Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Please help.
My step son is now living in mine and my husbands home.
he has been kicked out of every place he has been living since being evicted and his wife leaving him. it is causing a horrible strain on my marriage.
he is 28 yrs old, refused to get a job after getting kicked out of the military, somewhat, they let him finish his last 2 months after punching his sergant in the face and told him not to come back, he got a 15000.00 sign up bonus whice he blew on big screen tvs and partying. he has stayed with grandparents both sides, with him threatning to burn their house down and breaking their necks and throwing wild tantrams, stealing money from them and even as far as waiting until they went to sleep and went into the bedroom and getting car keys from pant pocket and taking off in the car for 2 days.
he now resides with us, and the rules were told to him in black and white, you get a job, he did that with in a week, a 8.00 n hr job not even 40 hrs because this is what he wants to do .,
we control you money, you do not get your debit card and have to ask for what you need, (we have our own money so its not like we need his, we dont touch his money) we pay all the bills so you can save yours and in a reasonable amount of time you get out on your own....he agreed to those rules.
well now he has been getting money out of the account by going to the bank and making withdrawls, should have 750.00 in bank has 97.00..refuses to get a print out for us to see what he is doing with his money,. has threatend my husband with physical violence on 3 occasions, will look at him and say [email protected]@@
you dad, just because he says we treat him like a kid, he is a man and he dont follow rules, he does his own thing and what he does is none of our business, I have to walk around on egg shells because my husband dont want to do anything that will upset him and make him go off, i have been in my neigborhood for three years, and our neighbors didnt even know we existed, they do know because the several hour long screaming and fighting matches going on between he and my husband. my husband wants to give into him and let him do what he wants and still live with us for free....we bought him a car and paid 861.00 for a fine to get his license back, and I told him if you leave the car stays here until you pay for it. He also has 3 kids that he does not support. ANYONE have similar situation
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
Ummmm call the cops if he threatens or TOUCHES you or your hubs. OMG!!! :nono: I would not have him at my house. No way, no how. Hubs would have a choice..........me or him!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
southern wife: So I am not wrong for that thinking then<I told my husband I dnt sleep well at night cause I dont know that he wont make good on his promise and come in our room at night and kill us.
it is that bad.. but my husband keeps wanting that glimmer of hope that he will change. I had to go to doc to get on nerve pill cause i am soooooo stressed out. My husband says let him deal with it and then I wont be stressed. I have to hear and see all this child tantrams....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
When he threatens to physically harm you call 911. If he is a danger to himself or others they will 5150 him & get him the help he so badly needs.

Sounds like he's a drug addict and/or mentally ill.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
523 Posts
The only way you won't be stressed is if you don't live there anymore. Your husband needs to make a choice. We all want to support our kids as best we can but he is not helping his son at all. He is just enabling his bad behavior.

I agree with Southern Wife. I'd be saying "him or me" and then follow up on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
southern wife: So I am not wrong for that thinking then<I told my husband I dnt sleep well at night cause I dont know that he wont make good on his promise and come in our room at night and kill us.
it is that bad.. but my husband keeps wanting that glimmer of hope that he will change. I had to go to doc to get on nerve pill cause i am soooooo stressed out. My husband says let him deal with it and then I wont be stressed. I have to hear and see all this child tantrams....
No you don't! Put your foot down; it's your house. Stand up for it and your marriage! Tell hubs to make his choice. You do not have to live like that. [email protected] if I would!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
southern wife: So I am not wrong for that thinking then<I told my husband I dnt sleep well at night cause I dont know that he wont make good on his promise and come in our room at night and kill us.
it is that bad.. but my husband keeps wanting that glimmer of hope that he will change. I had to go to doc to get on nerve pill cause i am soooooo stressed out. My husband says let him deal with it and then I wont be stressed. I have to hear and see all this child tantrams....
I'm with SW. Either the step son goes or I go. And I'd be giving your husband a timeline to when that would be. You can't control others, but you do have complete control over what you will tolerate and when.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Emerald: I dont think he has a mental disorder per say, other than everyone in his life has givien into everythreat he has made and gave him what he wants just to calm him down, he told me Ill just leave if I cant control my own debit card, I said Buddy this door swings both ways he are welcome to leave anythime you want. he said give me my debit card, I said give me the keys to the car, he did,. I gave him his card and that when he threatend he DAD and Dad threw him out on the street, only to let him bback 3 days later completely broke and had went thru all the money we saved in his account, when he came back I told him to go get a statement from the bank , well he called his dad and told him it was none of out business what he does with his money he is a grown man, and the fight began again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
I'm with SW. Either the step son goes or I go. And I'd be giving your husband a timeline to when that would be. You can't control others, but you do have complete control over what you will tolerate and when.
:iagree:

You do not have to hang around and witness WW3 in your own home. Call the cops, leave, etc. If they want to beat the crap out of each other, let them. Doesn't have to involve/include you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
Emerald: I dont think he has a mental disorder per say, other than everyone in his life has givien into everythreat he has made and gave him what he wants just to calm him down, he told me Ill just leave if I cant control my own debit card, I said Buddy this door swings both ways he are welcome to leave anythime you want. he said give me my debit card, I said give me the keys to the car, he did,. I gave him his card and that when he threatend he DAD and Dad threw him out on the street, only to let him bback 3 days later completely broke and had went thru all the money we saved in his account, when he came back I told him to go get a statement from the bank , well he called his dad and told him it was none of out business what he does with his money he is a grown man, and the fight began again.
More evidence that you need to prepare to walk on both of them. This is so dysfunctional it's not even funny.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
Emerald: I dont think he has a mental disorder per say, other than everyone in his life has givien into everythreat he has made and gave him what he wants just to calm him down, he told me Ill just leave if I cant control my own debit card, I said Buddy this door swings both ways he are welcome to leave anythime you want. he said give me my debit card, I said give me the keys to the car, he did,. I gave him his card and that when he threatend he DAD and Dad threw him out on the street, only to let him bback 3 days later completely broke and had went thru all the money we saved in his account, when he came back I told him to go get a statement from the bank , well he called his dad and told him it was none of out business what he does with his money he is a grown man, and the fight began again.
Stop putting money in his account! If he wants/needs money, he can get a J.O.B.!!!!!!!!!!

Stop being an enabler.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
There wouldn't be anymore raging fits either. The very next time he gets loud in that house, I'd be calling the cops. He's behaving in a threatening manner... they wouldn't have any problem getting things under control. He hit his supervising officer in the face! The man doesn't have any respect and thinks he can bully people into submission (because that's what's worked in the past).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Southern Wife: he has a job, we dont put money in his account it is from his paycheck wich is about 120.00 a week, and he has no accountablitity , everything that happens is everyone elses fault, he has no fault at all, ever, I have raised 6 children of my own and I have never experienced anything like this. He has a younger brother by 3 years and this guy is awesome he is only 25 and has a but load of money his own town house.how can 2 kids be from same family so different, his brother wont even help him ....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,456 Posts
Two words: Tough Love.

If this young man is allowed to continue living with you and your H, he will not only destroy your marriage, but in all likelihood will find a way of spending every cent you and your H have.

He needs the sort of help that neither of you can give him - professional help, and he needs to be got into counseling as soon as possible. I don't know if alcohol or drugs is involved, but his behaviour doesn't sound normal for a 28 year old man.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Emerald

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
casmos: we have told him that he needs professional help, and then he says its his dads fault that he is the way he is and tells him things that his mom supposedly says, but then my H will call the ex and catch him lying. I dont know if there is drugs n alchol involed either, I have no way of proving that, I just love my husband and can not for the life of me understand why he is enabling this child, I would have done tossed mine out on his ear and wouldnt think twice about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I really want to thank all of you for your advice, and to me support.
I am 46 yrs old and was enjoying my life of travel and just fun things. that I just enjoy, it has all ended, I think I need a support group but cant seem to find anything for this just occasion but I am sure I can not be the only one
thank you thank yoiu from the bottom of my heart
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
I really want to thank all of you for your advice, and to me support.
I am 46 yrs old and was enjoying my life of travel and just fun things. that I just enjoy, it has all ended, I think I need a support group but cant seem to find anything for this just occasion but I am sure I can not be the only one
thank you thank yoiu from the bottom of my heart
Honey you don't need a support group. You need to give your husband an ultimatum and then stick to it. You aren't required to endure this any longer than you WANT to. Keep that in the back of your mind. You put up with it because you choose to.... RIGHT NOW. But at any given time, you can decide you've had enough. I think you reached that point weeks ago. ;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
Your husband needs to put his foot down with his son.

If he threatens violen ce, call the police and have him arrested. This guy has serious issues if he went so far as to punch his sargeant in the face. (Omg!)

I wouldn't want him in my house. It's not your problem that he can't handle money. I'd prob have kicked him out already but maybe your husband can give him a cut-off date he has to move out by.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,456 Posts
casmos: we have told him that he needs professional help, and then he says its his dads fault that he is the way he is and tells him things that his mom supposedly says, but then my H will call the ex and catch him lying. I dont know if there is drugs n alchol involed either, I have no way of proving that, I just love my husband and can not for the life of me understand why he is enabling this child, I would have done tossed mine out on his ear and wouldnt think twice about it.
Guilt (often misplaced) is often a reason why a parent continues to enable an adult child like this, and it sounds like your step-son is a master of the art of manipulation...

The point is, Chanty, enabling him will prevent him from being forced to come face to face with his demons and deal with them. He can blame anyone and anything for his problems, but until he owns them and faces them he's going to be on a path of self-destruction.

If step-son won't go for counseling, it might be an idea for you and your H to go and discuss things with a therapist?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Emerald
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top