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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone. I apologize in advance as this is going to be rather long. Let me start from the beginning:

My "husband" and I have been together for over a year. I use the quotations because we were to be married this summer. Let me describe "Michael". Simply put, he was perfect. Literally perfect in every way. He is a gentleman. They type to open a car door or pull out your chair. He's terribly romantic as well. Leaving little notes in my truck seat and picking me wild flowers "just because" is the norm for us. He was an awesome father figure to my son as well.

When we first started dating, all I knew about him was that he had been in some trouble. I didn't know what. Being the kind hearted person I am, I decided to give him a chance. He fell for me quicker than I did for him. I've learned, from past relationships, to guard my feelings and not let anyone too close. When I did fall, however, I fell hard. Not only was he my companion, he was my best friend. We could tell each other anything.

After approximately three months of dating, he finally let me in on the big secret. He had been on drugs (Oxy Contins) and had broken in to his sister's house. I was shocked. We dabbled in occasional recreational use, but I just couldn't imagine this person I'd grown to love being THAT bad. By then, though, I was in love with him and was willing to help him through it. Things were going great. His family absolutely adored me. He was working 12+ hours per day, paying bills, paying on fines, and all the things he was supposed to be doing. The judge told him he saw no reason NOT to give him probation since he was working and passing drug tests. Yes, you read that correctly...PASSING drug tests.

So his sentencing day comes. We were ALL shocked when the judge sentenced him to 1-15 years! In a matter of minutes my life was destroyed. I was totally devastated. Never in my life have I cried as much as I did that day. "Michael" cried just as much as I did and kept apologizing and telling me that he loved me. How was I going to explain this to my son? He loved Michael as much as I did and called him Daddy. I just told him Michael had to go away for a while but he would be back.

After Michael was handcuffed and taken to jail, his lawyer came outside and talked with me and Michael's mother. He told us Michael had a severe drug problem, and that this was the best thing for him. Mikey had failed a drug test and the Oxy levels in his system were so high they didn't know how he was even functioning. I felt like a total idiot. How could he have been THAT bad on them and me not know? Never once did I see him nodding out or anything, and I know what to look for. I understood he was an addict, but it didn't lessen the hurt.

Two days later and I am absolutely furious! The drug abuse wasn't the only thing he'd been hiding. He had robbed me. Guns, a pressure washer, a diamond bracelet, and a camera. I thanked God Mikey had went to jail because I, quite literally, might've killed him. Me? ME?? Of all the people in the world, me. The only person who's stood up for him for the past year. The only person who bragged on what a great job he was doing. The only person who told him, frequently, how proud I was of him. I felt so used, manipulated, and stupid!!

I talked to him. He called from jail. I asked him about everything that was missing. He came clean and told me where everything was. He told me the truth. I tracked every single thing down. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about. He told me no. I begged for my forgiveness and told me he loved me. The next day I'm at his parents' house gathering my, and my son's, belongings. For some reason I cannot remember, his mother was going through his wallet. We found a pawn ticket, which turned out to be the bracelet, and, brace yourselves, a credit card.

It belonged to a family member and was maxed out. Actually, it was over limit, which I don't understand. If it had been simply a few thousand, that would've been bad enough. Turns out it was maxed to approximately $35k. His parents were willing to pay payments on the balance, but the credit card company wanted it paid in full. It was press charges or pay it off...and the card owner cannot pay that kind of money. So there's pending charges on top of the 1-15.

Turns out he had been lying all along. He had not been paying on his fines. He hadn't paid one penny on them. He was using me to his mother to get money. He was using me to get payday advances from his boss. He tried to convince his "friends" I was as bad as he was. He told them I sent him there because I was "sick" and needed something. Oh, and he would flash that card around. He always made it a point to tell them not to tell me about that though. What kind of sense does that make? If I sent him there, why couldn't I know about it?? I guess, towards the end, it didn't really matter if he lied well or not.

In the three months since all this started, or ended depending on how you look at it I guess, I have been doing a lot of reading on addiction. While it doesn't justify his actions, it explains them. He has told so many lies that he actually believed them himself. He hid his addiction from me because he "didn't want her to think I'm a bad person". I truly believe he loves me, but he needs help. Not only because of the addiction, but because of, what I believe, is the underlying cause. When he was 21 he watched as a co-worker was, literally, ground up when he fell in to an industrial wood chipper. Mikey was holding the man's hands, trying to pull him out.

I believe he's right where he needs to be...in jail. He now admits he has a problem and is seeking help. He's off the drugs, obviously, but he realizes he still has a problem. He's asked me numerous times to let my family know how sorry he is for everything he's done. He never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. I believe that. I believe he, somehow, rationalized it all in his mind and was convinced it wasn't as bad as it really was. I don't believe, however, that he deserves to be behind bars for years because of this credit card. Maybe they'll give him a certain period of time to pay it off?? I don't know. Seems to me as long as they get their money they'd be happy.

I'm over my anger with him. The hurt is still here. And, surprisingly, the love is still here. Mikey was my soul mate. I have never connected with another human being, other than my son, as I did with him. I've done a lot of soul searching and have come to realize that I will never stop loving him. My head says it's stupid to hold on to any hope of us ever being together, but my heart sings a different song. The heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wants Michael.

The fact that I am a huge disappointment to my family whenever I don't do whatever they think is best for me doesn't help my situation. I realize they only want what's best for me, but it's my life and my decisions to make, right? The only person I should worry about being happy is myself, right? I'm 33 years old and am fed up with my family treating me like a 10 year old.

Also, even though we aren't legally married, we considered ourselves married and I consider marriage a sacred thing. Marriage vows are 'til death. Divorce is an easy answer and I am not looking for an easy way out. It's easy to say "I'll always be by your side" when things are going great, but what about about when things take a turn for the worse? The vows are "for better or worse", are they not? I've believed this my entire life, so what a hypocrite I'd be if I simply gave up on him now, right?

I'm sorry this is so long. Truly I am. I am desperate for some unbiased advise!! I have no one I can talk to about this except for you, internet friends.
 

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So you've been together for less than a year, and he's been lying to you the whole time about his drug problems, money, etc?

I'm sorry, but you love someone that doesn't exist. You don't know the man that you think you're in love with. I doubt HE knows the man you think you're in love with. You just know the lies he's told you.

Leave, let him go and get the help he needs, and maybe he can be happy in the future. But don't let him drag you through his own hell.

C
 

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If you really love this guy, you have issues. I suggest IC to figure out if you're codependant, delusional, or just gullible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I've often thought that as well, PBear. On one hand, I detest him for what he's done. On the other, I honestly am not sure if that's the real Mikey or not. People, not just friends of his but upstanding citizens here, will brag about him all day long even after all he's done. In fact, the exact words of his boss were "I swear, if he could just get off the dope you couldn't find a better person. He's the best worker I've ever had and he'd do anything for anybody. Everybody loves Mikey, he just needs to get off the dope." So there is a reason I tend to think that "my" Mikey may have been the real, or at least part of the real, Mikey.

As far as "having issues", Hope, yes, I do. I've never been through anything like this in my entire life and I, quite honestly, don't know how to react. I feel as if I'm living a double life. One minute I hate him and never want to see him again. The next I'm sobbing like a child hoping he's getting the help he needs and that we can work on setting things right.

As far as staying together, I have no delusions that it will all be sunshine and rainbows. I know there will be trust issues for, well, ever, and it would be like getting to know each other all over again. After being devastated by him like this, I just can't know right now if it's worth risking the hurt all over again. And, even if it's not, if I eventually found someone else, how can I ever trust anyone again?
 

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So you've been together for less than a year, and he's been lying to you the whole time about his drug problems, money, etc?

I'm sorry, but you love someone that doesn't exist. You don't know the man that you think you're in love with. I doubt HE knows the man you think you're in love with. You just know the lies he's told you.

Leave, let him go and get the help he needs, and maybe he can be happy in the future. But don't let him drag you through his own hell.

C
And, if I may add, take care for yourself. Find help also for you. You know it always takes two to play tango...
 
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