[Diana7]

My wife and I have been married for a long time, and we started in a way that’s pretty unique by today’s standards. I had just turned 18, she was 16 and still in high school when we got married. We didn’t know much about life and have essentially grown up together, figuring things out as we went.

Reading the OP's list, it made me think: what’s the difference between a boundary and a rule? Many of the things listed happened naturally in our relationship—but not because we laid them out as ultimatums.

For example, when we turned 21, we both went out with friends to bars. We quickly realized that scene wasn’t for us—we were married, and our favorite person was already at home. Same with things like guys/girls nights out or solo trips. We don’t do those—not because we forbid them, but because we both respect the marriage and genuinely prefer to spend time together. That respect grew over time, not from enforcing a list.

In our marriage, we have:

One mutual boundary: we don’t bother each other in the bathroom unless it is an emergency.

And, two rules: no secrets, and never go to bed mad.

Everything else, we handle through open communication and mutual respect. I’m not saying our way is right for everyone—but it’s what’s worked for us.

As for the OP’s list—some of it feels more like controlling behavior than healthy boundaries. I understand that for some, especially those who've been hurt, these rules might feel like protection. But in my experience, lasting relationships are built more on trust, shared values, and communication than rigid enforcement.

Yes I tend to agree. We each have our own boundaries or lines we wouldn't cross, but I don't enforce mine on him or he on me.
We do have similar ones though.

 

[QuietRiot]

Forums and blogs devoted to infidelity often discuss the issue of the boundaries of partners' behavior acceptable in a healthy relationship / marriage. Each of us has our own ideas about boundaries, dictated by our experiences, sometimes tragic and painful.
I want to share the opinion of one of our fellow sufferers (he was military) which I've read on one of the resources dedicated to infidelity. This opinion may seem too radical ("extremist") to some, but it worked for this man.
Personally, I agree with all these boundaries, with the exception of point 7 (division of finances). It would be interesting to know the opinion of our community members about these boundaries based on their own experience. Perhaps something can be added to these boundaries or some of them can be excluded.
And, of course, the boundaries indicated by the author can be applied equally to both men and women.
........................................................
"My own personal experiences and what I saw happen to others led me to establishing the following boundaries: 1. No opposite gender “friends.” 2. No contact with exes. 3. No single-moms. 4. No high body-counts. 5. No history or cheating. 6. No contact with friends/family who have a history of cheating/covering up infidelity of others. 7. No intermingling of finances - joint account only used for paying bills. 8. Don’t get married unless a prenup (with an infidelity clause) has been look at by both party’s legal counsel, agreed to and signed. 9. No bisexual women. 10. No women who’ve done porn/escort work/OnlyFans. 11. Full transparency. 12. No “girls’ trips.” 13. no “girls’ nights out.” 14. No bachelor/bachelorette parties under any circumstances. 15. There’s no such thing as “innocent flirting.” 16. No meeting with guys for “coffee,” “lunch,” “brunch,” “dinner” - none of that . 17. Either I’m the only guy in your life or I’m not in your life at all. 18. No talk of “open relationships” under any circumstances. 19. No public humiliation. 20. No “ tests.” 21. If the sex stops - I’m gone. 22. No LDRs. Any woman I’m with who breaks any of these boundaries gets thrown back to the streets she came from.

I ended up meeting my future wife ..... when I was re-classing from 11B into a different job. We got married in 2007, and remain married today with three boys ages 17, 16, and 5. I only married her because we both signed a prenup with an infidelity clause with each of our sons being DNA tested. Fortunately, my wife hasn’t violated any of the boundaries. But if she ever does, I’ll kick her out of the house and divorce her so fast her head will spin. The reason we’ve been successful is because we laid out boundaries early on".
..................................................................

If a man has a personality like this he better look like Henry Cavill in snug grey sweatpants. It’s obvious he does not, so his wife must be mentally challenged.

 

[1994]

While boundaries are healthy, and should be made clear, this reads to me like a creative writing exercise from a Red Pill Bro/Andrew Tate wannabe. I also question why he left the infantry (if he was even in it). That seemed like a pointless detail.

 

[Tdbo]

Guy is an a*. However, that doesn't mean an a* has to be totally wrong.
Any view I have on these goes both ways.
In regards to #1, I have Female friends. They were my former secretaries. If we get together, our spouses are there. If I talk to either via phone or text, my wife has full access to my phone, and the conversation is generally in front of her. Both think the world and all of Mrs. Tdbo, and vice versa.
I am in full agreement with # 2,4,5,6,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,17,18,19,20.
I could be in agreement with, depending on situational factors with # 3,7,8,16,21, and 22.
However, reading through these, If Mrs. Tdbo and I are not on the same page with any of these, we are certainly in the same chapter. However, she tends to be more "Positive" about these things than I, and has not had to muddle through all of the relationship issues that I have experienced (however she caught some of the aftermath with her predecessor.)

 

[Benbutton]

I have found that shared values works best. Also, there are actually a great deal of men and women who don't cheat regardless of the situation they may find themselves in.

 

[FireForEffect]

Just a thought on opposite sex friends. Obviously, everyone has opposite sex friends in a couples situation or even perhaps a work environment. I think what what the original post was referring to is what I call solo friends. A friend that you hang out alone with, go drinking alone with, or go on a trip with, etc. I think that crosses a line when married.

 

[frusdil]

Who wrote this? Andrew Tate?

 

[Enigmatic]

@olk

And where are the boundaries he has to adhere to?

Exactly.

 

[Rus47]

The no sex I am gone, nope. It depends on many things. It may be due to sickness or disability.
Marriage to me is so much more.

Sex is essential though not sufficient. We don’t get married to be roommates.

Thrown back to the streets she came from. This may this writers problem is he found one off the streets. Fool. 🙄

Yeah, the guy comes accross as a real prize. Probably fictional.

 

[Diana7]

Sex is essential though not sufficient. We don’t get married to be roommates.


Yeah, the guy comes accross as a real prize. Probably fictional.

To be fair we don't die without sex although I know it is very important for a marriage.
However there are many reasons that sex may stop due to sickness or disability for example.
I would never leave if sex had to stop. You can still be far more than just roommates.

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

To be fair we don't die without sex although I know it is very important for a marriage.
However there are many reasons that sex may stop due to sickness or disability for example.
I would never leave if sex had to stop. You can still be far more than just roommates.

Our physical body doesn’t die without sex, but the emotional tie to our spouse does. Now, of course we’re not talking about somebody who’s chronically ill or diagnosed with cancer of course or has a physical in capacity to have sex come on now let’s use our common sense..

There’s too many men and women like who do not go see a doctor when they get out of whack and do not want to have sex anymore. But it could be easily remedied with hormone therapy or counseling or something of like. If they refuse to do it and that’s unfair to a willing party.

 

[Rus47]

To be fair we don't die without sex although I know it is very important for a marriage.
However there are many reasons that sex may stop due to sickness or disability for example.
I would never leave if sex had to stop. You can still be far more than just roommates.

Putting aside sickness or disability of course. If it stops “just because” to me it means have been turned into a roommate.

 

[Diana7]

Putting aside sickness or disability of course. If it stops “just because” to me it means have been turned into a roommate.

Ok that's fine. I think there is far more that makes a marriage than just sex.

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

Ok that's fine. I think there is far more that makes a marriage than just sex.

Nobody is saying that sex is the only thing that makes a marriage. What we are saying is that it is very important to a healthy marriage, and that it should not be ever taken off the table unless there is sickness or health issue involved.

Menopause is not means to stop sex. Menopause is means to go and get things leveled out. It should not be used as an excuse nor should ED be used as an excuse to keep physical intimacy away from the other spouse.

That’s all we’re saying obviously marriage is more than just sex.

 

[Rus47]

Regarding a list of boundaries, anyone contemplating marriage ought to have a list of requirements in their mind and discuss such things with a potential mate. Wife and I discussed our views on a lot of things several times, most of the list didn’t apply because we were still teens.

For example we both agreed friendship with opposite sex was only appropriate between us as a married couple with other married couples.

We also agreed there was nothing “off of the table” regarding married sex. And we neither had any mental barriers to robust married sex.

 

[FireForEffect]

For example we both agreed friendship with opposite sex was only appropriate between us as a married couple with other married couples.

The more I read this and other boards, it seems that the following scenarios precipitate the bulk of infidelity.
1. Workplace trysts
2. Solo friends of the opposite sex
3. GNOs/Girls trips. (Could also be true with guy's nights out, but I just haven't seen that many accounts of that type)

Fertile ground scenario I guess.

 

[Rus47]

The more I read this and other boards, it seems that the following scenarios precipitate the bulk of infidelity.
1. Workplace trysts
2. Solo friends of the opposite sex
3. GNOs/Girls trips. (Could also be true with guy's nights out, but I just haven't seen that many accounts of that type)

Fertile ground scenario I guess.

And we agreed before marriage all three you listed were not appropriate for us as a married couple.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

We never explicitly discussed boundaries prior to marriage. I guess assumptions and thinking common sense is common may be foolish, but it seems to me most marital boundaries just come about organically.

We had nothing when we got married at age 18 and 21. So, a prenup would have been silly. I always thought of that as something for the rich and famous. I also don’t really call that a boundary.

We were young and didn’t really know too much, but it seems most of what we call boundaries happen naturally when you respect your spouse and respect your marriage.

A good example is something my wife once shared with me, and I've shared on TAM previously. At work years ago, she and several coworkers, men and women, would often go out to lunch together every week. One week almost everyone of them backed out, and it ended up just being her and one of the male salesmen. Nothing inappropriate happened, but at the end she told him it felt awkward, too much like a date, and that she didn’t think they should do that again unless it was with the whole group.

That was actually the first time we ever talked about a specific boundary in our marriage. It wasn’t a rule either of us had written down or demanded from the other. It was just her own sense of what honored our marriage and that’s really been the foundation all along, mutual respect.

In general, I also don’t think it’s wise to have opposite-sex friendships where you’re hanging out one-on-one or having deep, private conversations. That kind of closeness naturally moves toward an emotional relationship, and that’s something I believe should belong only to your spouse. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about people of the opposite sex, but I think it’s healthiest when those friendships involve your spouse as well.

Looking back, what stands out to me is that boundaries in our marriage haven’t been about fear or control. They’ve been about protecting something worth cherishing. When you respect your spouse and the life you’ve built together, a lot of boundaries don’t need to be spelled out. They just grow naturally out of that respect. The little moments, like my wife's story from work, weren’t about laying down rules, they were about choosing to honor us and our marriage.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

And thinking about the GNO and GIrls' trips.

I think that comes down to respecting the marriage too. GNOs that involve acting like you are single is disrespectful to the marriage and your spouse. Letting guys buy you drinks, dressing to attract male attention (dressing sexy is ALWAYS about attracting male attention), and drinking to excess are all things that disrespect your marriage.

My wife's idea of a GNO is going to diner and drinks with friends. Or doing some activity together. She loves doing sip and paint. Going out to get tipsy/drunk or out to a nightclub, something like that, never gonna happen. Not because I forbid it, but because she knows that isn't something a respectable married woman does.

As for overnight trips, that just makes no sense to me. We both have things we like to do on our own, with our own friends, but traveling somewhere overnight, strictly for pleasure, without our spouse just seems so foreign to us. If we travel for pleasure it is always together. I can't say that if my wife came to me about wanting to do something like this that I would say no, but it would be odd and I would want fully understand what is behind it.

 

[Diana7]

Most of his list are rules and conditions rather than boundaries.