[Drea266]

Hi everyone this is my first post. I think that my husband has problems with alcohol but he tells me I am crazy.

I’ll start with some background info. When we were dating he got a dwi. I asked him not to drive but in his angry drunk fashion he got into the car, drove and got into an accident. He also is not kind to me when he’s drunk. He continued to be like this often. One time when we were driving home from a wedding and he was drunk I asked him about 3 times put the window up bc I was cold and also pregnant and he became furious, screamed at me and got out of the car in the middle of the city, then didn’t come home until the next day.

Fast forward to us having kids...

I frequently would ask him not to drink until the kids went to bed bc I didn’t want them to see their dad like that and I felt as though it was unsafe taking care of babies/toddlers while drunk. If we had alcohol in the house he would get sloppy drunk every night until it was gone. Then he’d buy more and repeat the process.

It got to the point where I couldn’t leave the kids with him bc on several occasions I would come home to him drunk with the kids. I once found him walking down a busy road with my son in a diaper and I could tell he was visibly drunk.

Time passed and he would continue to come home drunk from work. When I would question him about it he would tell me I’m crazy he hadn’t been drinking. Then one night he came home and a cop pulled into my driveway and said he fell asleep at the counter while ordering food and almost hit someone in the parking lot. He was so rude to the cop and I’ve never seen him act like that. Then he went in our bedroom, smashed a lamp, screamed at me and left for most of the night.

After this I told him he had to get help or I’d leave him as I didn’t want our kids around this. He got help and went to alcohol meetings...

Fast forward to yesterday when we came home from a networking get together and although he wasn’t wasted I could tell he had a few. He said just one drink but I don’t believe him. He’s 185 lbs. one drink isn’t going to make him tipsy and drowsy eyed. He told me I am crazy and it’s just one drink and he had fun.

Anyway I was obviously upset about this and he told me he resents me and berated me about any downfalls I have as a person and mother. He said some extremely cruel things and I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it. I don’t know what to do in this situation. Am I crazy for being upset that he drank considering the past and everything we Went through?

thanks In advance ❤

 

[Sfort]

He's a classic alcoholic. How much more of his behavior are you willing to accept?

 

[Drea266]

He's a classic alcoholic. How much more of his behavior are you willing to accept?

I guess I didn’t want to admit this to myself especially because he downplays it so much and says he’s “not the worst.”

 

[Tasorundo]

I guess I didn’t want to admit this to myself especially because he downplays it so much and says he’s “not the worst.”

Only one person is 'the worst' anything. It does not matter as we are not grading by who is 'worst'. We are grading by what is acceptable to you and if it isn't, then you know your answer.

 

[Sfort]

I guess I didn’t want to admit this to myself especially because he downplays it so much and says he’s “not the worst.”

It's not even close. You need to decide what you're willing to accept. The odds against him changing are extremely low. The odds of him changing without admitting his problem are zero.

 

[musiclover]

My ex was/is a nasty mean drunk. It gets worse as time goes by, trust me. The last 5 years of my marriage was a nightmare. I finally got out of there. If I had to do it again, I would talk about this not 100x to him but once and very firmly.

Set your boundaries and mean it. He needs consequences to his actions. The problem with me is that I kept talking about and he just kept drinking vodka which made him abusive. He didn’t care because he thought I wasn’t going anywhere. Yes he told me that. And he was right, I put up with for years.

Don’t be me. My life turned out great once I got out of that mess.

 

[ccpowerslave]

I have a lot of experience with this as nearly everyone in my family including me has had alcohol problems for centuries (not kidding).

Many times my mom took us out of the house and a few times we stayed at a hotel if she was pissed off enough at my father. He never really got on top of himself until he was probably in his mid 40s. Like many he is “functioning” in that he could do all the stuff he needed to do during the day but at a certain point he just turned into a complete asshole. He walked out of a mandatory detox program.

For the men in my family we’re generally hard partying and immature. So if you’re maturing late then you switch that off eventually.

A major revelation is when you quit drinking do all your networking events, parties, and after work drinks become way more toned down? They did when I stopped and then I realized I was a big part of creating a drinking/party culture where I was. I didn’t even notice what I was doing and nobody told me to stop (my liver told me). Eventually other people picked up the mantle but I was done with it.

So can people change and quit the stupid crap? Yes. Will your husband change? I don’t know.

 

[Mr.Married]

All alcoholics think they have it under control and it “isn’t bad”.
He is such a classic example that he should have it spray painted on his forehead.

 

[ccpowerslave]

One more thing, everyone I know who quit did it because of something inside of themselves not from someone else telling them to do it.

Some I know have gone stone cold sober and others have changed to where they stopped abusing.

 

[Sfort]

my liver told me

Oooh. I forgot about that. A doctor can do a simple blood test to see if the person's drinking is having a physical impact. They can catch it before it becomes irreversible.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Oooh. I forgot about that. A doctor can do a simple blood test to see if the person's drinking is having a physical impact. They can catch it before it becomes irreversible.

Yep go in and get a physical for sure. Your liver numbers will be bad if you’re killing it with alcohol. Fortunately if you stop early enough at least for my friends and I it repairs itself in about six months.

 

[gold5932]

I was married to an alcoholic for almost 40 years. It screwed me up screwed our kid up and is killing him. He’s 63 and dying from complete liver failure. I got out approx 4 years ago and it still haunts me. Don’t let this happen to you.

 

[ccpowerslave]

One other thing to consider is since I am friends with a lot of drunks you know how many have gotten DUI/DWI? Only one ever that I can think of in my entire lifetime with certainly thousands of opportunities for that to have happened.

So your husband is a special level of “don’t care”.

 

[Prodigal]

After this I told him he had to get help or I’d leave him

Anyway I was obviously upset about this and he told me he resents me and berated me about any downfalls I have as a person and mother. He said some extremely cruel things and I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it. I don’t know what to do in this situation.

So I guess your threat to leave him was bogus. First suggestion: Leave his addiction alone. It's up to him to deal with it or not deal with it. Allow him to face the consequences of his behavior. To begin with, you either stay or you leave. You already told him you'd leave and you didn't. Don't make empty threats or set boundaries that you allow him to cross.

Second suggestion: Try out Al-Anon. The only request made of new members is to try six meetings. If it's not for you, that's okay. I started attending Al-Anon in 1996. One thing I learned early on was that I was just as nuts as the alcoholic. I also learned the art of detachment.

Third suggestion: If you say you are going to leave, then leave. I left. I didn't regret it. And I respected my husband enough to leave his addiction alone. I learned to get my side of the street clean and keep it clean. Ultimately, my husband was found dead at the age of 57. He drank himself to death. His life. His choice.

ETA: I frequently say that alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. It will take you down. It will impact your kids in terrible ways. Get out or get dragged under. Sorry I can't offer a happily-ever-after response.

 

[Trustless Marriage]

He needs help. I used to drink a lot and now I regret it looking back. I wish someone would have woke me up years ago instead of my own desire years later. He cannot be proud of himself. Tell him to stop and get help or you are leaving. Something needs to wake him up.

 

[D0nnivain]

Before you do anything, go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings. It's a support group for people who love alcoholics. You are going to get a lot of insight into him & more importantly into yourself & your responses to his bad behavior. Educate yourself & then make the best informed decision for you & your kids.

Good luck

 

[aine]

I guess I didn’t want to admit this to myself especially because he downplays it so much and says he’s “not the worst.”

Alcoholics will lie, tell you the sky is pink and expect you to believe it too. His alcoholism is not going to get better, it is a progressive disease unless he himself admits it and gets help. You need help from groups specializing in this addiction. I suggest you join Al-Anon to meet people in your situation. Until your H realizes he has a problem he will continue to ignore your threats, continue to lie, drink, abuse you, etc. Please also join Friends and Family of Sober Recovery.com. Another UK based programme which is good is Bottled Up, though I see you are in the USA so Al-Anon would be the best for you right now.
You need to read as much as you can about alcoholism and the impact on partners and families. This knowledge will help you understand what his happening so you can make the right choices for yourself and kids.

You also need to start detaching with love. Alcoholics can be very abusive and then when sober the best people in the world, a matter of Jekyl and Hyde. Meanwhile you are sober for it all, it is very damaging for a spouse and children. Partners of alcoholics are so busy managing their AH that they often ensure he does not face any consequences for his alcoholic behaviour, cover for his work, cover with police, cover up his verbal/physical abuse, etc. You may well be co-dependent. Read Co-Dependent No more by M Beattie. You need to let him suffer consequences of his drinking. You did not say what the cop did after witnessing his drunk driving and behavior. Did you cover for your AH? You should have told the office you were afraid and had him booked.

You must start getting your ducks in a row, seek out a lawyer. Confide in family and friends. Stash away money and then make plans to get out. he may or may not decide to get help if he loses everything. Some do, some don't.

 

[In Absentia]

Personally, I think it's a lost battle. Your husband needs to see some consequences. I'm afraid you will have to give him an ultimatum. He sobers up or you'll be leaving with the kids. He is too dangerous and you can't trust him with them. I don't think he will do it, so you just leave. Then he might see the light. But, somehow, I doubt it and he will drink himself to death.