If she is avoiding non sexual intimacy to avoid physical intimacy, I don't see how you can fix this by focusing on non sexual intimacy. This is what my therapist is telling me - to focus on non sexual intimacy - but since some patterns have been repeating themselves for years, it might never happen or it will take years to undo. In the meantime, you remain frustrated and depressed. In my opinion, they both need therapy. I will be discussing this very subject with my therapist next week, but if you think that any non sexual interaction might lead to sex or you think that your partner is doing that just to get sex, you have a mountain to climb, with no guarantee you will succeed. As I said before, you need a "complaint" wife...It appears that your wife may be avoiding nonsexual intimacy (soothing and healing) to avoid the physical intimacy (the part that may be uncomfortable and painful at the moment).
In my opinion you should focus on nonsexual intimacy to help bring the two of you closer.