[endlessgrief]

We had a thread similar to this awhile back but I figured it would be fun to give advice to the victims in horror movies

After watching so many horror movies, the victims keep doing the same things over and over and end up hamburger. Get in the Halloween spirit and post your advice to these poor unfortunates and have a few laughs.

NEVER take short cuts through the woods.

If you find a good hiding place, STAY THERE, don't peek to see if the bad guy is still there 30 seconds later dum dum!

If you are alone in a house and hear a loud thump coming from the basement, DO NOT INVESTIGATE.

Make sure your flashlight has fresh batteries, they always go out at the worst time and banging the flashlight against your palm 20 times doesn't fix it.

Don't peer into a window of a stranger's house. 9 times out of 10, a huge dog is gonna jump up and bark, thus scaring the sh!t out of you and the audience. That is what I call a STARTLE, not a scare.

If you go to a foreign country and a local weirdo offers you a "special" tour in his van, SAY NO!

If you are going on a road trip, take about 4 extra spare tires with you because you WILL get many flats.

If you do get the upper hand on the masked maniac chasing you with a butcher knife, MAKE SURE HE IS GOOD AND DEAD before you rest next to him. Unless it is Jason or Michael Meyers, they never die.

When in a small town in Bumfcuk Egypt, don't run up to tiny shacks and bang on the door for help. Either they ain't home OR they are in on it. Oh, and if they do let you in, THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY DO NOT HAVE A PHONE. Kill them immediately and find their phone.

Anyone else wanna give these folks some advice?

 

[wiigirl]

Don't be a blonde

 

[Torrivien]

If a beautiful sexy girl come hitting on you and you're positive she's not a prostitute. Chances are she's going to drug you and take your kidneys away or sell you to a place where rich dudes torture you for the lolz.

 

[Gaia]

Don't run up the damn stairs when being chased by a masked maniac... you will never get away that way and always end up fvcking yourself!
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[Gaia]

don't fvck with deaths plan... he'll end up killing you with a bus, fence, ladder that goes through your eye, chop your head off with an elevator, run you over with a semi, and many other things....
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[Gaia]

Don't run in heels period... just take the damn things off and go barefoot.
Don't get naked and swim in a lake that's home to an undead mass murderer.
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[endlessgrief]

That is some good advice so far. Gaia, look at you! Giving some damned good advice, I think I could hear you yelling

If in a public bar, ALWAYS keep your drink in your hand and never leave it unattended. That could be advice to anyone! Damned roofie rapists.

The girl with the biggest ta ta's and the shortest shorts usually ends up being the only survivor.

Never say "what's the worst that could happen?"

Never pick up a hitch hiker, especially if he is carrying an axe.

 

[Torrivien]

Ooooh something endless said about resting beside the body. Don't assume the bad guy is dead and don't turn your back to him, EVER. After shooting or stabbing him, seperate the head from the body, take away his brain and stomp it really good.
Then you can safely assume the dude's dead. (And tell the police it was like that when you got there)

And don't leave your weapon on the table to answer the phone. What are you ? An idiot ?

Always walk in the opposite way from where you hear the weird noise come from.

If it's a full moon out there and you're in the woods. Chances are you're on idiot, in which case you should totally cut your self and paint your head with a little bit of blood. (NOT)

 

[Gaia]

Ooor the girl with the biggest ta ta's and shortest shorts usually ends up being the first to die.
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[Gaia]

And thanks btw endless.
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[Matt1720]

Don't be black

 

[Gaia]

If a guy seems strangely irresistable.. chances are he's a werewolf, vampire, incubis, ect... oh and recently..... stay away from girly dude who sparkle in the sun.
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[Gaia]

Lmao... awesome matt!
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[Gaia]

Do not investigate fallen meteors.


Evolution Trailer HD - YouTube
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[endlessgrief]

Ah yes! The fallen meteor!!!!! Good one Gaia!

 

[endlessgrief]

Ooooh something endless said about resting beside the body. Don't assume the bad guy is dead and don't turn your back to him, EVER. After shooting or stabbing him, seperate the head from the body, take away his brain and stomp it really good.
Then you can safely assume the dude's dead. (And tell the police it was like that when you got there)

And don't leave your weapon on the table to answer the phone. What are you ? An idiot ?

Always walk in the opposite way from where you hear the weird noise come from.

If it's a full moon out there and you're in the woods. Chances are you're on idiot, in which case you should totally cut your self and paint your head with a little bit of blood. (NOT)

EXCELLENT post and hilarious to boot! Yes, separate the head from the body and stomp the brains.

NEVER back away slowly from anyone or any place because you won't see the guy with the hook standing behind you!

And yes Gaia, the ones with the huge hooters and high shorts do die first, but these days, there are at least three in every movie!

In the oh so popular gratuitous shower nude scene in every horror movie, if the chick gets soap in her eye, she should keep a towel INSIDE the shower, not reach blindly OUTSIDE the shower for the towel.

If you are looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror then open the mirror (medicine cabinet) to get some aspirin, DUCK when you close the mirror because there is always a bad guy standing behind you.

Buy a satellite phone because you will lose reception FOR SURE when you need it most (like when you are running in the woods in heels under a full moon and you fall).

Never go back into a scary situation you just got out of to look for your friends. They are probably dead AND you will get a knife to the eye socket.

 

[Coffee Amore]

If you go into a creepy house with a bunch of friends, for god's sake do not separate from each other! Stay together. Safety in numbers.

 

[Torrivien]

Bribe the music guy. You don't want it if he puts some scary piano chords or creepy violin notes.

If your kids start speaking in latin or in an older guy's voice and you didn't have a vasectomy. Shoot them and move away from that house.

If your car runs out of gas and it's night, just stay in the damn car. You're not a surgeon, you don't have to find help right away. Wait until it's day and then go searching for a gas station. And stay away from isolated houses.

If you're chased by a monster and you meet somebody, don't tell them to run. You don't owe them anything. Stab them and offer them to the monster instead.

 

[endlessgrief]

I like the way you think Torrivien!

I think it was Richard Pryor who said that if you move into a house and you hear a scary voice say GET OUT, get the fcuk out!!!!!!!

 

[Dollystanford]

If you are looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror then open the mirror (medicine cabinet) to get some aspirin, DUCK when you close the mirror because there is always a bad guy standing behind you.

this, this right here is why people looking in the mirror at their reflection creeps me the f*ck out