He's never coming back and I know it. I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I can't stop crying though and even though I should have known it a long time ago, I only realized it last night while I once again pictured him with her....not even very far away from where we live - where I live...it was supposed to be our new home, but he left two weeks after moving. And he knows what I'm going through and he still left. And he knows I'm all alone and unstable and he still left. He'll never be back. I'm not strong enough to write my whole situation, but over the years I became 100% entirely financially dependent on him. Nevermind the emotional stuff. So I can't do the NC and he doesn't even want to (ha). But he's never coming back. Not for more than a day. And I have no choice but to see him and rip myself open over and over again. I found out that I can get disability even out of the country so hopefully after my doctor visit I'll get some money of my own coming in in a month or a few...I don't know. But I'm terrified that they'll want to hospitalize me because of my mental state. They can't put me on meds when I'm like this and living alone unsupervised. I know that much. I know it's the first step and I should try to just look at it in a positive light, but I'm terrified. I haven't stopped crying again in I don't know how long, haven't slept, haven't eaten. And then like the total loser I am I wrote him yesterday that I'd wait for him as long as it takes. God. And I meant it. But I won't. But it will take years to fix this damage. And I feel too old and too tired to go on. ... Sorry for rambling. It's just so hard to finally see that he's never coming back. I can't believe we're over. ... And after reading this, it's not acceptance, it's just resignation. Or realization. It won't be acceptance until I get help and make peace and move on. But I know it's over now. Took me a very long time to see that.