[HealthyMe]

My WH has had no contact with the OW for 1.5 months. Although difficult to verify no contact, he is showing transparency with his phone and ipad. However, my WH is saying that he feels no passion for me, that he has not for years, and that he is afraid that he may never. He loves me, loves our family, but feels no passion. Frankly, I do not feel passion either, but I do want to rebuild our marriage. He is having conflicted feelings about a rebuild. Does anyone have any similar experience with this loss of passion before or after an affair? I am currently reading Intimacy and Desire by David Snarch, and I am beginning to understand why couples experience this, and that building passion is possible.

Thanks. I'm in a pretty bad way emotionally right now.

 

[Remains]

It's a tricky one. To build passion once gone. How long have you been married? I have no experience of a very long marriage, Though my last relationship was 11 years and was as good as a marriage, 2 kids. But it was unhappy. I went to him many times telling him I was unhappy and came away feeling worse than before. Or he would say the right things, I would be ecstatically happy, only for them only to be words and nothing more. The feeling of that took my unhappiness and increased it 5-10 fold. I think I would have still felt passion if he had done things that created it. When I was happy I felt love, and I guess some passion.

I think the stronger the love, the stronger the passion. And it is the little things that make the love strong. The being together, doing things together, not big things, little everyday things e.g. cooking, hanging out the washing, cuddles in the kitchen, making the bed. All those things that need doing but invariably get left to the woman (with some men). Both work to earn, both work at home. Team. That makes closeness. Closeness makes passion.

 

[So Sad Lady]

Healthy, after d-day did the two of you experience any hysterical bonding? I know in my case, we most certainly did. It helped me to understand-now that the HB phase is over, just how important it is to work to keep passion alive. Its not easy once you think its gone, you have to be creative. All of the things Remains mentions are good. Also little things like sneaking a quick love note in his lunch or briefcase or car...sending a text from just to say your thinking about him..or maybe a little "naughty" one here and there. Something unexpected and maybe uncharacteristic here and there...
In the end it is about love, feeling comfortable enough with eachother to step out of the norm here and there to bring that spark back.
Try to have fun with it... good luck!
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[See_Listen_Love]

This is a difficult problem.

One possibility is to do a 180 for presenting him with what happens if he cannot find the path to real love and restoring passion. Make it his responsibility. Let him try. You are then the judge if it is working or not.

Now he has the neutral attitude, and you try and worry about the situation. Reverse this. Pretend you are cold about it, and let him come.

If he does not want to succeed with enough effort on his part it is a lost race for you anyway. So maybe try this.

 

[daggeredheart]

Another thought, he isn't out of contact for too long so those dopamine chemicals out of his system. That _rush_ of secrecy in the affair can really add to that passionate feeling for the OW and his feelings for you are dampened.

My spouse said similar things right after Dday- that he didn't have "butterflies" for me like he did her etc... but that's because the appeal of the forbidden is so highly intoxicating.

We have reignited the passion and honestly, some days my anger and sadness really squash it but I just "fake it till I make it" ---- and each day it gets better. I'm in year 12 of my marriage and I'm falling in love with him again.

His addiction to his memories of the affair are competing with his emotions for her but they say time helps that.

 

[Remains]

I must say, I did wonder about the 180 thing, or something along those lines anyway. I don't think the 180 quite hits it though. But I don't know how to put it into words, other than if you think you are going to lose something then you look after it better. If you feel you have to compete with others (in the sense of others may find your spouse attractive and that you want no one else to be as good a partner as you) to ensure your spouse stays with you and never has any intention of straying then you make a lot of effort. It seems maybe he has never thought that he has to work to keep you?

Also, he is only 1.5 months out. That is not long. And your head is in a mess. Time will help. I found the 3 month mark was a turning point. Then the year mark. So much better after that. Though mine did not do all I needed to fix it. I did the heavy lifting. He just gave the love and told me to 'trust him'. Ultimately we finished.

In my previous relationships, 7yrs & 11yrs when the passion died, I think it was basic incompatibility. The love just wasn't there. I found who I thought was the one, my soulmate, total chemistry, total compatibility, and found myself here on this forum. I am gutted we are not together anymore, we both still love each other very much, but there was just a few fundamental issues that could not work for me considering his infidelity.

Only you know your relationship. Though I fear that if the lack of passion is mutual, then it will take both of you to want it badly in order to restore it. I hope he also has that desire.

I think there is a lot to be said though in having much passion with someone you don't want to lose. That (losing them) being a real possibility (in as much as they are very special to you, and attractive to others) means more value placed on the relationship. As I get to the end if my post I think the 180, in a very positive and loving way, would be good. Do things for yourself, get interests outside of him, look after your appearance, make him wonder what you are doing and why. If he asks, you are making positive changes in your life in order to counter the crap he has thrust upon you. This may well wake him up. In fact, it probably will. And if it doesn't...you will feel a whole lot better regardless.

 

[CleanJerkSnatch]

My WH has had no contact with the OW for 1.5 months. Although difficult to verify no contact, he is showing transparency with his phone and ipad. However, my WH is saying that he feels no passion for me, that he has not for years, and that he is afraid that he may never. He loves me, loves our family, but feels no passion. Frankly, I do not feel passion either, but I do want to rebuild our marriage. He is having conflicted feelings about a rebuild. Does anyone have any similar experience with this loss of passion before or after an affair? I am currently reading Intimacy and Desire by David Snarch, and I am beginning to understand why couples experience this, and that building passion is possible.

Thanks. I'm in a pretty bad way emotionally right now.

Passion can come and go in waves. Just as long as both of you do not lose it at the same time. You need to rile him up, he needs to be healthy and so do you. You need to come on to him ever so discreetly and hint that you want/need him. Make him feel wanted and he should reciprocate and make you feel the same. Hopefully that helps, if not you can always practice different things on him because not every couple is the same. He still has the after affects of withdrawal. Pull him through.

 

[HealthyMe]

Thank you all for your responses. For those of you who post often, I feel like I know you and it helps to get feedback.

I too was thinking that a healthy distancing would be good for me. Not a passive-aggressive one, but a healthy focus on the self, on me. The question is, how to balance this while simulatneously putting myself out there to rebuild the marriage. Can you do both at the same time?

I am already very physically fit, but work out at home. Perhaps I could join a gym, do some fitness classes with both men and women. I am not around men all that much as my work is very women focused, so I don't really get validation/feedback from the other sex. Maybe that would be healthy for me? Maybe that would be healthy for my husband to see that?

Other ideas?

Thanks...I'm sure posting my whole story would be of help, but I'm just not ready yet. We've been married for 20 years, have 2 daughters. My WH's affair with a coworker started as an EA then went PA, all together for a little over a year. First DD was last October. We had 9 months of false R - affair just went deeper underground. Last DD was 1.5 months ago, with NC and transparency.

 

[CleanJerkSnatch]

He is still in the fog, love is in the mind, chemical receptors, testosterone receptors in the raphe nuclei, dopamine etc. He feels no passion because his mind has been corrupted by his cheating.
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[HealthyMe]

CJS - I know this is an element of our situation, but perhaps not all of it. We had passion issues before the A. Is your point that just time away from the A will help?

 

[Shaggy]

He's still possibly hoping to find a way back to her. He may be emotionally protecting himself from reconnecting with you, so as to not betray her, and so as to be ready to be with her again when they can.

Have you exposed things on her side? Such as to a BF/husband/boss?

The affair needs to end because they dump the affair partner. right now I wonder if he's still in the affair in his head, but has just stopped seeing her - if you know what I mean.

 

[unsure78]

Time and maintaining NC will be the only way to break the affair fog... it may take a while... have you read His Needs Her Needs, for regaining the passion?

 

[Falene]

As mentioned, it may be the affair fog. If so, it will fade in time but I am not sure I would count on that if I wanted to "fix" my marriage.

You mention you are reading and working on your thought process regarding passion. What is your husband doing? I guarantee that if you are the only one working this, it will fail.

 

[SadandAngry]

As stated above, its the little things, everyday, that add up, and create the feelings and the passion. The feeling can follow from the action.

So you do things together in your everyday life, share, start to pay attention and do things you know the other will like or appreciate. Stop taking one another for granted. Talk, a lot, about things that are meaningful, to both of you. Walk together, do chores together. Read books from the relationship section. it is possible to reignite passion, even if it was dormant for years.

 

[See_Listen_Love]

Mabye a strange advise,

Just having sex will create bonding between man and wife. Maybe you both can, on base of the both of you wanting to have passion in your life and in this relation, just rationally decide to schedule time regularly to have sex.

Do that for instance every other night, for a agreed period of two weeks. And take your time, do everything that would be done in a passionate love relation.

Accept then both rationally that your 'head' is then not with you. But expect to get back the loving feelings and the passion after having good sex.