[Gerbera]

We've been married a bit over a year now. We're both coming on 30 years old.
I generally feel he's too good to be true: generous, romantic, passionate, supportive. Fantastic.
No one is perfect, the only thing keeping him shy of the mark is pot.
I never thought anything about it, believed him to be an occasional smoker, and had no qualms.
Beginning about 6 months ago, if he wasn't at work, he was either stoned or talking about it. I began to let him know I was uncomfortable with his frequency, first in teasing manners, then being more direct. I had a birthday celebration, and he left a few times to go smoke with his friends. When I asked other guests where he had gone, and they let me know, I was embarrassed. That night, instead of being intimate (on my birthday!) I told him I was disappointed, and went to sleep.
The final straw was when I was heading to work for the evening, and he said he was staying in for the night. His toking buddy accidentally came over early and I heard my hubby say "You're early! She's still here!" The issue was no longer about pot, but about trust.
I couldn't believe he'd jeopardize our trust for the drug. I set an ultimatum: pot or me.
He was quick to answer "YOU!," but then a few days passed, he was invited to his poker game, and he begged to smoke.
So our conversation began again.

He's out of town tonight. At a concert all weekend long with his buddys, who will be high the entire time.
I'm terrified of being forced to carry out the ultimatum. I don't want to end my marriage to this wonderful man, but also feel I must stand my ground if he chooses to smoke.
What are my options?

 

[NothingMan]

You've already used up your options when you gave him the ultimatum. Thats why I never use those. It doesnt leave you any wiggle room after you say it.

The trust issue. Look at this way, if you hadnt reacted with an ultimatum or even hatred of smoking pot, abhorrence, whatever, then you wouldnt have put your husband in the position to have to sneak it.

He's going to smoke pot. Some people just do. Some folks drink coffee. Some drink alcohol. Some smoke camels. I will tell you that people who do smoke pot often will equate it to drinking a beer. The only difference is one is illegal. And now only in some states. For instance mass. recently decriminalized it. Its still illegal, but it's just a fine now.

That being said, if everything else about him is awesome, why put the screws to him? Why not let him smoke his pot and cherish everything else about him? I promise you, you can do alot worse for a partner then a pot smoker. FAR worse. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, infidelity, cheating, stealing, lying, lazy, emotionally detached etc.

The person who made it into a deal breaker is you. You knew he smoked pot when ya met him. You knew he smoked pot when you fell in love with him. Now suddenly it's not ok for him to smoke pot?

It's like the story about the old woman and the snake. Havent heard it? Ill tell it to ya. You see there was this old lady who loved animals. One day while walking down the street she see's this rattlesnake on the ground who had gotten run over by a car. She feels bad for him so she takes him home and nurses him back to health. A month later she's reaching into his tank to feed him and he bites her. In shock she says "Why did you bite me? I took care of you when you would have died, you owe me your life!" And the snake looks up at her and says "Lady...you knew I was a snake when you picked me up."

John

 

[Blanca]

I had to watch a sister of mine go through this. her H (boyfriend at the time) started using just a little bit in the beginning of the relationship. she gave him ultimatums, etc, but ultimately it came down to her being too scared to leave him. she was afraid of not showing unconditional love and of also losing his love.

six years later, after horrible fighting and her constantly trying to get him to change, they had a baby. the day after she gets out of the hospital with the baby he left her. he vanished. it was so tragic. he turned up every few years for money, but that has been it.

 

[Sandy55]

He won't quit the pot until it hurts him badly enough to quit. All addicts are that way. The con column gets longer than the pro column, THEN the addict "sees the light". Sometime they never do see the light and just check right on out, pot, drugs and all...

You are in the pro column, an enabler.

You gotta be strong enough to hop into the con column and stay there.

 

[Gerbera]

Thank you all for your input.
Nothingman: I understand likening pot to having a beer. So please go back to my post, and every time I reference smoking, replace it with drinking. Were that the case, we would call him an alcoholic. And I understand that you believe that things could be worse. I have been in physically abusive relationships with alcoholics. Which is why I have learned to set boundaries early on.
Update for all:
He smoked the first evening of the concert series. I told him I have chosen to stand my ground, and move out. Then he got it. He said he regrets his decision, and will never partake again. We are also looking for a therapist to work on the damaged trust.
Thank you all again.

 

[NothingMan]

Good Luck.

 

[Sandy55]

Yup. Good luck. It isn't going to be simple..or easy.

 

[NothingMan]

Have you considered asking him to limit his pot smoking to perhaps 1 time a week..or 2 times a month? I mean...I kinda feel bad for the guy..going from full time burner to not at all on the heels of an ultimatum. Its no way to live. Or treat someone ya love.

I think i'll go tell my wife...it's either coffee or me. Im tired of her drinking coffee every morning...god. Her addiction to caffeine is out of control. Its me or the joe baby!



John

 

[martino]

We've had this discussion here before, nothing good comes out of smoking pot. Burns brain cells, it really does. Costs money, terrible on your lungs and breathing capacity. Gerbera your list of complaints and reasons why you hate his pot smoking will grow in time. It will be a bigger issue here three months, six a year from now.

 

[NothingMan]

We've had this discussion here before, nothing good comes out of smoking pot. Burns brain cells, it really does. Costs money, terrible on your lungs and breathing capacity. Gerbera your list of complaints and reasons why you hate his pot smoking will grow in time. It will be a bigger issue here three months, six a year from now.

Nothing good comes from alcohol. Nothing good comes from caffeine. Nothing good comes from persticides on vegetables. Nothing good comes from internet addiction. Nothing good comes from working 20 hours a day.

Good doesnt have to come from everything you do. You can do something that isnt "good" and have it not ruin your life.

If he's smoking every day...thats a problem. Once a week or once in two weeks? Shouldnt be a problem.

My wife hates it. I enjoy it. I go out with the boys once every two weeks. I get to smoke pot with them. Im happy and she's happy. I used to be a full time burner like the OP's husband. My wife asked me to cut back and that was our compromise. No hard feelings on either side.

The fact that it costs money is a non-issue in our relationship. Show me the study that proves it does irreparable harm to brain cells.

Maybe we should all be the same. Lets all decide to wear the same clothes, use the same vocabulary and all become vegans. That way nothing we do can be deemed inappropriate by anyone else. We should make a list of all the things we can do that only "good" comes out of.




John

 

[NothingMan]

I had to watch a sister of mine go through this. her H (boyfriend at the time) started using just a little bit in the beginning of the relationship. she gave him ultimatums, etc, but ultimately it came down to her being too scared to leave him. she was afraid of not showing unconditional love and of also losing his love.

six years later, after horrible fighting and her constantly trying to get him to change, they had a baby. the day after she gets out of the hospital with the baby he left her. he vanished. it was so tragic. he turned up every few years for money, but that has been it.

All this guy did was smoke pot and he split? I would hazard a guess it was far more then just pot and more then one reason as to why he took off. I also question the wisdom of having a child with someone who after 6 years is still like that.




John

 

[NothingMan]

Sometimes I think these outlandish attitudes towards marijuana stem from the movie reefer madness. Newsflash folks...it isnt the way it is portrayed in the movie.



John

 

[martino]

Well here you go Tommy Chong. You need me to post in in another forum incase you forget where I posted this? ha ha....


How Does Marijuana Affect the Brain?
Scientists have learned a great deal about how THC acts in the brain to produce its many effects. When someone smokes marijuana, THC rapidly passes from the lungs into the bloodstream, which carries the chemical to the brain and other organs throughout the body.

THC acts upon specific sites in the brain, called cannabinoid receptors, kicking off a series of cellular reactions that ultimately lead to the “high” that users experience when they smoke marijuana. Some brain areas have many cannabinoid receptors; others have few or none. The highest density of cannabinoid receptors are found in parts of the brain that influence pleasure, memory, thoughts, concentration, sensory and time perception, and coordinated movement.1

Not surprisingly, marijuana intoxication can cause distorted perceptions, impaired coordination, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, and problems with learning and memory. Research has shown that marijuana’s adverse impact on learning and memory can last for days or weeks after the acute effects of the drug wear off.2 As a result, someone who smokes marijuana every day may be functioning at a suboptimal intellectual level all of the time.

Research on the long-term effects of marijuana abuse indicates some changes in the brain similar to those seen after long-term abuse of other major drugs. For example, cannabinoid withdrawal in chronically exposed animals leads to an increase in the activation of the stress-response system3 and changes in the activity of nerve cells containing dopamine.4 Dopamine neurons are involved in the regulation of motivation and reward, and are directly or indirectly affected by all drugs of abuse.

Addictive Potential
Long-term marijuana abuse can lead to addiction; that is, compulsive drug seeking and abuse despite its known harmful effects upon social functioning in the context of family, school, work, and recreational activities. Long-term marijuana abusers trying to quit report irritability, sleeplessness, decreased appetite, anxiety, and drug craving, all of which make it difficult to quit. These withdrawal symptoms begin within about 1 day following abstinence, peak at 2–3 days, and subside within 1 or 2 weeks following drug cessation.5

Marijuana and Mental Health
A number of studies have shown an association between chronic marijuana use and increased rates of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and schizophrenia. Some of these studies have shown age at first use to be a factor, where early use is a marker of vulnerability to later problems. However, at this time, it not clear whether marijuana use causes mental problems, exacerbates them, or is used in attempt to self-medicate symptoms already in existence. Chronic marijuana use, especially in a very young person, may also be a marker of risk for mental illnesses, including addiction, stemming from genetic or environmental vulnerabilities, such as early exposure to stress or violence. At the present time, the strongest evidence links marijuana use and schizophrenia and/or related disorders.6 High doses of marijuana can produce an acute psychotic reaction; in addition, use of the drug may trigger the onset or relapse of schizophrenia in vulnerable individuals.

What Other Adverse Effect Does Marijuana Have on Health?
Effects on the Heart
Marijuana increases heart rate by 20–100 percent shortly after smoking; this effect can last up to 3 hours. In one study, it was estimated that marijuana users have a 4.8-fold increase in the risk of heart attack in the first hour after smoking the drug.7 This may be due to the increased heart rate as well as effects of marijuana on heart rhythms, causing palpitations and arrhythmias. This risk may be greater in aging populations or those with cardiac vulnerabilities.

Effects on the Lungs
Numerous studies have shown marijuana smoke to contain carcinogens and to be an irritant to the lungs. In fact, marijuana smoke contains 50–70 percent more carcinogenic hydrocarbons than does tobacco smoke. Marijuana users usually inhale more deeply and hold their breath longer than tobacco smokers do, which further increase the lungs’ exposure to carcinogenic smoke. Marijuana smokers show dysregulated growth of epithelial cells in their lung tissue, which could lead to cancer.

Effects on Daily Life
Research clearly demonstrates that marijuana has the potential to cause problems in daily life or make a person’s existing problems worse. In one study, heavy marijuana abusers reported that the drug impaired several important measures of life achievement including physical and mental health, cognitive abilities, social life, and career status.11 Several studies associate workers’ marijuana smoking with increased absences, tardiness, accidents, workers’ compensation claims, and job turnover.

 

[NothingMan]

Dont worry...I bookmarked it so I dont forget where it was. Wait...where did my bookmarks go...

Im not tommy chong. Im an occasional pot smoker. Meaning once a month, sometimes twice. For example currently I havent smoked in three weeks.

Again, point me to the actual study. Not a page from the internet saying "This study shows" or "Studies have shown". I want specific studies with the results and testing theories so I can read them and come to my own conclusions. Not what the FDA says. Or any other government agency. I think we can all agree that we cant trust the man. Or wait a minute...maybe Im paranoid.

Remember! Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not REALLY after you.

Also, I dont agree with smoking pot every day, or smoking it if you can't "handle" it. What I am against is being told what I can or cannot do, by anyone. At any time. We are all adults here and capable of making decisions based on who we are and who we are married to that don't require a second or third party telling us no.

Nobody tells me no. Give me a good reason why not and i'll come to that conclusion on my own.




John

 

[martino]

It isn't my job to point you to any studies there High Times, do it yourself if you need beyond what I posted. It's your right to engage in illegal activity that can get your car impounded and your ass in jail. It's your right to burn brain cells, it's your right to put carcinogens in your lungs and reduce your breathing capacity. Don't compare that to some caffeine or pesticides on your salad. That's the bone head argument that all dope heads make. That's all I have to say on it.

 

[NothingMan]

My comparisons were generalized to anything that we may do in our lives that may cause damage in the long-term. They were not meant to be specific to smoking pot.

Should I cut and paste some anonymous studies about long term pesticide exposure? I assure you the damage they do is significant. So much so I grow my own vegetables. The point is using a study that cant be backed up of fact checked as a basis for an argument is faulty.

Just because you read it somewhere doesnt make it true. I think the internet as a whole is a case study on that. Furthermore, martino, you wont see me use name calling as a device to argue a point either. So, you can call me tommy chong if ya want, high times, pot head, dopey, burnout..whatever ya choose, because in the end it only serves to make you look close minded.

nice BDSM duck btw..I read a study that engaging in BDSM was more damaging physically and psychologically then smoking pot. Need to me to post a link to a study? Or are you "done" like every other time you've reached the end of your rope in a discussion?





John.

 

[martino]

Ah ha! this is classic...shows your intelligence. No I think i'm done, you aren't worth another second of my time.

nice BDSM duck btw..I read a study that engaging in BDSM was more damaging physically and psychologically then smoking pot. Need to me to post a link to a study? Or are you "done" like every other time you've reached the end of your rope in a discussion?





John.[/QUOTE]

 

[freeshias4me]

Don't compare that to some caffeine or pesticides on your salad. That's the bone head argument that all dope heads make. That's all I have to say on it.[/QUOTE]

:lol:

:rofl:

Too true...And too funny!

 

[voivod]

i love when a discussion like this turns into "well, i don't believe your pot studies because i've ingested pesticides in the legal vegetables we all eat."

pot is illegal, regardless of the physical effect it has. illegal. as in go to jail illegal. if illegal behavior is going to lead to issues in a relationship, a decision has to be made.

either that or change the law. the the attitude will change? nope vive-versa. sociology teaches us of societal mores and values. there's a sociological reason pot is illegal. it's on us.

 

[NothingMan]

Actually, voivod, Pot is not "Illegal" in all states. In fact, recently, it has been de-criminalized. You can have up to 1 oz. on you at a time. And it's a 75$ fine. So it's alot like a speeding ticket. Do you speed, voivod?


Alright ya bloody do-gooders and your anti-drug war. If the guy is smoking weed every day several times a day, yes its an addiction. Yes he has a problem. Yes it isnt good for you in that amount. MY point is, if he can control himself, smoking occasionally isnt an evil. Reguardless of your local laws. If I want to come home from work and smoke a joint on my porch, goddamnit Im going to. If that makes me an "addict pot head idiot" in your collective minds, then so be it. Why is there so much animosity about weed here? ****, your all narcs arent you?



John