found some very disturbing emails that he sent to this woman who is dying. I continue to pray for him but I am just so lonely. Neither one of us have even mentioned divorce but I know my husband is back on facebook again and looks as if he is already in another relationship with a different woman. I am just so hurt. I have given 20 years of my life to this man and I feel so rejected. Looking for some advice on how to move on with my life.

See less See more

Status: Not open for further replies.

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

moxy

· #2 · Nov 23, 2012

File for divorce. Do the 180. Don't talk to him about anything other than daughter and divorce. Join a support group or go to counseling. Get involved with new hobbies or projects that you have neglected in favor of putting time into your marriage because it is time up invest in yourself for a while, too. Exercise 3-5 days a week at a gym you like, just to get out of your old routine and into a place that makes you think of yourself as a person in a body and not just a wife to a guy with serious issues and baggage. If he wants to go play knight in shining armor, leave him to the useless sack if a damsel in distress he ends up with because he will regret it one day. Every time you start thinking of him, redirect your thoughts. Take charge if your life. And...if you need to take time to grieve the end of the marriage, do. You can't move on until you're ready, but you can prep yourself for the motion by gearing up in the right direction.

Hang in there. Sounds like his reasons have more to do with his baggage than with you and you'll be just fine without him!

See less See more

EleGirl

· #3 · Nov 23, 2012

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm sure it's not easy.

Moxy has given a lot of good advice.

You need to build a new life for yourself. Remember that when one door closes another opens. Get out there and do things, meet people, get busy.

One place to find things to do is Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup I’ve checked them out in my area, there are literally dozens of groups to meet up with covering about every topic you can think of.

There might even be a group for women (and even men) in your current situation.

Reactions: 1

Omgitsjoe

· #4 · Nov 24, 2012

krissie said:
Hello, I am a 38 year old female that has recently been left by my husband of 20 years. I am a Christian and the mother of a 19 year old daughter. My husband and I have been through so many difficult situations during our marriage. I have always tried to be the most loving and supportive wife I can be. 10 years ago he left me and moved in with another woman for about a month. I forgave him and he moved back home. Recently my husband has befriended a lady on facebook from high school. She is terminally ill. This friendship has went too far. He went from just chatting with her on facebook to texting her constantly. So much so that he began to completely withdraw from my daughter and I. His reasoning behind this relationship is that he just wants to be there for somebody that has had a similar background to him. My husband had a very rough childhood. His mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have always taken this into consideration in my marriage to this man. I have done all I can do to be supportive to him. I recently told him that I felt like he was having an affair with this woman even though there is no physical contact at all. On November 5 of this year he left me. He said he is not happy and I am not happy so he decided to move on. He now has his own apartment and we are barely speaking to each other. He is helping to support my daughter and I financially but he really just wants his freedom. I know my husband is spiritually lost right now and it breaks my heart. I have to admit that I do not want him back in my life because I feel I can never trust him again. I found some very disturbing emails that he sent to this woman who is dying. I continue to pray for him but I am just so lonely. Neither one of us have even mentioned divorce but I know my husband is back on facebook again and looks as if he is already in another relationship with a different woman. I am just so hurt. I have given 20 years of my life to this man and I feel so rejected. Looking for some advice on how to move on with my life.

krissie ,

Being a spiritual person as i am you must know that you are not ever alone and that God is right there beside you ............ giving you strenght and even before you even pray or speak to Him , He already knows of your tribulations. Please hang in there and do stay strong........ things always happen for a reason and i really do believe that you've made the right decisions for things to be better for you and your daughter. God bless.

krissie

Discussion Starter · #5 · Nov 24, 2012

Thank you all so very much for your heart felt advice. He just physically left my home on November 5, even though he emotionally left a long time ago. I am going to wait until around the middle of next month to bring up divorce. Not only that, I get to deal with having surgery next month. Yes it is minor, outpatient surgery but it just hurts that I will not have my husband there with me. I guess I just get so angry because of all I have given to this man and he is treating me this way. Not only that I found out today he went to Disneyworld today while my daughter and I are scrimping and saving to make ends meet, unbelievable!!!!!!! He is out living the highlife and certainly moving on. I want to do the same and I am going to do the same. I just want to make sure I do things the right way. I will not even think about dating until I get a divorce although I know that is not the case with him. I am going to enjoy my life and take care of myself, thanks Moxie & EleGirl

You are exactly right LearningLifeQDay, he does need to grow up and take responsibility for his actions, that is for sure. I really think this is going to hit him hard one day. I have given him so many chances in our marriage. I will always pray for him to get back on the right path but I cannot continue taking this any longer.
I am so thankful I can speak my mind on here and get great advice from all of you. This is a great outlet for that.:smthumbup:

I know I must keep my focus on God and he is always with me. Thank you for the reminder of that Omgitsjoe

I know my daughter and I will be fine we are trusting in God to take care of us.

See less See more

Reactions: 1

bobby5

· #6 · Nov 24, 2012

I think you are managing very well. You cant change him. Maybe he cant change himself. Be careful if he comes grovelling back. Whatever has got in to him wont leave just because he realises what he has done. He has some deep inner issues to deal with and changs he must make not for you and your daughter but for himself., He can not function as a husband and father till he functions as an adult. Likely much of this is not his fault if his background was so tough but you mothering him like him mother iddnt is not the answer. He must fight his deamons. Win or loose he can change. if he doesnt fight he cant. I wish you the best. Dont play games. I dont think you will anyway. Be loving and firm. He needs to know he cant bluff his way this time.
I would very much like your opinion on my story
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html

Reactions: 1

Mr Blunt

· #7 · Nov 25, 2012

Do as much as you can to forget your husband. He is very dangerous to your emotions and spirit.

Put your efforts and trust in someone that will NEVER betray you

Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

krissie

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 25, 2012

Mr Blunt said:
Do as much as you can to forget your husband. He is very dangerous to your emotions and spirit.

Put your efforts and trust in someone that will NEVER betray you

Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

AMEN!!!! Thank you I am trying very hard to forget about him. Although I am pretty sure now he is having a full blown affair on me now. Oh well that is why we should never put our trust in humans.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your paths straight.

Thanks for the advice.

krissie

Discussion Starter · #9 · Nov 25, 2012

bobby5 said:
I think you are managing very well. You cant change him. Maybe he cant change himself. Be careful if he comes grovelling back. Whatever has got in to him wont leave just because he realises what he has done. He has some deep inner issues to deal with and changs he must make not for you and your daughter but for himself., He can not function as a husband and father till he functions as an adult. Likely much of this is not his fault if his background was so tough but you mothering him like him mother iddnt is not the answer. He must fight his deamons. Win or loose he can change. if he doesnt fight he cant. I wish you the best. Dont play games. I dont think you will anyway. Be loving and firm. He needs to know he cant bluff his way this time.
I would very much like your opinion on my story
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html

Thanks Bobby,

You are exactly right, he definitely has some major issues and is still very much a child in some respects. My husband and I have been seeing a Christian psychologist, separately, for a while now and even he has told me my husband is not mature enough to be a husband. I do feel bad for his upbringing but I have come to realize I can't fix him. He has got to do that on his own. He has caused me so much hurt and pain and now I have evidence that he is actually having another affair on me while we are separated. I have just got to turn him over to God and live my life.

Mr Blunt

· #10 · Nov 26, 2012

Krissie

Is there some interest, one that has absolutely nothing to do with your husband, that you have a passion for? DO IT!!!!

In conjunction with your seeking God, you can immerse yourself in this interest. Maybe seeking God can wind up being your passionate interest. This will not take away all the pain of rejection, betrayal, and all the other emotional hurts, but it will help.

Remember, you are the one that has remained loyal, trustworthy, and committed in your marriage, you have not violated God’s warnings about adultery. You are a valuable woman. Conversely your husband has chosen to violate your faith, violate God’s teachings, and sought his own selfish pleasures. He will reap what he sows someday but that is not what you should concentrate on.

What I would suggest is that you concentrate on is perseverance and being trustworthy of your spiritual standards, continued to seek God, and know that you will be so much better in the future. You will hurt but in time you will be rewarded by God who has promised to reward you. He is the only one that is 100% faithful and can deliver on any and all promises He makes.

Hold on sister, “This too shall pass”

See less See more

Reactions: 1

krissie

Discussion Starter · #11 · Nov 28, 2012

Well, as they say the plot thickens......... I finally have my confirmation, there is another woman. This is so unbelievable!!!!! Also the woman that my husband was in an emotional affair with passed away 2 days ago. My husband's response to me was "Hope your happy now" What a horrible cruel thing to say when someone dies. Not only that the lady actually sent my husband a letter to send to me upon her death. So he forwarded the letter to me. The thing is she isn't even buried yet but I found out through facebook that he is already in another relationship and he says "this is the most excited he has been in a long time" I can't believe how much this man has hurt me. I don't even know who he is!!!!! My 19 year old daughter even told me she doesn't want us to get back together.

I know one thing, I will NOT take him back unless God completely breaks him!!!!!!! It would literally have to be a Saul to Paul miracle before that would happen. I will keep praying for him however. It's like he is living on another planet. I am going to start taking care of myself and living my life for God no matter what!!

See less See more

Reactions: 2

Mr Blunt

· #12 · Nov 28, 2012

By KrissieI know one thing, I will NOT take him back unless God completely breaks him!!!!!!! It would literally have to be a Saul to Paul miracle before that would happen. I will keep praying for him however. It's like he is living on another planet. I am going to start taking care of myself and living my life for God no matter what!!

YES YES YES!!!!

Way to go krissie!

You are a woman with wisdom!

bobby5

· #13 · Nov 28, 2012

This man has major issues you dont want or need in your life. Sure he was once something special to you. Fight for him now and you want get what he was but what he is and thats ugly. You can do better and if you dont get him back and dont replace him you are still better off. You sound strong. He sure isnt. As for the "I hope you are appy now" regarding the death.....Thats like an idiot teen may say and cringe for the rest of their lives when they mature and remember it. Dont be sad your daughter doesnt want him back. That takes away the guilt of taking him back for the familys sake.
By the way, God does not need to break him. He has broken himself by leaving his wife and daughter for what obviously was not love given he has jumped from one affair to the other after a death. Man has issues. You dont need them or him. Rejoice in your sorrow. Your life will be enriched in his absence. May take you time but in time you wont look back. He will. His regret will not warrant forgiveness. Only you can issue that and you dont have to.

See less See more

Reactions: 1

Lavender&Lace

· #14 · Dec 5, 2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you are doing ok...

krissie

Discussion Starter · #15 · Dec 11, 2012

Well, now my husband has finally mentioned the 'D' word. He has hired an attorney and the papers are going to be filed. I am very happy to say I am absolutely fine with it. I have never been more happy in my entire life. For the first time since 17 years old I am finally free to live my life the way God intends for me to live for Him and not under my husband's thumb anymore. I am very saddened by the false sense of happiness my husband has and I will continue to pray for him. He and I have such a history together and I will always care about him and his well being. However it is time for him to grow up and become responsible for his actions. Looks like I will be a single woman now. I will continue trusting God and seeking His will for mine and my daughter's life.

Reactions: 3

Omgitsjoe

· #16 · Dec 13, 2012

krissie so sorry to hear this but as you know things happen for a reason. God has 3 answers for our prayers and requests :

1) Yes
2) Not yet
3) No ............... I have something better for you.

We leave our prayers at His Feet and allow Him to love us as He would. My prayers for you and your daughter.

krissie

Discussion Starter · #17 · Dec 13, 2012

Thank you so much for your prayers. You are exactly right about the three answers to prayers. My daughter and I await with anticipation to see what the Lord has in store for us.

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

Status: Not open for further replies.