[theRaven]

First off I already respect a number of the members in this community because of the tremendous self-less support that is given. Most of you of you offer some very sincere, understanding but well-thought and realistic words of advice.

I will try to be concise. Last weekend, I was out celebrating a birthday party for a friend and most of the people (including my wife) had gone home because they were tired. Long story short, I ended up with just my friend (male) talking to two girls in a bar. My intentioned was to be my friend’s wingman, which I realize how inappropriate that is now. Fast forward towards the end for the night, one of the girls was wearing my jacket and I was sitting alone on a coach with my arm around her. There was definitely the opportunity and urge where I contemplated doing more wrong. I was lucky to end the night without further incident.

I’m aware I did a lot of wrong and just because I avoided a full on cheat I know my actions are not justified. Furthermore, I found myself extremely infatuated by this attractive stranger that I shared a night of conversation with. Despite a txt message that morning acknowledging it was nice to meet each other, I have since not made any form of contact. I am confident I can move on past this specific infatuation. I believe it will subside if I choose to move on.

Why I’m reaching out is because I would like to get my head straight because I want my marriage to be the best it can. We are in our mid/late 20s and my marriage is not even a year old (we dated for 6 years), and I’ve already stepped into murky water. I have never cheated on anyone before and this is this the worst thing I’ve done in a relationship (the two I’ve been in). The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I know she doesn’t deserve the pain. I don’t feel that telling her what happened would benefit our relationship, even in the long run. Is it so wrong to withhold what happened? Secondly, is it normal to feel such infatuation towards someone so new and unknown? Do I have deep-seeded issues or is this a test of being human? Any insight, advice or guidance is greatly appreciated.



Thank you.

 

[walkonmars]

You already know that what you did was wrong and could lead to a world of hurt for at least three people but probably many, many, more.

Did you have a lot to drink? It shouldn't matter.

If your wife had stayed with one of her single girl friends and she behaved the way this strange girl did with a good looking man would you want to know? Why?

What would you expect her to do if she felt bad the next day like you do?

Would it be any of your business? Even if it hurt you to hear it?
Be honest - would you feel worse later if you somehow found the texts she received from the hunky new guy - even if she didn't intend to see him again - but confessed to you that 'it could have happened'?

You should drop the friend you were with. He should have pulled you aside and said "Hey dude! what are you thinking bud? - get your head straight" What did he do? High-five you?

Think about these things. It's not a good sign for a person in such a young marriage. Secrets lead to very bad things.

 

[Ovid]

You're pushing limits. This is exactly how affairs start. You should never do anything you need to keep secret from your wife. Follow this rule and you'll never cheat.

It sounds like you were getting validation from the other woman. Work on yourself. Workout, get a hobby, and find ways to make more money. In short make yourself a better man and you won't care so much for external validation.

Your infatuation is the start of the "fog" where the chemicals in the brain get you hooked on the new person. You should never see this girl again.

This one act alone has probably weakened your bond with your wife. You should plan a romantic getaway to reconnect.

 

[MattMatt]

I believe it will subside if I choose to move on.

Then you must so choose.

 

[Ovid]

Just want to second WalkonMars post. Ditch the friend. He's no friend to your marriage.

 

[Ovid]

It's easy to think about screwing around. It's easy to do it. The pain that results from it is unspeakable, and can never be undone.

Here's what you are offering your wife:
Women who have been raped and cheated on report that the cheating was the most painful. Think about that. If you love your wife you will never cause her that kind of pain.

 

[jfv]

Tell your wife, apologize, then take it as an opportunity to discuss boundaries with her.

 

[theRaven]

Thank you all for the prompt advice. These are very good points and while they suck to hear, I agree on their validity and see the worth for my marriage.

Mars, I appreciate the questions. It is an effective way for me to see the other side. I may choose to keep this a secret, and it may never make up for it, but I will work on being a better husband and never to have to keep another one.

Ovid, you're right. I was flattered by the validation of an attractive girl. I do need to work on that aspect of myself. And not trying to make excuses, but I am very educated, an analyst at a non-profit (could make money), and even workout. Yet I've still managed to get myself into trouble. I am aware of the fog, your advice on it is not taken lightly.

Matt, I am choosing to move on. Never meant it to sound like a choice.

 

[theRaven]

Tell your wife, apologize, then take it as an opportunity to discuss boundaries with her.

Thanks for the input.

Boundaries aren't a question here. Arguably a grey area but I know it was wrong for me.

Also, I know these secrets are terrible. But I honestly can't say if she did something like this (and never did anything worse) I would be happier knowing it happened.

 

[walkonmars]

Thank you all for the prompt advice. These are very good points and while they suck to hear, I agree on their validity and see the worth for my marriage.

Mars, I appreciate the questions. It is an effective way for me to see the other side. I may choose to keep this a secret, and it may never make up for it, but I will work on being a better husband and never to have to keep another one.

Ovid, you're right. I was flattered by the validation of an attractive girl. I do need to work on that aspect of myself. And not trying to make excuses, but I am very educated, an analyst at a non-profit (could make money), and even workout. Yet I've still managed to get myself into trouble. I am aware of the fog, your advice on it is not taken lightly.

Matt, I am choosing to move on. Never meant it to sound like a choice.

Fair enough it your life and your marriage. It's probably for the best.
Here's some food for thought for future 'secrets'

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
― André Malraux

 

[Mtts]

I can't say that you're wrong for not telling her, but you are making a choice for her. As her husband you promised to stand by her in all things and by choosing to keep this a secert you will be taking away her free agency to choose how to react. effectively you are forcing her to be ok with your choice.

Something that took me some time (i'm 24) to figure out is the concept of "what she doesn't know doesn't hurt her" is flawed. She will, by human intuition, figure something is off at some point. We all feel like we're better at poker face than we are. By accident or by admission, if it ever happens later it'll be infinitely worse.

My recommendation, just get it over with, doubtful she'll be mad for long. However it's really not fair or wise to decide to hide it.

.02

 

[jfv]

Golden Rule raven, Do unto others, esp. if the 'others' are your loved ones. Would you want her to keep something like this from you? Keeping things from your spouse is a nasty habit. Don't start, it'll just get easier.

 

[Machiavelli]

Learn and move on. Be mentally prepared the next time something comes up. Do rapid reaction drills in your mind considering how to make the correct responses and you'll be prepared. Now, nothing happened at this event, it was a couple of hours talking, no follow up, no kissing, no petting, etc. So, nothing happened.

Since nothing happened, that means there is nothing to tell your wife about. If you go do a "confession" for a non-event like this, she's going to think you're doing a woman-style confession where they go "I hugged a guy" and it really means "I ground my crotch on this guy's leg until I got off." She'll drive herself nuts over this, trying to figure out what really happened that you would bring all this drama over nothing.

Learn from it and put it behind you. No more contact with this girl.

 

[Mtts]

Despite a txt message that morning acknowledging it was nice to meet each other

This is the only reason I disagree. Why does she have your number if it was just a causal hang out? Not trying to witch hunt just saying, I don't hand my number out to many people, especially strange in bars.

 

[jfv]

It doesn't have to be 'confession like'. Just bring it up casually, "I was talking to the friend of a girl that so and so was trying to pick up and it got me thinking..."

Then talk about what you expect from her when it comes to the opposite sex.

Unfortunately It is a conversation that alot of couples don't have until one of them winds up on this forum.

 

[SadandAngry]

Thanks for the input.

Boundaries aren't a question here. Arguably a grey area but I know it was wrong for me.

Also, I know these secrets are terrible. But I honestly can't say if she did something like this (and never did anything worse) I would be happier knowing it happened.

Don't you see? Boundaries are most definitely a question here. You walked quite blindly over several, creating a situation for yourself. This time nothing happened, but what if the woman was a bit more aggressive? Manipulative? What if you weren't feeling as good about your wife or marriage next time, or the time after that, or ...?

You are at the beginning man, life is easy going right now. You don't have much depending on you. And already you let yourself down. You wouldn't be here if you didn't realize that, so good on you. People make mistakes, learn from small ones to avoid big ones.

So, yeah, you are married, you aren't wingman material anymore. You've got better things to do at home. Allow me to suggest a reading list I wish I'd had when I was newly married:

Divorce Busting, Michelle Weiner Davis

7 Principles for (Marriage, can't recall exactly), by John Gottman

Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass

Fight less, Love more, by Laurie Puhn

and a few more you can find on Google, too lazy to go look up the authors just now:
His Needs, Her Needs; Stop calling him Honey, and Start Having Sex; How can I be your Lover, when I'm too busy being your Mother.

Read those, pay attention and you'll be good to go in the marriage department. Read some of the threads on here to see what infidelity brings. It is straight up hell.

 

[Will_Kane]

Stay away from the types of bars where single people go to meet. You're married now. Maybe you have some single friends. Watch football games with them, go out for dinner with them, do not go to singles bars with them. That part of your life is over and if you're not going there to either get drunk or hook up, there's not much point to it. You can't be a "wingman" anymore.

 

[donny64]

I wouldn't be toooo hard on myself if I was you. A swift rap to the nuts should do it...

Seriously though, I think you were okay as "limited wingman", but the moment it progressed to the point where you had your arm around her....well, how would you feel if you walked in on your wife somewhere with her arm around a guy?

Remember how this feels (the bad parts). You know where the boundary is. If you can't chat with an attractive person of the opposite sex and resist her if she were to throw herself at you, then stop putting yourself in a position where that could happen.

The difference between a cheater and someone loyal is not the desire to be wanted, to be with someone attractive or new, but rather the foresight to KNOW where things can lead, and don't ever put yourself in that position. ALL affairs start out with someone doing something "small and insignificant" and putting themselves in a position they shouldn't be in. A small line gets crossed, then another, then the bigger ones. Don't cross the first small one. Have some control and self discipline.

Personally, I don't think my W would have a problem with me playing wingman. She trusts me a great deal. Having said that, a couple buddies and I were out last night for happy hour. The single buddy asked me to be wingman as he approached a girl who had a friend. I politely (lol) jokingly declined by telling him he didn't have a hair on his balls if he was afraid to approach her by himself with her friend there!

I just can't bring myself to put myself in a position, any position, where if the W walked in, I'd hurt her or have her feel betrayed. I try to behave as though she is ALLWAYS WATCHING or that SHE WILL FIND OUT. She isn't, and she probably wouldn't, but it's a good boundary setter. Behave that way and you'll always be safe.

 

[AngryandUsed]

My intentioned was to be my friend’s wingman, which I realize how inappropriate that is now. Fast forward towards the end for the night, one of the girls was wearing my jacket and I was sitting alone on a coach with my arm around her. There was definitely the opportunity and urge where I contemplated doing more wrong. I was lucky to end the night without further incident.

I see this as "lack of self-control". You should address this first.

 

[theRaven]

Mtts, I have thougth what others have said and I see exactly what you're saying by a choice. I am still struggling with what choice I will make. I agree, it will hurt more in the future. But part of me is guilty and I don't want to tell her just for me. I want her to be happy. And no lie, but she had my number because I told her about my job as a non-profit and she wanted to write about it for a school project. I have deleted her number.

Machiavelli, I hear and appreciate your input. I am a lousy liar. But I am lucky that she doesn't have any doubts of what happened that night. Doesn't make me feel any better. But a hard lesson on my character and something I am trying to put behind.

JFV, When I think about telling her I think that is the appropriate tone. Its not my actions that I would have to explain to her, it would be my thoughts. Thoughts that I believe we all think and don't tell our others because it only brings harm.