[fianceofangler]

We are taking contraception to a level we never experienced before. I have never NOT had sex in a relationship but our decision to stop after 2 years is because we do not want accidents.

I am atheist he is a Catholic. We are engaged and are talking about family and our views. Here where we are at.

If an accidental pregnancy was to happen I want an abortion. He does not.

I find it really irresponsible when he says, "I want kids but not now because I feel we are not ready financially BUT if an accident happens I will raise it anyway."

I guess he wanted me to be comforted but I wasn't. I want a kid but only if both absolutely want it and will not have mixed emotions on its future.

I find this to be a half-assed way to go about life. One has to be prepared and cautious for such life changing scenarios. You either want a kid and have it or you don't and get rid of it for the good of all involved.

I would rather not have sex than give birth to an accident. I have known many people who had a hunch growing up that they were not intended and they were always right and it is cruel. Yes they are regular members of society but I will not be responsible for someone living that existence.

Yes there are happy accidents out there but I am not someone who happily shrugs in the face of failure. I work hard and take precautions.

Anyway I told him how I felt. Sometimes he gets enticed to do something and I say,"You know where I stand" meaning if he has to have sex with me I am allowed to handle accidents as I see fit . Usually this puts an end to things.

I am proud we are taking this much precaution despite differing views.

 

[Mavash.]

I know accidents happen but I don't see the point of this conversation. The pill is 98% effective so why discuss something that may or may not happen. I took the pill for 20 years and never had an accident.

 

[827Aug]

I am atheist he is a Catholic. We are engaged and are talking about family and our views.

You are bound to have many more stumbling blocks along the way. The abortion issue is probably just the proverbial tip of the iceberg.

 

[YinPrincess]

I know accidents happen but I don't see the point of this conversation. The pill is 98% effective so why discuss something that may or may not happen. I took the pill for 20 years and never had an accident.

Catholics are generally against using forms of BC... I am unsure whether or not OP is not using BC because of her fiance's beliefs... (Side note: I became pregnant TWICE while on the pill. Yes, I used it correctly... LoL)!

OP... Think long and hard before you get married. :/

When do you think you might want children?
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[fianceofangler]

Marriages have been ruined because these issues were never brought up in the beginning. I live a very organic life and never take any pills of any kind no matter how "harmless." I will not pump chemicals in my body for any reason. I just take care of my body a lot but also believe that I have power to improve my life and fate by being well-informed .

He and I discuss politics all the time and we agree to disagree a lot but one day our dinner discussion gave way to us talking about our views on things that are very important but young couples do not see the point in talking about.

I am not a fan of the "C'est la vie" mentality. Never was.

 

[Amplexor]

Catholics are generally against using forms of BC

I think you will find that most American Catholics do not share the view of the Vatican on birth control. My wife and I are both lifelong Catholics and have used various kinds of birth control though out our relationship including my own decision to be sterilized once we were done having kids. Our views on this subject are in the majority within the practicing Catholics we know including my 85 year old mother.

 

[YinPrincess]

Amp - I grew up rigidly Catholic (I've since moved away from those values). The rigidity came from my father, mainly. So much so, that when he found out my mother was using BC after they married he forbade her to continue. (Thus, myself and my siblings arrived).

It is good to know that many practicing Catholics are now open to the responsibility and importance of using BC methods.
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[norajane]

A diaphragm plus condom might be a good option for you. BC isn't just about pills.

How does he feel about abstinence? For how long?

And I agree with those who have said there are probably other issues that you two will disagree on, and you should definitely discuss all of them before marriage. Sex, finances, living situations and lifestyles, religion (and whether you will raise your children in any religion), sharing of household duties and responsibilities, children and expectations about SAHM or working moms...so many things that need to be ironed out. You can't agree to disagree on those things,

 

[fianceofangler]

I think we both got frustrated at first. It was hard for me too because we had to set a boundary in intimacy which I had never done before so I did not know how to approach.

After a couple of days we started to do alternatives. If ever we do break rules it is understood that I will handle any unfortunate outcomes using MY solution if ever contraception fails. In a way he still has a choice.

 

[Tikii]

My husband and I started having sex long before we were prepared to have a child. We woul never have aborted and unintential pregnancy. Like your fiance, we did not have the intention of having a child at that time, but if it happened, it happened and we would raise the child. I could NEVER abort a child if my husband or the father of the baby wasn't 100% on board. I would never think of saying "by having sex, he's giving me permission to make the decision if it happens", especially when I am not willing to take a contraceptive to prevent it. For the record, I have never and will never take birth control.

I let my husband read this, and he said he would leave me if I ever had the attitude displayed in that most recent post. "In a way he has a choice" is disgusting. A child that is created together, should only be destroyed together.

 

[that_girl]

I don't know how an atheist and Catholic person can be happy, especially when kids come.

Good luck with that. I honestly mean that.

 

[MEM2020]

love this suggestion.

The combo is 99 + percent.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

It's too bad you can't have your uterus removed and put in storage somewhere. How cool would that be?

Does your guy know that most birth control works by stopping the implantation of a fertilized egg? This includes some forms of the pill and also IUD's.

Maybe you too can try alternative sex meaning figuring out ways to fulfill each other physically and emotionally without doing anything that would lead to pregnancy. Or is he so Catholic that he will only have sex for procreation purposes?

I am with your guy. If I got pregnant I would not destroy a life. I am a woman, and I have had to have an abortion because of fetal tissue being necrotic and threatening my life...the baby would not have lived, still it was a traumatic thing to have happen to one's child and it sounds like he is a sensitive person and would be traumatized by any such undertaking so you are correct to look out for him in this way. It speaks volumes of you that you have not considered just doing something like getting an abortion behind his back and keeping quiet about it and have rational thoughts about how far you are willing to go to be a parent, or not.

I was in a relationship with a guy who refused to use birth control and would tell me if I got pregnant that I would 'have' to have an abortion, that if I didn't he would be an absentee parent. I ended up getting a divorce after he promised to use condoms and then slipped it in me without putting one on (after he had been caught cheating).

It sounds like you two are more mature than that. Unfortunately it may come to mean that you do not get married, as it seems like your values are inconsistent on a major level that really does affect your relationship, and will continue to affect it after your marriage. The only thing I can see is that you harvest eggs and have a hysterectomy and use a surrogate but even then you might have to face some kind of issue like ending up with triplets and one of them needing to be 'culled' to protect the others...

Then there is the issue of your kids...when they are older and start having sex...what will you two decide as parents to advise your children if they are minors, when it comes to unwanted pregnancies? And what if one of you has an affair and it results in an unwanted pregnancy...

There is more to this than just an unwanted pregnancy at this time. It is a major value difference. About something that is important in marriage (sex).

 

[fianceofangler]

we did not have the intention of having a child at that time, but if it happened, it happened and we would raise the child.

I LOVE sex. Sex is awesome but is not a reason to have an accident as big as this. We are growing by being abstinent and are probably more realistic than the average engaged couple. Core values are not tampered with no matter how much temptation. Anyone else ever been in this situation?

 

[Lon]

I was always afraid of accidental pregnancy more than sex too, the result was I never got sex. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to just man up and buy some rubbers.

As for B.C. lots of methods are highly effective - if you are able to abstain, like I always pretty much did, you have a very good chance at using pull-out method successfully, with "perfect use" it is actually atleast as effective for B.C. as condoms - the tricky part is most guys don't have the discipline for perfect use every time... though I did (cause I was terrified of accidents)

And if you combine pullout method with fertility awareness (ie chart method or rythm method) you are probably as likely to get pregnant from a public toilet. Also, perfectly fine if its not your thing but there is also the "backdoor method".

 

[Anonymous07]

I am atheist he is a Catholic. We are engaged and are talking about family and our views. Here where we are at.

If an accidental pregnancy was to happen I want an abortion. He does not.

Both of you have very different core values and this is only the beginning of your problems. When you marry someone, you want to share the same core values/beliefs, as that just makes life so much easier and will give your marriage that much more of a chance to survive the long haul.

My husband and I have always agreed on all of our core values(same religious views, same political views, same views on rearing children, same views on commitment, etc. etc.). We used protection and I recently found out I'm pregnant. I wouldn't call it an accident per say, but more of a surprise. Yes, we didn't plan the pregnancy, but that does not mean that the baby is not wanted. I don't know if there is ever a perfect time to get pregnant and have talked to so many people that had surprise pregnancies. My husband was a surprise pregnancy himself.

There are a lot more issues both of you really should talk about before ever making the marriage commitment. There are a number of issues that you can't agree to disagree on.

 

[Anonymous07]

I was always afraid of accidental pregnancy more than sex too, the result was I never got sex. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to just man up and buy some rubbers.

As for B.C. lots of methods are highly effective - if you are able to abstain, like I always pretty much did, you have a very good chance at using pull-out method successfully, with "perfect use" it is actually atleast as effective for B.C. as condoms - the tricky part is most guys don't have the discipline for perfect use every time... though I did (cause I was terrified of accidents)

And if you combine pullout method with fertility awareness (ie chart method or rythm method) you are probably as likely to get pregnant from a public toilet. Also, perfectly fine if its not your thing but there is also the "backdoor method".

Your suggestion is not as effective as you think... I'll use myself as the example. I'm pregnant.

 

[Lon]

Your suggestion is not as effective as you think... I'll use myself as the example. I'm pregnant.

Conception requires an egg and spermatozoa (or atleast one successful spermatozoon, to plant the flag), no sperm, or no egg or none of either and no baby.

Prior to the first male ejaculation, there is no sperm in the cowper's fluid (pre-cum), but after ejaculating once sperm can be left behind in the urethra. If there is still some sperm remaining in the urethra then if you have a round two the pre-cum could carry those sperm into the vagina if there is further penetration. So "perfect use" means after the first successful pullout keep the man's fluid away from the vagina until he flushes out his urethra with a trip to the bathroom to urinate.

And charting is ok too, except if you are trying to avoid pregnancy it means avoiding sex just before, during and for a several days after ovulation, the time of the month that women are typically most horny.

 

[Wazza]

Well, I'm old enough to have seen many cases of failed contraception. So I think not to trust it is 100% wise.

I would have found it very hard to deal with had my wife wanted to abort any of our children. We did have reason to in one case, but chose not to and I am very glad.

I'm also amused that your partner is happy to obey the teaching of the church on abortion but not premarital sex! Not that I was any better....

 

[SimplyAmorous]

We are taking contraception to a level we never experienced before. I have never NOT had sex in a relationship but our decision to stop after 2 years is because we do not want accidents.

I am atheist he is a Catholic. We are engaged and are talking about family and our views. Here where we are at.

If an accidental pregnancy was to happen I want an abortion. He does not.

I find it really irresponsible when he says, "I want kids but not now because I feel we are not ready financially BUT if an accident happens I will raise it anyway."

I just find it sad ... when 2 people who love each other, engaging in sexual intimacy expressing this.....the closest one can get to another human being in all it's vulnerability.... if a new life was created through this beautiful means... the blue prints of both of you....that this could so carelessly be referred to as an "accident"- wanting to just be thrown away.

Some so called "accidents" are great blessings...and if you feel as strongly as you do -that IT deserves tossed out , forgotten because it isn't the right time.....Yes...Best to be abstinent... I will call you responsible in that.

I know a lady from my Mops group where her husband's vasectomy failed... and many where the pill failed....they still had those children and cherish them today.

Your boyfriend seems more open to life not always going as planned.. and together... hand in hand...you make adjustments ... make the best of it....which is a wonderful trait to have in a man....in fact one I would demand on.... I think He sounds like a great catch!!

But if I was him, I'd be worried you ever wanted children ....given how you feel right now....also saying this "I want a kid but only if both absolutely want it and will not have mixed emotions on its future". Very clear by this statement - you may NEVER want children -your BF needs to understand this fact. Best to iron these things out fully before any commitments are made..

'Compatibility" = your best chances of a successful marriage where it won't feel like striving/ work and hard feelings, disagreements at every turn...this is just a sampling....

Click on this thread below & evaluate yourselves on a good 10 +++ vital issues...reading on this forum for so long... these R what destruct & snowball the majority of marriages... learning after they commit just how very different they look at life & love in general.