Joined
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82 Posts
Background – What you are about to hear will sound like one of those drunken couples on the show COPS, that is not the case. We live in a yuppie neighborhood. One of those couples that hides the problems from everyone outside very closed circle. So let me first give you a high level overview of me/her/us.
About Me (mid 30s, no kids,6’2, in shape):
Personality: I’m docile, a fixer, a peace maker, a pushover, cannot hold a grudge for more than a few minutes, easy to get to say yes, loyal to a fault, don’t get intoxicated, watch my finances.
I have a really good and well paying career. I’m a really good looking guy, but don’t care about that or use it to flirt or meet women (when I was in college, I had a few ONS that left me very empty and depressed – very disappointed with myself). Almost all of the women I have dated, in adulthood, have wanted to marry me. My point is, I have the pick of the litter if I so desire. However, I am a very flawed person and am attracted to the wrong types / longshots. Looks matter little to me, it’s something about the ego trip of being able to “save” someone. The really nice and healthy women I’ve dated – it didn’t feel right to me (too easy? too healthy? doesn’t mirror my abusive childhood? do I deserve her? – still trying to figure that all out. Going back to IC soon).
Don’t get me wrong, all that being said, I’m still a very very flawed person – like all of us.
My current wife (late 20s, no kids, only child, 5’2, petite) has severe mental disorders. Yes, I knew a good deal of this going in, but I thought it would be something I could quickly/easily fix. She has seen many psychiatrists and a too few psychologists. She’s on roughly 8 different hardcore medications (I can’t keep track of them all) and needs to be in intensive therapy… but is not – I am now insisting she starts that. She has not been institutionalized in her adult life (briefly as a teenager). All her issues are very hard to medically diagnose into one clean label. She’s been tagged with bipolar, borderline, attention-deficit, eating disorders, sleep disorders, and has suicidal tendencies, etc.
She is still a highly intelligent functioning adult and is responsible for her actions… she’s not some drooling vegetable or psychopath. She only has a part-time job to offset her excessive “therapeutic” spending binges – I take care of everything.
My tagname is due to this being my second marriage, and second time I am dealing with a DS. I won’t talk too much about my first marriage in this post because the main linkage is probably my inability to pick a healthy mate. I will say, I did everything to save that marriage (most of this on my own as my wife basically abandoned me abruptly after 2 sessions of MC… moved out & left with minimal contact). I read all the books (many referenced on this site), articles, went for pastor counseling, IC, MC (together for 2 weeks, then alone for 9 months after she left), mens retreats, divorce care group, christian support group, and a small mens group in my home. As you can tell, my desired R consumed almost all of my free time – even though the wife had left for an OM. The devastation is unbearable to recall. For those first timers here… I truly weep for you. On the bright side, it somewhat braced me for what is currently unfolding.
On to my current marriage. I’m going to have to kinda bullet point this since it would otherwise take 50+ pages in novel form:
We met when I was shopping; she was an employee working and picked me up (without prompting or even flirting, gave me her number and told me to call her for a date). I was taken by her confidence. From there, it was a whirlwind of dating to marriage ( 8 months from 1st date to married). I was/am her “prince” and her elder parents were very happy that she found me (their savior). She exhibited severe personality swings and outbursts (public and private), but it was progressively getting better and her parents said so as well. So I thought, ok, given enough time and work – I can fix her… it’s already working. My family was very concerned from day 1.
Ok, these things that happened, I feel that they aren’t that crazy because I’m caught up in this world of our relationship – it’s my normal. There’s so much more, but I can’t even recall all the stuff because it’s daily… I’m grateful if the day passes with just minor fighting (success). Well here goes some highlights:
-While wedding registry shopping, her mom and I picked out flatware that we liked, but she didn’t like it… which cause her to scream, shout, and roll (yes roll) on the floor of the busy shop. That was really embarrassing and I warned her that I would leave her if anything like that happened again.
-She ruined our wedding with her outbursts; she was going through a big episode the entire time and causing drama. However, the main trigger started with my pastor (I’m Christian, she’s agnostic) giving our vows and putting a bit too much Jesus in there. She said he insulted her and her non-christian attendees (in fairness, he was just giving a pretty typical wedding message for a pastor/priest).
- Because my pastor “ruined” her wedding (which means I ruined her wedding because I had him officiate), I had to take her to Vegas for a 2nd wedding a few months later – all top of the line (including new dress, suite, photography, etc.).
- I had to extend our honeymoon by several days ($5K and had to call work to get additional time off) because I “ruined” the first part of it. We did not have s6x at all after several days there… so I got into an argument over it. Yes, 5 days after the wedding and we still hadn’t done it. I believe the first 2-3 days were because she was finishing her period, but then 2 days after that we still weren’t, so I got really upset and we argued.
- On the return flight from our honeymoon… we were an inch from being blacklisted from the airline and arrested. On the flight, she got into a fight with a couple in front of us – she was having a huge episode, they became the poor target by annoying her (the woman looked at her weird, FYI another young couple returning from their honeymoon). So she got into a mostly shouting verbal fight, but some slamming of their chair back and forth (they were sitting in front of us). The stewardesses and captain had to get involved (in flight and all the way till we left the plane). The whole cabin of passengers were watching, several of them shouting and getting upset that the situation was bothering them – saying how they would never fly the airline again. One of the male stewardesses (man) was so irate at my wife’s behavior that the other stewardesses (women) had to physically hold him back from her and drag him back to their kitchen area. I explained and pleaded, with everyone, that she has severe mental disorders. I also backed up some of the lies she was saying about the couple. I also did a bit of yelling about their mistreatment of my wife (honestly, I was just trying to fake being irate at the other couple to deflect some of it back at them… really horrible thing to do, I was so desperate and panicked). After they moved our seats (and I quietly scolded my wife), she still couldn’t let it go… so after the plane landed she rushed off the plane after the couple without me (the crew held us both on the plane till everyone got off – purposely). She couldn’t find them till after they were on the shuttle curve with their bags. She grabbed a police officer outside the terminal and started explaining how they assaulted her on the plane. When I finally caught up to her, I begged the 3 police officers (yes they multiply quickly) to just forget the matter. I know those city cops wanted to arrest us something fierce, but I got out of it. She railed on me all the way home in the limousine because I didn’t defend her and stick-up for her – “what kind of husband are you!”. After the limousine driver dropped us off, he privately told me how very sorry he felt for me. I gave him an extra $100 for what he had to endure and because I was mortified. Again, this was a plane trip home from our honeymoon.
- She, indirectly, made me quit my church that I was a member of for 6years. She insisted that everyone there was out to get her and she didn’t want me going there. Although, after D-Day, she agreed to go with me to a different church (I insisted I wanted to go back to attending church). However, my faith is now a tool she is currently using to keep me from divorcing her. If it helps her and us, it actually makes me happy – so whatever.
- She wants me to get tattoos signifying I’m hers. She would especially like one under my wedding band. She hasn’t pushed this too much because she knows tattoos just aren’t my thing (I have no tattoos).
- She, with full force, face punches and slaps me. She once attacked me in front of her Mom, and her mom tried to hold her back and begged her to stop punching me. However, most of this stuff occurs in private. Maybe 30 different incidents of this over our relationship, it’s died down a bit lately (although it happened last night). One night, it was so bad that I had to call my mom over to protect me (because she’s a woman) – huge blowout from that, I “was wrong” for involving my mom.
- When I try to run (literally) away from her when our verbal fighting is intense (because she will escalate into violence very rapidly), she’ll: A) body block me into a corner, B) push me, C) grab me, D) chase me around the house, E) break down doors I’m hiding behind (once with a hammer… that scared the crap out of me, ala The Shining).
- I once tried to escape a fight by sneaking out the back of the house into my car to drive off. She heard my car start and sprinted down the street after my car, while screaming at the top of her lungs. I never tried that again.
-Its safer to for me to sleep in the master bedroom with her, than in the spare alone. Last time I tried to sleep in the spare, she picked the lock at 3am. Luckily I had barricaded the door with an alarm… so it me woke up. She feels safer and more stable, to me, when I sleep next to her. Also, she’ll just harass me till the morning through the door (alarms, noises, banging on the door, shouting through the door, etc). This issue happened again last night. I wanted to sleep in the spare bedroom, but she didn’t want me to. So this time she took my door alarm. I was too tired to be harassed all night, so I caved into sleeping beside her in the bedroom.
- My family fully believes that my life is in imminent danger… that she’ll kill me. She swears that I’m love of her life and she would never harm me in that way. I must confess, I do get scared sometimes when I fall asleep.
- From engagement through today, she emphatically warns me that she’ll kill herself if I ever leave. I have threatened to leave many times, every time she sincerely threatens to kill herself (not some passing remark, but with dramatic tears and crying).
- She is a shopaholic. She racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt that I am paying off (I cancelled her card, we don’t share any financial accounts).
- She has fully cut me off from my family. I’m not allowed to be with them without her, but she hates them and doesn’t want me seeing them. So, for almost 2 years now, I’ve missed all holidays and birthdays with my mom, brother, sister, nieces, and nephews. Due the estrangement, I wasn’t able to go to my brother’s wedding. My sister bitterly hates my wife’s guts and my wife hates her more. Just recently, I was trying hard to broker a deal to try to reconcile with my family… but my wife wouldn’t go along. My nieces and nephews are growing up fast – it makes me really sad.
Wow, I realized I hadn’t even got to the infidelity, sorry – running out of time. She keeps calling me and asking when I’ll get home, I’ve got to go. To be continued.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
35yr Male, No Kids. 2nd marriage 2nd time dealing with disloyal wife. EAs & PAs both times.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Marriage: 2002 to 2004. Unfaithful Wife Left. I attempted a full court R, but she left w/ OM.
2nd Marriage: 2010 – present (2yrs). Mentally ill DW. Marriage has been a nightmare for me due to her severe clinical mental illnesses. She wants an R, I’m struggling with that prospect..
2nd Marriage PA D-day Oct 19th 2012. Attempted PAs with 10-15 other men.
About Me (mid 30s, no kids,6’2, in shape):
Personality: I’m docile, a fixer, a peace maker, a pushover, cannot hold a grudge for more than a few minutes, easy to get to say yes, loyal to a fault, don’t get intoxicated, watch my finances.
I have a really good and well paying career. I’m a really good looking guy, but don’t care about that or use it to flirt or meet women (when I was in college, I had a few ONS that left me very empty and depressed – very disappointed with myself). Almost all of the women I have dated, in adulthood, have wanted to marry me. My point is, I have the pick of the litter if I so desire. However, I am a very flawed person and am attracted to the wrong types / longshots. Looks matter little to me, it’s something about the ego trip of being able to “save” someone. The really nice and healthy women I’ve dated – it didn’t feel right to me (too easy? too healthy? doesn’t mirror my abusive childhood? do I deserve her? – still trying to figure that all out. Going back to IC soon).
Don’t get me wrong, all that being said, I’m still a very very flawed person – like all of us.
My current wife (late 20s, no kids, only child, 5’2, petite) has severe mental disorders. Yes, I knew a good deal of this going in, but I thought it would be something I could quickly/easily fix. She has seen many psychiatrists and a too few psychologists. She’s on roughly 8 different hardcore medications (I can’t keep track of them all) and needs to be in intensive therapy… but is not – I am now insisting she starts that. She has not been institutionalized in her adult life (briefly as a teenager). All her issues are very hard to medically diagnose into one clean label. She’s been tagged with bipolar, borderline, attention-deficit, eating disorders, sleep disorders, and has suicidal tendencies, etc.
She is still a highly intelligent functioning adult and is responsible for her actions… she’s not some drooling vegetable or psychopath. She only has a part-time job to offset her excessive “therapeutic” spending binges – I take care of everything.
My tagname is due to this being my second marriage, and second time I am dealing with a DS. I won’t talk too much about my first marriage in this post because the main linkage is probably my inability to pick a healthy mate. I will say, I did everything to save that marriage (most of this on my own as my wife basically abandoned me abruptly after 2 sessions of MC… moved out & left with minimal contact). I read all the books (many referenced on this site), articles, went for pastor counseling, IC, MC (together for 2 weeks, then alone for 9 months after she left), mens retreats, divorce care group, christian support group, and a small mens group in my home. As you can tell, my desired R consumed almost all of my free time – even though the wife had left for an OM. The devastation is unbearable to recall. For those first timers here… I truly weep for you. On the bright side, it somewhat braced me for what is currently unfolding.
On to my current marriage. I’m going to have to kinda bullet point this since it would otherwise take 50+ pages in novel form:
We met when I was shopping; she was an employee working and picked me up (without prompting or even flirting, gave me her number and told me to call her for a date). I was taken by her confidence. From there, it was a whirlwind of dating to marriage ( 8 months from 1st date to married). I was/am her “prince” and her elder parents were very happy that she found me (their savior). She exhibited severe personality swings and outbursts (public and private), but it was progressively getting better and her parents said so as well. So I thought, ok, given enough time and work – I can fix her… it’s already working. My family was very concerned from day 1.
Ok, these things that happened, I feel that they aren’t that crazy because I’m caught up in this world of our relationship – it’s my normal. There’s so much more, but I can’t even recall all the stuff because it’s daily… I’m grateful if the day passes with just minor fighting (success). Well here goes some highlights:
-While wedding registry shopping, her mom and I picked out flatware that we liked, but she didn’t like it… which cause her to scream, shout, and roll (yes roll) on the floor of the busy shop. That was really embarrassing and I warned her that I would leave her if anything like that happened again.
-She ruined our wedding with her outbursts; she was going through a big episode the entire time and causing drama. However, the main trigger started with my pastor (I’m Christian, she’s agnostic) giving our vows and putting a bit too much Jesus in there. She said he insulted her and her non-christian attendees (in fairness, he was just giving a pretty typical wedding message for a pastor/priest).
- Because my pastor “ruined” her wedding (which means I ruined her wedding because I had him officiate), I had to take her to Vegas for a 2nd wedding a few months later – all top of the line (including new dress, suite, photography, etc.).
- I had to extend our honeymoon by several days ($5K and had to call work to get additional time off) because I “ruined” the first part of it. We did not have s6x at all after several days there… so I got into an argument over it. Yes, 5 days after the wedding and we still hadn’t done it. I believe the first 2-3 days were because she was finishing her period, but then 2 days after that we still weren’t, so I got really upset and we argued.
- On the return flight from our honeymoon… we were an inch from being blacklisted from the airline and arrested. On the flight, she got into a fight with a couple in front of us – she was having a huge episode, they became the poor target by annoying her (the woman looked at her weird, FYI another young couple returning from their honeymoon). So she got into a mostly shouting verbal fight, but some slamming of their chair back and forth (they were sitting in front of us). The stewardesses and captain had to get involved (in flight and all the way till we left the plane). The whole cabin of passengers were watching, several of them shouting and getting upset that the situation was bothering them – saying how they would never fly the airline again. One of the male stewardesses (man) was so irate at my wife’s behavior that the other stewardesses (women) had to physically hold him back from her and drag him back to their kitchen area. I explained and pleaded, with everyone, that she has severe mental disorders. I also backed up some of the lies she was saying about the couple. I also did a bit of yelling about their mistreatment of my wife (honestly, I was just trying to fake being irate at the other couple to deflect some of it back at them… really horrible thing to do, I was so desperate and panicked). After they moved our seats (and I quietly scolded my wife), she still couldn’t let it go… so after the plane landed she rushed off the plane after the couple without me (the crew held us both on the plane till everyone got off – purposely). She couldn’t find them till after they were on the shuttle curve with their bags. She grabbed a police officer outside the terminal and started explaining how they assaulted her on the plane. When I finally caught up to her, I begged the 3 police officers (yes they multiply quickly) to just forget the matter. I know those city cops wanted to arrest us something fierce, but I got out of it. She railed on me all the way home in the limousine because I didn’t defend her and stick-up for her – “what kind of husband are you!”. After the limousine driver dropped us off, he privately told me how very sorry he felt for me. I gave him an extra $100 for what he had to endure and because I was mortified. Again, this was a plane trip home from our honeymoon.
- She, indirectly, made me quit my church that I was a member of for 6years. She insisted that everyone there was out to get her and she didn’t want me going there. Although, after D-Day, she agreed to go with me to a different church (I insisted I wanted to go back to attending church). However, my faith is now a tool she is currently using to keep me from divorcing her. If it helps her and us, it actually makes me happy – so whatever.
- She wants me to get tattoos signifying I’m hers. She would especially like one under my wedding band. She hasn’t pushed this too much because she knows tattoos just aren’t my thing (I have no tattoos).
- She, with full force, face punches and slaps me. She once attacked me in front of her Mom, and her mom tried to hold her back and begged her to stop punching me. However, most of this stuff occurs in private. Maybe 30 different incidents of this over our relationship, it’s died down a bit lately (although it happened last night). One night, it was so bad that I had to call my mom over to protect me (because she’s a woman) – huge blowout from that, I “was wrong” for involving my mom.
- When I try to run (literally) away from her when our verbal fighting is intense (because she will escalate into violence very rapidly), she’ll: A) body block me into a corner, B) push me, C) grab me, D) chase me around the house, E) break down doors I’m hiding behind (once with a hammer… that scared the crap out of me, ala The Shining).
- I once tried to escape a fight by sneaking out the back of the house into my car to drive off. She heard my car start and sprinted down the street after my car, while screaming at the top of her lungs. I never tried that again.
-Its safer to for me to sleep in the master bedroom with her, than in the spare alone. Last time I tried to sleep in the spare, she picked the lock at 3am. Luckily I had barricaded the door with an alarm… so it me woke up. She feels safer and more stable, to me, when I sleep next to her. Also, she’ll just harass me till the morning through the door (alarms, noises, banging on the door, shouting through the door, etc). This issue happened again last night. I wanted to sleep in the spare bedroom, but she didn’t want me to. So this time she took my door alarm. I was too tired to be harassed all night, so I caved into sleeping beside her in the bedroom.
- My family fully believes that my life is in imminent danger… that she’ll kill me. She swears that I’m love of her life and she would never harm me in that way. I must confess, I do get scared sometimes when I fall asleep.
- From engagement through today, she emphatically warns me that she’ll kill herself if I ever leave. I have threatened to leave many times, every time she sincerely threatens to kill herself (not some passing remark, but with dramatic tears and crying).
- She is a shopaholic. She racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt that I am paying off (I cancelled her card, we don’t share any financial accounts).
- She has fully cut me off from my family. I’m not allowed to be with them without her, but she hates them and doesn’t want me seeing them. So, for almost 2 years now, I’ve missed all holidays and birthdays with my mom, brother, sister, nieces, and nephews. Due the estrangement, I wasn’t able to go to my brother’s wedding. My sister bitterly hates my wife’s guts and my wife hates her more. Just recently, I was trying hard to broker a deal to try to reconcile with my family… but my wife wouldn’t go along. My nieces and nephews are growing up fast – it makes me really sad.
Wow, I realized I hadn’t even got to the infidelity, sorry – running out of time. She keeps calling me and asking when I’ll get home, I’ve got to go. To be continued.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
35yr Male, No Kids. 2nd marriage 2nd time dealing with disloyal wife. EAs & PAs both times.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Marriage: 2002 to 2004. Unfaithful Wife Left. I attempted a full court R, but she left w/ OM.
2nd Marriage: 2010 – present (2yrs). Mentally ill DW. Marriage has been a nightmare for me due to her severe clinical mental illnesses. She wants an R, I’m struggling with that prospect..
2nd Marriage PA D-day Oct 19th 2012. Attempted PAs with 10-15 other men.
